The Daily Show’s “ObamaCare Apocalypse” Rips Naysayers To Shreds

Once again, the Daily Show demonstrates why they are a better source for news than much of the mainstream press. While conservatives love to bash its viewers for regarding it as a news program, the truth is that Jon Stewart & Company frequently put the so-called “real” news to shame. (For the record, nobody thinks the Daily Show is a news program. They just recognize that it savagely skewers the many deficiencies of the media).

Daily Show Betsy McCaughey

In the “ObamaCare Apocalypse” segment, “correspondent” Jordan Klepper, goes into stark detail about the media handling of the Affordable Care Act (aka ObamaCare). He begins with a montage showing an assembly of talking heads, mostly on Fox News, spewing wild accusations about the health reform’s allegedly disastrous effects.

Klepper: “For years, television pundits have been doing important work sounding the alarm about ObamaCare.”
Lou Dobbs program: “We’re going to be, six to ten months from now, in a massive fiscal crisis.”
Klepper: “Come on, you can do better than that.”
Eric Bolling: “ObamaCare literally may kill you.”
Klepper: “Good, keep going.”
Ben Carson: “The worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery.”
Klepper: “That’s what I’m talking about.”

This parade of hyperbole is followed by a series of facts that Klepper finds facetiously disturbing. Such as the fact that the program’s popularity is steadily growing, medical costs are declining, more people are insured, and premiums are lower. He then sets out to interview subjects who will cooperate with his ACA bashing, but is frustrated to find only people who actually live in the real world. The highlight is his attempt to interview Betsy McCaughey, the originator of the death panel lie, who abruptly removes her mic and stomps off after the first question. You have to wonder why she agreed to do the interview in the first place only to immediately scamper away.

The segment concludes with a simple, yet profound, observation that sums up the coverage by Fox News and other conservative outlets:

“Luckily, to be an ObamaCare critic, being right is not a job requirement.”

Actually, that could be applied to nearly everything that Fox News broadcasts or is uttered by Republicans in Congress. Here is the whole segment for your enjoyment:

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Fox News Is The Conservative Daily Show, It Just Won’t Admit It’s A Joke

There is an article on Grantland by Brian Phillips that takes a look back at media satire on television. It focuses mainly on Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update, but mentions everything from Bob & Ray to Monty Python. It’s an interesting read, but this paragraph alone is worth the price of admission:

“Is it strange that, of all the current-events products currently on television, it’s often Fox News that feels most like a ‘Weekend Update’ bit? Critics are constantly asking why there’s no conservative Daily Show, but there is; it just won’t admit it’s a joke. The structure of Fox News is so deeply and basically comic that it’s impossible not to read it into the tradition of news satire. All those weeping paranoiacs! The fist-shaking curmudgeons! The gun-toting robo-blondes! Like ‘Weekend Update,’ Fox succeeded by taking the elements of a normal news broadcast and exaggerating them to ludicrous proportions. Only instead of Opera Man, it has Angry Immigration Crusader; instead of Mr. Subliminal, it has Jowly Operative Insinuating Things About Hillary Clinton’s Health; instead of Gay Hitler, it has Outmatched Token Liberal; instead of ‘Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead,’ it has Benghazi.”

Media Circus

Well said. And thanks to the wingnut brigade at NewsBusters for whining about this entertaining and accurate essay, without whom I probably would never have seen it.

Rush Limbaugh’s Delusional Plot By Militant Vegetarians To Unleash Anti-Beef Ticks

Tick Talk, Tick Talk…To all of the militant vegetarians out there – and we know that people who advocate against cruelty to animals are amongst the most brutal terrorists of our time – be aware that your cover has been compromised. The corpulent defender of ill health and Oxycontin abuse, Rush Limbaugh, has discovered your clandestine scheme to turn all of America into a model of rosy-cheeked physical fitness. ABORT, ABORT!

Rush Limbaugh

On his radio communique Friday, Limbaugh unveiled the dastardly plot contrived by the enemies of meat to turn all Americans into vegetarians via a unique form of bio-terrorism. I’ll let him tell it:

“Veggie Revenge. What is it? Well, in Texas, Texas, of all places, they have discovered a bug that can turn you into a vegetarian, or at least make you swear off of red meat. [...] In some cases, eating a burger or a steak has landed people in the hospital with severe allergic reactions. The culprit is the Lone Star tick. [...]

“[T]he radicals are gonna try to get hold of these ticks and mass produce them, mass grow ‘em and spread ‘em all over the country in order to get people to stop eating beef.”

That’s right. As we speak there are covert vegetarians clad in Che t-shirts herding genetically modified ticks on the Texas prairie into tiny tick corrals. They intend to release them on unsuspecting Americans across the country. They will probably target McDonalds and other fast food franchises as likely spots to infect innocent carnivorous diners. Limbaugh notes that he has “tried to call your attention to the militant vegetarians,” for some time. Let’s hope that it is not too late.

The vegetists are a wily bunch who seek to control every part of your life. They include First Lady Michele Obama, who has brazenly spoken out in favor of healthier diets for all Americans, especially children. That unscrupulous bitch. Although Limbaugh courageously calls out the nefarious veggies, he generously exempts the masses whom he regards as victims, saying that…

“[M]ost of ‘em are dupes in the sense they don’t understand they’re part of a political agenda. [...] If you’re a vegetarian and you don’t realize there’s a political agenda attached to what you’re doing, you’re being duped.”

So wake up you vege-dupes. Can’t you see that you’re being used by international Climate Change conspiracies to invoke a One-World government where everyone has good health, the air and water are clean and safe, and the planet can sustain life for the indefinite future? Is that the kind of nightmare existence you want for yourself and your children? It’s not as if the vegetists really care about anyone. According to Limbaugh it’s all political. He says that…

“The very idea that militant vegetarians demand everybody do what they do is all the proof you need that it’s political.”

Never mind that no one has ever heard a militant vegetarian making such demands. And it goes without saying that conservative extremists like Limbaugh would never demand that anyone behave in certain prescribed manners. Unless, that is, you want to purchase contraceptives, marry someone you love, wish somebody a happy “holiday,” or vote without having to show your government approved papers.

