Fox News Anchor Arrested In Airport Bar (By Obama’s Thugs?)

Reports about an intoxicated and belligerent man brought police to a Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport bar Wednesday afternoon. There they found Fox News anchor Gregg Jarrett who allegedly refused to follow orders and was subsequently taken into custody. He posted a $300.00 bond and was released Thursday morning with a court date set for June 6, the Washington Post reported.

Last week Jarrett had requested a leave from his Fox News duties for unspecified “personal reasons.” And while requests for comment by Fox News went unanswered, we can speculate as to how the network will eventually report this event.

Fox News Jarrett

In another show of tyrannical overreach, the Obama administration has once again applied its boot to the neck of Fox News. Anchor Gregg Jarrett was harassed and arrested by police in Minneapolis while investigating Obama’s plot to ship incriminating documents from the Veterans Administration to Benghazi where they would be disposed of along with Tea Party applications for IRS tax exemptions. Some say that Jarrett was subjected to police brutality and later refused medical attention because the ObamaCare Death Panel declined to approve his claim.

Unfortunately, this isn’t too far off from how Fox actually constructs their news stories. Just yesterday, after Nancy Pelosi told the press that she was reluctantly assigning Democratic members to the GOP’s Select Committee on Politicizing Benghazi, which she regards as unfair and unnecessary, Fox News reported that she was recognizing the seriousness of the committee. In other words, Fox reported the complete opposite of what Pelosi had just said, seconds after she said it.

So don’t be surprised to see the mock report above become reality on Fox News, complete with impassioned defenses from the likes of Sean Hannity and Megyn Kelly. That’s if they ever bother to report on Jarrett’s arrest at all, which is highly unlikely.

Shameless self-promotion…
Get Fox Nation vs. Reality. Available now at Amazon.

[Update:] Fox News released the following statement:

“We were made aware late last night that Gregg Jarrett was arrested in Minneapolis yesterday and charged with a misdemeanor. He is dealing with serious personal issues at this time. A date for which Gregg might return to air has yet to be determined.”

Also, the police report says that Jarrett was recently released from an alcohol or drug treatment facility. All kidding aside, hopefully he will get the help he needs.

Glenn Beck Begs To Be Martyred (And It’s All On Video)

On today’s episode of “Who The F**k Cares What Glenn Beck Thinks,” we find our anti-hero testifying about his recent holy encounter that resulted in a bona fide miracle. Unfortunately, Beck will not reveal the nature of his divine experience, saying only that…

“Someday I’ll tell you about it – about a full-fledged miracle that happened – that I can tell you that God exists. [...] Is there any other explanation other than God?”

Glen Beck Finger of God

Shameless self-promotion…
Get Fox Nation vs. Reality. Available now at Amazon.

Apparently Beck expects us to accept that there is no explanation other than God without knowing what the hell he’s talking about. But if it’s anything like the miracle he claimed at his revival meeting in Washington, D.C. a few years ago, there might be another explanation. At that sacred gathering of the faithful a flock of geese flew overhead. That’s right! Just flying right there in the air. Which I suppose could be considered a miracle if you thought geese were pigs and flying was only possible for angels with harps.

Setting aside the mystery miracle, Glenn went on to explain why he believes that he is not the target of constant vitriol from the Obama administration. He actually seemed to be bitterly disappointed that the minions of evil in the White House were neglecting to harass him. But he was not short of an explanation for it:

“I really think one reason why the Obama administration has generally left us alone since we left Fox – now maybe it’s because we are irrelevant.”

That would be my first guess, but it’s just a launching pad for Beck’s hysteria:

“I have another opinion. These people know who Martin Luther King is. They know who Dietrich Bonhoeffer is. And they know you screw with somebody who is willing to die for what they believe in – is not gonna shut up – go ahead. You know who Nelson Madela is. Imprison me. Go ahead, imprison me. I will not sit down. I will not shut up. I won’t. I will not conform. I will not comply. Period.”

Now as close as I can figure, Beck believes that Obama is ignoring him because Beck is so much like Dr. King and/or Nelson Mandela. The similarities are obvious if you take enough psychoactive drugs. And Beck’s furious taunting that he be imprisoned because of his unwillingness to shut up begs the question, “Who asked you to shut up?” Beck is deliriously adamant that he will never sit down or shut up no matter how much no one is asking him to. It’s kind of like promising the Moon that you’ll stop shooting arrows at it. The Moon doesn’t know you’re doing it and wouldn’t care if it did. Likewise, no one has threatened to imprison Beck. As much as he seems to require incarceration in a locked rubber room, that is not something that anyone is pursuing. It is, however, characteristic of an acute paranoid persecution complex.

Glenn Beck

Be Sure To “LIKE” News Corpse On Facebook

Nevertheless, Beck has figured out that these are the reasons that Obama is leaving him alone. And it’s a good thing, too. Because if the White House were foolish enough to go after Beck, there would be a torrent of retribution raining down on the Kenyan demon. As Beck describes it…

“If I may quote Obi Wan, ‘Strike me down. Strike me down. I will become far more powerful than you can imagine.’”

Well, that oughta scare off the Empire’s Storm Troopers in Washington. The thought of Beck transforming into an omnipotent Jedi Master so that he can vanquish his political enemies will keep the Dark Side in check. But it’s a little confusing at this point because Beck has so far proclaimed that he is the living incarnation of Dr. King, Nelson Mandela, and Obi Wan Kenobi, fighting a battle that only exists in his rapidly decomposing brain.

For your entertainment pleasure…

Stephen Colbert Nails Fox Nation’s Resident Imbecile Jesse Watters (Video)

Finally. Media analysts and satirists have chronicled the brazenly partisan and shamelessly deceitful pseudo-news enterprise, known erroneously as Fox “News,” for several years. The disinformation and deliberate lies propagated by disreputable characters like Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Steve Doocy, Megyn Kelly, etc., has all been subjected to appropriate scrutiny and ridicule. But one of Fox’s most embarrassing figures has managed to escape the criticism he so richly deserves.

Stephen Colbert Watters World

Be Sure To “LIKE” News Corpse On Facebook

Jesse Watters is a producer on the O’Reilly Factor. He is regularly featured in segments that are intended to be humorous, but rarely achieve that goal for anyone whose sense of humor has evolved beyond kindergarten (in other words, Fox News viewers will love it). The “Watters’ World” bits generally show Watters interviewing “average” people – you know, the “folks” that Bill O’Reilly always claims to be watching out for. Except for when he dispatches his goons to produce heavily edited segments that only show responses from people that fail to give correct answers. That’s because the purpose of the interviews is to make them look like idiots.

