Due To Drug Shortage, Texas To Start Outsourcing Executions To Somalia

The Associated Press is reporting today that a shortfall in the availability of the sedative pentobarbital will put a crimp in the calendar of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice and it’s scheduling of executions.

The Texas Department of Criminal Justice said Thursday that its remaining supply of pentobarbital expires in September and that no alternatives have been found. “We will be unable to use our current supply of pentobarbital after it expires,” agency spokesman Jason Clark said. “We are exploring all options at this time.”

Rick Perry
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The state of Texas has led the nation in executions by a wide margin since the Supreme Court allowed executions to resume in 1976. Since then Texas has executed 503 inmates. The next highest number was in Virginia with a mere 110.

The availability of the pentobarbital is rapidly depleting due to the death cult fetishism of the Texan government that makes it hard for supply to keep up with demand. The problem is exacerbated by the reluctance of pharmaceutical manufacturers to provide their products for use in ceremonial rituals of cold-blooded murder. And since Texas no longer has an electric chair or a gas chamber, their alternatives are sharply narrowed.

Consequently, Texas governor Rick Perry is in talks with a number of prominent Somali war lords who have the resources to fulfill the state’s ever growing need to produce fresh corpses. The negotiations involve setting up procedures to transport inmates to the African nation where the authorities will disburse them to various factions of the Taliban or Al Qaeda for termination. In exchange, the Somalis get critical practice assassinating Americans, which they can put to use in future terrorist campaigns. It’s a win-win scenario for two parties who have the same objectives: killing large numbers of American citizens.

Other alternatives under consideration include stoning inmates in the prison yard; forcing them to consume large amounts pork rinds and bacon-cheeseburgers; fitting them with Obama masks and releasing them outside of Waco; inviting them to go quail hunting with Dick Cheney; and for black inmates, good old-fashioned lynchings (they’ll never have to worry about running out of rope).

Whatever course of action they settle on, you can rest assured that Texas will not allow their leadership in this field of endeavor to lapse. Texas is bound and determined to remain the execution champs for years to come. Even if it means resorting to overdoses of Viagra, which the menfolk of Texas still have in abundant quantities.

Fast Food Fight: The Daily Show’s John Oliver Deep Fries Fox News

Fox News / McDonalds

“They sell you something that looks appetizing, but leaves you feeling nauseous for hours afterwards.” ~John Oliver on Fox News

That’s how John Oliver described the similarities between Fox News and the fast food industry. In an epic take-down of Fox (video below), Oliver brilliantly exposed the selfishness, hypocrisy, and stupidity, of the network’s upper-crusty pundits’ callous attitude toward working people who have the gall to rally for a living wage.

The segment features multiple Fox scrooges insisting that workers should be grateful to have any job and stop whining about how toiling full-time in harsh conditions doesn’t provide sufficient compensation to feed and house their families. Oliver notes the risks associated with a multi-billion dollar international conglomerate fairly compensating their employees:

“If you raise the minimum wage. people will never stop working in the fast food industry. They’ll get so comfortable in the hot kitchens, in their acrylic uniforms, relaxing in that grease fog, smelling like processed meat no matter how many showers they take.”

But the real victim of Oliver’s harangue was Fox’s VP of financial news, Neil Cavuto, who bragged about his own youthful experience as a fast food employee. Cavuto touted the opportunities for advancement and months of success he enjoyed slinging fish and chips. Unfortunately, he also demonstrated how ill-equipped he is to be commenting on financial matters. In his fanciful flashback he noted that “it all started at two bucks an hour.” But as Mother Jones reported

“[T]he math makes the opposite point Cavuto intended — adjusted for inflation, he made a lot more money as a teenager than the fast food employees who walked off their jobs in seven US cities this week. […] $2.22 per hour more than the current federal minimum wage.”

So, there goes Cavuto’s argument against raising the minimum wage. And he set himself up for Oliver to make the astute observation that, “Working at Arthur Treacher’s was the last job Neil Cavuto was qualified for.” Of course, Cavuto is the Glenn Beck of business news. He engages in non-stop, brazenly partisan, propagandizing on behalf of the conservative agenda of his network bosses, Roger Ailes and Rupert Murdoch. Cavuto is a Tea Party boosting, climate science denying, harbinger of economic Armageddon.

The “Phony Scandal” Division At Fox News Has Lost Its Mind

Deep in the basement of Fox News headquarters in New York, there is windowless suite of offices staffed with social misfits who shun sunlight and reason. They have been trained by specialists in disinformation and propaganda to manipulate stories and statements in a manner that reflects badly on President Obama and his administration.

The “Phony Scandals Unit” (PSU) has been busy during Obama’s term as president. Their production has been industrious and creative. Some of their notable achievements include Fast and Furious, Solyndra, New Black Panthers, Benghazi, and Tea Party targeting at the IRS. Of course, none of these have been associated with the White House, but that’s beside the point. The PSU’s purpose is not to report factually. It is to create suspicion and innuendo, and to give useless members of congress excuses to conduct frivolous hearings.

However, something is obviously wrong with the PSU team. While their previous scandal output was weak and contrived, it managed to draw the attention of the media to some degree. But their current projects seem to be lacking in plausibility to the extent that the whole division could become an embarrassment. For instance…

Hurtful Tax Cuts

The GOP has spent decades defining itself as the enemy of taxes in any form. No matter what the state of the economy, they advocate cutting taxes as the best way forward. In boom times or bust, it’s cut, cut cut, those taxes. After all, the government doesn’t need any money to operate or provide services or fight wars. If children starve of senior citizens suffer, it’s their own fault for not being wealthy.

So what might have caused the anti-tax Republicans to suddenly advance the notion that a corporate tax cut would hurt small businesses?

Fox News Tax Cut

How could this happen when tax cuts are deemed by the GOP to be ordained by God? The answer is that the corporate tax cuts in question were proposed by President Obama, and the only doctrine that Republicans adhere to more strictly than tax cuts, is to oppose Obama regardless of what he says. So as soon as he proposed cutting taxes, Fox’s PSU went to work.

Government Nudging

The PSU was working overtime to uncover a clandestine White House operation that they contend has a sinister mission. The “Behavioral Insights Team” is alleged by Fox wingnuts to be a Svengali-like operation charged with “tweaking behavior so people do everything from saving more for retirement to saving more in energy costs.” Saints preserve us. It’s the devil’s work.