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It’s a good thing we have Rush Limbaugh around to expose the nefarious plots being directed at an unwitting populace that would never know about these things were it not for his intrepid investigations and fearless devotion to us ignorant waifs in the hinterlands. So be grateful that there are such morally upstanding patriots like Rush to protect us all from our own stupidity. And, before you forget, strip and do a full body search to make sure you are free of militant vegetarian ticks.

Ebola Panic: Stephen Colbert Beats Fox News Fear Mongers At Their Own Gaminess

News Corpse just wanted to make sure that everyone saw this hilarious segment of the Colbert Report that illustrates how obsessed Fox News is with fomenting fear among their trembling, dimwitted viewers. Of course, Colbert is a good friend of News Corpse as shown by this totally “real” photograph:

Fox Nation vs. Reality - Colbert

In the segment, Colbert skewers the tendency of Fox News to make a crisis out of everything and blame it on President Obama. But the best parts are aimed at the pitiful losers who are often featured on Fox making asses of themselves. For instance, Colbert brings up a favorite of the Fox & Friends Kiddie Krew with this introduction:

“Ebola is spread only through intimate contact with bodily secretions such as vomit, blood, or feces. Speaking of vomit, blood, and feces – Donald Trump…”

Colbert also singles out the neurosurgeon-turned-Teabagger, Ben Carson, by noting that when he was offering his insane speculation about bio-terrorism he was really “just yanking shit out of his ass. But remember, that’s another way Ebola is spread.”

The ridiculous hysteria that Fox is spreading about Ebola is way out of proportion to any actual threat. There have zero deaths due to Ebola in the Untied States. Contrast that with the 53,000 annual deaths from the flu. If you’re intent on worrying about exposure to a virus, you may want to reassess which one to irrationally fear. In fact, you are even more likely to die by your own hand (39,000 annual suicides) than to be killed by Ebola. So whatever you do, don’t get on any plane that you are on.

Devastating Loss: Victoria Jackson Falls Short In Bid For Commission Seat

It’s all over for these dis-United States. Democracy has been foiled in Tennessee as former Saturday Night Live bimbo and current ditzy ukulele strummer, Victoria Jackson, was defeated in her attempt to save America from communism and … let’s say demonically possessed Keebler elves.

Victoria Jackson

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Jackson’s campaign was likely sabotaged by President Obama who feared her truth-warbling and headstanding patriotism. Sources report seeing Attorney General Eric Holder, domestic terrorist Bill Ayres, and Viet Cong publicist Jane Fonda in the Williamson County area carrying off bags of ballots in biodegradable trash bags. Even more troubling, there were half a dozen black people seen exiting the polling place.

Jackson posted her concession speech on her website where she revealed her disappointment at having failed to win election to the county post she wanted so dearly. She wrote…

“My first reaction? Hmmm. Well, I don’t really like numbers, and Commissioners mostly talk about numbers, the budget.”

Phew. That was close. Had she won she might have had to actually do the job that she was campaigning for. Although that would have put her squarely in line with the rest of the Republican Tea Party politicians who insist that they hate government while begging people to vote for them. It’s the core principle of the right to say that government doesn’t work, and then spend their entire careers trying to prove it by screwing everything up. And speaking of “core,” Jackson couldn’t let this momentous occasion go by without mentioning her favorite conspiracy theories. In comments directed at her opponents she said that…

“…they are not informed about Agenda 21 and Common Core [...] and are not aware that the Obama Administration and the fast-moving lunge toward socialism in our country has begun to erase our freedoms.”

That is further evidence of why this loss is so devastating. How can America survive without the wisdom, talent, tenacity, and inspiration of this national treasure? The country is now in full retreat as the forces of evil have prevailed in Tennessee. Here is just taste of what the nation will be deprived of:

Typically, this sad news was buried at the bottom of the lamestream media’s USA Today report announcing the equally distressing news that Tea Party candidate, and Sarah Palin favorite, Joe Carr lost to establishment Republican traitor Lamar Alexander. It’s what they call in the journalism biz, burying the lede.

Fox News Anchor Arrested In Airport Bar (By Obama’s Thugs?)

Reports about an intoxicated and belligerent man brought police to a Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport bar Wednesday afternoon. There they found Fox News anchor Gregg Jarrett who allegedly refused to follow orders and was subsequently taken into custody. He posted a $300.00 bond and was released Thursday morning with a court date set for June 6, the Washington Post reported.

Last week Jarrett had requested a leave from his Fox News duties for unspecified “personal reasons.” And while requests for comment by Fox News went unanswered, we can speculate as to how the network will eventually report this event.

Fox News Jarrett

In another show of tyrannical overreach, the Obama administration has once again applied its boot to the neck of Fox News. Anchor Gregg Jarrett was harassed and arrested by police in Minneapolis while investigating Obama’s plot to ship incriminating documents from the Veterans Administration to Benghazi where they would be disposed of along with Tea Party applications for IRS tax exemptions. Some say that Jarrett was subjected to police brutality and later refused medical attention because the ObamaCare Death Panel declined to approve his claim.

Unfortunately, this isn’t too far off from how Fox actually constructs their news stories. Just yesterday, after Nancy Pelosi told the press that she was reluctantly assigning Democratic members to the GOP’s Select Committee on Politicizing Benghazi, which she regards as unfair and unnecessary, Fox News reported that she was recognizing the seriousness of the committee. In other words, Fox reported the complete opposite of what Pelosi had just said, seconds after she said it.

So don’t be surprised to see the mock report above become reality on Fox News, complete with impassioned defenses from the likes of Sean Hannity and Megyn Kelly. That’s if they ever bother to report on Jarrett’s arrest at all, which is highly unlikely.

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[Update:] Fox News released the following statement:

“We were made aware late last night that Gregg Jarrett was arrested in Minneapolis yesterday and charged with a misdemeanor. He is dealing with serious personal issues at this time. A date for which Gregg might return to air has yet to be determined.”

Also, the police report says that Jarrett was recently released from an alcohol or drug treatment facility. All kidding aside, hopefully he will get the help he needs.

Glenn Beck Begs To Be Martyred (And It’s All On Video)

On today’s episode of “Who The F**k Cares What Glenn Beck Thinks,” we find our anti-hero testifying about his recent holy encounter that resulted in a bona fide miracle. Unfortunately, Beck will not reveal the nature of his divine experience, saying only that…

“Someday I’ll tell you about it – about a full-fledged miracle that happened – that I can tell you that God exists. [...] Is there any other explanation other than God?”