It is also worth noting that Watters is the editor of the Fox News community website, Fox Nation. That fact is rarely disclosed publicly and is not credited anywhere on the website. But given the juvenile tone it sets, the horrifyingly violent and racist comments it draws, and the repeatedly false stories it promotes, Watters may have good reason to want to hide his involvement. [For a collection of more than 50 documented examples of blatant lies published by Fox Nation, get the ebook "Fox Nation vs. Reality: The Fox News Community's Assault On Truth." Available at Amazon]

Now Stephen Colbert has turned his biting incite toward Watters in a hilarious segment that demonstrates the dishonesty inherent to what Watters does. Colbert rehabilitates the people that Watters attempts to demean, exposes the cheap tactics that Watters exploits, and does it all with comedic brilliance. Here is the episode for your viewing pleasure:

Jon Stewart Nails Cliven Bundy: A Welfare Rancher Trying To Pull Off The World’s Largest Cattle Dine-And-Dash

The Daily Show returned from a week-long hiatus Monday to deliver an epic smackdown on the deadbeat cattleman in Nevada. Cliven Bundy has been widely rebuked for failing to pay customary grazing fees and declaring that he doesn’t “recognize the United States government as even existing.” The roots of his extremism was exposed here on News Corpse Sunday. The only people who support Bundy’s greedy, self-serving, churlishness are fellow terrorist militiamen and Fox News hosts. But Jon Stewart, as usual, provides one of the best perspectives on the situation that captures the absurdity of the affair in an honest and hilarious manner (video below). He sums it all up by observing that…

“The law isn’t on Bundy’s side. The court isn’t on Bundy’s side. Even the Nevada state constitution, which Bundy claims to abide, isn’t on Bundy’s side. Who the hell is on this guy’s side? [...Cue Sean Hannity video montage...] How out there is Hannity on this issue? Sean Hannity has now made Glenn Beck the voice of reason.”

Apocalypse Cow

Shameless self-promotion…
Get Fox Nation vs. Reality. Available now at Amazon.

Stewart’s take thoroughly demolishes any defense of Bundy that could be mustered within the bounds or reason. And his graphic depiction of “Apocalypse Cow” perfectly conveys the radical theo-con leanings of Bundy & Company. However, in searching for the Daily Show video there were some unexpected discoveries that Stewart may not have been aware of:

  • Apocalypse Cow: The Simpsons: Season 19, Episode 17
    Bart tries to save the cow he raised for his 4-H club from the slaughterhouse, and in the process winds up getting accidentally engaged to one of Cletus’s daughters.
  • Apocalypse Cow by Michael Logan
    If you think you’ve seen it all — WORLD WAR Z, THE WALKING DEAD– you haven’t seen anything like this. From the twisted brain of Michael Logan comes Apocalypse Cow, a story about three unlikely heroes who must save Britain . . . from a rampaging horde of ZOMBIE COWS!
  • Apocalypse Cow – Three Floyds Brewing Co. & Brewpub
    This complex, double India Pale Ale has an intense citrus and floral hop aroma balanced by a velvety malt body which has been augmented with lactose milk sugar. With this different take on an IPA we have brewed an ale that is both pleasing to drink and, once again, “not normal.” Cheers!

Cletus, zombies and beer. How appropriate. And who knew this was such a popular theme? Anyway, here is Stewart’s version for your viewing pleasure.

And in honor of the Heifer joke above, please give to Heifer International: Together we have the power over hunger and poverty.

Electile Dysfunction? John Boehner’s Tea Party Primary Challenger Goes There

An Ohio Tea Party candidate seeking to oust Republican House Speaker John Boehner has released a Viagra-themed campaign ad (video below) that is actually pretty funny. J.D. Winteregg’s ad hits all the top Tea Party talking points. He’s anti-immigration, pro-gun and promises to defund ObamaCare and Planned Parenthood. And for some reason he also felt it necessary to declare his opposition golf.

John Boehner Electile Dysfunction

AT&T and Verizon users: Stop funding the Tea Party.
Switch to CREDO Mobile, the progressive cell phone company, today!

Winteregg is just one of many Republican fringe candidates taking on establishment GOP figures like Boehner. He doesn’t have much chance of winning, but he can certainly be a major annoyance and, by reminding conservatives of all the things they hate about Boehner, he can contribute to Republican voters sitting out the election in November.

The ad slams Boehner as having “Electile Dysfunction” as a result of being in Washington, D.C. too long. It shows Boehner in videos being chummy with President Obama, a fatal flaw to the close-minded, Tea Party bigots who consider such fraternization to be akin to treason. And it charges Boehner with being spineless for having given in to liberals. Apparently shutting down the government for three weeks, supporting Darrell Issa’s McCarthyite inquisitions, and holding 50+ votes to cripple the Affordable Care Act is an expression of weakness in the eyes of Tea Party extremists.

Perhaps the the best moment in the ad is when the announcer gets to the disclaimer and warns that…

“If you have a Boehner lasting longer than 23 years, seek immediate medical attention.”

With that Winteregg has distinguished himself as the only candidate with the guts to make a dick joke in his official campaign video. And while it may not help him to win the primary, it’s a pretty good bet that he’ll get an invitation to appear on Bill Maher’s show after he loses. It will also get him some attention from the press, which is surely the whole point of the ad. The problem being that it will likely get more play on MSNBC than on Fox News.

And therein lies the flaw in Winteregg’s media strategy. It is not likely to appeal to the conservative media that he needs to rally voters. Consequently, the people most likely to vote for him may never see the ad. Democrats, on the other hand, will love the ad but will never vote for a far-right Tea Partier whose platform consists of nothing but negative attacks on Democratic policies and politicians.

So with this ad Winteregg has demonstrated that he (or more likely his media advisers) has a sense of humor, but he has also revealed that he has no idea how to manage a successful campaign. Which, of course, is also good for Democrats as well as Speaker Boner…er…Boehner.

Stephen Colbert To Replace David Letterman: Stay Tuned For Right-Wing Freakout

CBS announced this morning that Stephen Colbert, host of Comedy Central’s The Colbert Report, will succeed David Letterman as the host of The Late Show.

Fox Nation vs. Reality - Colbert

Note: Not actually endorsed by Stephen Colbert, but still…
Get Fox Nation vs. Reality. Available now at Amazon.

Although Letterman only announced his pending retirement a few days ago, Colbert was almost instantly regarded as a top contender to fill the vacancy. His unique brand of characterture and satire has won him numerous Emmys and even a couple of Peabody Awards. When he assumes the position at the Late Show desk he will immediately challenge his peers to up their game in both raw comedy and creativity. It is fair to expect Colbert to reshape the concept of late-night television.

For extra added entertainment pleasure, watch the conservative martinets of Puritan culture grasp their throats and gasp for air as their lungs veritably burst with outrage. Colbert, and his Comedy Central mentor Jon Stewart, have long been targets of right-wing animosity. To the extent that they manage to get the jokes, they despise them and whine about more liberal domination of the news (as if Stewart and Colbert were actually journalists). They tried in vain to mimic the Daily Show and to launch (or relaunch) careers for conservative comics like Dennis Miller, Steven Crowder, and Victoria Jackson.

