Humor

Sitting Schmuck: Alberto Gonzales Ducks Columnists

Posted by on June 25, 2007 at 3:27 am. 1 Comments :

The National Society of Newspaper Columnists awarded its “Sitting Duck“ award to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales at their annual convention last weekend.

“We’re giving the award to Alberto Gonzales, but can’t remember why,” quipped NSNC President Mike Argento, columnist for the York (Pa.) Daily Record.

The “honor” is awarded to a person or situation that the Society considers to be an easy target for columnists. By that measure Gonzales is a deserving winner. His recent demonstration of “situational amnesia” before Congress was almost laughably inept. The “almost” qualifier is only included because of the seriousness of his actual deceit.

Gonzales edged out some tough competition including Bill O’Reilly and the tabloid coverage of the likes of Paris Hilton. Speaking of which, Larry King has still not tired of the Hilton frenzy. He is featuring the story of the heiress’ impending release on Monday’s show and is bumping Michael Moore on Wednesday for her first post-jail interview. Yeah, that’s more important than the national health care debate.

I imagine the duck vote was a real nail-biter this year – maybe as close as last year when Ann Coulter took the prize from rivals Michael Jackson and Saddam Hussein. If I had to pick a runner up, it would be the Congress that Gonzales is openly mocking. The fact that they have been unable to summon the will to impeach this incompetent abuser of his office, and the Constitution, makes the “sitting duck” label particularly appropriate for the members of our legislative branch.

Paris Hilton: Bustin’ Out

Posted by on June 7, 2007 at 2:33 pm. 2 Comments :



It’s official! Justice in America has jumped the shark. Every prisoner with a rash should be paroled immediately. Every con who finds their cell too cold, or doesn’t care for the food should be sent home. Anyone who still thinks there isn’t a class division in legal matters should be institutionalized (they can have Paris’ cell).

Yet the “law-and-order” right-wing elitocrats will wave off Paris’ mockery of justice as trivial, even as they continue to call for the pardon of Scooter Libby. Paris might have killed a family of five that night she was driving drunk, but hey, she’s a Hilton. Libby might have tipped off international enemies as to the identity of our agents and sources, but hey, he’s a loyal Bushie.

Justice is blinded by the bling.

Update: Radar dug up campaign contributions to Lee Baca, the sheriff who ordered Hilton’s release. Contributors include Paris’ grandfather, William Barron Hilton and Rupert Murdoch.

National Review’s Cruise Spews Skewed News

Posted by on May 8, 2007 at 4:35 pm. NO Comments :

In case you haven’t already booked your summer vacation, you might want to look into this event brought to you by the folks at The National Review:

National Review's Ghost Ship

That’s right…Now you and your family can enjoy a leisurely trip to the Last Frontier state with many of the same people that hope to destroy it’s native beauty by drilling for oil in the Alaskan National Wilderness Area. Imagine the thrill of hobnobbing with your favorite neo-Icons, like…

  • Arthur Laffer, author of the widely rebuked “Laffer Curve.”
  • Ed Gillespie, former chairman of the Republican National Politburo.
  • Dick Morris, renowned political turncoat and self-promoter.
  • Robert Bork, rejected Supreme Court nutjob nominee.
  • Kate O’Bierne, reliable right-wing propaganda hustler.
  • Jonah Goldberg, the gold medal model for editorial hackery.

And just added…

  • John Bolton, hot-headed former ambassador and diplomatic self-destruct mechanism.

This promises to be an adventure that the Poseidon’s passengers could not even have imagined. If you have the courage to board a vessel helmed by the same crew that has steered America’s ship of state into the sandbars of Iraq, a perfect storm of corruption, and the depths of economic deficits and gross inequality, then be sure to book your room soon. This will be a Titanic affair that you’ll remember long after the Global War on Terror has metastasized into a perennial nightmare that your children’s children will still be fighting.

When you return your friends will be consumed with envy and will hungrily interrogate you for details. But having endured the torture that this trip is certain to inflict, you will be able to resist and maintain a Dead Calm. So get ready to board because, if you pass up this once in a lifetime opportunity, the terrorists win.

Tom DeLay vs. Rosie O’Donnell

Posted by on April 12, 2007 at 12:25 pm. NO Comments :

SUNDAY – SUNDAY – SUNDAY
Competing for the title of International Fly-weight Champion, Tom “The Hammer” DeLay, America’s X-Terminator, will battle TV gab-queen and lesbian communist, Rosie “The Riveter” O’Donnell.

You won’t want to miss this clash of the TITANS as The Hammer NAILS another nemesis to the Holy Cross of Isaac, Jacob and Abramoff.

If the Left takes Imus, We’ll take Rosie
“I am CALLING ON CONSERVATIVES to use the available media (radio talk shows, blogs, letters to the editor) to protest and DEMAND that Rosie O’Donnell be kicked off The View. Where are the demonstrations in front of ABC? Where are the boycott THREATS for The View’s advertisers, or its parent company, Disney? Who is holding Barbara Walters accountable for Rosie’s offenses? We can FIGHT like the Left, too. If Don Imus falls to the pleas of political correctness, WE’RE TAKING ROSIE O’DONNELL DOWN with him.”

