The Conservative Political Action Conference will open tomorrow in Washington, D.C. and it promises to be totally off the hook. For those unable to attend, you might like to hear a bit about what you’ll be missing. Fox News provided this account of the festivities that, this year, will be making a special appeal to young conservatives.

“In a bid to make conservative chic, organizers of the annual meet-up of Republican Party faithful and right-wing firebrands are taking pains this year to gear their summit toward students and the under-30 crowd. Added to the menu are a slew of new media workshops and an entertainment lineup befitting a college campus.”

So what constitutes “chic” to these rightist party planners?

“The XPAC Lounge – a room one organizer dubbed the ‘hub of fun.’ That’s where the video games and the junk food will be.”

Well, if the video games and junk food will be there, then so will every young Tea Bagger in America. XPAC (Xtreme Politically Active Conservatives) is a CPAC spinoff created to appeal to America’s youth, whom Glenn Beck regards as useful idiots. That view is apparently shared by XPAC as demonstrated by their obvious contempt for young people. There is a presumption from this crowd that all kids care about is Wii, Xbox and Guitar Hero and, of course, Pizza, Cheetohs, and beer. They certainly aren’t interested in mundane pursuits like economics, foreign affairs, health care, education, etc. XPAC actually promotes their sideshow (which costs $20.00 on top of the conference registration) as…

“…a place to hang while the older crowd attends the high-priced nightly dinners.”

So it’s the kiddie table. And what about that “entertainment lineup befitting a college campus?” Did they snag Cage the Elephant or Dane Clark? Nope. Try Ann Coulter, Michael Steele and the Young Cons, a couple of white, Christians in business suits trying to rap. And then there was this enticing news from CPAC spokesman Ian Walters:

“I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody of Joe the Plumber stature came in three times a day to come in and rally the kids.”

Seriously? Stature? All the kids I know would be having fits if they thought they might be within arms reach of Joey the P. He’s so dreamy. And add to this roster of stars
ACORN-busting hooker and Fox News porn star, Hannah Giles. She and her pimp, James O’Keefe, will be receiving the “1st Annual XPAC Award for Impact.” But O’Keefe first has to get his parole officer’s permission in order to attend, as he was arrested in a senator’s office recently on potential felony charges. Now that’s impact. Giles will be introducing the pair’s mentor, Andrew Breitbart for the morning keynote disinformation.

Organizers are anxious to attract more young conservatives who, they say, are are “proving more adept at using new media.” They say that the conference agenda reflects that “fact” because it includes workshops and sessions on blogging and using Twitter. The obvious question is, if they are already more adept, then why do they need these workshops?

In addition to the must-see lineup above, you won’t want to miss Tom Tancredo, fresh from the Tea Baggers convention where he proposed reinstating literacy tests for voting and other racist Jim Crow-era atrocities. Gary Kreep will be on hand for the Birther contingent. Kreep was the lead council for Birther activist, “Rev.” Wiley Drake, who was also notable for his encouragement of prayers for the death of President Obama. Kreep is also the proprietor of the DefendGlenn web site that was a response to the wildly successful advertiser boycott of Beck’s show on Fox. And speaking of Beck, he will be giving the closing keynote speech on Saturday night to tie together all of the racism, birtherism, secessionism, militarism, and assorted propaganda that was dispensed throughout the conference. That’ll be the time to really get your paranoia on.

Prospective Republican presidential hopefuls Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Tim Pawlenty, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum, will all be attending. The only one missing is Sarah Palin, who declined to attend in favor of the Tea Bagging in Nashville. Although why she could not do both is a mystery. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the Tea Baggers paid her a hundred grand and the CPACers offered her zilch. Appearing under those circumstances is just not the American way.