Just yesterday, Bill O’Reilly devoted his nightly Talking Points Memo segment to Colbert, whom he called “a deceiver” for mocking O’Reilly’s ludicrous defense of income inequality. O’Reilly went on to say that…

“Colbert can be dismissed as clueless, but the guy does do damage because he gives cover to the powerful people who are selling Americans a big lie, that this country is bad, that it intentionally oppresses many of its own citizens. That is a lie. That point of view is shameful.”

Well, O’Reilly is the authority when it comes to doing damage by giving cover to powerful people selling lies. But even as Fox News blasts Colbert and Stewart as hopelessly biased, they have recognized the falsehood in that characterization. News Corpse documented 29 occasions where the Fox Nation website praised Stewart for taking the conservative side on his program. That, however, has never stopped them from asserting that Stewart is a socialist who only satirizes conservatives.

In response to the Colbert promotion, Breitbart News editor, John Nolte tweeted “Low-Rated Hyper-Partisan Lefty to Replace David Letterman.” He previously critiqued Colbert saying that…

“There’s a HUGE left-wing agenda behind what Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert is doing, and it’s a serious agenda that has nothing to do with satire.”

That’s typical of the viewpoint that Nolte has held for years. In a series of ignorant columns attacking Colbert, Nolte pointed out what he considered to be the poor ratings performance of The Colbert Report. But due to his embarrassing ignorance of the television business, Nolte failed to realize that Colbert’s ratings were better than those of Fox News. What’s more, no knowledgeable person would compare the ratings of a niche cable channel with those of a broadcast TV network. When Colbert moves up to CBS he will inherit the audience that goes along with it.

Rush Limbaugh weighed in saying that…

“CBS has just declared war on the heartland of America. No longer is comedy going to be a covert assault on traditional American, conservative values. Now it’s just right out in the open.”

NewsBusters’ Dan Gainor tweeted…

“Colbert: From liberal asshat pretending to be conservative to liberal asshat who gets to be honest about his asshattery.”

Karl Rove was personally offended by Colbert’s “Ham Rove” bit, which he took as a threat of violence:

“One liberal replacing another one. Only this one apparently knows how to wield a knife.”

Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post published a screed titled “Picking Colbert to replace Letterman? CBS really screwed up,” in which author Kyle Smith (who?) says that Colbert is…

“…only funny if you accept the premise (conservatives are morons) while you snort Mountain Dew out your nose.”

There will surely be more to come from these media geniuses who live in fear of Colbert’s brand of truthiness. If they were smart they would withhold their juvenile insults and accept the fact that CBS made a decision that is in the best interests of their bottom line. They could simply declare that their silly #CancelColbert boycott campaign was a huge success and return to something they have a much longer history of – insulting women and minorities.

The prospect for Colbert’s future as a late-night host are promising. He has an appealing personality and an engaging rapport with the guests he interviews. He is likely to have less political content on CBS, where their Standards and Practices department will keep a tighter rein on him. That will be a loss for those of us who cherish his outlook on society and culture, but you can’t blame him for aspiring to advance his career. And while he may tone it down, he likely will not abandon it altogether.

What many of the people commenting on this news are neglecting to mention is that there will now be a vacancy at Comedy Central. Here’s hoping that Jon Stewart, whose production company put Colbert on as his lead-out, will have some say in the matter of what follows him next. Due to his irreplaceable persona, it will not be possible to slip someone else into the same format. But another snarky news send-up is still the obvious choice to fill out the late-night hour. Perhaps Comedy Central could parody Fox News’ The Five, with a panel show featuring Daily Show regulars like Lewis Black, John Hodgeman, Kristen Schaal, Al Madrigal, Jessica Williams, Wyatt Cynac, etc.

They have no shortage of talent available. And, thanks to Fox News and the rest of the right-wing media circus, they have no shortage of material either.

[Update] On his show last night, Bill O’Reilly ignored the news about Colbert’s new job, but Time Magazine caught up with him and elicited this response: “I hope Colbert will consider me for the Ed McMahon spot.” Proving once again that O’Reilly is hopelessly stuck in the past, his attempt at humor reached back to reference a decades old sidekick, rather than a more relevant choice like Paul Shaffer or Alan Coulter. But O’Reilly would be a good choice for an Ed McMahon role, whose comedic persona was that of an old Irish loudmouth and a notorious drunk.

Bill O'Reilly/Stephen Colbert

Republican Party Officially Re-Christened Tea Party: Sarah Palin Named Chair

In the past five years since Rick Santelli, a correspondent for CNBC, led a bevy of options traders on an anti-government rant, the Tea Party has gained enormous influence over conservative politics and particularly the Republican Party. Despite their small numbers, Tea Party Republicans have dominated the GOP in Congress and beyond. They threaten establishment Republicans with primary challenges and negative media campaigns. And all of this has occurred while appealing to less than a third of the American people and registering their lowest favorability ever.

The GOP today is no more popular than the sagging Tea Party. Following their crushing losses in 2012, the RNC produced a study that they themselves referred to as an autopsy that contained a laundry list of suggestions for reviving their future prospects. High on the list was expanding their outreach to African-Americans, Latinos, women, and young voters. However, in practice they have only further alienated all of those critical groups since the report was issued.

Recognizing the emerging trends, the Republican National Committee has conceded that they are no longer an effective organizational unit. Consequently, insiders are reporting that the party will soon announce a major reorganization, the principle feature of which will be a re-branding of the party of Lincoln with an even older historic reference: The Tea Party.

Republican Tea Party

AT&T and Verizon users: Stop funding the Tea/Republican Party.
Switch to CREDO Mobile, the progressive cell phone company, today!

This turn of events may come as a surprise to many rank-and-file Republicans, but hints of this fundamental transformation were visible to those paying close attention. Michael Steele, the former chairman of the RNC, addressed this a couple of years ago saying that…

“It’s important for our party to appreciate and understand [the Tea Party] so we can move toward it, and embrace it.”

The current RNC chair, Reince Priebus (whose name without the vowels is RNC PR BS), has also attempted to erase the line delineating the Tea Party from the GOP saying that…

“It’s not Tea Party tactics. This is what the American people want.”

Of course, every poll shows that that statement is not true. Nevertheless, Republicans continue to wrap themselves in Tea Party linens. House Speaker John Boehner joined the choir saying that…

“There really is no difference between what Republicans believe in and what the Tea Party activists believe in.”

The ribbon round the package has to be Sarah Palin’s admonition in a speech she gave to the National Tea Party Convention:

“The Republican Party would be really smart to start trying to absorb as much of the Tea Party movement as possible because this is the future of our country. The Tea Party movement is the future of politics.”

