PRESS RELEASE: Al Qaeda Opens Office In Washington After Supreme Court Ruling

The consequences of last week’s ruling by the Supreme Court are becoming more noticeable as corporations move to interpret and exploit the new environment for political engagement. Some surprising players are jumping into the game now that the restrictions from funding electoral activities have been removed. Take, for example, this press release from from Al Qaeda:

Press Release: The United States Supreme Court opens the door for greater expansion of commerce, civic participation, and freedom of speech. Al Qaeda International, Inc. and it’s worldwide affiliates applaud this decision and look forward to engaging more with the American infidels people.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Parachinar, Pakistan, January 25, 2010, Al QaedAmerica, Inc.

The executive committee of Al Qaeda International (AQI) is enthusiastically supportive of the recent United States Supreme Court decision in the case of Citizens United vs. Federal Election Commission. In a narrowly argued case involving political advertising, the Court wisely expanded the scope of their deliberations and ruled 5 to 4 that almost all legal proscriptions on corporate spending on behalf of candidates and issue advocacy were null and void. The prohibition on direct corporate condtributions to candidates will remain in place, but virtually every other spending constraint has been struck down.

In light of this ruling, AQI is announcing the creation of a new corporation to be headquarted in Washington, D.C. USA. Al QaedAmerica will pursue the domestic interests of AQI and invest in businesses that are in accordance with our mission and reflect the broader principles of our worldwide campaign of terror. AQI’s chairman, Osama Bin Laden, appreciates the Court’s good judgment:

Bin Laden: By allowing corporations unlimited financial participation in American politics, the Court recognizes the role of business to impact the civil affairs of a nation. And businesses like ours are uniquely situated to take full advantage of this new expansion of rights in the areas of speech and elections.

The ruling actually gives corporations far greater sway over public management than individual citizens because of the superior ability of corporations to aggregate large sums of money and disburse it effectively to accommodating representatives. Domestic businesses as diverse as Halliburton and Wal-Mart are already planning how they will take advantage of the new freedoms afforded them by this ruling.

While it may not have been the intent of the Court, the ruling in no way inhibits corporations from outside of the U.S. to participate in the same manner as domestic corporations. This presents an attractive opportunity to AQI and many other disruptive enterprises who seek to exploit the American marketplace. Petroleum companies like Saudi Arabia’s Aramco and Venezuala’s Citgo, as well as defense contractors like Korea’s Daewoo and Russia’s Motovilikha, will have ufettered access to the American political system. Corporations around the globe now have the freedom to purchase their own congressmen and senators.All that’s required is a local office through which they can funnel millions of dollars into the pockets of the Great Satan’s political class.

AQI is moving forward aggressively to realize the benefits of this opportunity by establishing its new Al QaedAmerica division. With AQA we will be able to stay at the forefront of global jihad. We take pride in being the world’s premiere provider of senseless violence and murder, and this ruling will permit us to expand into exciting new territories and partnerships. Some examples of compatible business relationships and opportunities we are presently exploring include:

  • The Altria Group. The parent company of Philip Morris has a long and respected history of marketing products that result in the demise of hundreds of thousands of decadent Americans every year. An accomplishment AQI views with admiration and envy.
  • Monsanto. A producer of chemicals and agribusiness products that have multiple applications as poisons, food and water contaminants, and incendiary raw materials for wanton destruction.
  • Delta Airlines. One of the premiere air transportation providers in the world with a fleet of modern aircraft and a presence in every major airport in the nation.
  • Xe. Formerly Blackwater, this private security firm trains dedicated, professional, paramilitary operatives for work in protection, combat, munitions, and intelligence.
  • News Corporation. An inter-disciplinary media conglomerate that includes Fox News, the Wall Street Journal, and an array of international newspapers, broadcasters, and publishers. A valuable partner for any enterprise seeking to influence mass audiences.

In the coming months, look for Al QaedAmerica to be a leader in the exploding market of exploding markets. Our new American division is already stockpiling cash to fund campaigns on behalf of gullible lackeys who will do our bidding. We are identifying initiatives that will enhance our world-class ability to generate fear. These operations are also profit centers as the fear fuels demand for security products in which we are also investing.

