In an unprecedented investigation, Stephen Colbert reveals the precise source of Glenn Beck’s unique brand of wisdom. C’mon, follow me…
If nothing else, this proves that Beck has shit for brains.
Humor
George W. Bush Kept Us Safe
September 11, 2001, was the sort of milestone that no one wants in their collection. Aside from the obvious and tragic loss of life, it opened up a vein of fear and a recognition that none of us are impervious to grievous harm in a dangerous world.
Thank God, then, for George W. Bush. He kept us safe – well, except for that one time on 9/11. But after that he was a like brave centurion shielding his weak and whimpering wards. That’s why Brit Hume of Fox News, on the day of Barack Obama’s inauguration, marveled…
“That this country would pass into a new presidency eight years later with not a single attack? i certainly didn’t believe that. I woke up every morning for six months wondering whether we’d been attacked again.”
I’m not sure what’s going on at the Hume household, but maybe a little Thorazine would have helped. In the long run, though, Hume and innumerable rightist pundits and politicos, are quite correct in their legacy building efforts on behalf of the beleaguered Bush, who is already regarded as America’s worst president ever. The call has gone out to the Republican Establishment Media that it is only through Bush’s vigilance that any of us are alive today. Just take a look at the record:
- No terrorist attack on U.S. soil since 9/11. Bush kept us safe from terrorists.
- No hurricanes in New Orleans since Katrina. Bush kept us safe from nature.
- No comets have hit Earth since Tunguska, 100 years ago. Bush kept us safe from celestial collisions.
- No #1 albums from Creed since Weathered (2001). Bush kept us safe from Power Ballads.
- No reanimation of serial murderer and cannibal, Jeffrey Dahmer. Bush kept us safe brain-devouring zombies.
- No sightings of the Four Horsemen on the Interstate. Bush kept us safe from the Apocalypse.
When you think about all of things that didn’t happen during the Bush years, you can’t help but be grateful for the omnipotent scope of his protective embrace. Along with all of the miracles enumerated above, Bush alone is directly responsible for our not having been consumed by a black hole, or our undergoing an epidemic of projectile vomiting, or the return of the Macarena. Since none of those things happened, then, just like the absence of another terrorist attack, Bush gets all the credit.
Sure, he also ignored intelligence warnings prior to 9/11 that, had they been heeded, might have prevented it. And his crony-infested federal emergency response apparatus resulted in needless death and suffering after Katrina. And his job creation record is the worst since Hoover. And trillions of dollars were lost from retirement and pension funds. And 47 million Americans have no health insurance. And our Constitutional liberties were revoked. But at least our cities have not been overrun by marauding herds of Bigfoots (Bigfeet?). And everyone knows that anything that didn’t happen since 9/11 was directly the result of Bush’s leadership. Well, except for the failure to capture Osama Bin Laden. That was Keith Olbermann’s fault.
So thank you, George W. Bush. And goodbye.
[Hat tip to Bill O’Reilly for alerting me to this video that he regards as child abuse]
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This Is Joe The Plumber Reporting From Israel
The highly anticipated debut installment of war correspondent Joe the Plumber has been filed and is ripping apart the fabric of the journalistic community. For someone who was ridiculed for not having the experience or skills to perform as a reporter, Joe showed his critics that he should not be underestimated with profound declarations like this:
“I have thousands of questions but I can’t think of the right one.”
That should put to rest any notion of his being unqualified. And to demonstrate that he was precisely the right choice to represent the “Average Joe” in Israel, J the P offers a sympathetic observation of life in a battle zone:
“I’m sure they’re taking quick showers,” he said. “I know I would.”
Now that’s a real plumber’s perspective. How can the elitists of the mainstream media, with their fancy college degrees in journalism and their years of experience, compete with insight like that? In fact the media is at a big disadvantage when it comes to Joe because, as he says himself, he came to this vocation as:
“…an expert on media bias. I was on the short end of the stick [just like Israel].”
And he’s using his “expertise” wisely. The bulk of his time in Israel appears to have been spent posing in picturesque tableaus of billowing smoke miles off in the Gazan distance, and in junk yards examining scrap metal collected from used Hamas rockets. Pajamas Media must be proud to have him as their correspondent relaying these vital stories back to the American public. Money well spent.
This Just In – VIDEO!
Joey The P: I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think journalists should be anywhere allowed war [sic]. I mean, you guys report where our troops are at. You report what’s happening day to day. You make a big deal out of it. I think it’s asinine. You know, I liked back in World War I and World War II when you’d go to the theater and you’d see your troops on, you know, the screen and everyone would be real excited and happy for ’em. Now everyone’s got an opinion and wants to downer-and down soldiers. You know, American soldiers or Israeli soldiers.