Fox News Nudge Squad

The seeds of this dastardly plot lay in the work of a former White House aide, Cass Sunstein. He actually wrote the book “Nudge: Improving Decisions About Health, Wealth, and Happiness.” Glenn Beck, when he was still on Fox News, had singled Sunstein out as “the most dangerous man in America.” And with good reason. The tactics about which he wrote could be used to get people to pay their taxes on time, or buckle their seat belts, or “say no to drugs” (thanks Nancy “the Nudge” Reagan).

The IRS Army

Finally, The right wing freakout hit a new low with the folks at Fox Nation, who are prone to freaking out without much encouragement. It appears that the number of agents at the IRS was a problem for the conservatives who hate the agency anyway.

Fox Nation IRS Army

So the PSU and the Fox Nationalists looked around and found that there were other organizations that had fewer people than the IRS. For some reason they settled on the German army as their comparison. Certainly they had no intention of implying anything.

Now, what does the number of German soldiers have to do with the number of IRS agents? Absolutely nothing. The IRS staff is determined by the workload and operational efficiencies. It’s requirements are in no way similar to those of the German military. General Motors has twice as many employees as either of them. So what? Walmart has 20 times as many employees. Does that suggest something evil about Walmart? Well, that might be a bad example.

Aside from being irrelevant, The story is wrong. It assumes that every employee of the IRS is an agent. Obviously that would come as news to the accountants, secretaries, lawyers, computer techs, file clerks, etc. This phony scandal is almost as idiotic as the one when Fox fear mongers said that the IRS was hiring thousands of armed agents to enforce ObamaCare.


What these three stories tell us is that the ability of the Phony Scandals Unit has deteriorated substantially. They are apparently incapable of developing a new scandal that isn’t laughably asinine. If this is the standard for the types of scandals that Fox News will be foisting on the American public for the next couple of years, then we are in for some rollicking good times. I can’t wait to see what they will cook up for Hillary. Perhaps it will have something to do with the buttons on her pants suits transmitting state secrets to the planet Kardash.

Stephen Colbert On The Tea Party Burning ObamaCare Cards That Don’t Exist

The Tea-publican brain trust is at it again. It’s not enough that they campaigned feverishly to prevent the Affordable Care Act (ObamaCare) from becoming law; followed by an eye-popping 40 useless, symbolic votes in the House of Representatives to repeal the law; followed by Republican-led states refusing to participate in the health exchanges, transferring responsibility to the federal government they claim to hate; followed by efforts to intimidate schools, libraries, and sports teams from helping to educate Americans about a program that is available to them that can save money and even lives. And of course, Fox News is at the forefront of this festival of disinformation.

Fox News
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Nope. None of that was enough. So now they are embarking on a coordinated campaign to convince people that they should not sign up for ObamaCare when it becomes available. That’s right…If you are a young person with no health care, a family with over-priced private insurance, a patient with a preexisting condition, a senior on a fixed income, the GOP thinks you should forgo the benefits to which you are entitled and risk having expensive medical costs keep you from getting necessary care, or drive you into bankruptcy. Nice of them isn’t it.

The centerpiece of their campaign is a program to get people to burn their ObamaCare cards. There’s just one problem with that – as Stephen Colbert reveals, there is no such thing as ObamaCare cards. But never fear, the folks at the Koch-funded Tea Party asylum, FreedomWorks, are planning to make their own cards which will be suitable for burning. Watch Colbert spell out out the whole process works:

This is so typical of how the right works. Their most fervent desire is to see people suffer, rather than adjust their demented viewpoints. That’s true with regard to health care. It’s true with regard to the economy and jobs. It’s true with regard to foreign policy. And it’s really kind of depressing that so many people fall for it. Thank goodness for Colbert whose perspective on this sort of lunacy can bring laughter back into the debate, along with a big scoop of wisdom.

BREAKING: Screwing Royals Surprise The World With Mystery Baby

Reports from our London bureau are confirming that a couple of members of the British royal family have in their custody a male infant who they are claiming to be an heir to the throne of England. The child arrived this morning, although there is no evidence of an entourage or a means of transportation. Witnesses report that it was not there one moment, and then it was there the next.

Royal Fuckers

Scientific experts have developed a consensus theory that is being met with some skepticism by Republicans in the U.S. who reject any explanation that doesn’t involve divine intervention or result in lower corporate taxes. The scientists’ description of the phenomenon was summarized in a paper submitted to a British medical journal:

“Our research indicates a probable relationship with an interaction between the parties in the royal family,” wrote Dr. Ezekial Bogsworth-Kent of the University of London. “Empirical testing suggests that Prince William inserted his penis into the vagina of Lady Kate and maneuvered it inwardly and outwardly in successive motions until there was an eruption of spermatozoa. A chemical reaction subsequently occurred that resembles fertilization. It is difficult to conclude with certainty the sequence of events because they appear to have taken place some eight or nine months prior to the appearance of the mystery infant.”

The media has dispatched considerable resources to London in an effort to uncover the details of this affair, and its political and social ramifications. There are many unanswered questions, but diligent journalists are hard at work pressing their sources to acquire the information that is critical to a curious world. The news networks have ceased coverage of all the other trivial matters that generally consume their airtime. In the several hours since the announcement of the infant there has been no mention of George Zimmerman, Benghazi, immigration, Edward Snowden, or the economy and jobs.

The priority afforded to this breaking news is understandable when viewed in light of the international significance of this event. After all, this infant, in a couple of decades, may or may not be elevated to an entirely ceremonial role as the king of an empire over which he would have no power whatsoever, other than to spend millions of the tax dollars collected from struggling British citizens on his lavish lifestyle. So it is obvious why the media would focus so intently on this singular spectacle that is repeated tens of thousands of times every day by less consequential peasant folk.

The American press corps is no less obsessed with this distinctly British story because, despite the fact that the United States engaged in a bloody war of independence in order to cast off the shackles of monarchy, they are still entranced by royal melodrama that has no impact on them at all. So for the next few hours (days?) don’t expect to hear anything on the news that addresses the myriad problems America faces with its economic and social tribulations. There is a funny looking baby in a palace thousands of miles away that is far more important.

Royal Baby

EXCLUSIVE: Fox News Signs George Zimmerman As Host: “Stand Your Ground” Premieres This Fall

Now that the jury has delivered a “not guilty” verdict for teen stalker/killer George Zimmerman, Fox News has taken a bold move to extend the ratings bonanza of the trial into the fall television season.