Glen Beck Finger of God

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Apparently Beck expects us to accept that there is no explanation other than God without knowing what the hell he’s talking about. But if it’s anything like the miracle he claimed at his revival meeting in Washington, D.C. a few years ago, there might be another explanation. At that sacred gathering of the faithful a flock of geese flew overhead. That’s right! Just flying right there in the air. Which I suppose could be considered a miracle if you thought geese were pigs and flying was only possible for angels with harps.

Setting aside the mystery miracle, Glenn went on to explain why he believes that he is not the target of constant vitriol from the Obama administration. He actually seemed to be bitterly disappointed that the minions of evil in the White House were neglecting to harass him. But he was not short of an explanation for it:

“I really think one reason why the Obama administration has generally left us alone since we left Fox – now maybe it’s because we are irrelevant.”

That would be my first guess, but it’s just a launching pad for Beck’s hysteria:

“I have another opinion. These people know who Martin Luther King is. They know who Dietrich Bonhoeffer is. And they know you screw with somebody who is willing to die for what they believe in – is not gonna shut up – go ahead. You know who Nelson Madela is. Imprison me. Go ahead, imprison me. I will not sit down. I will not shut up. I won’t. I will not conform. I will not comply. Period.”

Now as close as I can figure, Beck believes that Obama is ignoring him because Beck is so much like Dr. King and/or Nelson Mandela. The similarities are obvious if you take enough psychoactive drugs. And Beck’s furious taunting that he be imprisoned because of his unwillingness to shut up begs the question, “Who asked you to shut up?” Beck is deliriously adamant that he will never sit down or shut up no matter how much no one is asking him to. It’s kind of like promising the Moon that you’ll stop shooting arrows at it. The Moon doesn’t know you’re doing it and wouldn’t care if it did. Likewise, no one has threatened to imprison Beck. As much as he seems to require incarceration in a locked rubber room, that is not something that anyone is pursuing. It is, however, characteristic of an acute paranoid persecution complex.

Glenn Beck

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Nevertheless, Beck has figured out that these are the reasons that Obama is leaving him alone. And it’s a good thing, too. Because if the White House were foolish enough to go after Beck, there would be a torrent of retribution raining down on the Kenyan demon. As Beck describes it…

“If I may quote Obi Wan, ‘Strike me down. Strike me down. I will become far more powerful than you can imagine.'”

Well, that oughta scare off the Empire’s Storm Troopers in Washington. The thought of Beck transforming into an omnipotent Jedi Master so that he can vanquish his political enemies will keep the Dark Side in check. But it’s a little confusing at this point because Beck has so far proclaimed that he is the living incarnation of Dr. King, Nelson Mandela, and Obi Wan Kenobi, fighting a battle that only exists in his rapidly decomposing brain.

For your entertainment pleasure…

Stephen Colbert Nails Fox Nation’s Resident Imbecile Jesse Watters (Video)

Finally. Media analysts and satirists have chronicled the brazenly partisan and shamelessly deceitful pseudo-news enterprise, known erroneously as Fox “News,” for several years. The disinformation and deliberate lies propagated by disreputable characters like Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Steve Doocy, Megyn Kelly, etc., has all been subjected to appropriate scrutiny and ridicule. But one of Fox’s most embarrassing figures has managed to escape the criticism he so richly deserves.

Stephen Colbert Watters World

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Jesse Watters is a producer on the O’Reilly Factor. He is regularly featured in segments that are intended to be humorous, but rarely achieve that goal for anyone whose sense of humor has evolved beyond kindergarten (in other words, Fox News viewers will love it). The “Watters’ World” bits generally show Watters interviewing “average” people – you know, the “folks” that Bill O’Reilly always claims to be watching out for. Except for when he dispatches his goons to produce heavily edited segments that only show responses from people that fail to give correct answers. That’s because the purpose of the interviews is to make them look like idiots.

It is also worth noting that Watters is the editor of the Fox News community website, Fox Nation. That fact is rarely disclosed publicly and is not credited anywhere on the website. But given the juvenile tone it sets, the horrifyingly violent and racist comments it draws, and the repeatedly false stories it promotes, Watters may have good reason to want to hide his involvement. [For a collection of more than 50 documented examples of blatant lies published by Fox Nation, get the ebook "Fox Nation vs. Reality: The Fox News Community's Assault On Truth." Available at Amazon]

Now Stephen Colbert has turned his biting incite toward Watters in a hilarious segment that demonstrates the dishonesty inherent to what Watters does. Colbert rehabilitates the people that Watters attempts to demean, exposes the cheap tactics that Watters exploits, and does it all with comedic brilliance. Here is the episode for your viewing pleasure:

Jon Stewart Nails Cliven Bundy: A Welfare Rancher Trying To Pull Off The World’s Largest Cattle Dine-And-Dash

The Daily Show returned from a week-long hiatus Monday to deliver an epic smackdown on the deadbeat cattleman in Nevada. Cliven Bundy has been widely rebuked for failing to pay customary grazing fees and declaring that he doesn’t “recognize the United States government as even existing.” The roots of his extremism was exposed here on News Corpse Sunday. The only people who support Bundy’s greedy, self-serving, churlishness are fellow terrorist militiamen and Fox News hosts. But Jon Stewart, as usual, provides one of the best perspectives on the situation that captures the absurdity of the affair in an honest and hilarious manner (video below). He sums it all up by observing that…

“The law isn’t on Bundy’s side. The court isn’t on Bundy’s side. Even the Nevada state constitution, which Bundy claims to abide, isn’t on Bundy’s side. Who the hell is on this guy’s side? [...Cue Sean Hannity video montage...] How out there is Hannity on this issue? Sean Hannity has now made Glenn Beck the voice of reason.”