I think media should be abolished from, uh, you know, reporting. You know, war is hell. And if you’re gonna sit there and say, “Well look at this atrocity,” well you don’t know the whole story behind it half the time, so I think the media should have no business in it.
Oh my FREAKING God! PJ believes – and actually said aloud – that the media should be “abolished” from “uh, you know, reporting.” He complains that they don’t know the whole story, as opposed to his encyclopedic knowledge of the Middle East, Jewish and Muslim cultures, and the language and history of the region. And he pines for the newsreels of WWI that were nothing more than propaganda and that he has probably never seen.
He thinks it’s asinine to make a big deal out of a little thing like WAR! What’s asinine is his accusations of the media disclosing troop movements. If that happened they would be prosecuted. That’s how little Joe knows about reporting from a war zone. And despite his disparagement of government, he thinks that it should be able to operate without the interference of an independent press corps.
His lament that “everyone’s got an opinion” is especially ironic considering that that is the only thing that his moronic ranting consists of – absolutely zero substance. He’s even stupider than I thought. Somebody get him out of there before he gets someone, or himself, killed.
More Joe: “You don’t need to see what’s happening every day. […] I think the military should decide what information to give the media and then the media can release it to the public.”
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Fox Greetings: May Your What Be What?
The corporate headquarters for the War On Christmas is sending out their seasoned greetings, but the message may be getting somewhat muddled.
First of all, the wishes being conveyed are not for Christmas at all, but for some vague, unspecified “holiday.” And the graphic treatment of the message makes clear that what Fox is really wishing for is a season of conservative ideology and partisanship.
That’s the spirit!
There are more examples of the Fox holiday spirit at Jossip, where they received cards that exploit the joy of this season to make nasty comments about their competitors.
As the say at News Corp: “Tis the season to be assholes.”
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George W. Bush: Lame. Duck!
On what George Bush must think is his victory lap, the president surprised the country he destroyed with one last visit before he slips off into irrelevancy. However, during a press conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki, one of the reporters slipped off his shoes and hurled them at Bush.
After the incident, Bush dismissed it saying that it was merely “one way of getting attention.” But in the Middle East, the symbolism of shoes is much deeper than that. Even crossing your legs in a manner that shows the sole of your shoe to someone is considered a supreme insult.
Take this, Bushie…
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John McCain Pulls A Double, Reverse Maverick
Last night John McCain appeared on Saturday Night Live. He follows his running mate’s inexplicably lame guest shot on the program two weeks ago. The best that can be said is that he didn’t bomb as thoroughly as Sarah Palin. At least he participated in the sketches and had a few punch lines.
Still, it is a bit surprising that the jokes primarily centered on his being a cash-strapped also ran. That is generally not a theme that a candidate wants to present two days before an election. Neither is it advisable to reveal your campaign’s closing strategy, which McCain did when discussing the matter on the Weekend Update segment. Asked what he would do if his present strategy were to fail, he offered a couple of notable alternatives:
- The Reverse Maverick: That’s where I do whatever anybody tells me.
- The Double Maverick: I’d just go totally berserk and freak everybody out.
In reality, he has already resorted to both of these tactics.
He began his campaign two years ago with the Reverse Maverick as he abandoned many of his long-held positions to suck up to the Bush loyalists and the Christian right. Examples include advocating the Bush tax cuts that he had voted against in the Senate, adopting the Bush position on torture that he had previously opposed, and embracing evangelicals like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell who he once called “agents of intolerance.”
He rushed headlong into the Double Maverick with his selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate. That certainly freaked everybody out. In addition, his behavior in response to the Wall Street meltdown when he promised to suspend his campaign and postpone a debate (neither of which he did), was nothing if not berserk.
A third strategy mentioned on SNL was “The Sad Grandpa.” I can’t say that we’ve witnessed bona fide examples of that, but we have seen verified examples of a close off-shoot, “The Grandpa Simpson.”
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A McCain/Palin Halloween
Boo!
John McCain and Sarah Palin celebrating Halloween as Joe the Plumber and Rev. Wright.
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Not That It Matters: O’Reilly vs Franken
Last night Bill O’Reilly couldn’t hold back any longer. He had to let loose on his arch-nemesis, Al Franken, and he did. Not that it matters. I’m just posting this as a bit of comic relief.
A far-left extremist, Franken’s tenure on the Air America Radio network was punctuated by one word: hate. The man is a smear merchant and a rank liar, unqualified for any elected office […] If Franken is elected to the Senate you can expect him to vote for every ACLU-driven impediment to fighting terrorism. He will approve more spending for entitlements, and he will promote San Francisco values any way he can.
O’Reilly doesn’t really give a damn about the ACLU, terrorism, or San Francisco values (although he did give Al Qaeda permission to blow the city up). He is just inconsolable that Franken may just prevail and, once again, prove that O’Reilly is a washed up old geezer who only holds sway over a pathetic congregation of rightist lemmings.