George Zimmerman
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Sources inside Fox News have confirmed that Zimmerman has agreed to host a nightly crime and social affairs program on the network that is set to premiere in October 2013. The controversial signing is consistent with Fox’s programming philosophy of exploiting the transient publicity of media spectacles by drafting the beneficiaries of inordinate press attention, despite a lack of experience or qualifications – e.g. Sarah Palin.

The preliminary format for the Zimmerman program is said to consist of segments analyzing breaking crime dramas such as murderous spouses, kidnapped sorority girls, celebrity arrests, high-speed police chases, and any stray rumors involving presidential sex scandals. Fox News contributor, and noted racist ex-cop, Mark Fuhrman, will have a regular spot on the panel segment to offer his expertise in undermining criminal prosecutions with racial epithets. In that respect Fuhrman, who famously extolled the virtues of the “N” word, shares common ground with Zimmerman who regards innocent black teenagers walking through his neighborhood as “fucking punks.”

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes welcomed Zimmerman to the network saying “We could not be more excited by having such a strong advocate of law enforcement on our team. George’s unique insight and commitment to safe neighborhoods and the preservation of the Second Amendment will connect with our audience and inspire Americans to stand their ground.” Ailes also said that Zimmerman will have a role on the Fox Nation web site where they specialize in flagrant lies, a skill Zimmerman has already demonstrated a knack for.

Zimmerman’s new colleagues at Fox are also anxious to work with him. Sean Hannity, who gave Zimmerman his first platform on cable TV, praised his keen instincts and predicted that his hair-trigger analysis and spin on reality will surprise many. Bill O’Reilly is looking forward to lunching with Zimmerman at Sylvia’s. And Geraldo Rivera lauded Zimmerman’s critical eye on fashion that he hopes will put an end to the trendy adoption of thug-wear that has resulted in so much unnecessary bloodshed.


The addition of George Zimmerman to the Fox lineup is a good fit to shore up both their editorial mission and their audience appeal. They are already receiving rave reviews from the NRA and the Tea Party. Throughout the trial Fox demonstrated an overt favoritism for Zimmerman and the prospects of his acquittal. Now, with his new assignment, he will make Fox the first and only network to feature a host who has actually snuffed out the life of an innocent American. And the icing on the cake is that the victim was black and almost certainly not a Fox viewer.

REPORT: Obama Says Tea Party Members Fit Profile of Domestic Terrorists (Really?)

Tea PartyIn a press conference in Tanzania, the National Report notes an extraordinary exchange between a journalist from the Associated Press, Ramona Darlington, and President Barack Obama. According to the Report, Darlington asked Obama to explain what the profile of an American domestic terrorist is. Obama’s answer will surely raise the ire of the Tea Party and their members:

“Typically domestic terrorists in the U.S. are people who cling to obsolete beliefs from the time of the American Revolution. They are conservative Christians, reactionary Republicans and conspiracy theorists many of whom belong to racist hate groups. […] Tea Partiers commonly own guns and stock up ammunition and food in anticipation of starting another civil war to overthrow the will of the governing body who represent all of the American people.”

This is a shocking statement coming from the President of the United States. Sure, the Tea Party has much in common with the Taliban and other violent extremists. They both believe that religion should be the foundation of government. They are both virulently anti-gay. They would both enforce a submissive role for women who must not be permitted to make decisions about their own bodies. They both have a perverse obsession with guns. They both advocate overthrowing the secular governments that they despise. And while these similarities are apparent to objective observers, for the President to express these thoughts openly is astonishing.

American Taliban
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Naturally, the mainstream media has suppressed the reporting of these controversial remarks. Why would they do that? Could it be because they are in the tank for Obama as conservatives have long argued? Or could it be that the source of the story, The National Report, is an obviously satirical web site and that the whole thing was a joke?

Despite all the evidence that the story is a fake, many on the Tea Party right have taken it to heart and are outraged that the President said these things that he never actually said. The story has already been picked up by FreeRepublic, TeaParty.org, TruthAboutGuns, and a popular Ron Paul fan site, the DailyPaul. These geniuses must have failed to notice the conspicuously comedic content filling the site’s home page. Here are samples of their current articles in addition to the one about the terrorist Tea Party:

  • Was Paula Deen Framed for Racism by Tasteless Food Trend Purists?
  • Lawmaker Corks Gay Talk Hole with God’s Law, Crowned D&D Champ.
  • Selfish Wendy Davis Rejects Rick Perry Compliment, Could Have Kidney Infection.
  • Poll: Can Zimmerman get a Mistrial if the Lady Jury is on Their Periods?
  • New CDC Study Indicates Pets Of Gay Couples Worse At Sports, Better At Fashion Than Pets Of Straight Couples.

Since this wasn’t enough to alert the Tea Party dimwits to the fact that the site peddles parody, they might have avoided making asses of themselves by reading the site’s rather humorous disclaimer:

“National Report is a news and political satire web publication, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. All news articles contained within National Report are fiction, and presumably fake news. […] Advice given is NOT to be construed as professional. If you are in need of professional help (and you may be if you are on this page), please consult a professional.”

Was that too vague as well? Then perhaps the Teabaggers should have done just a modicum of research whereby they would have discovered something that was later noted by a spokesman for the Associated Press:

“There is no AP reporter named Ramona Darlington, this is not an AP story and as best as I can tell, a few people have been had.”

This is fairly typical for the great thinkers of the Tea Party. They repudiate the science that overwhelmingly proves that Climate Change is occurring and is caused by humans. They reject evolution and cling to the biblical myth that the Earth is only 6,000 years old. And they have fallen for similar scams that range from Obama being a Muslim from Kenya, to FEMA building concentration camps, to the health care law creating death panels, to government plotting mass gun confiscations, and on and on.

Consequently, it isn’t much of stretch for them to buy into this phony news story. It presents a ridiculous notion that they want to believe so badly that it doesn’t matter whether or not it’s actually true, or even plausible. And that pretty much sums up their entire political philosophy. They’re wrong on the economy. They’re wrong on taxes. They are hysterically off-kilter on the Constitution, despite their neato costumes. And they are an imminent danger to satirical sites like the National Report because they are funnier in their own ineptness than anything a good satirist can invent.