It may be the sentiment in that speech that resulted in Palin being tapped to become the chair of the newly reconstituted GOP. Sources say that she was chosen by acclamation among an elite group of Republican Party leaders during a closely guarded conclave last week at the Florida residence of David Koch, one of the infamous Koch brothers who are responsible for bankrolling the Tea Party since its inception. Others in attendance were said to include Texas senator Ted Cruz, radio politi-vangelist Glenn Beck, outgoing House Tea Party caucus chair Michele Bachmann, and Fox News CEO Roger Ailes (who was sporting a “Draft Putin 2016″ button on his lapel).

The process of converting from Republicans to Tea Partiers will not begin in earnest until after the mid-term elections in November. After that there will be a flurry of activity from construction and furnishing to letterhead and logos. And by 2016 what was once referred to as the “Grand Old Party” (and more recently as the “Greedy One Percent”) will be a footnote in American history.

But don’t expect these changes to be anything more than cosmetic. The all new Tea Party will still be an intolerant, compassionless, science-denying, theocratic, advocate for corporations and the rich. Whether they are called Republicans or Tea Partiers, they are still committed to wealthy interests and opposed to ordinary working Americans. Some things never change.

[Update 4/2/2014] April Fools! But for the record, the first two paragraphs and all the quotes are true. So the re-branding has already occurred in principle.

Between Bill O’Reilly And Two Ferns: Video Proof That Plants Are Smarter Than Fox News Hosts

After Bill O’Reilly did his Superbowl interview with President Obama, O’Reilly predicted that “the interview that I did is going to go down in journalistic history.” So far, the only historical notice taken of the affair is O’Reilly’s boorishness and Narcissism.

Bill O'Reilly

Be Sure To “LIKE” News Corpse On Facebook

A much more likely candidate for the history books is the interview conducted by Zach Galifianakis on “Between Two Ferns.” It showcased the comedy stylings of the President while demonstrating his keen awareness of modern media and the impact of the Internet as a communications platform. Following his Ferns outing, which has racked up nearly three million views to date, traffic to Healthcare.gov spiked by 40%.

Bill O’Reilly’s famously sensitive ego must have been severely injured by the popularity of the Ferns bit, because he devoted one of his “Talking Points” segments to criticizing it as “problematic” and “desperate.” In fact, whenever O’Reilly is confronted with challenges to his omnipotence, he responds with venom and vacuous attacks. Another recent example of this is his criticism of CNN’s coverage of the Malaysian airliner. O’Reilly complained on his program that CNN was overdoing it, but the real source of his complaint is more likely the fact that CNN has been crushing him in the ratings ever since the jet went missing. Apparently cable news viewers are satisfied with CNN’s reporting, despite O’Reilly’s whining.

Well, now we have a fresh take on the O’Reilly/Galifianakis battle of the interviews courtesy of HuffPost Comedy. And, if anything, it shows that a fern would be a more than acceptable replacement for O’Reilly.

Coming Soon To Fox News: Dick Dynasty With ‘Hateful Phil’ Robertson

Fox News has announced the signing of former Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson to an exclusive contract to host a new program on the cable news network.

Fox News - Dick Dynasty

Share this article on Facebook:

In the wake of the controversy over anti-gay remarks made by Robertson, The A&E Network put the Duck Dynasty star on an indefinite suspension. Shortly thereafter, conservative activists and homophobes rushed to the defense of the unreality character with accusations of liberal media bias and censorship.

Not surprisingly, Fox News personalities were among the first, and most vocal, defenders of Robertson with Sean Hannity saying that Robertson’s comments were “old fashioned traditional Christian sentiment and values.” Fox’s Todd Starnes dismissed the comments as merely reflecting “the teachings of the Bible.” Sarah Palin warned that “Free speech is an endangered species.” Erick Erickson said that “Robertson said precisely what true Christians believe.”

These reactions illustrate the strategy behind Fox’s signing of Robertson. He is a Christian extremist who preaches that gays are bound for Hell. He is racist who believes that blacks were happily singing in the cotton fields during the Jim Crow era. He displays a level of ignorance on most subjects that is pitiful. And he has become wealthy by deceiving people into thinking that he is a redneck hillbilly. In short, he shares all of the same rightist positions and personality traits of the rest of the Fox News roster and will fit in nicely at their holiday parties.

Critics, however, object to the characterization of racism and homophobia as traditional Christian values and they reject Fox’s effort to claim to be the authority on such matters. Open-minded Christians put their faith in the actual teachings of Christ (who admonished his followers to refrain from judging others) and not in the sanctimonious bellowing of cable TV pundits. They also recognize that free speech is available to everyone, not just bigots who want to be able to spew their hatred without consequence.

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes is said to have personally directed the Robertson signing. It is consistent with his philosophy of demonizing the gay community that he lived in fear of, and built a bomb-proof office to protect himself from. Likewise, his security measures shielded him from dark-skinned and Muslim people of whom he was also afraid.

With Robertson’s addition to the Fox family, Ailes will have another ideological ally to advance his Tea Party agenda. Plus, there will be an experienced marksman in the building in the event of an attempt on on his life or an outbreak of civil unrest. Insiders are speculating that the new program will have spring premiere so as not to interfere with duck season.

Due To Drug Shortage, Texas To Start Outsourcing Executions To Somalia

The Associated Press is reporting today that a shortfall in the availability of the sedative pentobarbital will put a crimp in the calendar of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice and it’s scheduling of executions.

The Texas Department of Criminal Justice said Thursday that its remaining supply of pentobarbital expires in September and that no alternatives have been found. “We will be unable to use our current supply of pentobarbital after it expires,” agency spokesman Jason Clark said. “We are exploring all options at this time.”

Rick Perry
Be Sure To “LIKE” News Corpse On Facebook

The state of Texas has led the nation in executions by a wide margin since the Supreme Court allowed executions to resume in 1976. Since then Texas has executed 503 inmates. The next highest number was in Virginia with a mere 110.

The availability of the pentobarbital is rapidly depleting due to the death cult fetishism of the Texan government that makes it hard for supply to keep up with demand. The problem is exacerbated by the reluctance of pharmaceutical manufacturers to provide their products for use in ceremonial rituals of cold-blooded murder. And since Texas no longer has an electric chair or a gas chamber, their alternatives are sharply narrowed.

Consequently, Texas governor Rick Perry is in talks with a number of prominent Somali war lords who have the resources to fulfill the state’s ever growing need to produce fresh corpses. The negotiations involve setting up procedures to transport inmates to the African nation where the authorities will disburse them to various factions of the Taliban or Al Qaeda for termination. In exchange, the Somalis get critical practice assassinating Americans, which they can put to use in future terrorist campaigns. It’s a win-win scenario for two parties who have the same objectives: killing large numbers of American citizens.

