On today’s episode of “Who The F**k Cares What Glenn Beck Thinks,” we find our anti-hero testifying about his recent holy encounter that resulted in a bona fide miracle. Unfortunately, Beck will not reveal the nature of his divine experience, saying only that…
“Someday I’ll tell you about it – about a full-fledged miracle that happened – that I can tell you that God exists. […] Is there any other explanation other than God?”
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Apparently Beck expects us to accept that there is no explanation other than God without knowing what the hell he’s talking about. But if it’s anything like the miracle he claimed at his revival meeting in Washington, D.C. a few years ago, there might be another explanation. At that sacred gathering of the faithful a flock of geese flew overhead. That’s right! Just flying right there in the air. Which I suppose could be considered a miracle if you thought geese were pigs and flying was only possible for angels with harps.
Setting aside the mystery miracle, Glenn went on to explain why he believes that he is not the target of constant vitriol from the Obama administration. He actually seemed to be bitterly disappointed that the minions of evil in the White House were neglecting to harass him. But he was not short of an explanation for it:
“I really think one reason why the Obama administration has generally left us alone since we left Fox – now maybe it’s because we are irrelevant.”
That would be my first guess, but it’s just a launching pad for Beck’s hysteria:
“I have another opinion. These people know who Martin Luther King is. They know who Dietrich Bonhoeffer is. And they know you screw with somebody who is willing to die for what they believe in – is not gonna shut up – go ahead. You know who Nelson Madela is. Imprison me. Go ahead, imprison me. I will not sit down. I will not shut up. I won’t. I will not conform. I will not comply. Period.”
Now as close as I can figure, Beck believes that Obama is ignoring him because Beck is so much like Dr. King and/or Nelson Mandela. The similarities are obvious if you take enough psychoactive drugs. And Beck’s furious taunting that he be imprisoned because of his unwillingness to shut up begs the question, “Who asked you to shut up?” Beck is deliriously adamant that he will never sit down or shut up no matter how much no one is asking him to. It’s kind of like promising the Moon that you’ll stop shooting arrows at it. The Moon doesn’t know you’re doing it and wouldn’t care if it did. Likewise, no one has threatened to imprison Beck. As much as he seems to require incarceration in a locked rubber room, that is not something that anyone is pursuing. It is, however, characteristic of an acute paranoid persecution complex.
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Nevertheless, Beck has figured out that these are the reasons that Obama is leaving him alone. And it’s a good thing, too. Because if the White House were foolish enough to go after Beck, there would be a torrent of retribution raining down on the Kenyan demon. As Beck describes it…
“If I may quote Obi Wan, ‘Strike me down. Strike me down. I will become far more powerful than you can imagine.'”
Well, that oughta scare off the Empire’s Storm Troopers in Washington. The thought of Beck transforming into an omnipotent Jedi Master so that he can vanquish his political enemies will keep the Dark Side in check. But it’s a little confusing at this point because Beck has so far proclaimed that he is the living incarnation of Dr. King, Nelson Mandela, and Obi Wan Kenobi, fighting a battle that only exists in his rapidly decomposing brain.
For your entertainment pleasure…