Fox News Investigates The ObamaCare Website Girl: An Al Qaeda Seductress?

The intrepid Fox News investigative team is well known for relentlessly pursuing stories that are vital to the welfare of the American people. Some recent examples include the new “girly” caps for the U.S. Marines, Fox’s “Psycho” analyst’s diagnosis of Obama’s “victim” mentality, government-supplied, free “Obama Cars,” and of course, endless misrepresentations of the Affordable Care Act (aka ObamaCare) as costly and unworkable.

Now the crack journalists at Fox are going beyond their standard Kenyan Marxist Muslim beat to expose a government secret on which rests the fate of every American. The top headline story of Fox’s website reveals their probe into the tightly guarded identity of “Adriana,” the ObamaCare Website Girl.

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Who is That Girl, indeed. It is about time that the administration cease its stonewalling and practice the transparency for which they boast. The nation’s security depends on an open government that tells the truth about critical matters that affect the lives and safety of its citizens. Without such candor we cannot know whether this anonymous woman is an innocent fashion model or the evil seductress of an Al Qaeda sleeper cell.

Fox has assigned Jana Winter, the reporter who is still in legal hot water for violating a judge’s court order in the case of the Aurora movie theater massacre. She is now reporting that Fox News is devoting substantial resources to this controversy. According to Winter, finding the mysterious Adriana is a top priority for Fox who “have combed the contact sheets of stock photo agencies, scoured social media and squinted at group shots of Democratic operatives, all to no avail.”

Winter’s efforts thus far have unearthed important observations such as an obviously expert analysis, by somebody on Twitter, that this may be the “worst modeling gig ever.” She also noted the explosion of public concern as evidenced by the emergence of an ObamacareGirl Twitter account that has already amassed thirty-three followers. Despite these hot scoops, Winter is still stumped as to the crux of the confounding riddles in this governmental enigma. She is pleading with readers for any information that could lead to the true identity of Adriana and asking them to send tips to the news manager at Fox News. Feel free to help out by sending your own leads to that email address. For instance, if you think you saw her at a Starbucks in Oshkosh, or if she resembles your niece who takes tickets at the local Bijou Theater, be sure to notify Fox News immediately.

The only official comment Winter was able to wrest from the administration was a typically evasive statement from Richard Olague, a spokesman for the Centers for Medicaid and Medicare Services, who said that…

“The woman featured on the website signed a release for us to use the photo, but to protect her privacy, we will not share her personal or contact info with anyone.”

Unconfirmed reports are circulating around the Capitol that Darrell Issa, the chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, is clearing his calendar to make room for hearings and will issue subpenas for testimony and documents if the administration is not forthcoming. His current schedule of scandal inquisitions involving Benghazi, the IRS, the NSA, Benghazi, the shutdown’s closure of national parks, Fast & Furious, Solyndra, the Associated Press, Benghazi, and most recently, the ObamaCare website glitches, will be temporarily set aside so that he can concentrate on getting to the bottom of the Adriana affair.

ObamaCare GirlRecognizing the importance of this investigation, Fox News has also escalated it to top tier status by making it the featured headline on their web home page. With all of the issues facing the country – the economy, unemployment, immigration, national security, etc. – it is encouraging that at least one segment of the mainstream media has its priorities in order.

[Update: 1028/2013] After this shocking expose, the ObamaCare Girl has now gone missing. Her likeness has been removed from the Healthcare.gov website and her whereabouts are unknown. If you see her, please contact Fox News immediately.

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10 thoughts on “Fox News Investigates The ObamaCare Website Girl: An Al Qaeda Seductress?

  1. Anything but actual news at Fox! How do they get away with calling themselves a news organization? I’m afraid this new kind of journalism Fox has been practicing, since its’ inception, is here to stay. However, I feel Fox is becoming less relevant all the time, just like the Republican party, at least on a national scale. Well over half of the American people are on to what Fox is and this is true, especially among the younger demographic. Something that does not bode well for Fox, in the long run.

  2. She’s cute. So, is Fox looking for someone else Hannity can help fire from the evil communist nazi fascist Kenyan native from Australia’s evil socialist healthcare system?

  3. I’m so glad to hear that the protector of freeeeduuuum and libuuurty, Darrell Issa might get involved. Who else can we trust to get to the bottom of all these scandalous scandals by wasting taxpayers money to expose all these scandalous scandals by the Marxist, fascist, Kenyan, communist, black scoundrel?

    Hell, Pres Obama is probably having a scandalous affair with her just to hide their diabolical plan to, ah…um, do something, uh…diabolical. Yeah, that’s it. We better watch out!!! And fox is going to bring it to us, fact free as usual.

    Because, you know, BENGHAZI!!!!!

  4. Just got done reading the story on FNC’s website. Once again, we have discovered that Mark is pulling things out of his backside. Nowhere in the story is anybody claiming she is an Alqaeda seductress or anything else.

    Mark also left out that Fox News is not the only news outlet running a story about who is the mystery woman in this stock photo. CNN, USA Today and Buzzfeed have all done stories as well. And you don’t hear Mark saying that these outlets are hyperventilating about this woman, do you?

    • Gawd you’re stupid. And this comment is hilariously embarrassing. Thanks for the laugh.

      • Hell, I’m shocked, shocked I say, that fox hasn’t already linked to your post as evidence of Obama using her as a terrorist operative to lie about Obamacare. (Unless they’re afraid some of their brain dead viewers might actually read the post).

    • Obviously the Al Qaeda Seductress line was meant as Satire (still I think that it needn’t be in the headline), that kinda flew over your head. Also the fact that other networks mentioned it and Mark didn’t talk about them? He never said that Fox was the only one anyway.

      The main point is why the fuck is the media even doing this? What’s so important about investigating someone whose face appeared on the ACA website?

      • Actually, the reason I didn’t mention other media is that Fox is the only one that featured this story as their top headline (that graphic was grabbed from their website (minus Marlo Thomas). The others presented it as a goofy little throw away – as it should be.

    • I am smarter than you will ever hope to be in your entire life.

      • I understand optimism is a good thing…

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