George W. Bush Kept Us Safe

Bush SuperheroSeptember 11, 2001, was the sort of milestone that no one wants in their collection. Aside from the obvious and tragic loss of life, it opened up a vein of fear and a recognition that none of us are impervious to grievous harm in a dangerous world.

Thank God, then, for George W. Bush. He kept us safe – well, except for that one time on 9/11. But after that he was a like brave centurion shielding his weak and whimpering wards. That’s why Brit Hume of Fox News, on the day of Barack Obama’s inauguration, marveled

“That this country would pass into a new presidency eight years later with not a single attack? i certainly didn’t believe that. I woke up every morning for six months wondering whether we’d been attacked again.”

I’m not sure what’s going on at the Hume household, but maybe a little Thorazine would have helped. In the long run, though, Hume and innumerable rightist pundits and politicos, are quite correct in their legacy building efforts on behalf of the beleaguered Bush, who is already regarded as America’s worst president ever. The call has gone out to the Republican Establishment Media that it is only through Bush’s vigilance that any of us are alive today. Just take a look at the record:

  • No terrorist attack on U.S. soil since 9/11. Bush kept us safe from terrorists.
  • No hurricanes in New Orleans since Katrina. Bush kept us safe from nature.
  • No comets have hit Earth since Tunguska, 100 years ago. Bush kept us safe from celestial collisions.
  • No #1 albums from Creed since Weathered (2001). Bush kept us safe from Power Ballads.
  • No reanimation of serial murderer and cannibal, Jeffrey Dahmer. Bush kept us safe brain-devouring zombies.
  • No sightings of the Four Horsemen on the Interstate. Bush kept us safe from the Apocalypse.

When you think about all of things that didn’t happen during the Bush years, you can’t help but be grateful for the omnipotent scope of his protective embrace. Along with all of the miracles enumerated above, Bush alone is directly responsible for our not having been consumed by a black hole, or our undergoing an epidemic of projectile vomiting, or the return of the Macarena. Since none of those things happened, then, just like the absence of another terrorist attack, Bush gets all the credit.

Sure, he also ignored intelligence warnings prior to 9/11 that, had they been heeded, might have prevented it. And his crony-infested federal emergency response apparatus resulted in needless death and suffering after Katrina. And his job creation record is the worst since Hoover. And trillions of dollars were lost from retirement and pension funds. And 47 million Americans have no health insurance. And our Constitutional liberties were revoked. But at least our cities have not been overrun by marauding herds of Bigfoots (Bigfeet?). And everyone knows that anything that didn’t happen since 9/11 was directly the result of Bush’s leadership. Well, except for the failure to capture Osama Bin Laden. That was Keith Olbermann’s fault.

So thank you, George W. Bush. And goodbye.

[Hat tip to Bill O’Reilly for alerting me to this video that he regards as child abuse]


7 thoughts on “George W. Bush Kept Us Safe

  1. Your obvious facetiousness is misplaced, as I know exactly how Bush’s legacy is being overlooked. You see, every day I rise, take a peacock feather and tap a rock in my suburban Maryland front yard to ward off tiger attacks in my neighborhood. Not one child or adult in my neighborhood has been attacked as a result, nor have any of my neighbors taken it upon themselves to thank me.

    By the way, in my comment on your previous post I mentioned Bigfoot prior to reading this post, in which you invoke Bigfoot. The coincidence is to great. Before Obama took office I had never had ESP.Since his inauguration…well, YOU be the judge.

    • Well let me be the first to thank you. Your efforts may be more widespread than you thought because there haven’t been any tiger attacks in my L.A. neighborhood either. Is there anything you tap that peacock feather on that would help me win the lottery?

  2. According to the manual such a feat could be possible by tapping the feather on a clearly worded, open accessed easily found file outlining the investigation and charges of a Guantanamo prisoner. Unfortunately no such thing exists.

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