With those fearsome words in support of the racist and sexist radio bloviator, Don Imus, the gauntlet is laid down. Get your tickets TODAY because there won’t be a single empty seat for what will surely be this year’s main event in the WAR ON TERROR!

IT’S ON!
Imus goes DOWN!
“From the outset, I believe all of us have been deeply upset and revulsed by the statements that were made on our air about the young women who represented Rutgers University in the NCAA Women’s Basketball Championship with such class, energy and talent.” ~ CBS President and CEO, Leslie Moonves.

The Hammer’s challenge has been accepted and the Fracas with the Jackass will undoubdtedly be this season’s most talked about matchup. Will The Hammer lock up his fragrant opponent, or will Rosie wilt? Or will DeLay’s tag team partner, Bull “Da Fracture” O’Reilly step in and shut the whole stadium up? These questions will be answered when The Hammer’s wrath comes DOWN.

BE THERE!

John McCain Misspeaks

Posted by on April 8, 2007 at 12:49 am. NO Comments :

Last month John McCain made widely ridiculed remarks about the security of taking a leisurely stroll in Baghdad:

“…there are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through those neighborhoods today.”

But during an interview on 60 Minutes, McCain displayed the mark of leadership for which he has become known by offering this explanation: He misspoke.

McCain courageously confronted his critics with the bold admission that his words meant nothing. But more than that, he revealed that this was not the first time, and he defiantly pledged that it would not be the last. Now, that’s what I call “straight talk.”

When in our nation’s history have we had a leader who could be so reliably confounding; whose mangling of language rendered communication so hopelessly irrelevant? If you’re like me, then you know the answer to that question. And you know that John McCain is the perfect candidate to revitalize the legacy of George W. Bush, America’s most proficient prevaricator.

When McCain tells you that he misspoke, you know that you don’t have to worry yourself with anything he has said. When he tells you that he has done it before, you know that he is a man of experience. When he tells you that he will misspeak in the future, you can rest assured that he is making a promise he intends to keep.

Vote for John McCain in 2008. He says things he might actually mean.

Bush Names Bill O’Reilly To Fill In For Tony Snow

Posted by on April 1, 2007 at 3:34 am. NO Comments :

Tony Snow’s recently diagnosed recurrence of cancer could not have come at a worse time for the Bush White House. Any president always has a need for a spokesperson that can present his vision and keep a disorderly flock of reporters in line. But current events are weighing on this administration with domestic scandals at the Department of Justice, a new and hostile Congress, foreign affairs heating up over Iran’s arrest of British soldiers, and, of course, the long-running and unpopular war in Iraq.

If there were ever a time that a president depended on an agile and articulate spokesman, it is now. And that is why the White House, looking to the bench that produced its previous stars, introduced the press gathered in the briefing room today to his new press secretary, Bill O’Reilly.




“Bill will be a valuable addition to our team,” said Bush. “He’s going to help us to prevaricate our agenda to the American people.”

O’Reilly didn’t waste any time taking the reins of his new post. With a gentle elbow jab, O’Reilly subtly nudged the President from the podium. Facing a curious and expectant press corps for the first time, he confidently assured them the President would be alright just as soon as he caught his breath. When David Gregory of NBC asked if the President could use a little help getting back to his feet, O’Reilly defiantly objected to Gregory’s negativity.

O’Reilly: “The President is in great shape and doesn’t need liberal media kooks like you implying that his administration is falling down on the job.”

Gregory: “I just thought he might…”

O’Reilly: “Oh, don’t give me that crap.”

Gregory: “…need a hand.”

O’Reilly: “Cut his mic. Somebody cut his mic right now. Lester, do you have a question?”

Les Kinsolving of WorldNetDaily: “Thanks Bill. Yesterday Matt Drudge reported that a homeless veteran accused someone that he thought looked like Nancy Pelosi of running off with his Persian cat. Is the President planning to have Speaker Pelosi arrested and is he at all concerned about the presence of Persian felines, that may in fact be Iranian, prowling the back alleys of America?”

Before O’Reilly could respond, Helen Thomas rose to leave the room, presumably to answer her ringing cell phone.

O’Reilly: “And just where do you think you’re going?”

Thomas: “I have to take this call.”

O’Reilly: “Sure you do. It’s typical of all you secular-progressives that can’t take the heat. They’re afraid to come on ‘The Fact…’ um, to come to the press briefing because they’re afraid to confront me. Go ahead, take your call you little baby. Any other questions?”

Gregory: “Is the President breathing? Don’t you think he should see a doctor or…”

O’Reilly: “I thought I told you to shut up. If that’s your microphone he’s using, Norah, you’re in big trouble. You know what? This press conference is over.”

With that, O’Reilly left the room. Gregory and Fox News correspondent, Carl Cameron, helped Bush up and leaned him against the podium.

Bush: “There see,” wheezed the President. “A valuable addition to our team. You didn’t get any more out of him than you did any of our other press secretaries, did you?”

Get well soon, Tony.