Apocalypse Cow

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Stewart’s take thoroughly demolishes any defense of Bundy that could be mustered within the bounds or reason. And his graphic depiction of “Apocalypse Cow” perfectly conveys the radical theo-con leanings of Bundy & Company. However, in searching for the Daily Show video there were some unexpected discoveries that Stewart may not have been aware of:

  • Apocalypse Cow: The Simpsons: Season 19, Episode 17
    Bart tries to save the cow he raised for his 4-H club from the slaughterhouse, and in the process winds up getting accidentally engaged to one of Cletus’s daughters.
  • Apocalypse Cow by Michael Logan
    If you think you’ve seen it all — WORLD WAR Z, THE WALKING DEAD– you haven’t seen anything like this. From the twisted brain of Michael Logan comes Apocalypse Cow, a story about three unlikely heroes who must save Britain . . . from a rampaging horde of ZOMBIE COWS!
  • Apocalypse Cow – Three Floyds Brewing Co. & Brewpub
    This complex, double India Pale Ale has an intense citrus and floral hop aroma balanced by a velvety malt body which has been augmented with lactose milk sugar. With this different take on an IPA we have brewed an ale that is both pleasing to drink and, once again, “not normal.” Cheers!

Cletus, zombies and beer. How appropriate. And who knew this was such a popular theme? Anyway, here is Stewart’s version for your viewing pleasure.

And in honor of the Heifer joke above, please give to Heifer International: Together we have the power over hunger and poverty.

Electile Dysfunction? John Boehner’s Tea Party Primary Challenger Goes There

An Ohio Tea Party candidate seeking to oust Republican House Speaker John Boehner has released a Viagra-themed campaign ad (video below) that is actually pretty funny. J.D. Winteregg’s ad hits all the top Tea Party talking points. He’s anti-immigration, pro-gun and promises to defund ObamaCare and Planned Parenthood. And for some reason he also felt it necessary to declare his opposition golf.

John Boehner Electile Dysfunction

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Winteregg is just one of many Republican fringe candidates taking on establishment GOP figures like Boehner. He doesn’t have much chance of winning, but he can certainly be a major annoyance and, by reminding conservatives of all the things they hate about Boehner, he can contribute to Republican voters sitting out the election in November.

The ad slams Boehner as having “Electile Dysfunction” as a result of being in Washington, D.C. too long. It shows Boehner in videos being chummy with President Obama, a fatal flaw to the close-minded, Tea Party bigots who consider such fraternization to be akin to treason. And it charges Boehner with being spineless for having given in to liberals. Apparently shutting down the government for three weeks, supporting Darrell Issa’s McCarthyite inquisitions, and holding 50+ votes to cripple the Affordable Care Act is an expression of weakness in the eyes of Tea Party extremists.

Perhaps the the best moment in the ad is when the announcer gets to the disclaimer and warns that…

“If you have a Boehner lasting longer than 23 years, seek immediate medical attention.”

With that Winteregg has distinguished himself as the only candidate with the guts to make a dick joke in his official campaign video. And while it may not help him to win the primary, it’s a pretty good bet that he’ll get an invitation to appear on Bill Maher’s show after he loses. It will also get him some attention from the press, which is surely the whole point of the ad. The problem being that it will likely get more play on MSNBC than on Fox News.

And therein lies the flaw in Winteregg’s media strategy. It is not likely to appeal to the conservative media that he needs to rally voters. Consequently, the people most likely to vote for him may never see the ad. Democrats, on the other hand, will love the ad but will never vote for a far-right Tea Partier whose platform consists of nothing but negative attacks on Democratic policies and politicians.

So with this ad Winteregg has demonstrated that he (or more likely his media advisers) has a sense of humor, but he has also revealed that he has no idea how to manage a successful campaign. Which, of course, is also good for Democrats as well as Speaker Boner…er…Boehner.

Stephen Colbert To Replace David Letterman: Stay Tuned For Right-Wing Freakout

CBS announced this morning that Stephen Colbert, host of Comedy Central’s The Colbert Report, will succeed David Letterman as the host of The Late Show.

Fox Nation vs. Reality - Colbert

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Although Letterman only announced his pending retirement a few days ago, Colbert was almost instantly regarded as a top contender to fill the vacancy. His unique brand of characterture and satire has won him numerous Emmys and even a couple of Peabody Awards. When he assumes the position at the Late Show desk he will immediately challenge his peers to up their game in both raw comedy and creativity. It is fair to expect Colbert to reshape the concept of late-night television.

For extra added entertainment pleasure, watch the conservative martinets of Puritan culture grasp their throats and gasp for air as their lungs veritably burst with outrage. Colbert, and his Comedy Central mentor Jon Stewart, have long been targets of right-wing animosity. To the extent that they manage to get the jokes, they despise them and whine about more liberal domination of the news (as if Stewart and Colbert were actually journalists). They tried in vain to mimic the Daily Show and to launch (or relaunch) careers for conservative comics like Dennis Miller, Steven Crowder, and Victoria Jackson.

Just yesterday, Bill O’Reilly devoted his nightly Talking Points Memo segment to Colbert, whom he called “a deceiver” for mocking O’Reilly’s ludicrous defense of income inequality. O’Reilly went on to say that…

“Colbert can be dismissed as clueless, but the guy does do damage because he gives cover to the powerful people who are selling Americans a big lie, that this country is bad, that it intentionally oppresses many of its own citizens. That is a lie. That point of view is shameful.”

Well, O’Reilly is the authority when it comes to doing damage by giving cover to powerful people selling lies. But even as Fox News blasts Colbert and Stewart as hopelessly biased, they have recognized the falsehood in that characterization. News Corpse documented 29 occasions where the Fox Nation website praised Stewart for taking the conservative side on his program. That, however, has never stopped them from asserting that Stewart is a socialist who only satirizes conservatives.

In response to the Colbert promotion, Breitbart News editor, John Nolte tweeted “Low-Rated Hyper-Partisan Lefty to Replace David Letterman.” He previously critiqued Colbert saying that…

“There’s a HUGE left-wing agenda behind what Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert is doing, and it’s a serious agenda that has nothing to do with satire.”

That’s typical of the viewpoint that Nolte has held for years. In a series of ignorant columns attacking Colbert, Nolte pointed out what he considered to be the poor ratings performance of The Colbert Report. But due to his embarrassing ignorance of the television business, Nolte failed to realize that Colbert’s ratings were better than those of Fox News. What’s more, no knowledgeable person would compare the ratings of a niche cable channel with those of a broadcast TV network. When Colbert moves up to CBS he will inherit the audience that goes along with it.

Rush Limbaugh weighed in saying that…

“CBS has just declared war on the heartland of America. No longer is comedy going to be a covert assault on traditional American, conservative values. Now it’s just right out in the open.”