I want Franken to win because he’ll bring intelligence, insight, and compassion to the Senate (and a healthy sense of the absurd). But in addition to that, I just love how much closer it will bring O’Reilly to the thorough mental collapse that is inevitable.
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Bill O’Reilly Thinks He Is Proof Of The Existence Of God
I may have to read this book after all. Bill O’Reilly’s new auto-bloviography, “A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity,” contains this enlightening affirmation of the divine:
“Next time you meet an atheist, tell him or her that you know a bold, fresh guy, a barbarian who was raised in a working-class home and retains the lessons he learned there.
“Then mention to that atheist that this guy is now watched and listened to, on a daily basis, by millions of people all over the world and, to boot, sells millions of books.
“Then, while the non-believer is digesting all that, ask him or her if they still don’t believe there’s a God!”
There is so much wrong with that that it’s hard to know where to begin. I’m not even going to address his obvious narcissistic egomania because some targets are just too easy. But I will point out that the story O’Reilly tells is probably better evidence of the existence of Satan. Who else would give such an obnoxious, divisive, racist, self-absorbed, ignoramus such a prominent platform? Well, Rupert Murdoch would, but that’s just redundant.
I have to wonder, though, from his own perspective, if he is saying that the only way he could ever have risen to prominence was by an act of God? That would actually make sense. Or does he think that divinity is validated by how many morons you can attract? Or is he comparing himself to other famous demagogues with humble beginnings like, say Hitler?
Maybe O’Reilly thinks that we should all be amazed at the miracle of someone who was born into modest circumstances and later became successful. Does he think that that has never happened to anyone before him? He certainly doesn’t give any credit for proving God’s existence to anyone else with similar achievements.
Finally, does O’Reilly really believe that an Atheist confronted with the question above would respond…
“Hallelujah. I never knew that a white, American, Harvard graduate could become a TV personality and make millions of dollars screaming at people and spewing hatred for anyone that didn’t think like him. Obviously there’s a God. I’m saved. Just get me a white sheet and a shotgun and point me to the nearest church?”
I’ve heard of being born again, but does that mean you have to start over with the ignorance of an infant, behave like a baby, and believe that the whole world revolves around you?
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McCain Photo Leaked From Republican Convention Hall
As Democrats finalize preparation for their convention starting Monday, Republicans are still getting their event organized. However, News Corpse has obtained a secretly taken photo from the tightly secured rehearsal hall:
This photo confirms that McCain’s campaign strategy for the fall is going to rely on his status as a prisoner of war. In 1967, John McCain was shot out of the North Vietnamese sky, crash landed in a lake, taken prisoner, and held in captivity for … 41 years, so far.
McCain can’t refrain from exploiting his terrible ordeal as a prop to boost his electoral prospects. After using his captivity as a cynical and absurd response to his housing controversy, you wonder just how far he will take it. Trapper John at Daily Kos speculated earlier today as to how McCain’s camp would respond to any controversy that might arise:
McCain Accused Of Taking Bribes From Abramoff: “This is a guy who didn’t touch hard currency for five and a half years — in prison,” spokesman Brian Rogers told the Washington Post.
2003 McCain Arrest for DWI Uncovered: “This is a guy who didn’t have a sip of booze for five and a half years — in prison,” spokesman Brian Rogers told the Washington Post.
McCain Caught Cheating With 22 Year-Old ASU Intern: “This is a guy who didn’t get laid at all for five and a half years — in prison,” spokesman Brian Rogers told the Washington Post.
Surprisingly, the media is not being led around on a leash like they usually are. Many are incredulous that McCain would so foolishly dilute the impact of what is his most compelling story.
Time: The McCain campaign’s constant invocation of the candidate’s POW past is weird bordering on irrational […] It’s a head-spinning non sequitur, designed to distract us from something mildly troubling with the assertion of something impressive.
Newsweek: I think they are going to it way too many times…. I think he wisely for many years stayed away from it as a political tool, he really did. But now it not only defines him, it’s become a crutch in the campaign. And I think he is in danger of trivializing it.
Politico: It does seem like they’re flirting with Giuliani/9/11 territory here, in which a subject that seems utterly immune to humor, used as a first resort, suddenly becomes a running joke among your political enemies and your late night comic friends.
Talking Points Memo: The McCain campaign is cranking out all these bills with a little ‘McCain as P.O.W.’ logo on it and is trying to use them to buy their way out of every controversy that comes along. Pretty soon the McCain team’s money won’t be good anywhere.
Huffington Post: …to see McCain resort to playing the POW card when answering legitimate questions, in my mind, cheapens that experience. And by cheapening his own experience in war, he degrades all of our experiences in war. He turns the horrific incidents we’ve all seen, touched, smelled, and felt into a lame excuse to earn political points. And it dishonors us all.
‘Nuff said.