Stephen Colbert Takes On The Totalitarian Bicyclista Conspiracy (Video)

When a member of the Wall Street Journal’s editorial board speaks out about the imminent threat to America’s freedom posed by subversive bike riders, you sure hope that somebody is listening and is prepared to act. Thank God for Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert
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The Journal’s Dorothy Rabinowitz took to the airwaves to warn America about the these vile bicyclistas and the government stooges who enable them. While she declined to speculate on what is in “the mind of the totalitarians running this government,” she pointed out that…

“We now look at a city whose best neighborhoods are absolutely…“begrimed” is the word…by these blazing blue Citibank bikes.”

Exactly! It’s an abomination that must not be tolerated by freedom-loving patriots. Colbert quickly recognized the wisdom in Rabinowitz’s criticism and leaped to her defense. He astutely noted that nothing begrimes a community more than a row of two-wheeled, people-powered, vehicles that eschew the fossil fuel that is the blood coursing through America’s oily veins. Colbert lamented what would become of our neighborhoods if the bicyclistas get their way:

“Now when you’re ambulating about the historic West Village, a gaudy blue rack of bikes will take away from the simple beauty of the Cherry Boxxx Discount Dildo Shop.”

Well said. That’s the way to stand up to these peddle-pushers who, like their comrades in the drug trade, are determined to make us all slaves to a perverse and anti-American lifestyle “choice.” And it’s only a matter of time before the bi-cycle Mafia slides down that slippery slope and openly advocates gay-cycle decadence that will rip apart the fabric of our culture.

Watch the video and prepare to be outraged.

GOP Calls For Impeachment Of President Hillary Clinton

Vowing to get an early start on efforts to remove Hillary Clinton from the White House, Republican leaders in congress have announced their intention to hold hearings on what they claim are the high crimes and misdemeanors that Hillary Clinton will commit once she assumes the presidency in January of 2017.

Hillary Clinton

Although she has not yet been sworn in to office (or elected, or announced her candidacy) Republicans are determined not waste any time in initiating her impeachment. House Speaker John Boehner told reporters that…

“We do not want to repeat the mistakes we made in the previous [i.e. current] administration where we waited too long to get the ball rolling. After all, President Obama was in office for nearly a month before we took meaningful action to remove him.”

Some members of the GOP attribute the failure to impeach Obama on the late start they got on manufacturing allegations of malfeasance and ginning up outrage over imaginary scandals. Consequently, they chased after flimsy accusations of foreign birth and socialist aspirations that never caught on with the public. That left them facing a reelection campaign dominated by impotent sound bites of whether or not small businesses “built that” and desperate rejections of real data including poll results and unemployment numbers. Republican strategist Karl Rove Rove addressed these shortcomings saying…

“We are proud of the fallacies we created and promoted. No one worked harder to invent phony issues than we did. Could we have done better? Should we have connected Obama to Hitler more often, or the spread of the Bubonic Plague? Sure, but it’s always easier to criticize with hindsight.”

This is not to say that there weren’t zealous attempts to plunder the Obama presidency. Republican politicians, with the help of Fox News and the Koch brothers, worked feverishly to construct controversies designed to hobble the administration. They labored over “Fast and Furious,” Solyndra, Bill Ayres, and ObamaCare, which they unsuccessfully took all the way to the Supreme Court. Each of these affairs, and several more, were alleged to be “Obama’s Watergate,” but none of them gained any traction with a populace that proved to be smarter than the Tea Party – admittedly, not a very high bar.

The latest episode for which conservative muckrakers are crying wolf (or Watergate, as the case may be) is the tragedy that took the lives of four Americans in Benghazi, Libya. However, even with the help of near blanket broadcasting of Benghazi hysteria by Fox News, the utter lack of any compelling evidence of wrongdoing has turned the whole affair into a mushy smear campaign notable only for the tacky theatrics of the accusers. Even the specter of a cover-up fell flat when the proponents of that theory could not explain what exactly was being covered-up. “We forgot that little detail,” said Rep. Jason Chaffetz (Tea Party-UT).

Rather than risk a similar fate in the event that Clinton runs for and wins the presidency in 2016, Republicans are casting their lots now. Since it doesn’t matter whether the object of their scorn has actually done anything unlawful, why wait until the former senator and Secretary of State is in office to try her for the crimes they are planning to pin on her no matter what reality ultimately serves up. It’s a strategy that they believe conserves a great deal of political energy that would otherwise be wasted on honest politicking and the responsible stewardship of government.

Senator Mitch McConnell, who declared shortly after Obama’s first election victory that his primary legislative goal was to “make him a one-term president,” is devoting the same measure of commitment to the effort to pre-impeach Clinton. In remarks to the GOP caucus last week he reminded his fellow Republicans that their priorities ought not to change just because the complexion and gender of the person in the White House does.

“We have spent five years obstructing everything this president has attempted to do, from passing bills, to appointing judges and cabinet officials. This is not the time to let our guard down and be distracted by the burdens of actually governing or helping the nation recover from adversity.”

Asked for a comment when Clinton was told of the Republican campaign to impeach her, she said incredulously “What the fuck?” And walked away laughing uncontrollably. Her office later followed up with this statement:

“We have always known that these clowns were certifiable, and now we are seeing some of the best evidence of that. The Secretary has not yet made a decision as to whether or not she will run for president, but if she does she expects to campaign vigorously and appeal to the hearts and minds of the American people. She also expects to face dipshits in the Republican Party who, with their pals at Fox News, will manufacture insane theories and conspiracies, and she plans to wipe up the pavement with their lame asses.”

Run Sarah, Run: Tea Party Trying To Draft Sarah Palin For Alaska Senate

This is the best news I’ve heard all year: Tea Party group hopes to draft Sarah Palin for Senate run in Alaska.

Sarah Palin

Where do I donate? Bringing back Palin to the campaign trail would be more fun than a barrel of Teabaggers. Her barely comprehensible English, her moronic mistakes, her persistent ignorance, her feverish hate-speech – all of these elements of her political style would combine to turn the election into comedy gold.

Never mind the fact that Palin doesn’t live in Alaska (her current residence is in Arizona). And set aside the polls that show her losing to the Democratic incumbent Mark Begich 54-38. Palin’s Tea Party appeal would thrust her into the loser’s circle with a boatload of mocking media.

Even if some unforeseen catastrophe occurred (i.e. Begich suffers a nervous breakdown and grows a Hitler mustache a week before the election) and Palin prevails, her presence on the senate floor would provide more laughs than America’s Funniest Home Videos. And we wouldn’t have to worry about her burdening the nation with idiotic legislation because she would likely resign after a couple of months when she finds out that she is required to do some work and the salary is under seven figures.

