Humor

Jihad Is Coming To America Via Wall Street

Posted by on October 23, 2010 at 3:37 pm. 1 Comments :

Ever since 9/11, you can’t be too careful with regard to national security. Our enemies are clever, persistent, and devious. After all, they managed to plant one of their own in the White House without a birth certificate.

Former Vice-President Dick Cheney was fond of saying that our Muslim adversaries hated us for our freedom. And it’s a good thing he was there to respond with a brilliant defense: Take away all our freedoms and they will like us again.

But the threat has not subsided. Over the years numerous clandestine assaults have been perpetrated in an attempt to catch us with our guard down. Without courageous heroes like Pamela Geller of Atlas Shrugs, we might never have even known we were under attack. Here are a few examples of the catastrophes we avoided due to the vigilance of American paranoids…I mean patriots like Geller:

  • The Mosque at Ground Zero.
  • Islamic Crescent and Star in the 9/11 memorial in Pennsylvania.
  • Nuclear Security Summit Logo Contains Crescent and Star.
  • Missile Defense Agency Logo Contains Crescent and Star.
  • The pro-Muslim NASA.
  • Terrorist Scarves.
  • Campbell’s Halal Certified Soup.
  • Muslim Family Day at Six Flags.

Geller was at the forefront of all these battles. But there is a new threat looming from an unexpected source that is not yet on Geller’s radar. While most Americans of the Tea Party variety are loyal supporters of our friends on Wall Street, the admiration may not be reciprocal. A new television ad from JPMorgan Chase reveals that they too are a part of the Islamic Jihad against America. If you listen closely to the music in the background you will hear the dulcet strains of Cat Stevens, known today as Yusuf Islam. And notice that the name of the ad is “Change.” Where have we heard that before? This is just one more example of how Shariah Law and Islamicization is creeping into the heart of American society and culture.

The enemy is insidious. Some of their plots are barely noticeable to the untrained freedom-fighter. Unless we fight to preserve our values, everything we hold dear will be consumed by these religious tyrants. Thank God we have people like Pamela Geller to protect us and enlighten us with their vision. She has not yet turned her sights on the threat from JPMorgan, but I’m sure that she and her lieutenants are hard at work on it. God Bless the USA.

Top 10 Reasons George Soros Should Refuse To Debate Glenn Beck

Posted by on October 20, 2010 at 2:57 am. 5 Comments :

In a challenge dripping with sarcasm and scorn, Glenn Beck pretended to invite George Soros onto his show for a one-on-one debate. Of course, it was just another of the phony clown shows Beck puts on to the delight of his fans who think his act is real.

But just in case Soros had an afternoon free and, in a moment of weakness, thought it might be a hoot to jostle Beck’s diseased brain around for hour, I offer the following:

Top 10 Reasons George Soros Should Refuse To Debate Glenn Beck.

  1. Why would he waste an hour arguing with a third rate Muppet imitator?
  2. He’s already booked on The Lying Weasel Crybaby Hour.
  3. Sarah Palin and Byron Williams are hiding in the Green Room with chloroform and duct tape.
  4. He wants to see Beck debate Keith Olbermann first.
  5. Rupert and the other billionaires would make fun of him.
  6. The cast of Jersey Shore would be more challenging.
  7. He’s afraid of catching something before Obamacare kicks in.
  8. His facts are no match for Beck’s delusions.
  9. Being called a socialist 12 times a minute isn’t really a debate.

And the #1 Reason George Soros Should Refuse To Debate Glenn Beck…

  1. Glenn Beck will be there.

😉

The Metamorphosis Of Glenn Beck

Posted by on October 9, 2010 at 2:07 pm. 10 Comments :


Glenn Beck is being tested by God. He is undergoing a form of holy scrutiny to ascertain his devotion and commitment. A Baptism by fire. Why else would this humble servant of the Lord be subjected to the suffering and infirmity that he just announced to his disciples?

“I have been losing feeling in my hands and my feet.”

Hands and feet? Could this be the beginnings of the stigmata and the confirmation of his Messianic identity? Beck has also complained of problems affecting his vocal cords, the primary basis for his existence. And he has previously announced that his vision may be failing. He is literally coming apart at the seams. But fear not. He insists that this is not bad news:

“Things are changing and there is no bad news here. Because what I am feeling in myself, and what is happening to my physical body, to some extent, and what is happening to me mentally, is not a depression, is not a death. It is a transformation. It is a transcendence. It is a reaching out of the slime and pulling yourself out. So it is not bad news. It is just a transition period.”