NewsBusters’ Dan Gainor tweeted…

“Colbert: From liberal asshat pretending to be conservative to liberal asshat who gets to be honest about his asshattery.”

Karl Rove was personally offended by Colbert’s “Ham Rove” bit, which he took as a threat of violence:

“One liberal replacing another one. Only this one apparently knows how to wield a knife.”

Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post published a screed titled “Picking Colbert to replace Letterman? CBS really screwed up,” in which author Kyle Smith (who?) says that Colbert is…

“…only funny if you accept the premise (conservatives are morons) while you snort Mountain Dew out your nose.”

There will surely be more to come from these media geniuses who live in fear of Colbert’s brand of truthiness. If they were smart they would withhold their juvenile insults and accept the fact that CBS made a decision that is in the best interests of their bottom line. They could simply declare that their silly #CancelColbert boycott campaign was a huge success and return to something they have a much longer history of – insulting women and minorities.

The prospect for Colbert’s future as a late-night host are promising. He has an appealing personality and an engaging rapport with the guests he interviews. He is likely to have less political content on CBS, where their Standards and Practices department will keep a tighter rein on him. That will be a loss for those of us who cherish his outlook on society and culture, but you can’t blame him for aspiring to advance his career. And while he may tone it down, he likely will not abandon it altogether.

What many of the people commenting on this news are neglecting to mention is that there will now be a vacancy at Comedy Central. Here’s hoping that Jon Stewart, whose production company put Colbert on as his lead-out, will have some say in the matter of what follows him next. Due to his irreplaceable persona, it will not be possible to slip someone else into the same format. But another snarky news send-up is still the obvious choice to fill out the late-night hour. Perhaps Comedy Central could parody Fox News’ The Five, with a panel show featuring Daily Show regulars like Lewis Black, John Hodgeman, Kristen Schaal, Al Madrigal, Jessica Williams, Wyatt Cynac, etc.

They have no shortage of talent available. And, thanks to Fox News and the rest of the right-wing media circus, they have no shortage of material either.

[Update] On his show last night, Bill O’Reilly ignored the news about Colbert’s new job, but Time Magazine caught up with him and elicited this response: “I hope Colbert will consider me for the Ed McMahon spot.” Proving once again that O’Reilly is hopelessly stuck in the past, his attempt at humor reached back to reference a decades old sidekick, rather than a more relevant choice like Paul Shaffer or Alan Coulter. But O’Reilly would be a good choice for an Ed McMahon role, whose comedic persona was that of an old Irish loudmouth and a notorious drunk.

Bill O'Reilly/Stephen Colbert

Republican Party Officially Re-Christened Tea Party: Sarah Palin Named Chair

In the past five years since Rick Santelli, a correspondent for CNBC, led a bevy of options traders on an anti-government rant, the Tea Party has gained enormous influence over conservative politics and particularly the Republican Party. Despite their small numbers, Tea Party Republicans have dominated the GOP in Congress and beyond. They threaten establishment Republicans with primary challenges and negative media campaigns. And all of this has occurred while appealing to less than a third of the American people and registering their lowest favorability ever.

The GOP today is no more popular than the sagging Tea Party. Following their crushing losses in 2012, the RNC produced a study that they themselves referred to as an autopsy that contained a laundry list of suggestions for reviving their future prospects. High on the list was expanding their outreach to African-Americans, Latinos, women, and young voters. However, in practice they have only further alienated all of those critical groups since the report was issued.

Recognizing the emerging trends, the Republican National Committee has conceded that they are no longer an effective organizational unit. Consequently, insiders are reporting that the party will soon announce a major reorganization, the principle feature of which will be a re-branding of the party of Lincoln with an even older historic reference: The Tea Party.

Republican Tea Party

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This turn of events may come as a surprise to many rank-and-file Republicans, but hints of this fundamental transformation were visible to those paying close attention. Michael Steele, the former chairman of the RNC, addressed this a couple of years ago saying that…

“It’s important for our party to appreciate and understand [the Tea Party] so we can move toward it, and embrace it.”

The current RNC chair, Reince Priebus (whose name without the vowels is RNC PR BS), has also attempted to erase the line delineating the Tea Party from the GOP saying that…

“It’s not Tea Party tactics. This is what the American people want.”

Of course, every poll shows that that statement is not true. Nevertheless, Republicans continue to wrap themselves in Tea Party linens. House Speaker John Boehner joined the choir saying that…

“There really is no difference between what Republicans believe in and what the Tea Party activists believe in.”

The ribbon round the package has to be Sarah Palin’s admonition in a speech she gave to the National Tea Party Convention:

“The Republican Party would be really smart to start trying to absorb as much of the Tea Party movement as possible because this is the future of our country. The Tea Party movement is the future of politics.”

It may be the sentiment in that speech that resulted in Palin being tapped to become the chair of the newly reconstituted GOP. Sources say that she was chosen by acclamation among an elite group of Republican Party leaders during a closely guarded conclave last week at the Florida residence of David Koch, one of the infamous Koch brothers who are responsible for bankrolling the Tea Party since its inception. Others in attendance were said to include Texas senator Ted Cruz, radio politi-vangelist Glenn Beck, outgoing House Tea Party caucus chair Michele Bachmann, and Fox News CEO Roger Ailes (who was sporting a “Draft Putin 2016″ button on his lapel).

The process of converting from Republicans to Tea Partiers will not begin in earnest until after the mid-term elections in November. After that there will be a flurry of activity from construction and furnishing to letterhead and logos. And by 2016 what was once referred to as the “Grand Old Party” (and more recently as the “Greedy One Percent”) will be a footnote in American history.

But don’t expect these changes to be anything more than cosmetic. The all new Tea Party will still be an intolerant, compassionless, science-denying, theocratic, advocate for corporations and the rich. Whether they are called Republicans or Tea Partiers, they are still committed to wealthy interests and opposed to ordinary working Americans. Some things never change.

[Update 4/2/2014] April Fools! But for the record, the first two paragraphs and all the quotes are true. So the re-branding has already occurred in principle.