So here’s hoping that the Tea Party dimwits promoting her candidacy can lure her into the race. And let’s hope that the GOP throws buckets of cash into her campaign. As happy as I am that fringe characters like Allen West and Jim DeMint have been cast out of politics, it leaves a comedy void that is hard to fill. That’s why I’m counting on Palin to come to the rescue of political humorists everywhere and throw her asshat into the ring.

Reefer Madness 2: Bombed In Boston – How Marijuana Marred The Marathon

It didn’t take long for addled-brain conspiracy theories to bubble up from the primordial Tea-publican ooze following the Boston marathon bombing. There were the instantaneous accusations of Al Qaeda influences before the smoke cleared. Then came the allusions to Obama’s secret Islamic cabal to destroy America. That was followed by NRA freaks who were convinced that the whole thing was staged to trick Americans into abandoning their 2nd Amendment rights. And of course Glenn Beck muscled his way into the lunatic choir with hallucinatory ramblings of a third suspect who is being protected by the President.

Now all of these contenders for the Conspiracy Hall of Lame have to step back and pay tribute to the new frontrunner in the race for the deranged. Cliff Kincaid of Accuracy in Media has concocted a scheme that thrusts him to front of the pack. His hypothesis? It was marijuana what dood it, dude.

Reefer Madness

Kincaid unravels a blueprint for destruction that knits together his notion that the Tsarnaev boys were capable of constructing complicated explosive devices, even though they were hobbled by the evil weed’s rotting of their young brain cells. He noted that “The dope aspect of the plot helps explain why they seemed to have no getaway plan.” Nevertheless, Kincaid insists that the doobie brothers were unimpaired when it came to plotting mass murder.

“Left unsaid is the fact that dope’s effect on the brain is what may have led [Dzhokhar] into his brother’s terror activities. He was probably so wasted mentally on drugs that he became easily manipulated by his brother and cannon fodder for the Islamist revolution on American soil.

“What happened in Boston is starting to look like what Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn tried to accomplish with the 1960s generation. Disillusioned young people, brainwashed with illegal mind-altering drugs and armed with weapons, were being taught to hate the American government and the police.”

Wait a minute. I thought hating the American government and fretting about the police state was copyrighted by the Tea Party. Well, anyway…

Perhaps Kincaid did not go far enough into this line of thinking. Who’s to say that the bombing might not have been the result of a weekend of debauchery by a couple of stoners who took one trip too many? They may never have planned an attack at all, but were surprised when the pressure cooker they were using to prepare more munchies suddenly exploded on the way to the 7-11 where they hoped to acquire additional Doritos and salsa. They didn’t plant the devices on the crowded street, they simply forgot where they had left them.

In conclusion, Kincaid spells out how dangerous the happy herb is and how the media conspires to suppress the truth. He specifically cites its power to radicalize weakened blazers both politically and spiritually.

“Marijuana is not the harmless drug the media frequently claim it to be. It is a mind-altering substance that can play a role in creating communist or Islamic terrorists.”

So now marijuana is a tool of both the red menace and the global Caliphate. If I didn’t know better, I’d say Kincaid is nursing a righteous buzz.

Adopt A Wingnut: Buy A Copy Of ‘Fox Nation vs. Reality’ For Your Favorite FoxPod

Hating BreitbartEarlier this week News Corpse reported that the desperate producers of the crocumentary “Hating Breitbart” had embarked on a program to convince their fans to buy multiple copies of the DVD and send them to liberal politicians, journalists, actors, etc. We regarded this idea as a hilarious and transparent ploy to salvage their failed film and we set about to mocking it. As I wrote last Tuesday…

“The producers must be stuck with a warehouse of these paperweights and believe that their fans are dumb enough to bail them out by buying more. […] Wouldn’t it just be easier to double the price and tell them the proceeds are going to Jesus?”

Well, I may have spoken too soon. After marathon conferences with our marketing executives and promotion consultants, we at News Corpse have determined that this sort of sales methodology has the potential to enhance the commercial prospects of our own already successful ebook “Fox Nation vs. Reality.” So today we are launching a version of the “Adopt A Wingnut” program that enables our enlightened audience to spread some of the truth and insight developed here to the community of deluded Fox Zombies who need it most. It’s a simple 3-step plan that everyone can join in on.

Step One

If you have not already purchased a copy of Fox Nation vs. Reality, do so immediately. It is an amusing and informative expose of the most brazenly dishonest efforts by Fox News to deceive their gullible fans.

Step Two

Buy another copy of Fox Nation vs. Reality for an unfortunate friend or family member whose thinking has been clouded by the disinformation served up by Fox News. You can also buy copies for politicians, journalists, actors, teachers, professional colleagues, climate science deniers, Tea Partiers, bible thumpers, you name it. Be creative. Amazon makes it easy for you to designate the purchase as a gift and send the gift notice to the recipient.

Step Three

Repeat Step Two as many times as necessary to complete your own list of needy neo-cons, theo-cons, and just plain cons (or until there is world peace and an end to hunger, whichever comes first).

Through this generous initiative we can have a real impact on the destructive propaganda that emanates from Fox News. The power of the human attributes of charity combined with effective social media can change the world and you can be a part of it. This is not some pipe dream cooked up by naive optimists. A check on Amazon today shows that Fox Nation vs. Reality is already ranking higher in sales than Breitbart’s autobiography, Righteous Indignation

  • Fox Nation vs. Reality: Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #28,086
  • Righteous Indignation: Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #32,624
  • (Note; these numbers seem to change by the minute, but these are the actual figures as of this writing. Also, while 28,086 seems like a high number, it is out of more than 1.3 million books. That puts it in the top three percentile.)

FNvR vs Breitbart

It is time to stand up and be counted. It is time to take positive steps toward a better world. It is time to lend a hand to the less fortunate. Just think about how badly these poor souls need the nourishment of honesty and truth. And try to imagine how much more compassionate and rational our world will be when we have eradicated the ignorance and hostility that is emblematic of the righteous-wing of the American political spectrum.

This is a moral crusade and it needs your participation to succeed. I know I can count on you. And as always, thanks for your dedication and benevolence. Your purchases will help News Corpse to continue to bring you the best in media analysis, conservative smackdowns, and political humor and art.