Hallelujah. Beck hasn’t been arbitrarily struck with multiple maladies. He is simply transcending to a higher form. He is fundamentally transforming into a more powerful and omnipotent force. Should he succumb to these trials it will simply be a reassignment to the right hand of God. If he prevails and is cured, it will be just another miracle on the path to beatification.

Of course there is the other possibility – that God is pissed and is meting out his punishment. Deuteronomy 28:27-29 explains clearly what God will do to you if you fail to follow his laws:

27: The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed.
28: The LORD shall smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart.
29: And thou shalt grope at noonday, as the blind gropeth in darkness, and thou shalt not prosper in thy ways: and thou shalt be only oppressed and spoiled evermore, and no man shall save thee.

The emerods (or hemorrhoids) he has already had, and it nearly killed him. The potential blindness he announced earlier this year. The madness is self evident. And even his prosperity has suffered in that nearly 300 advertisers have refused to permit their ads to be run during his program.

If God isn’t smiting this sinner then S/He sure has a twisted sense of humor.

Is Meg Whitman A Whore? A Whore? A WHORE?

Posted by on October 8, 2010 at 4:57 pm. 2 Comments :

Reports have surfaced today that a member of Jerry Brown’s campaign staff inquired as to whether their opponent, Meg Whitman, could be portrayed as a “whore” due to her doling out positions in exchange for endorsements. The comment about Meg Whitman being a whore came during a voice mail that somehow continued to record after Brown thought the phone call was disconnected.

The recording picked up a private conversation about whether Meg Whitman could be regarded as a whore due to her promising a police union official that she would protect pension benefits if he threw the union’s support to her campaign. This is how the Brown campaign addressed the whore subject:

BROWN: I have been warned if I crack down on pensions, I will be – that they’ll go to Whitman, and that’s where they’ll go because they know Whitman will give them, will cut them a deal, but I won’t.
AIDE: What about saying she’s a whore?
BROWN: Well, I’m going to use that. It proves you’ve cut a secret deal to protect the pensions.

The acknowledgment by Brown that he might use Whitman’s willingness to sell her positions for an endorsement (i.e. be a political whore) has generated significant buzz in the media. It also generated a response from Whitman’s camp who were critical of Brown for not repudiating the staffer who suggested calling Whitman a whore:

“The use of the term ‘whore‘ is an insult to both Meg Whitman and to the women of California,” said Sarah Pompei, a campaign spokeswoman. “This is an appalling and unforgivable smear against Meg Whitman.”

Of course everyone knows that Whitman isn’t really a whore, but this dialog can’t do her much good. For it’s part, the Brown campaign apologized for the use of the term whore:

“This was a jumbled and often inaudible recording of a private conversation,” Steven Glazer, Brown’s campaign manager, said in a statement. “We apologize to Ms. Whitman and anyone who may have been offended.”

Whitman may be justified in complaining about the language used by Brown’s aide. I’m sure she doesn’t like being characterized as a whore. However, in context, the conversation showed that Whitman was indeed offering a special treat in exchange for something of value – an endorsement. It also showed Brown acting with integrity in that he was unwilling to waver in his position with regard to the union pension just to win their support.

It seems to me that if Whitman continues to harp on the slur of having been called a whore, she will only be reinforcing the notion that she is a whore. Every time her campaign complains about being called a whore the voters will be reminded that she offered up her position on union pensions for a “fee.”

Does Whitman really want to cement the notion into the public mind that she can be had for a price? Because that’s exactly what she will be doing if she prolongs this controversy over a candid campaign discussion that just happened to wonder if her being a whore could be used to their political advantage.

If I were her I would drop the whore business ASAP. She already asked for and received an apology. The only thing she can accomplish now by pursuing it is to make sure that people continue to associate her with being a whore. And since it isn’t much of a stretch to regard any politician as a whore, it can’t possibly do her any good.

p.s. I apologizing for using the word “whore” eighteen times in this article. That’s a whore lot more than I should have.

p.p.s. Make that twenty times. Although that last one may have been a typo.

Bonus From the Archives: This may be a good time to revisit the Motor City Jackass and Tea Party hero Ted Nugent, who said:

“I was in Chicago last week I said, ‘Hey Obama, you might want to suck on one of these, you punk?’ Obama, he’s a piece of shit and I told him to suck on one of my machine guns. Let’s hear it for them. I was in New York and I said, ‘Hey Hillary, you might want to ride one of these into the sunset you worthless bitch.’ Since I’m in California, I’m gonna find Barbara Boxer she might wanna suck on my machine guns. Hey, Dianne Feinstein, ride one of these you worthless whore.“

Funny…I don’t think I’ve heard Meg Whitman, the GOP, or any of the conservative establishment repudiate these remarks. Yet Nugent continues to be invited to Republican and Tea Party affairs.