Other alternatives under consideration include stoning inmates in the prison yard; forcing them to consume large amounts pork rinds and bacon-cheeseburgers; fitting them with Obama masks and releasing them outside of Waco; inviting them to go quail hunting with Dick Cheney; and for black inmates, good old-fashioned lynchings (they’ll never have to worry about running out of rope).

Whatever course of action they settle on, you can rest assured that Texas will not allow their leadership in this field of endeavor to lapse. Texas is bound and determined to remain the execution champs for years to come. Even if it means resorting to overdoses of Viagra, which the menfolk of Texas still have in abundant quantities.

Fast Food Fight: The Daily Show’s John Oliver Deep Fries Fox News

Fox News / McDonalds

“They sell you something that looks appetizing, but leaves you feeling nauseous for hours afterwards.” ~John Oliver on Fox News

That’s how John Oliver described the similarities between Fox News and the fast food industry. In an epic take-down of Fox (video below), Oliver brilliantly exposed the selfishness, hypocrisy, and stupidity, of the network’s upper-crusty pundits’ callous attitude toward working people who have the gall to rally for a living wage.

The segment features multiple Fox scrooges insisting that workers should be grateful to have any job and stop whining about how toiling full-time in harsh conditions doesn’t provide sufficient compensation to feed and house their families. Oliver notes the risks associated with a multi-billion dollar international conglomerate fairly compensating their employees:

“If you raise the minimum wage. people will never stop working in the fast food industry. They’ll get so comfortable in the hot kitchens, in their acrylic uniforms, relaxing in that grease fog, smelling like processed meat no matter how many showers they take.”

But the real victim of Oliver’s harangue was Fox’s VP of financial news, Neil Cavuto, who bragged about his own youthful experience as a fast food employee. Cavuto touted the opportunities for advancement and months of success he enjoyed slinging fish and chips. Unfortunately, he also demonstrated how ill-equipped he is to be commenting on financial matters. In his fanciful flashback he noted that “it all started at two bucks an hour.” But as Mother Jones reported

“[T]he math makes the opposite point Cavuto intended — adjusted for inflation, he made a lot more money as a teenager than the fast food employees who walked off their jobs in seven US cities this week. [...] $2.22 per hour more than the current federal minimum wage.”

So, there goes Cavuto’s argument against raising the minimum wage. And he set himself up for Oliver to make the astute observation that, “Working at Arthur Treacher’s was the last job Neil Cavuto was qualified for.” Of course, Cavuto is the Glenn Beck of business news. He engages in non-stop, brazenly partisan, propagandizing on behalf of the conservative agenda of his network bosses, Roger Ailes and Rupert Murdoch. Cavuto is a Tea Party boosting, climate science denying, harbinger of economic Armageddon.

The “Phony Scandal” Division At Fox News Has Lost Its Mind

Deep in the basement of Fox News headquarters in New York, there is windowless suite of offices staffed with social misfits who shun sunlight and reason. They have been trained by specialists in disinformation and propaganda to manipulate stories and statements in a manner that reflects badly on President Obama and his administration.

The “Phony Scandals Unit” (PSU) has been busy during Obama’s term as president. Their production has been industrious and creative. Some of their notable achievements include Fast and Furious, Solyndra, New Black Panthers, Benghazi, and Tea Party targeting at the IRS. Of course, none of these have been associated with the White House, but that’s beside the point. The PSU’s purpose is not to report factually. It is to create suspicion and innuendo, and to give useless members of congress excuses to conduct frivolous hearings.

However, something is obviously wrong with the PSU team. While their previous scandal output was weak and contrived, it managed to draw the attention of the media to some degree. But their current projects seem to be lacking in plausibility to the extent that the whole division could become an embarrassment. For instance…

Hurtful Tax Cuts

The GOP has spent decades defining itself as the enemy of taxes in any form. No matter what the state of the economy, they advocate cutting taxes as the best way forward. In boom times or bust, it’s cut, cut cut, those taxes. After all, the government doesn’t need any money to operate or provide services or fight wars. If children starve of senior citizens suffer, it’s their own fault for not being wealthy.

So what might have caused the anti-tax Republicans to suddenly advance the notion that a corporate tax cut would hurt small businesses?

Fox News Tax Cut

How could this happen when tax cuts are deemed by the GOP to be ordained by God? The answer is that the corporate tax cuts in question were proposed by President Obama, and the only doctrine that Republicans adhere to more strictly than tax cuts, is to oppose Obama regardless of what he says. So as soon as he proposed cutting taxes, Fox’s PSU went to work.

Government Nudging

The PSU was working overtime to uncover a clandestine White House operation that they contend has a sinister mission. The “Behavioral Insights Team” is alleged by Fox wingnuts to be a Svengali-like operation charged with “tweaking behavior so people do everything from saving more for retirement to saving more in energy costs.” Saints preserve us. It’s the devil’s work.

Fox News Nudge Squad

The seeds of this dastardly plot lay in the work of a former White House aide, Cass Sunstein. He actually wrote the book “Nudge: Improving Decisions About Health, Wealth, and Happiness.” Glenn Beck, when he was still on Fox News, had singled Sunstein out as “the most dangerous man in America.” And with good reason. The tactics about which he wrote could be used to get people to pay their taxes on time, or buckle their seat belts, or “say no to drugs” (thanks Nancy “the Nudge” Reagan).

The IRS Army

Finally, The right wing freakout hit a new low with the folks at Fox Nation, who are prone to freaking out without much encouragement. It appears that the number of agents at the IRS was a problem for the conservatives who hate the agency anyway.

Fox Nation IRS Army

So the PSU and the Fox Nationalists looked around and found that there were other organizations that had fewer people than the IRS. For some reason they settled on the German army as their comparison. Certainly they had no intention of implying anything.

Now, what does the number of German soldiers have to do with the number of IRS agents? Absolutely nothing. The IRS staff is determined by the workload and operational efficiencies. It’s requirements are in no way similar to those of the German military. General Motors has twice as many employees as either of them. So what? Walmart has 20 times as many employees. Does that suggest something evil about Walmart? Well, that might be a bad example.

Aside from being irrelevant, The story is wrong. It assumes that every employee of the IRS is an agent. Obviously that would come as news to the accountants, secretaries, lawyers, computer techs, file clerks, etc. This phony scandal is almost as idiotic as the one when Fox fear mongers said that the IRS was hiring thousands of armed agents to enforce ObamaCare.

Conclusion

What these three stories tell us is that the ability of the Phony Scandals Unit has deteriorated substantially. They are apparently incapable of developing a new scandal that isn’t laughably asinine. If this is the standard for the types of scandals that Fox News will be foisting on the American public for the next couple of years, then we are in for some rollicking good times. I can’t wait to see what they will cook up for Hillary. Perhaps it will have something to do with the buttons on her pants suits transmitting state secrets to the planet Kardash.