Pope Emeritus Benedict Joins Fox News: ‘Pope Culture’ To Debut In The Fall

For the first time in 600 years there is a living former Pope. However, Pope Emeritus Benedict does not plan to retire quietly to the Vatican’s back porch and tend to gardening and meditation. He has other plans and they are leaking out along with a wisp of white smoke from the chimney atop 1211 Avenue of the Americas.

Fox News insiders report that a deal has been reached to bring Benedict to the Fox News family with a new program to air on Sunday mornings. Tentatively titled “Pope Culture,” sources say that it will premiere this fall and is slated to be a forum for many of the values issues that dominate the dialogue in the media and at dinner tables across America.

Pope Culture

Discussions to draft the papal free agent began shortly after the selection of Pope Francis, Benedict’s successor. Those meetings were helped along by some influential Vatican insiders with media connections. Greg Burke, the current Senior Communications Adviser in the Vatican’s Secretariat of State, was previously the Fox News correspondent covering the Vatican, a position he held for ten years. Burke, a member of the ultra-conservative Catholic prelate Opus Dei, left Fox in the summer of 2012 to head up the Vatican’s PR efforts to quell the uproar over a series of embarrassing scandals.

Burke was instrumental in introducing Benedict to Fox CEO Roger Ailes who was immediately intrigued by the prospect of signing a popular figure in the world of religion with international name recognition. Ailes was said to be looking for a new hot property to bolster a stale line-up that was recently roiled by controversy and incompetence. This year he had to jettison or bench familiar Fox faces like Sarah Palin, Karl Rove, and Dick Morris, due to their humiliating failures as commentators and analysts. Since God has anointed Benedict as infallible, Ailes can relax and won’t have to worry about the sort of mistakes that caused his network to suffer historic declines in ratings and credibility.

Sources inside Fox, who requested anonymity because they were not authorized to speak about the matter, said that contract negotiations included some unique concessions. The show would not be modeled after the other Sunday news programs that feature sometimes raucous debates. Benedict insisted that his program be a more deliberative hour interspersed with inspirational segments and profiles of charitable organizations and volunteer opportunities. The theme of promoting “service” was said to have been brought up repeatedly by Benedict’s representatives. They briefly encountered some resistance at Fox by hardliners who regard such talk as coddling freeloaders who refuse to accept personal responsibility. In the end, Benedict prevailed by agreeing that the type of service that he advocated was of the private variety and not that provided by bloated government agencies. That was enough to win over the Fox holdouts.

Benedict further requested and received assurances that he would have editorial control and would not be subject to either fairness or balance with regard to his topics or guests, a demand Ailes had no problem with since he never took that seriously anyway. There is also a provision for Fox to build a TV studio at Benedict’s residence which, sources say, will be accomplished on the cheap by repossessing the one they built for Sarah Palin at her home in Wasilla, Alaska. As of this writing there is no confirmation of rumors regarding the brown M&Ms.

When Benedict arrives at Fox in the fall he will be joining a roster already heavily weighted with Roman-Catholics, including: Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Megyn Kelly, Bret Baier, Bill Hemmer, Brian Kilmeade, Andrew Napolitano, Jeanine Pirro, Laura Ingraham, Dennis Kucinich, and the in-house priest, Father Jonathan Morris. Rupert Murdoch, the CEO of Fox News parent News Corp was himself inducted into the “Knights of the Order of Saint Gregory the Great” by Pope John Paul II.

Pray for Fox NewsSo Benedict ought to feel right at home in the midst of a College of (Media) Cardinals. His prior experience as spokesman for a vast assembly of true believers is the ideal preparation for a career as a Fox minister. Fox viewers exhibit a fierce loyalty that is consistent with the behavior of religious devotees and cults. They voluntarily separate themselves from the heresy of other news sources that might infect their pious souls. They make a point of disassociating with apostates and blasphemers who might divert them from the true path. Cult leaders demand strict obedience, and that is precisely what Fox News gets from their disciples. They even have an adjunct site, Fox Nation [see Fox Nation vs. Reality], that implores its adherents to “Join Us” with the promise that they will never be alone – a promise that is familiar to churchgoers.

Fox Nation - Join

The pairing of Fox and Benedict appears to be almost preordained. They have striking similarities in their principles and agendas. And at the root of their shared mission is the fact that they are both trying to sell stories on faith to ill-informed people who are motivated by fear. This relationship has the potential to be beneficial for everyone involved and is being greeted with unanimous approval from the Fox hierarchy. Oh Happy Day.

Let’s Get Ready To CRUMBLE: Glenn Beck Ducks WWE Challenge

Glenn Beck and professional wrestling. Who could have imagined a collision between these two disparate media phenomenons?

After all, one of them is perhaps the most notorious entertainment spectacle of the last fifty years and involves a highly choreographed production of television broadcasts that purport to be genuine, but are in fact as phony as Bigfoot’s Snake Oil Elixir. Nevertheless, it hooked a surprisingly large audience of gullible viewers starved for over-the-top melodrama and sweaty, wild-eyed brawls.

And the other one is professional wrestling.

Indeed, Glenn Beck’s Acute Paranoia Revue and Holy Huckster Sideshow seems like the perfect match up with pro wrestling. They are both so divinely cartoonish and dripping with cheap theatrics that it’s a wonder someone hadn’t thought of it sooner. But Sadly, it’s not to be.

Glenn Beck Wimped Out

After the WWE debuted a couple of characters modeled after Tea Party wackos, Beck bounded into the proverbial ring to slam the sham Teabaggers and the horse they rode in on. That horse, by the way, was the property of two-time Teapublican senate loser, and WWE’s owner, Linda McMahon. Clearly this is not an organization run by Obama functionaries or progressive rabble.

Dimwitted wrestler Jack Swagger and his hillbilly manager Zeb Colter were a pretty accurate representation of the rednecks who mindlessly spew patriotic jargon and blame all their failures on minorities. But Beck wasn’t having it. He declared that he was sick and tired of being miscast and wasn’t about to allow these twits to besmirch the image of his precious Tea Party. With classic WWE bravado Beck taunted his nemeses saying…

“I can take it from a lot of people. I really can. I can’t take it from the stupid wrestling people.”

You can almost imagine him center-ring, yelling that into a microphone hanging from the ceiling. This is the Beck who has called himself a rodeo clown and just last month said that he considers what he does to be “like circus performer art.” Having thrown down the gauntlet, the ball was now in the court of the wrestling duo. So Swagger and Colter struck back inviting Beck to appear on their show and defend the honor (such as it is) of “We the Teaple.” In a video challenge they said…

“You know, Glenn, many of your followers are WWE fans and they understand the difference between reality and entertainment. Are you so out of touch with your own audience, Glenn, or are you just a ‘stupid’ political commentator.”