Donald Duck Meets Glenn Beck UPDATE: Mickey Mouse Too

Posted by on October 3, 2010 at 9:33 am. 5 Comments :

Who knew that Disney was so far ahead of their time. This cartoon captures perfectly the manner in which Glenn Beck and his ilk employ lies and fear to indoctrinate their congregation of the feeble-minded. Plus, it is F@%KING HILARIOUS. Enjoy it before the Copyright Cops take it down.

And a shout out to its creator, Jonathan McIntosh at Rebellious Pixels.

The Mad BeckUpdate: This video is getting a lot of attention, as it deserves. There were about 6,000 views when I posted it, and now it is over 200,000 (I’m sure I’m responsible for most of that). People clearly enjoy satirizing Beck. There is plenty of material there to work with. I have been down that road myself (see Malice in Wonderland)

I think it’s interesting that it has been featured at both the Huffington Post and Fox Nation.

The Fox Nationalists are aghast that Beck is being parodied. Some are vowing to boycott Disney. Seriously, they think that Disney produced this. That’s the level of their intelligence. Others think the ending is an incitement to violence, particularly an incitement to harm Beck. Someone needs to tell them that radios are inanimate objects. And, oh yes, that cartoons are not the same as real life.

At HuffPo there is a more generally sane reaction. They have an appreciation for the quality of the work and, of course, the good humor. I’m just glad to see this getting some exposure.

Plus…..Beck responds. On his radio show Beck made a point of weaving his conspiratorial delusions around this video and its creator. He spun a tale that entwined the federal government, the National Endowment for the Arts, and even the White House. Of course, without a hint of evidence. His paranoia knows no bounds.

“It is some of the best, well made propaganda I have ever seen.” […]

“If I’m not mistaken, some of these remix videos – it’s very interesting – I believe get federal funding. I believe it was…one these things that he’s involved in was one of the first to receive federal funding. We’re looking into the funding of this gentleman and the incredible propaganda against me, like you’ve never seen. using Disney and Disney cartoons.”

Listen to the whole thing yourself. His tone of voice is ripe with disgust, and his inflection on words like “social justice” and “Chicago” fill them with foreboding. And now Mickey Mouse joins in the fray:

The “incredible propaganda” against Beck is a wonder to behold. But no more wondrous than the propaganda he spews everyday on his own. Watch your back, Jonathan. Beck is “looking into” you.

How Fox News Deceives and Controls Their Flock:
Fox Nation vs. Reality: The Fox News Cult of Ignorance.
Available now at Amazon.

Tea Party Coloring Book Causes White Crayon Shortage

Posted by on September 30, 2010 at 12:37 pm. 3 Comments :

A new coloring book has hit the shelves that is based on the Tea Party and openly advocates for the principles espoused by the right-wing movement. The publishers say that sales are brisk. But this has resulted in an unforeseen problem that could dampen demand for the book.

There is now a worldwide shortage of white crayons. In order to properly fill in the Tea Partiers portrayed in the book, kids have exhausted the current supply of white drawing implements. America’s children are eager to represent the movement accurately, and this has caused a run on many toy stores. Parents have begun advertising on Craigslist and other sites in a frantic search to satisfy the desires of their kids.

Some parents, in a fit of desperation, are trying to to persuade the young artists to use other colors. “That’s why they call them ‘colored people,'” one anxious mother vainly tried to explain to her crestfallen son.

In addition to the marketplace chaos, the coloring book’s content has political connotations. I wonder what Sean Hannity would have to say about this. He, and many other Fox News shoutcasters, have railed against President Obama for what they called “indoctrination” of children whenever the administration spoke to students or distributed learning materials to schools. And it didn’t have to be a government entity to stir up the Foxies wrath. Private companies and non-profit groups received the same treatment and were likened to Nazis poisoning the minds of our youth. Yet this book has not generated the same criticism despite its explicit advocacy of partisan opinion, as seen in this excerpt from the book:

“When taxes are too high, the high tax takes away jobs and freedom. In 1773 we had a Tea Party and this led to freedom from high taxes. Today we are having another Tea Party and this will lead to freedom from high taxes again!”

The reaction to this book from Fox News isn’t nearly as hostile as their response to anything similar from the White House or those who published more liberal fare. In fact, Fox provided valuable airtime to promote the book and its publisher, which should serve to boost sales. The selective outrage exhibited by Fox and other conservatives demonstrates that indoctrination is not regarded as threatening if it is coming from the right.