Between Bill O’Reilly And Two Ferns: Video Proof That Plants Are Smarter Than Fox News Hosts

After Bill O’Reilly did his Superbowl interview with President Obama, O’Reilly predicted that “the interview that I did is going to go down in journalistic history.” So far, the only historical notice taken of the affair is O’Reilly’s boorishness and Narcissism.

Bill O'Reilly

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A much more likely candidate for the history books is the interview conducted by Zach Galifianakis on “Between Two Ferns.” It showcased the comedy stylings of the President while demonstrating his keen awareness of modern media and the impact of the Internet as a communications platform. Following his Ferns outing, which has racked up nearly three million views to date, traffic to Healthcare.gov spiked by 40%.

Bill O’Reilly’s famously sensitive ego must have been severely injured by the popularity of the Ferns bit, because he devoted one of his “Talking Points” segments to criticizing it as “problematic” and “desperate.” In fact, whenever O’Reilly is confronted with challenges to his omnipotence, he responds with venom and vacuous attacks. Another recent example of this is his criticism of CNN’s coverage of the Malaysian airliner. O’Reilly complained on his program that CNN was overdoing it, but the real source of his complaint is more likely the fact that CNN has been crushing him in the ratings ever since the jet went missing. Apparently cable news viewers are satisfied with CNN’s reporting, despite O’Reilly’s whining.

Well, now we have a fresh take on the O’Reilly/Galifianakis battle of the interviews courtesy of HuffPost Comedy. And, if anything, it shows that a fern would be a more than acceptable replacement for O’Reilly.

Coming Soon To Fox News: Dick Dynasty With ‘Hateful Phil’ Robertson

Fox News has announced the signing of former Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson to an exclusive contract to host a new program on the cable news network.

Fox News - Dick Dynasty

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In the wake of the controversy over anti-gay remarks made by Robertson, The A&E Network put the Duck Dynasty star on an indefinite suspension. Shortly thereafter, conservative activists and homophobes rushed to the defense of the unreality character with accusations of liberal media bias and censorship.

Not surprisingly, Fox News personalities were among the first, and most vocal, defenders of Robertson with Sean Hannity saying that Robertson’s comments were “old fashioned traditional Christian sentiment and values.” Fox’s Todd Starnes dismissed the comments as merely reflecting “the teachings of the Bible.” Sarah Palin warned that “Free speech is an endangered species.” Erick Erickson said that “Robertson said precisely what true Christians believe.”

These reactions illustrate the strategy behind Fox’s signing of Robertson. He is a Christian extremist who preaches that gays are bound for Hell. He is racist who believes that blacks were happily singing in the cotton fields during the Jim Crow era. He displays a level of ignorance on most subjects that is pitiful. And he has become wealthy by deceiving people into thinking that he is a redneck hillbilly. In short, he shares all of the same rightist positions and personality traits of the rest of the Fox News roster and will fit in nicely at their holiday parties.

Critics, however, object to the characterization of racism and homophobia as traditional Christian values and they reject Fox’s effort to claim to be the authority on such matters. Open-minded Christians put their faith in the actual teachings of Christ (who admonished his followers to refrain from judging others) and not in the sanctimonious bellowing of cable TV pundits. They also recognize that free speech is available to everyone, not just bigots who want to be able to spew their hatred without consequence.

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes is said to have personally directed the Robertson signing. It is consistent with his philosophy of demonizing the gay community that he lived in fear of, and built a bomb-proof office to protect himself from. Likewise, his security measures shielded him from dark-skinned and Muslim people of whom he was also afraid.

With Robertson’s addition to the Fox family, Ailes will have another ideological ally to advance his Tea Party agenda. Plus, there will be an experienced marksman in the building in the event of an attempt on on his life or an outbreak of civil unrest. Insiders are speculating that the new program will have spring premiere so as not to interfere with duck season.

Due To Drug Shortage, Texas To Start Outsourcing Executions To Somalia

The Associated Press is reporting today that a shortfall in the availability of the sedative pentobarbital will put a crimp in the calendar of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice and it’s scheduling of executions.

The Texas Department of Criminal Justice said Thursday that its remaining supply of pentobarbital expires in September and that no alternatives have been found. “We will be unable to use our current supply of pentobarbital after it expires,” agency spokesman Jason Clark said. “We are exploring all options at this time.”

Rick Perry
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The state of Texas has led the nation in executions by a wide margin since the Supreme Court allowed executions to resume in 1976. Since then Texas has executed 503 inmates. The next highest number was in Virginia with a mere 110.

The availability of the pentobarbital is rapidly depleting due to the death cult fetishism of the Texan government that makes it hard for supply to keep up with demand. The problem is exacerbated by the reluctance of pharmaceutical manufacturers to provide their products for use in ceremonial rituals of cold-blooded murder. And since Texas no longer has an electric chair or a gas chamber, their alternatives are sharply narrowed.

Consequently, Texas governor Rick Perry is in talks with a number of prominent Somali war lords who have the resources to fulfill the state’s ever growing need to produce fresh corpses. The negotiations involve setting up procedures to transport inmates to the African nation where the authorities will disburse them to various factions of the Taliban or Al Qaeda for termination. In exchange, the Somalis get critical practice assassinating Americans, which they can put to use in future terrorist campaigns. It’s a win-win scenario for two parties who have the same objectives: killing large numbers of American citizens.

Other alternatives under consideration include stoning inmates in the prison yard; forcing them to consume large amounts pork rinds and bacon-cheeseburgers; fitting them with Obama masks and releasing them outside of Waco; inviting them to go quail hunting with Dick Cheney; and for black inmates, good old-fashioned lynchings (they’ll never have to worry about running out of rope).

Whatever course of action they settle on, you can rest assured that Texas will not allow their leadership in this field of endeavor to lapse. Texas is bound and determined to remain the execution champs for years to come. Even if it means resorting to overdoses of Viagra, which the menfolk of Texas still have in abundant quantities.

Fast Food Fight: The Daily Show’s John Oliver Deep Fries Fox News

Fox News / McDonalds

“They sell you something that looks appetizing, but leaves you feeling nauseous for hours afterwards.” ~John Oliver on Fox News

That’s how John Oliver described the similarities between Fox News and the fast food industry. In an epic take-down of Fox (video below), Oliver brilliantly exposed the selfishness, hypocrisy, and stupidity, of the network’s upper-crusty pundits’ callous attitude toward working people who have the gall to rally for a living wage.