They were obviously giving Beck’s fans more credit than they deserved with regard to their alleged understanding of reality. But they were also giving Beck a sterling opportunity to address the millions of WWE viewers (10 times more than any audience Beck ever had), and explain why Swagger’s character offended him. But rather than meet his opponents in the ring, Beck pulled the covers up over his head and tweeted that he is “currently booked doing anything else.”

It’s inevitable that big-mouths like Beck reveal themselves to be cowards. But this exceeds all boundaries of wimposity. Beck is trembling before fictional foes. It would be one thing if Beck was afraid to debate Rachel Maddow or Bill Maher, experienced communicators who have obvious intelligence and wit. But to shrink from facing off with a fake adversary on a scripted television farce demonstrates just how paper thin Beck’s veneer of bombast really is.

So F**cking What? Obama’s Clandestine Conspiracy To Go Golfing

With everything going on in the world today, much of the right-wing media has decided to make a federal case of President Obama playing golf with Tiger Woods and not permitting the media to tag along.

Fox News

How dare the White House shut the media out of Obama’s private time with a golf pro. What are they plotting? Is Woods giving the President advice on how to nail porn stars? Is Obama recruiting Woods to run the FEMA golf courses where wealthy conservatives will be incarcerated?

So F**king What?

Fox News White House correspondent Ed Henry bitterly complained that “There is a very simple but important principle we will continue to fight for today and in the days ahead: transparency.” Henry’s devotion to hard-nosed journalism is admirable. He’s just the sort of uncompromising reporter who will expose the next Kardashian scandal.

And while we’re on that subject, Henry’s Fox News colleague, Charles Krauthammer, doesn’t concur with Henry’s assessment of the important principle here. When Krauthammer was asked about this breaking news he said “If the guy wants to play golf, the guy deserves a couple of days off. He wants privacy? Big deal… This is the biggest non-story the media have created since the Kardashian weddings.” The only thing Krauthammer missed was that the media responsible for creating this non-story was the one that pays his salary.

Fox News Accidentally Posts – Then Deletes – Lesbian Wedding Photo

The traditionalists at Fox News, who still think that women should be subservient to the men in their lives, have been publishing a series of articles by contra-feminist Suzanne Venker (niece of Phyllis Schlafly). Her basic premise is that modern women are worse off because of feminists butting in and fighting for trivialities like voting and equal pay and freedom from discrimination and violence. Venker blames feminists for what she believes is the inability of today’s women to land a husband (which is, of course, their sole reason for living).

From the start the articles were ripped apart by saner voices who respect the right of women to fully realize their potential in an equal society. But in the latest chapter, Fox News accompanied the article with a photograph meant to illustrate the joys of traditional marriage. The only problem is that the photo selected by Fox was one of two women celebrating their marriage – that’s right – to each other.

Fox News Lesbians

After a flurry of well-deserved mockery in the press and social media, Fox has now removed the photo of the joyful lesbian couple. Apparently the sight of wedded bliss between members of the same sex was too much for their sheltered audience. However, their choice for a replacement photo is just as worthy of mockery. Instead of a picture portraying the happiness of a loving embrace, they now have a generic symbol of neutered clip art figures safely not touching each other. That is surely an improvement to convey the article’s message of happiness through inequality.

Could Stephen Colbert Join Al Franken To Form A Senate Comic Caucus?

Stephen Colbert - Al FrankenPublic Policy Polling has just released a new survey of South Carolina residents on who they would prefer as the replacement for Sen. Jim DeMint, who is leaving the senate to head the conservative Heritage Foundation.

Among those included in the speculation are long-time state pols like former governor Mark Sanford, his ex-wife Jenny Sanford, congressmen Tim Scott, Joe Wilson, and Trey Gowdy, and GOP official Henry McMaster. All of these folks would be conventional picks for Governor Nikki Haley, whose responsibility it is to appoint DeMint’s successor.

But leading the pack is Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert, a South Carolina native and former candidate for President of the United States of South Carolina. According to PPP…

“Colbert tops the wish list of who South Carolina voters would like to see join that body at 20%, followed by Tim Scott at 15%, Trey Gowdy at 14%, Jenny Sanford at 11%, Henry McMaster and Mark Sanford at 8%, Jeff Duncan and Joe Wilson at 5%, and Mick Mulvaney at 4%.”

This could send shock waves through the political world. Colbert has a hefty campaign war chest via his Super PAC that has nearly a million dollars left over from the presidential campaign. He has a devoted following that is nationwide in scope, and a platform for expressing his views on his television show, which gets a bigger audience than Fox News. He has testified before congress on labor issues. He delivered an epic speech before the White House Correspondents He has won two Peabody Awards. However, he also has powerful enemies. Nancy Pelosi launched the Stop Colbert campaign earlier this year:

Yet to be heard from is Minnesota senator Al Franken. The two have a common background and could form a coalition in the senate to advance legislation favorable to political satirists. A “Comic Caucus” in Washington could be a significant counterweight to the other congregation of politi-clowns, the Tea Party.

Neither Colbert nor Gov. Haley have given any indication of their intentions. For Colbert the decision has to include consideration of the fact that a seat in the senate would be a demotion for him. He has far more influence where he is now, although he could earn more money taking kickbacks from lobbyists who would eventually provide him with a multimillion dollar job when he tires of the senate, just as Sen. DeMint has done.

Fake Study Gets It Right: Says Fox News Viewers Have A Lower IQ Than Average Americans

A press release was published this morning on Yahoo! News with a provocative headline declaring that an “Intelligence Institute Study shows Fox News viewers have an IQ that is 20 points lower than the U.S. National average.” The article went on to assert that “Americans who watch Fox News have an average IQ of 80.”

Idiot Fox NewsThe underlying conclusions of this “study” are affirmed by research conducted by a number of reputable organizations including the University of Maryland, NBC/Wall Street Journal, and the Sunlight Foundation. Unfortunately, this study, and the “Intelligence Institute,” appear to be figments of some prankster’s imagination. There is no evidence that the institute exists and the sole source for the Yahoo! item is a press release that contains no verifiable identifying data.

