Glenn Beck is being tested by God. He is undergoing a form of holy scrutiny to ascertain his devotion and commitment. A Baptism by fire. Why else would this humble servant of the Lord be subjected to the suffering and infirmity that he just announced to his disciples?

“I have been losing feeling in my hands and my feet.”

Hands and feet? Could this be the beginnings of the stigmata and the confirmation of his Messianic identity? Beck has also complained of problems affecting his vocal cords, the primary basis for his existence. And he has previously announced that his vision may be failing. He is literally coming apart at the seams. But fear not. He insists that this is not bad news:

“Things are changing and there is no bad news here. Because what I am feeling in myself, and what is happening to my physical body, to some extent, and what is happening to me mentally, is not a depression, is not a death. It is a transformation. It is a transcendence. It is a reaching out of the slime and pulling yourself out. So it is not bad news. It is just a transition period.”

Hallelujah. Beck hasn’t been arbitrarily struck with multiple maladies. He is simply transcending to a higher form. He is fundamentally transforming into a more powerful and omnipotent force. Should he succumb to these trials it will simply be a reassignment to the right hand of God. If he prevails and is cured, it will be just another miracle on the path to beatification.

Of course there is the other possibility – that God is pissed and is meting out his punishment. Deuteronomy 28:27-29 explains clearly what God will do to you if you fail to follow his laws:

27: The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed.
28: The LORD shall smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart.
29: And thou shalt grope at noonday, as the blind gropeth in darkness, and thou shalt not prosper in thy ways: and thou shalt be only oppressed and spoiled evermore, and no man shall save thee.

The emerods (or hemorrhoids) he has already had, and it nearly killed him. The potential blindness he announced earlier this year. The madness is self evident. And even his prosperity has suffered in that nearly 300 advertisers have refused to permit their ads to be run during his program.

If God isn’t smiting this sinner then S/He sure has a twisted sense of humor.