The segment features multiple Fox scrooges insisting that workers should be grateful to have any job and stop whining about how toiling full-time in harsh conditions doesn’t provide sufficient compensation to feed and house their families. Oliver notes the risks associated with a multi-billion dollar international conglomerate fairly compensating their employees:

“If you raise the minimum wage. people will never stop working in the fast food industry. They’ll get so comfortable in the hot kitchens, in their acrylic uniforms, relaxing in that grease fog, smelling like processed meat no matter how many showers they take.”

But the real victim of Oliver’s harangue was Fox’s VP of financial news, Neil Cavuto, who bragged about his own youthful experience as a fast food employee. Cavuto touted the opportunities for advancement and months of success he enjoyed slinging fish and chips. Unfortunately, he also demonstrated how ill-equipped he is to be commenting on financial matters. In his fanciful flashback he noted that “it all started at two bucks an hour.” But as Mother Jones reported

“[T]he math makes the opposite point Cavuto intended — adjusted for inflation, he made a lot more money as a teenager than the fast food employees who walked off their jobs in seven US cities this week. [...] $2.22 per hour more than the current federal minimum wage.”

So, there goes Cavuto’s argument against raising the minimum wage. And he set himself up for Oliver to make the astute observation that, “Working at Arthur Treacher’s was the last job Neil Cavuto was qualified for.” Of course, Cavuto is the Glenn Beck of business news. He engages in non-stop, brazenly partisan, propagandizing on behalf of the conservative agenda of his network bosses, Roger Ailes and Rupert Murdoch. Cavuto is a Tea Party boosting, climate science denying, harbinger of economic Armageddon.

The “Phony Scandal” Division At Fox News Has Lost Its Mind

Deep in the basement of Fox News headquarters in New York, there is windowless suite of offices staffed with social misfits who shun sunlight and reason. They have been trained by specialists in disinformation and propaganda to manipulate stories and statements in a manner that reflects badly on President Obama and his administration.

The “Phony Scandals Unit” (PSU) has been busy during Obama’s term as president. Their production has been industrious and creative. Some of their notable achievements include Fast and Furious, Solyndra, New Black Panthers, Benghazi, and Tea Party targeting at the IRS. Of course, none of these have been associated with the White House, but that’s beside the point. The PSU’s purpose is not to report factually. It is to create suspicion and innuendo, and to give useless members of congress excuses to conduct frivolous hearings.

However, something is obviously wrong with the PSU team. While their previous scandal output was weak and contrived, it managed to draw the attention of the media to some degree. But their current projects seem to be lacking in plausibility to the extent that the whole division could become an embarrassment. For instance…

Hurtful Tax Cuts

The GOP has spent decades defining itself as the enemy of taxes in any form. No matter what the state of the economy, they advocate cutting taxes as the best way forward. In boom times or bust, it’s cut, cut cut, those taxes. After all, the government doesn’t need any money to operate or provide services or fight wars. If children starve of senior citizens suffer, it’s their own fault for not being wealthy.

So what might have caused the anti-tax Republicans to suddenly advance the notion that a corporate tax cut would hurt small businesses?

Fox News Tax Cut

How could this happen when tax cuts are deemed by the GOP to be ordained by God? The answer is that the corporate tax cuts in question were proposed by President Obama, and the only doctrine that Republicans adhere to more strictly than tax cuts, is to oppose Obama regardless of what he says. So as soon as he proposed cutting taxes, Fox’s PSU went to work.

Government Nudging

The PSU was working overtime to uncover a clandestine White House operation that they contend has a sinister mission. The “Behavioral Insights Team” is alleged by Fox wingnuts to be a Svengali-like operation charged with “tweaking behavior so people do everything from saving more for retirement to saving more in energy costs.” Saints preserve us. It’s the devil’s work.

Fox News Nudge Squad

The seeds of this dastardly plot lay in the work of a former White House aide, Cass Sunstein. He actually wrote the book “Nudge: Improving Decisions About Health, Wealth, and Happiness.” Glenn Beck, when he was still on Fox News, had singled Sunstein out as “the most dangerous man in America.” And with good reason. The tactics about which he wrote could be used to get people to pay their taxes on time, or buckle their seat belts, or “say no to drugs” (thanks Nancy “the Nudge” Reagan).

The IRS Army

Finally, The right wing freakout hit a new low with the folks at Fox Nation, who are prone to freaking out without much encouragement. It appears that the number of agents at the IRS was a problem for the conservatives who hate the agency anyway.

Fox Nation IRS Army

So the PSU and the Fox Nationalists looked around and found that there were other organizations that had fewer people than the IRS. For some reason they settled on the German army as their comparison. Certainly they had no intention of implying anything.

Now, what does the number of German soldiers have to do with the number of IRS agents? Absolutely nothing. The IRS staff is determined by the workload and operational efficiencies. It’s requirements are in no way similar to those of the German military. General Motors has twice as many employees as either of them. So what? Walmart has 20 times as many employees. Does that suggest something evil about Walmart? Well, that might be a bad example.

Aside from being irrelevant, The story is wrong. It assumes that every employee of the IRS is an agent. Obviously that would come as news to the accountants, secretaries, lawyers, computer techs, file clerks, etc. This phony scandal is almost as idiotic as the one when Fox fear mongers said that the IRS was hiring thousands of armed agents to enforce ObamaCare.

Conclusion

What these three stories tell us is that the ability of the Phony Scandals Unit has deteriorated substantially. They are apparently incapable of developing a new scandal that isn’t laughably asinine. If this is the standard for the types of scandals that Fox News will be foisting on the American public for the next couple of years, then we are in for some rollicking good times. I can’t wait to see what they will cook up for Hillary. Perhaps it will have something to do with the buttons on her pants suits transmitting state secrets to the planet Kardash.

Stephen Colbert On The Tea Party Burning ObamaCare Cards That Don’t Exist

The Tea-publican brain trust is at it again. It’s not enough that they campaigned feverishly to prevent the Affordable Care Act (ObamaCare) from becoming law; followed by an eye-popping 40 useless, symbolic votes in the House of Representatives to repeal the law; followed by Republican-led states refusing to participate in the health exchanges, transferring responsibility to the federal government they claim to hate; followed by efforts to intimidate schools, libraries, and sports teams from helping to educate Americans about a program that is available to them that can save money and even lives. And of course, Fox News is at the forefront of this festival of disinformation.