Nevertheless, the perpetrator of this hoax seems to have a solid grasp on the cognitive capacity of Fox News viewers even if no study was conducted to document it. As noted above, plenty of other real studies arrived at the same conclusions. Here are some key “findings” by the imaginary Intelligence Institute:

The results of a 4 year study show that Americans who obtain their news from Fox News channel have an average IQ of 80, which represents a 20 point deficit when compared to the U.S. national average of 100.

One test involved showing subjects a series of images and measuring their vitals, namely pulse rate and blood pressure. The self-identified conservatives’ vitals increased over 35% when shown complex or shocking images. The image that caused the most stress was a poorly edited picture of President Obama standing next to a “ghostly” image of a child holding a tarantula.

Lead researcher, P. Nichols, explains, “Less intelligent animals rely on instinct when confronted by something which they do not understand. This is an ancient survival reaction all animals, including humans, exhibit. It’s a very simple phenomenon, really; think about a dog being afraid of a vacuum cleaner. He doesn’t know what a vacuum is or if it may harm him, so he becomes agitated and barks at it. Less intelligent humans do the same thing. Concepts that are too complex for them to understand, may frighten or anger them.” He continues, “Fox News’ content is presented at an elementary school level and plays directly into the fears of the less educated and less intelligent.”

The allegation that Fox News exploits their audience’s tendency to voraciously consume absurdly spun tales driven by fear has been documented by researchers at the University College London Institute of Cognitive Neuroscience (and yes, that’s real). Conservatives regularly demonstrate their proclivity for barking at the outrageous falsehoods proffered by Fox and other conservative fabulists. Among the university’s findings were that the brains of conservatives are more likely to have an enlarged amygdala which is associated with greater inflexibility, emotion, and fear response. This could account for conservatives having a greater susceptibility to conspiracy models of thinking as evidenced by this collection of right-wing crackpottery.

The editors at Yahoo! may have been fooled by this phony press release, but the bigger fools are those who watch and believe the certifiable nonsense that is broadcast every day on Fox News. It is difficult to ascertain whether watching Fox News actually makes the viewer stupid, or if stupid people are attracted to Fox News in the first place. Either way, neither Fox nor their audience should be taken as seriously as Yahoo! took this press release.

[Update:} The Huffington Post contacted the “PR guru” who is responsible for the phony press release. He admits that much of what is in the release is false, but maintains that a study of some sort was actually conducted. I doubt it. The misstatements to which he admits pretty much kill his credibility, and his alternate explanations are no more believable than his original BS. It is nonetheless, pretty funny. And none of the dubious claims from this huckster diminish the bona fide studies cited above.

FoxBlocked: What Becomes Of The Fox News Rejects?

Yesterday the news broke that Karl Rove and Dick Morris were being designated pundit-non-grata, at least temporarily, by Fox News CEO Roger Ailes. Apparently even a rabidly biased cable network known as the PR division of the GOP can tire of analysts who rarely get anything right.

Fox Blocked: Rove and Morris

I feel for the poor Fox viewers who are now going to miss out on the monumentally idiotic assessments and predictions by this pair of hacks. With important policy debates on the “fiscal cliff,” new cabinet appointments, immigration, Syria, etc., on the agenda, Fox viewers will be deprived of the insights that have made them so stupefyingly ignorant so long.

But I also wonder what will become of Rove and Morris. Their colleague, Rick Santorum, has already been reduced to joining WorldNetDaily, (aka Birther Central) as a columnist. Neither Rove nor Morris has commented publicly on the curb-stomping they just suffered. But I can’t help but feel that the worst part of this humiliation is that while Ailes dismissed them, he kept Sarah Palin and Donald Trump. How do they console themselves knowing that their commentaries were deemed unsuitable going forward, but Palin’s word salad jumbles, and Trump’s ego-soaked dementia, will continue to get broadcast? OUCH!

No doubt Rove will find a way to self-finance his media presence with funds misappropriated from his Super PAC. And Morris is still posting his vodcasts on his own web site for the willfully dumb and the aficionados of toe-sucking. But somehow, it just won’t be the same without their access to the vast audience of glassy-eyed Fox disciples (which is actually only about 1% of the population). At least we’ll still have Palin and Trump, and Limbaugh and Nugent and Hannity and, maybe, if we’re really, really good, Fox will hire Allen West and give us all something to brighten our holiday.

Glenn Beck Dunks American Flag (And Obama) In “Urine”

This may be one of the most asinine stunts Glenn Beck has ever engaged in. Apparently he was mocking an art exhibit that featured a painting of President Obama with his arms outstretched and a wearing a crown of thorns. That’s not a particularly original concept as I did a similar work years ago featuring Beck:

Glenn Beck Messiah

When I did my artwork portraying Beck as a Messianic figure it was in response to Beck’s own behavior and his wailing about being the subject of attacks. He wept and hollered and whined that he was being persecuted. Obama has never done any of those things.

Beck’s lame attempt at satirizing Serrano’s “Piss Christ” was really just a big waste of time – which makes it no different than anything else Beck does. On this occasion he dropped a toy Obama doll into what he said was a jar of his own urine. Beck asserted that he was only defending the First Amendment’s protection of freedom of expression, but there was really nothing of substance that he had to say about either the artwork or the Constitution. He just seemed to be getting an excessive amount of personal pleasure from his childish prank that was really nothing more than a desperate attempt to get publicity.

Glenn Beck Urine

The pretend artwork that Beck introduced in his pretend French accent was placed up for auction on eBay and generated bids in excess of $11,000 before eBay removed it. That says something about what his followers find valuable. What he seemed to have missed entirely, however, was that he was also submerging an American flag in the jar of pee. How patriotic of him.

And there was more craziness emanating from Beck yesterday. He delivered a sermon about his search for a plan to save the world. It was a disturbing display of a psychosis that should be troubling to anyone concerned about his mental health. In the course of the sermon he lamented that God was trying to tell him what he should do, but there was just so much that he was overwhelmed.

How can one guy with a video blog reform politics, culture, the economy, education, family, media, and the faith of a nation? Beck looked into the camera and lamented that he had no idea of how to do all of this – yet. But he was getting close to figuring it out. And he had diagrammed his draft of the solution on a giant chalkboard. But it looked like the scribblings of someone in the midst of a schizophrenic seizure, or peaking on LSD, or both.

Glenn Beck Chalk Wall

Seriously, this dude needs help. It’s really too bad that the people in his life are too dependent on his cash generation to intervene and get him into therapy. When he goes off it is going to be messy.