For those of you who were out last night celebrating the fundamental transformation of 2013 into 2014, you had the great misfortune of missing all the action on the Fox News All American New Year’s Eve. And if not getting to hear Susan Boyle’s rendition of Auld Lang Syne, or seeing a yawn-inducing interview of a couple of Dynastic Ducks doesn’t fill you with regret, then the Sarah Palin segment should do the trick.

Perhaps the most notable part of Palin’s infamous word-salad schtick was her new year’s resolutions which began with a vow to “Eat more meat,” in 2014 (and I’m not touching that one with a ten foot moose antler). After increasing her odds of contracting acute heart disease, Palin also pledged to “Make our federal government as irrelevant in our lives as possible,” presumably to end safety standards for the meat products (and other food and drugs) she consumes. Although she certainly wouldn’t miss the government’s involvement in law enforcement, infrastructure development, academics, diplomacy, and anti-poverty programs like Social Security and food stamps, either. Finally she promised to “Take former UCLA coach John Wooden’s Pyramid of Success and live it out.” That should keep her busy since to date she hasn’t exhibited a single one of the traits Wooden advocates.

However, the part of the broadcast that was by far the most fun was when a roving Fox reporter asked a Times Square reveler to comment on the joyous occasion. She promptly flipped the bird to Fox’s cameras and said “We got five minutes until 2014 and we’re gonna fuck shit up.” The reporter dismissed the profanity as “a little bit of the adventure of live television,” but I think it was really a sneak preview of Fox’s new slogan for 2014: Fox News: We’re Gonna Fuck Shit Up.

Have a happy, healthy new year everybody.