Stephen Colbert On The Tea Party Burning ObamaCare Cards That Don’t Exist

The Tea-publican brain trust is at it again. It’s not enough that they campaigned feverishly to prevent the Affordable Care Act (ObamaCare) from becoming law; followed by an eye-popping 40 useless, symbolic votes in the House of Representatives to repeal the law; followed by Republican-led states refusing to participate in the health exchanges, transferring responsibility to the federal government they claim to hate; followed by efforts to intimidate schools, libraries, and sports teams from helping to educate Americans about a program that is available to them that can save money and even lives. And of course, Fox News is at the forefront of this festival of disinformation.

Fox News
Be Sure To “LIKE” News Corpse On Facebook

Nope. None of that was enough. So now they are embarking on a coordinated campaign to convince people that they should not sign up for ObamaCare when it becomes available. That’s right…If you are a young person with no health care, a family with over-priced private insurance, a patient with a preexisting condition, a senior on a fixed income, the GOP thinks you should forgo the benefits to which you are entitled and risk having expensive medical costs keep you from getting necessary care, or drive you into bankruptcy. Nice of them isn’t it.

The centerpiece of their campaign is a program to get people to burn their ObamaCare cards. There’s just one problem with that – as Stephen Colbert reveals, there is no such thing as ObamaCare cards. But never fear, the folks at the Koch-funded Tea Party asylum, FreedomWorks, are planning to make their own cards which will be suitable for burning. Watch Colbert spell out out the whole process works:

This is so typical of how the right works. Their most fervent desire is to see people suffer, rather than adjust their demented viewpoints. That’s true with regard to health care. It’s true with regard to the economy and jobs. It’s true with regard to foreign policy. And it’s really kind of depressing that so many people fall for it. Thank goodness for Colbert whose perspective on this sort of lunacy can bring laughter back into the debate, along with a big scoop of wisdom.

BREAKING: Screwing Royals Surprise The World With Mystery Baby

Reports from our London bureau are confirming that a couple of members of the British royal family have in their custody a male infant who they are claiming to be an heir to the throne of England. The child arrived this morning, although there is no evidence of an entourage or a means of transportation. Witnesses report that it was not there one moment, and then it was there the next.

Royal Fuckers

Scientific experts have developed a consensus theory that is being met with some skepticism by Republicans in the U.S. who reject any explanation that doesn’t involve divine intervention or result in lower corporate taxes. The scientists’ description of the phenomenon was summarized in a paper submitted to a British medical journal:

“Our research indicates a probable relationship with an interaction between the parties in the royal family,” wrote Dr. Ezekial Bogsworth-Kent of the University of London. “Empirical testing suggests that Prince William inserted his penis into the vagina of Lady Kate and maneuvered it inwardly and outwardly in successive motions until there was an eruption of spermatozoa. A chemical reaction subsequently occurred that resembles fertilization. It is difficult to conclude with certainty the sequence of events because they appear to have taken place some eight or nine months prior to the appearance of the mystery infant.”

The media has dispatched considerable resources to London in an effort to uncover the details of this affair, and its political and social ramifications. There are many unanswered questions, but diligent journalists are hard at work pressing their sources to acquire the information that is critical to a curious world. The news networks have ceased coverage of all the other trivial matters that generally consume their airtime. In the several hours since the announcement of the infant there has been no mention of George Zimmerman, Benghazi, immigration, Edward Snowden, or the economy and jobs.

The priority afforded to this breaking news is understandable when viewed in light of the international significance of this event. After all, this infant, in a couple of decades, may or may not be elevated to an entirely ceremonial role as the king of an empire over which he would have no power whatsoever, other than to spend millions of the tax dollars collected from struggling British citizens on his lavish lifestyle. So it is obvious why the media would focus so intently on this singular spectacle that is repeated tens of thousands of times every day by less consequential peasant folk.

The American press corps is no less obsessed with this distinctly British story because, despite the fact that the United States engaged in a bloody war of independence in order to cast off the shackles of monarchy, they are still entranced by royal melodrama that has no impact on them at all. So for the next few hours (days?) don’t expect to hear anything on the news that addresses the myriad problems America faces with its economic and social tribulations. There is a funny looking baby in a palace thousands of miles away that is far more important.

Royal Baby

EXCLUSIVE: Fox News Signs George Zimmerman As Host: “Stand Your Ground” Premieres This Fall

Now that the jury has delivered a “not guilty” verdict for teen stalker/killer George Zimmerman, Fox News has taken a bold move to extend the ratings bonanza of the trial into the fall television season.

George Zimmerman
Be Sure To “LIKE” News Corpse On Facebook

Sources inside Fox News have confirmed that Zimmerman has agreed to host a nightly crime and social affairs program on the network that is set to premiere in October 2013. The controversial signing is consistent with Fox’s programming philosophy of exploiting the transient publicity of media spectacles by drafting the beneficiaries of inordinate press attention, despite a lack of experience or qualifications – e.g. Sarah Palin.

The preliminary format for the Zimmerman program is said to consist of segments analyzing breaking crime dramas such as murderous spouses, kidnapped sorority girls, celebrity arrests, high-speed police chases, and any stray rumors involving presidential sex scandals. Fox News contributor, and noted racist ex-cop, Mark Fuhrman, will have a regular spot on the panel segment to offer his expertise in undermining criminal prosecutions with racial epithets. In that respect Fuhrman, who famously extolled the virtues of the “N” word, shares common ground with Zimmerman who regards innocent black teenagers walking through his neighborhood as “fucking punks.”

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes welcomed Zimmerman to the network saying “We could not be more excited by having such a strong advocate of law enforcement on our team. George’s unique insight and commitment to safe neighborhoods and the preservation of the Second Amendment will connect with our audience and inspire Americans to stand their ground.” Ailes also said that Zimmerman will have a role on the Fox Nation web site where they specialize in flagrant lies, a skill Zimmerman has already demonstrated a knack for.

Zimmerman’s new colleagues at Fox are also anxious to work with him. Sean Hannity, who gave Zimmerman his first platform on cable TV, praised his keen instincts and predicted that his hair-trigger analysis and spin on reality will surprise many. Bill O’Reilly is looking forward to lunching with Zimmerman at Sylvia’s. And Geraldo Rivera lauded Zimmerman’s critical eye on fashion that he hopes will put an end to the trendy adoption of thug-wear that has resulted in so much unnecessary bloodshed.

Hoodies

The addition of George Zimmerman to the Fox lineup is a good fit to shore up both their editorial mission and their audience appeal. They are already receiving rave reviews from the NRA and the Tea Party. Throughout the trial Fox demonstrated an overt favoritism for Zimmerman and the prospects of his acquittal. Now, with his new assignment, he will make Fox the first and only network to feature a host who has actually snuffed out the life of an innocent American. And the icing on the cake is that the victim was black and almost certainly not a Fox viewer.

REPORT: Obama Says Tea Party Members Fit Profile of Domestic Terrorists (Really?)