Revised and corrected cover of the The Tea Party Coloring Book:

Stephen Colbert Speaks Truthiness To Power

Posted by on September 24, 2010 at 11:30 am. 2 Comments :

This morning the House Sub-committee on Immigration, Refugees, and Border Security, received testimony from Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert (video below). Colbert was invited to relate his experience as a corn-packer (irony noted) for all of one day on behalf of the United Farm Workers.

This spectacle was reminiscent of Colbert’s legendary performance before the White House Correspondent’s Association. He remained in character throughout his testimony and questioning from committee members. He even corrected Lamar Smith (R-TX), who asked if the work he did on the farm was harder than being a comedian/entertainer, by answering that “It’s absolutely harder than punditry.” And while he actually addressed serious subjects and made profound points regarding immigration and labor policy, his most biting comments were directed at congress itself:

“I participated in the UFW’s ‘Take Our Jobs’ campaign. One of only 16 people in America to take up the challenge. Though that number may increase in the near future as I understand many Democrats may be looking for work come November.”

…and…

“Now, I’m not a fan of the government doing anything. But I’ve got to ask, why isn’t the government doing anything? Maybe this ag jobs bill will help. I don’t know. Like most members of Congress, I haven’t read it.”

…and…

“I trust that following my testimony, both sides will work together on this issue in the best interest of the American people. As you always do.”

It’s telling that the last quote may have been the biggest laugh line of the day. Apparently the notion that congress has the public interest at heart is hysterical. However. like the Washington press corps, the residents of congress expressed mostly nervous laughter and exhaled broadly when it was all over. Steve King (R-IA) was one of those who was not particularly amused. He objected to Colbert’s appearance before, during and after the hearing. Said King…

“Maybe amnesty supporters should spend less time watching Comedy Central and more time considering all the real jobs that are out there that require hard labor and don’t involve sitting behind a desk. If they did, they would realize that every day American workers perform the dirtiest, most difficult, most dangerous jobs that can be thrown at them.”

What a testament to the Republican agenda for American workers. King is proud of the fact that some Americans are forced to “perform the dirtiest, most difficult, most dangerous jobs that can be thrown at them” That’s exactly what King and his colleagues want, and what their policies would ensure. It’s a statement that defines the GOP plan for American labor. And it’s precisely why Colbert was brought before the congress to raise the profile of an issue that has been all but forgotten by congress and the media.

Christine O’Donnell – Witch Senator For Delaware

Posted by on September 22, 2010 at 3:03 pm. 5 Comments :


By now most of you have heard of the Republican candidate for senate in Delaware, Christine O’Donnell. You have probably also heard that she has confessed that she “dabbled in witchcraft” when she was younger.

Now you have the opportunity to show your support for this Shrewish-American and help to expand the diversity of the United States Congress. O’Donnell would become the first Witch in Congress (that we know of) and bring representation to a disenfranchised minority that has been the victim of discrimination since the first Pilgrims put match to pyre.

The bumper stickers (shown above) are now available for purchase. You can even get the economical 10-Pack so that all of your vehicles display your pride in Occult worship and its contribution to American culture. And you’ll probably still have some leftover for your friends and neighbors. There are also fashionable T-Shirts available if you want to express yourself in style.

Don’t let this opportunity pass you by. When will there be another chance to send a qualified Witch to Washington? This will be an historic election.

O’Donnell is already working her magic. She will actually make herself disappear for the remainder of the campaign. She announced on the Hannity show on Fox News that she will not be doing any more national media. That suggests that she will be doing more local media in Delaware, but somehow, I doubt that will come to pass. She has a cauldron of questions to answer about her flighty past and qualifications to serve in the senate. The locals have the same questions for her as the national press does. And the national press will undoubtedly cover any appearances she makes at the local level. So what’s the difference? Therefore, poof — she disappears — just like Sarah Palin, Rand Paul, Joe Miller, and Sharron Angle.

So join the Broom Brigades today before it’s too late. There hasn’t been a candidate so bewitching since Mary Carey ran for governor of California. And remember to vote on November 2nd. Because if you don’t, she may turn you into a Newt.

