{"id":729,"date":"2007-12-31T15:05:49","date_gmt":"2007-12-31T23:05:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.newscorpse.com\/ncWP\/?p=729"},"modified":"2008-01-01T02:09:19","modified_gmt":"2008-01-01T10:09:19","slug":"the-war-on-new-years-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newscorpse.com\/ncWP\/?p=729","title":{"rendered":"The War On New Years Day"},"content":{"rendered":"

Now that Bill O’Reilly has declared Mission Accomplished<\/a> in the War on Christmas™, it may be a good time to redeploy our forces to the battle for New Years Day.<\/p>\n

What? You say you’ve never heard of the War On New Years? Well, the New Years War is indeed less well known than the Christmas conflagration. It could be characterized as the Afghanistan of the Holiday Hostilities. But like Afghanistan, it is fully engaged and may have even more significance than other Season’s Grievings.<\/p>\n

The battle, as always, is centered on a religious dispute. The celebration commemorating the passing of the year is based on a calendar that presumes time began with the birth of Christ. However, according to heathens like Secular Progressives and, let’s say, Jews, it is not the dawning of 2008 at all. The Jewish calendar is already up to 5768, having been based on a Biblical triviality that no one cares about anymore – the year G-d created the Earth and everything else. And Rosh Hashanah rings in the new year sometime around September.<\/p>\n

It’s fair to say that the enemies of New Years have not been as successful as the enemies of Christmas. There are no major department stores that prohibit their employees from wishing their customers a Happy New Year, and New Years decorations can be displayed even in government facilities. Although there have been scattered reports of pagan retailers compelling greetings to be confined to “Happy Gregorian Day.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Women’s groups are also up in arms due to the traditional characterization of time as an old man, as in “Father Time.”<\/em> Mother Time is nowhere to be found. This is particularly disturbing because the New Year is often depicted as an infant who was seemingly conceived by its father.<\/p>\n

While the ACLU has yet to take any War on New Years cases, it is just a matter of … um … time. It would be better to prepare for battle than to be caught off guard and find ourselves reduced to wishing each other a Happy New Orbit Around the Sun.<\/p>\n

Actually, that doesn’t sound half bad. Happy Orbit Day everybody!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Now that Bill O’Reilly has declared Mission Accomplished in the War on Christmas™, it may be a good time to redeploy our forces to the battle for New Years Day. What? You say you’ve never heard of the War On New Years? Well, the New Years War is indeed less well known than the Christmas […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1,15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-729","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general","category-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4Ijg-bL","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":5999,"url":"https:\/\/www.newscorpse.com\/ncWP\/?p=5999","url_meta":{"origin":729,"position":0},"title":"Media Matters: Bill O’Reilly Covers The War On Christmas More Than Actual Wars","author":"Mark NC","date":"12\/22\/2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Media Matters reviewed the content of Bill O'Reilly's December programming and discovered something that reveals the truth about his long-standing \"War on Christmas.\" \"Every year, 'Culture Warrior' Bill O'Reilly devotes considerable time on his Fox News show to the 'War on Christmas.' This December, O'Reilly has covered the imaginary 'War\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "General"","block_context":{"text":"General","link":"https:\/\/www.newscorpse.com\/ncWP\/?cat=1"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":8489,"url":"https:\/\/www.newscorpse.com\/ncWP\/?p=8489","url_meta":{"origin":729,"position":1},"title":"Here We Go Again: Fox News’ War On Christmas Lunacy Returns","author":"Mark NC","date":"11\/20\/2012","format":false,"excerpt":"It happens every year at this time. Chestnuts roast over open fires; Jack Frost nips at your nose; and Fox News declares that there is a \"War on Christmas\" that only they can see. 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Trump\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "General"","block_context":{"text":"General","link":"https:\/\/www.newscorpse.com\/ncWP\/?cat=1"},"img":{"alt_text":"Nicolle Wallace, MSNBC","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.newscorpse.com\/ncWP\/..\/Pix\/Trump\/wallace-nicolle.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.newscorpse.com\/ncWP\/..\/Pix\/Trump\/wallace-nicolle.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.newscorpse.com\/ncWP\/..\/Pix\/Trump\/wallace-nicolle.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":50611,"url":"https:\/\/www.newscorpse.com\/ncWP\/?p=50611","url_meta":{"origin":729,"position":3},"title":"Fox News CRUSHED that the Media is ‘Moving On From Afghanistan’ to Cover Actual News","author":"Mark NC","date":"9\/4\/2021","format":false,"excerpt":"The past week has been one of profoundly significant world events. The United States finally ended a twenty year long war in Afghanistan. The COVID pandemic surged to record levels due to the Delta variant. The Supreme Court declined to block a draconian abortion rights law in the state of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "General"","block_context":{"text":"General","link":"https:\/\/www.newscorpse.com\/ncWP\/?cat=1"},"img":{"alt_text":"Fox News Sad","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.newscorpse.com\/ncWP\/..\/Pix\/Trump\/foxnews-sad-emoji.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.newscorpse.com\/ncWP\/..\/Pix\/Trump\/foxnews-sad-emoji.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.newscorpse.com\/ncWP\/..\/Pix\/Trump\/foxnews-sad-emoji.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":50556,"url":"https:\/\/www.newscorpse.com\/ncWP\/?p=50556","url_meta":{"origin":729,"position":4},"title":"Trump Whines About Media Covering Hurricane Ida Instead of Bashing Biden On Afghanistan","author":"Mark NC","date":"8\/30\/2021","format":false,"excerpt":"America's most flagrantly dishonest and flamboyantly narcissistic president, Donald Trump, is affirming just how little he cares about the American people. 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