Tea PartyIn a press conference in Tanzania, the National Report notes an extraordinary exchange between a journalist from the Associated Press, Ramona Darlington, and President Barack Obama. According to the Report, Darlington asked Obama to explain what the profile of an American domestic terrorist is. Obama’s answer will surely raise the ire of the Tea Party and their members:

“Typically domestic terrorists in the U.S. are people who cling to obsolete beliefs from the time of the American Revolution. They are conservative Christians, reactionary Republicans and conspiracy theorists many of whom belong to racist hate groups. [...] Tea Partiers commonly own guns and stock up ammunition and food in anticipation of starting another civil war to overthrow the will of the governing body who represent all of the American people.”

This is a shocking statement coming from the President of the United States. Sure, the Tea Party has much in common with the Taliban and other violent extremists. They both believe that religion should be the foundation of government. They are both virulently anti-gay. They would both enforce a submissive role for women who must not be permitted to make decisions about their own bodies. They both have a perverse obsession with guns. They both advocate overthrowing the secular governments that they despise. And while these similarities are apparent to objective observers, for the President to express these thoughts openly is astonishing.

American Taliban
Be Sure To “LIKE” News Corpse On Facebook

Naturally, the mainstream media has suppressed the reporting of these controversial remarks. Why would they do that? Could it be because they are in the tank for Obama as conservatives have long argued? Or could it be that the source of the story, The National Report, is an obviously satirical web site and that the whole thing was a joke?

Despite all the evidence that the story is a fake, many on the Tea Party right have taken it to heart and are outraged that the President said these things that he never actually said. The story has already been picked up by FreeRepublic, TeaParty.org, TruthAboutGuns, and a popular Ron Paul fan site, the DailyPaul. These geniuses must have failed to notice the conspicuously comedic content filling the site’s home page. Here are samples of their current articles in addition to the one about the terrorist Tea Party:

  • Was Paula Deen Framed for Racism by Tasteless Food Trend Purists?
  • Lawmaker Corks Gay Talk Hole with God’s Law, Crowned D&D Champ.
  • Selfish Wendy Davis Rejects Rick Perry Compliment, Could Have Kidney Infection.
  • Poll: Can Zimmerman get a Mistrial if the Lady Jury is on Their Periods?
  • New CDC Study Indicates Pets Of Gay Couples Worse At Sports, Better At Fashion Than Pets Of Straight Couples.

Since this wasn’t enough to alert the Tea Party dimwits to the fact that the site peddles parody, they might have avoided making asses of themselves by reading the site’s rather humorous disclaimer:

“National Report is a news and political satire web publication, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. All news articles contained within National Report are fiction, and presumably fake news. [...] Advice given is NOT to be construed as professional. If you are in need of professional help (and you may be if you are on this page), please consult a professional.”

Was that too vague as well? Then perhaps the Teabaggers should have done just a modicum of research whereby they would have discovered something that was later noted by a spokesman for the Associated Press:

“There is no AP reporter named Ramona Darlington, this is not an AP story and as best as I can tell, a few people have been had.”

This is fairly typical for the great thinkers of the Tea Party. They repudiate the science that overwhelmingly proves that Climate Change is occurring and is caused by humans. They reject evolution and cling to the biblical myth that the Earth is only 6,000 years old. And they have fallen for similar scams that range from Obama being a Muslim from Kenya, to FEMA building concentration camps, to the health care law creating death panels, to government plotting mass gun confiscations, and on and on.

Consequently, it isn’t much of stretch for them to buy into this phony news story. It presents a ridiculous notion that they want to believe so badly that it doesn’t matter whether or not it’s actually true, or even plausible. And that pretty much sums up their entire political philosophy. They’re wrong on the economy. They’re wrong on taxes. They are hysterically off-kilter on the Constitution, despite their neato costumes. And they are an imminent danger to satirical sites like the National Report because they are funnier in their own ineptness than anything a good satirist can invent.

Stephen Colbert Takes On The Totalitarian Bicyclista Conspiracy (Video)

When a member of the Wall Street Journal’s editorial board speaks out about the imminent threat to America’s freedom posed by subversive bike riders, you sure hope that somebody is listening and is prepared to act. Thank God for Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert
Be Sure To Like News Corpse On Facebook

The Journal’s Dorothy Rabinowitz took to the airwaves to warn America about the these vile bicyclistas and the government stooges who enable them. While she declined to speculate on what is in “the mind of the totalitarians running this government,” she pointed out that…

“We now look at a city whose best neighborhoods are absolutely…“begrimed” is the word…by these blazing blue Citibank bikes.”

Exactly! It’s an abomination that must not be tolerated by freedom-loving patriots. Colbert quickly recognized the wisdom in Rabinowitz’s criticism and leaped to her defense. He astutely noted that nothing begrimes a community more than a row of two-wheeled, people-powered, vehicles that eschew the fossil fuel that is the blood coursing through America’s oily veins. Colbert lamented what would become of our neighborhoods if the bicyclistas get their way:

“Now when you’re ambulating about the historic West Village, a gaudy blue rack of bikes will take away from the simple beauty of the Cherry Boxxx Discount Dildo Shop.”

Well said. That’s the way to stand up to these peddle-pushers who, like their comrades in the drug trade, are determined to make us all slaves to a perverse and anti-American lifestyle “choice.” And it’s only a matter of time before the bi-cycle Mafia slides down that slippery slope and openly advocates gay-cycle decadence that will rip apart the fabric of our culture.

Watch the video and prepare to be outraged.

GOP Calls For Impeachment Of President Hillary Clinton

Vowing to get an early start on efforts to remove Hillary Clinton from the White House, Republican leaders in congress have announced their intention to hold hearings on what they claim are the high crimes and misdemeanors that Hillary Clinton will commit once she assumes the presidency in January of 2017.

Hillary Clinton

Although she has not yet been sworn in to office (or elected, or announced her candidacy) Republicans are determined not waste any time in initiating her impeachment. House Speaker John Boehner told reporters that…

“We do not want to repeat the mistakes we made in the previous [i.e. current] administration where we waited too long to get the ball rolling. After all, President Obama was in office for nearly a month before we took meaningful action to remove him.”

Some members of the GOP attribute the failure to impeach Obama on the late start they got on manufacturing allegations of malfeasance and ginning up outrage over imaginary scandals. Consequently, they chased after flimsy accusations of foreign birth and socialist aspirations that never caught on with the public. That left them facing a reelection campaign dominated by impotent sound bites of whether or not small businesses “built that” and desperate rejections of real data including poll results and unemployment numbers. Republican strategist Karl Rove Rove addressed these shortcomings saying…

“We are proud of the fallacies we created and promoted. No one worked harder to invent phony issues than we did. Could we have done better? Should we have connected Obama to Hitler more often, or the spread of the Bubonic Plague? Sure, but it’s always easier to criticize with hindsight.”