We would like to thank our partners in mongering. Glenn Beck of Fox News has been an invaluable ally as he promotes myths that elevate our status and increase the fear quotient upon which we rely to be successful. We are also appreciative of him and his colleagues at Fox for minimizing reporting on this Supreme Court decision, as too much publicity could result in attempts to legislatively supersede the Court. And we would not be where we are today without the help of conservative pundits and think tanks who put in long hours justifying decisions like the one just handed down. We expect the media in general will continue to ignore this decision because they stand to make billions in advertising from the newly unleashed corporations.

And, of course, former President Bush and Vice-President Cheney, who made this all possible by installing Justices John Roberts and Samuel Alito, have our enduring gratitude. Recent missions for martyrs have been extraiordinarily gratifying. And now that we, along with many other corporations, foreign and domestic, can manipulate the American government, the future for jihad looks even brighter.

The next couple of months (years?) it is going to be interesting watching the response from the global business community as they realize they can purchase legislators and legislation. That will be almost as interesting as watching the response from Congress as they struggle with the dilemma of restoring the integrity of America’s electoral system or letting the Court’s decision stand so they can profit from the billions of dollars in new contributions.

Justice Scalia Knows Foul-Mouthed Glitteratae

The Supreme Court ruled today on a case pitting Fox Entertainment against the FCC and involving the use of naughty language on TV. The crux of the debate centered on “fleeting expletives” like when Bono of U2 appeared at an awards ceremony and used the phrase “fucking brilliant” in his acceptance speech.

The court’s ruling actually shied away from taking a position on the Constitutional question of free speech, preferring to decide narrowly on whether the FCC rules were “arbitrary and capricious.” In the end, with six justices writing separate opinions, the court overruled by 5 to 4 a 2nd Circuit decision in favor of Fox. The decision affirmed the FCC’s regulations regarding profanity, but sent the issue of free speech back to the 2nd Circuit for a reasoned analysis.

In this matter I would actually line up with Fox inasmuch I don’t like the FCC setting moral boundaries for expression. But Justice Antonin Scalia had to go and make such an asinine statement in his opinion that I just can’t let it stand:

“We doubt, to begin with, that small-town broadcasters run a heightened risk of liability for indecent utterances. In programming that they originate, their down-home local guests probably employ vulgarity less than big-city folks; and small-town stations generally cannot afford or cannot attract foul-mouthed glitteratae from Hollywood.”

What a complete and utterly idiotic remark. Brooklyn-bred Scalia obviously doesn’t know a fucking thing about down-home folks or small towns. He is a big-city, elitist asshole whose only acquaintance with Hollywood glitteratae is via his perverse imagination and insulting stereotypes.

It is embarrassing beyond description that someone this stupid remains a sitting Justice on America’s highest court.

Clarence Thomas Should Shut Up

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has officially jumped the snark. He has traversed so far past the horizon of satire that he can’t be made fun of anymore.

Thomas has long kept tongues wagging about how little wagging his tongue does while on the bench. The Wall Street Journal reports that…

“Through about 20 oral arguments this term, Justice Thomas has yet to ask a question from the bench […] Last term, through 68 hours of oral arguments, he didn’t say a thing either. The last time Thomas asked a question: Feb. 22, 2006.”

In almost two years, not a peep from Justice Thomas, even during a case that involved the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission which he headed during the Reagan administration. We know that there is nothing wrong with his vocal chords because he speaks in the private sector far more frequently than his fellow justices. In one of those speeches (delivered this week for $100.00 per seat), Thomas defended his silence by attacking his benchmates:

“My colleagues should shut up!” he exclaimed.

Then Thomas drew an absurd analogy between judges and surgeons saying that doctors don’t engage in seminars while in the operating room. If that’s an example of Thomas’ logical acuity we’re in bigger trouble than we thought. Doctors do, of course, have conferences to toss around theories and arguments for how to proceed before they ever step foot in an operating room. That’s a better analogy for what happens when justices conduct hearings. Justices in deliberations and composing their opinions would be more analogous to the operating room. But it doesn’t seem like Thomas even understands the duties required of him when he says…

“We are judges. This is the last court in a long line in our system. We are there to decide cases, not to engage in seminar discussions.”

Wrong, Clarence. You are there to assemble a thorough knowledge of the competing interests that the case presents. You ask questions in order to construct a legal foundation from which to form an opinion. You don’t decide the case until after you’ve heard the advocates from both sides and tested their legal arguments.

What a sad state of affairs that we have such an ill-informed and intellectually incurious member of our country’s highest court. We can only hope that he will develop a renewed appreciation for his family and resign to spend more time with them.