Fox News
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Nope. None of that was enough. So now they are embarking on a coordinated campaign to convince people that they should not sign up for ObamaCare when it becomes available. That’s right…If you are a young person with no health care, a family with over-priced private insurance, a patient with a preexisting condition, a senior on a fixed income, the GOP thinks you should forgo the benefits to which you are entitled and risk having expensive medical costs keep you from getting necessary care, or drive you into bankruptcy. Nice of them isn’t it.

The centerpiece of their campaign is a program to get people to burn their ObamaCare cards. There’s just one problem with that – as Stephen Colbert reveals, there is no such thing as ObamaCare cards. But never fear, the folks at the Koch-funded Tea Party asylum, FreedomWorks, are planning to make their own cards which will be suitable for burning. Watch Colbert spell out out the whole process works:

This is so typical of how the right works. Their most fervent desire is to see people suffer, rather than adjust their demented viewpoints. That’s true with regard to health care. It’s true with regard to the economy and jobs. It’s true with regard to foreign policy. And it’s really kind of depressing that so many people fall for it. Thank goodness for Colbert whose perspective on this sort of lunacy can bring laughter back into the debate, along with a big scoop of wisdom.

BREAKING: Screwing Royals Surprise The World With Mystery Baby

Reports from our London bureau are confirming that a couple of members of the British royal family have in their custody a male infant who they are claiming to be an heir to the throne of England. The child arrived this morning, although there is no evidence of an entourage or a means of transportation. Witnesses report that it was not there one moment, and then it was there the next.

Royal Fuckers

Scientific experts have developed a consensus theory that is being met with some skepticism by Republicans in the U.S. who reject any explanation that doesn’t involve divine intervention or result in lower corporate taxes. The scientists’ description of the phenomenon was summarized in a paper submitted to a British medical journal:

“Our research indicates a probable relationship with an interaction between the parties in the royal family,” wrote Dr. Ezekial Bogsworth-Kent of the University of London. “Empirical testing suggests that Prince William inserted his penis into the vagina of Lady Kate and maneuvered it inwardly and outwardly in successive motions until there was an eruption of spermatozoa. A chemical reaction subsequently occurred that resembles fertilization. It is difficult to conclude with certainty the sequence of events because they appear to have taken place some eight or nine months prior to the appearance of the mystery infant.”

The media has dispatched considerable resources to London in an effort to uncover the details of this affair, and its political and social ramifications. There are many unanswered questions, but diligent journalists are hard at work pressing their sources to acquire the information that is critical to a curious world. The news networks have ceased coverage of all the other trivial matters that generally consume their airtime. In the several hours since the announcement of the infant there has been no mention of George Zimmerman, Benghazi, immigration, Edward Snowden, or the economy and jobs.

The priority afforded to this breaking news is understandable when viewed in light of the international significance of this event. After all, this infant, in a couple of decades, may or may not be elevated to an entirely ceremonial role as the king of an empire over which he would have no power whatsoever, other than to spend millions of the tax dollars collected from struggling British citizens on his lavish lifestyle. So it is obvious why the media would focus so intently on this singular spectacle that is repeated tens of thousands of times every day by less consequential peasant folk.

The American press corps is no less obsessed with this distinctly British story because, despite the fact that the United States engaged in a bloody war of independence in order to cast off the shackles of monarchy, they are still entranced by royal melodrama that has no impact on them at all. So for the next few hours (days?) don’t expect to hear anything on the news that addresses the myriad problems America faces with its economic and social tribulations. There is a funny looking baby in a palace thousands of miles away that is far more important.

Royal Baby

EXCLUSIVE: Fox News Signs George Zimmerman As Host: “Stand Your Ground” Premieres This Fall

Now that the jury has delivered a “not guilty” verdict for teen stalker/killer George Zimmerman, Fox News has taken a bold move to extend the ratings bonanza of the trial into the fall television season.

George Zimmerman
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Sources inside Fox News have confirmed that Zimmerman has agreed to host a nightly crime and social affairs program on the network that is set to premiere in October 2013. The controversial signing is consistent with Fox’s programming philosophy of exploiting the transient publicity of media spectacles by drafting the beneficiaries of inordinate press attention, despite a lack of experience or qualifications – e.g. Sarah Palin.

The preliminary format for the Zimmerman program is said to consist of segments analyzing breaking crime dramas such as murderous spouses, kidnapped sorority girls, celebrity arrests, high-speed police chases, and any stray rumors involving presidential sex scandals. Fox News contributor, and noted racist ex-cop, Mark Fuhrman, will have a regular spot on the panel segment to offer his expertise in undermining criminal prosecutions with racial epithets. In that respect Fuhrman, who famously extolled the virtues of the “N” word, shares common ground with Zimmerman who regards innocent black teenagers walking through his neighborhood as “fucking punks.”

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes welcomed Zimmerman to the network saying “We could not be more excited by having such a strong advocate of law enforcement on our team. George’s unique insight and commitment to safe neighborhoods and the preservation of the Second Amendment will connect with our audience and inspire Americans to stand their ground.” Ailes also said that Zimmerman will have a role on the Fox Nation web site where they specialize in flagrant lies, a skill Zimmerman has already demonstrated a knack for.

Zimmerman’s new colleagues at Fox are also anxious to work with him. Sean Hannity, who gave Zimmerman his first platform on cable TV, praised his keen instincts and predicted that his hair-trigger analysis and spin on reality will surprise many. Bill O’Reilly is looking forward to lunching with Zimmerman at Sylvia’s. And Geraldo Rivera lauded Zimmerman’s critical eye on fashion that he hopes will put an end to the trendy adoption of thug-wear that has resulted in so much unnecessary bloodshed.

Hoodies

The addition of George Zimmerman to the Fox lineup is a good fit to shore up both their editorial mission and their audience appeal. They are already receiving rave reviews from the NRA and the Tea Party. Throughout the trial Fox demonstrated an overt favoritism for Zimmerman and the prospects of his acquittal. Now, with his new assignment, he will make Fox the first and only network to feature a host who has actually snuffed out the life of an innocent American. And the icing on the cake is that the victim was black and almost certainly not a Fox viewer.