This is not to say that there weren’t zealous attempts to plunder the Obama presidency. Republican politicians, with the help of Fox News and the Koch brothers, worked feverishly to construct controversies designed to hobble the administration. They labored over “Fast and Furious,” Solyndra, Bill Ayres, and ObamaCare, which they unsuccessfully took all the way to the Supreme Court. Each of these affairs, and several more, were alleged to be “Obama’s Watergate,” but none of them gained any traction with a populace that proved to be smarter than the Tea Party – admittedly, not a very high bar.

The latest episode for which conservative muckrakers are crying wolf (or Watergate, as the case may be) is the tragedy that took the lives of four Americans in Benghazi, Libya. However, even with the help of near blanket broadcasting of Benghazi hysteria by Fox News, the utter lack of any compelling evidence of wrongdoing has turned the whole affair into a mushy smear campaign notable only for the tacky theatrics of the accusers. Even the specter of a cover-up fell flat when the proponents of that theory could not explain what exactly was being covered-up. “We forgot that little detail,” said Rep. Jason Chaffetz (Tea Party-UT).

Rather than risk a similar fate in the event that Clinton runs for and wins the presidency in 2016, Republicans are casting their lots now. Since it doesn’t matter whether the object of their scorn has actually done anything unlawful, why wait until the former senator and Secretary of State is in office to try her for the crimes they are planning to pin on her no matter what reality ultimately serves up. It’s a strategy that they believe conserves a great deal of political energy that would otherwise be wasted on honest politicking and the responsible stewardship of government.

Senator Mitch McConnell, who declared shortly after Obama’s first election victory that his primary legislative goal was to “make him a one-term president,” is devoting the same measure of commitment to the effort to pre-impeach Clinton. In remarks to the GOP caucus last week he reminded his fellow Republicans that their priorities ought not to change just because the complexion and gender of the person in the White House does.

“We have spent five years obstructing everything this president has attempted to do, from passing bills, to appointing judges and cabinet officials. This is not the time to let our guard down and be distracted by the burdens of actually governing or helping the nation recover from adversity.”

Asked for a comment when Clinton was told of the Republican campaign to impeach her, she said incredulously “What the fuck?” And walked away laughing uncontrollably. Her office later followed up with this statement:

“We have always known that these clowns were certifiable, and now we are seeing some of the best evidence of that. The Secretary has not yet made a decision as to whether or not she will run for president, but if she does she expects to campaign vigorously and appeal to the hearts and minds of the American people. She also expects to face dipshits in the Republican Party who, with their pals at Fox News, will manufacture insane theories and conspiracies, and she plans to wipe up the pavement with their lame asses.”

Run Sarah, Run: Tea Party Trying To Draft Sarah Palin For Alaska Senate

This is the best news I’ve heard all year: Tea Party group hopes to draft Sarah Palin for Senate run in Alaska.

Sarah Palin

Where do I donate? Bringing back Palin to the campaign trail would be more fun than a barrel of Teabaggers. Her barely comprehensible English, her moronic mistakes, her persistent ignorance, her feverish hate-speech – all of these elements of her political style would combine to turn the election into comedy gold.

Never mind the fact that Palin doesn’t live in Alaska (her current residence is in Arizona). And set aside the polls that show her losing to the Democratic incumbent Mark Begich 54-38. Palin’s Tea Party appeal would thrust her into the loser’s circle with a boatload of mocking media.

Even if some unforeseen catastrophe occurred (i.e. Begich suffers a nervous breakdown and grows a Hitler mustache a week before the election) and Palin prevails, her presence on the senate floor would provide more laughs than America’s Funniest Home Videos. And we wouldn’t have to worry about her burdening the nation with idiotic legislation because she would likely resign after a couple of months when she finds out that she is required to do some work and the salary is under seven figures.

So here’s hoping that the Tea Party dimwits promoting her candidacy can lure her into the race. And let’s hope that the GOP throws buckets of cash into her campaign. As happy as I am that fringe characters like Allen West and Jim DeMint have been cast out of politics, it leaves a comedy void that is hard to fill. That’s why I’m counting on Palin to come to the rescue of political humorists everywhere and throw her asshat into the ring.

Reefer Madness 2: Bombed In Boston – How Marijuana Marred The Marathon

It didn’t take long for addled-brain conspiracy theories to bubble up from the primordial Tea-publican ooze following the Boston marathon bombing. There were the instantaneous accusations of Al Qaeda influences before the smoke cleared. Then came the allusions to Obama’s secret Islamic cabal to destroy America. That was followed by NRA freaks who were convinced that the whole thing was staged to trick Americans into abandoning their 2nd Amendment rights. And of course Glenn Beck muscled his way into the lunatic choir with hallucinatory ramblings of a third suspect who is being protected by the President.

Now all of these contenders for the Conspiracy Hall of Lame have to step back and pay tribute to the new frontrunner in the race for the deranged. Cliff Kincaid of Accuracy in Media has concocted a scheme that thrusts him to front of the pack. His hypothesis? It was marijuana what dood it, dude.

Reefer Madness

Kincaid unravels a blueprint for destruction that knits together his notion that the Tsarnaev boys were capable of constructing complicated explosive devices, even though they were hobbled by the evil weed’s rotting of their young brain cells. He noted that “The dope aspect of the plot helps explain why they seemed to have no getaway plan.” Nevertheless, Kincaid insists that the doobie brothers were unimpaired when it came to plotting mass murder.

“Left unsaid is the fact that dope’s effect on the brain is what may have led [Dzhokhar] into his brother’s terror activities. He was probably so wasted mentally on drugs that he became easily manipulated by his brother and cannon fodder for the Islamist revolution on American soil.

“What happened in Boston is starting to look like what Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn tried to accomplish with the 1960s generation. Disillusioned young people, brainwashed with illegal mind-altering drugs and armed with weapons, were being taught to hate the American government and the police.”

Wait a minute. I thought hating the American government and fretting about the police state was copyrighted by the Tea Party. Well, anyway…

Perhaps Kincaid did not go far enough into this line of thinking. Who’s to say that the bombing might not have been the result of a weekend of debauchery by a couple of stoners who took one trip too many? They may never have planned an attack at all, but were surprised when the pressure cooker they were using to prepare more munchies suddenly exploded on the way to the 7-11 where they hoped to acquire additional Doritos and salsa. They didn’t plant the devices on the crowded street, they simply forgot where they had left them.

In conclusion, Kincaid spells out how dangerous the happy herb is and how the media conspires to suppress the truth. He specifically cites its power to radicalize weakened blazers both politically and spiritually.

“Marijuana is not the harmless drug the media frequently claim it to be. It is a mind-altering substance that can play a role in creating communist or Islamic terrorists.”

So now marijuana is a tool of both the red menace and the global Caliphate. If I didn’t know better, I’d say Kincaid is nursing a righteous buzz.