She’s done it before.
Newt Gingrich

Fox News Posts Review Of Glenn Beck’s Rally Before It Happens

Posted by on August 27, 2010 at 10:53 am. 5 Comments :

Fox News promos often tout the network as “The Most Powerful Name In News.” Now that power extends into the supernatural as FoxNews.com is caught publishing a story reviewing Glenn Beck’s “Restoring Honor” rally in Washington, DC, the day before it takes place. This demonstration of journalistic clairvoyance may just be a part of the “miraculous” occurrences that Beck promised would take place at tomorrow’s historic event. However, despite the obvious scoop that Fox could claim with this pre-porting, the story was quickly removed from the site, but not before I captured this picture of the screen:

Whether or not the event plays out as depicted in this visual account, we will just have to wait and see. But many prognosticators are laying down their bets for how the event will be portrayed after the fact. Even Glenn Beck has submitted his prebuttal to the media’s reaction:

“My prediction is that this will be covered incorrectly, they will take one line from somebody, or one thing, or they will find one person on the stage that shouldn’t have been there, and or there will be somebody in the crowd, whatever, they will focus on one thing.”

It’s not surprising that Beck would produce this prediction since it mirrors so precisely his own patented method of incorrectly covering people and events in the news.

In the weeks preceding the rally, Beck made some rather grandiose predictions concerning the impact it would have on the attendees and on America. He said to expect a miracle on 8/28; that it would be a turning point for the nation; and that it would be both the Woodstock and the anti-Woodstock of the next generation. But he said the most profound impact would be on the children who would forever remember the experience, and “will be indelibly marked. It will be marked forever. … It will be a brand on them.”

Now, I’m not a Bible scholar, but the only Biblical reference to being “branded” that I can recall had to do with the “Mark of the Beast” (aka Satan). So we may want to check the kids leaving Beck’s Rally on Sunday for the telltale “666” on their foreheads.

[Numerology Alert: The numerological summation of the phrase “Restoring Honor” is “6.” The numerological summation of the date “8/28/2010” is “3.” Hence three sixes.]

The big challenge for Beck is to manage to live up to the rhapsodic buildup he gave for his Revival meeting. In what form will the promised miracle take place. Will a Heavenly aura embrace the mall? Will tears of blood run from Lincoln’s marble eyes? Will all the toast in DC sport images of Sarah Palin in biker shorts? Will the lame be healed (good news for Beck)? Will Jesus sing the lead of Cat Scratch Fever in a duet with Ted Nugent? Who knows? But if the world isn’t wholly transformed by Sunday morning, this event will have to be perceived as a failure. Can Beck deliver?

There was a noticeable evolution in the buildup to the rally as the original announcement portrayed it as a launch party for his next book, “The Plan, a 100 year blueprint for the restoration of America.” Said Beck…

“On August 28, 2010, I ask you, your family and neighbors to join me at the feet of Abraham Lincoln on the National Mall for the unveiling of The Plan and the birthday of a new national movement to restore our great country.”

Subsequent to that announcement the affair took on several different agendas culminating with the current version that celebrates (exploits) fallen soldiers, even though Beck recently removed the reference to honoring veterans from his permit application. The press kit (pdf) still portrays the event as a tribute to veterans but, at the same time, it dismisses any suggestion that it has any political affiliations:

“The Restoring Honor Rally is neither a 9/12 nor a Tea Party rally. There will be absolutely no politics involved. This rally will honor the troops, unite the American people under the principles of integrity and truth, and make a pledge to restore honor within ourselves and our country.”

It is hard to see how an event featuring Beck along with Sarah Palin and Ted Nugent, that is sponsored by the NRA, and has as its organizational partners FreedomWorks and Americans for Prosperity, can be characterized as non-political. It is likewise difficult to grasp how he can claim that it isn’t a Tea Party or 9-12 rally when the 9-12 Project is explicitly cited on the permit as an organizer, and both 9-12ers and Tea Partiers are actively involved in planning and transportation activities. These distinctions are important because the Special Operations Warrior Foundation, which is identified as the charity benefiting from the event, risks losing their non-profit, tax-exempt status if they engage in political activities. Although the matter of charitable contributions may be moot due to this fine-print disclaimer at the bottom Beck’s “Restoring Honor” web site:

“All contributions made to the Special Operations Warrior Foundation (SOWF) will first be applied to the costs of the Restoring Honor Rally taking place on August 28, 2010.”

That’s sweet. Beck is getting the entire event paid for by people who believe they are contributing to a charity for veterans. It won’t be long now until we have the answers to these and other perplexing questions. The historic significance that Beck promised will be realized, or not, in the next 24 hours or so. Are your affairs in order?

And if the report from Fox News pictured above isn’t sufficient evidence of the event’s pivotal impact on our nations future, then make plans to watch Fox News Sunday where Beck will be the featured guest and will surely give an unbiased assessment of his monumental festival of Beck Worship. The Sunday morning news program will cap months of Fox News supposedly not being involved with the rally while promoting it incessantly.