Humor

John McCain’s Ad: Connecting The Dots

Posted by on March 30, 2008 at 3:33 pm. NO Comments :

Upon closer examination of John McCain’s new campaign ad, some interesting messages become apparent…

John McCain's Kool-Aid

Announcer: Keep that faith. Keep your courage. Stick together. Stay strong. Do not yield […] we’ll never surrender.

Was that McCain or Jim Jones? No matter. The ad goes on to ask, “What must a president believe about us?” John McCain believes we’re idiots whose views are irrelevant. When challenged on the state of the war in Iraq he harrumphes, “We’re succeeding. I don’t care what anybody says.” Then he yells at the kids to get off of his lawn.

The ad closes with the redundant declaration that McCain is “the American president Americans have been waiting for.” I suppose he’s just being precise so you don’t think that he’s talking about the Swedish president Americans have been waiting for; or the American president Brazilians have been waiting for.

Maybe we should appreciate his specificity, or maybe he just needs everything explained to him twice. He’s already confessed that he doesn’t understand important subjects like the economy or AIDS prevention, and he’s clearly demonstrated his ignorance of the Middle East. If he is the president Americans have been waiting for (which should read “the president for whom Americans have been waiting”), then we have seriously lowered our standards. Cue H. L. Mencken:

“As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”

I thought that applied perfectly to Bush, but McCain is rapidly becoming a contender.

The News Corpse Oscar Nominees For 2008

Posted by on February 15, 2008 at 9:57 am. 5 Comments :

The News Corpse Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is proud to present its Oscar nominees for 2008.

News Corpse would like to congratulate the nominees and remind them that they are already winners.:

Atonement – The story of a country and a political party finally trying to make amends for a history of repression.

There Will Be Blood (Mud) – An epic tale of the destructive power of nature, and the even more destructive power of a corrupt and incompetent government.

Michael Clayton (Hayden) – Espionage, intrigue, torture, and deceit mark this political thriller that delves into the secret world of the CIA.

Juno (Repo) – This is the heartwarming tale of a family struggling to make ends meet in an economy ravaged by self-serving politicians and their cronies.

No Country For Old Men – Follow the adventures of a mysterious and foreboding figure who exudes fear and terror wherever he roams.

Also available on YouTube. (It’s my first YouTube video and is a little rough around the edges. I like this widget better).

For reference, these are the original posters for the Academy’s nominees:
Oscar Pix

A Valentine For John McCain

Posted by on February 14, 2008 at 2:31 am. NO Comments :

On this special day, Republican presidential candidate, Senator John McCain, can look back fondly on a lifetime of love and romance. And isn’t that what life’s really about?

Candy McCain’s Valentine’s Day Card:
Candy McCain

Whether it’s President Bush, Governor Schwarzenegger, Mayor Giuliani, or some poor sap at a rally, Johnny sure loves to pour on the sugar.

Too bad he doesn’t feel that way about all the soldiers that he’s so proud to have sent to Iraq.

And it’s too bad that he thinks it’s OK for them to be there for the next hundred Valentine’s Days.

And it’s too bad that so many of them will not be celebrating Valentine’s Day with their sweethearts and families because they have been sent thousands of miles away to police another nation’s civil war.

And it’s too bad that some of them will never come home or will return so damaged that they don’t even know what Valentine’s Day is.

And it’s too bad that, despite previously condemning torture, Johnny just voted to allow it, perhaps as a gift to the president he is so fond of.

And it’s too bad that this “family values” advocate, who is presently on his second wife, won’t let others celebrate Valentine’s Day because he disapproves of their gender status.

And it’s too bad that he thinks that bombing civilians in Iran is joke to be put to the tune of a Beach Boys song.

But other than that, he should have a warm and enriching Valentine’s Day in the bosom of his family and not let the tragedies for which he is responsible spoil this happy occasion.

Giuliani and McCain’s Nightmare On Pennsylvania Ave

Posted by on January 24, 2008 at 5:48 pm. NO Comments :

Rudy Giuliani, the leader of the 9/11 Generation, and John McCain, the Beast of Baghdad, are starring together in this election year’s most TERROR-ifying fright fest. Nightmare On Pennsylvania Avenue is certain to scare the daylights out of everybody who sees it – especially Democrats who are already shuddering at the thought.

Nightmare on Pennsylvania Ave

Don’t miss the extravaganza that has Bill O’Reilly saying:

“There is a chance that before this presidential election year is over somebody is going to get hurt.” ~ Bill O’Reilly

Here is John McCain’s new ad boasting that he is the Democrat’s worst enemy:

Here is Rudy Giuliani’s earlier ad boasting that he is the Democrat’s worst enemy:

News Corpse will maintain it’s neutrality and simply concede that they are both pretty awful and they are both enemies.

Their heroes are looking more pathetic with every passing day. Huckabee props up Chuck Norris, a 68 year old high kicker who is supposed to make us vote for Rev. Mike or he’ll beat us up behind the cafeteria during recess. McCain has his own 62 year old relic who will challenge Huckabee’s champion ala Gamera vs. Mothra at the Monster Leisure World in Boca. What’s next? Illegal Alien Vs. Terrorist Predator?

Not much we can do but sit back and watch as they threaten to destroy us or each other or whoever is their enemy of the moment. It’s not art, but with a bucket of popcorn and a large soda it might just be some fun.

Fox’s Major Garrett In Sex Romp With Senator Craig

Posted by on January 10, 2008 at 1:59 am. 2 Comments :

In the fog of hard-fought political wars, the foot soldiers are exposed to stimulating sensations as the campaigns heat up and swirl with emotion. The ups and downs pound furiously as sweaty staffers strain to satisfy insatiable supporters and reporters.

One such reporter appears to have succumbed to the siren call of amour on the campaign trail. Sources have revealed that the fittingly macho-named Major Garrett is tied romantically with the disgraced “non-gay” senator from Idaho, Larry Craig. While there has been no confirmation at this time, the sourcing is “strong, very strong.” Garrett is the reporter who covered the Craig affair for Fox News. And while the photo at the left may not be considered conclusive evidence, it raises the temperature of the scandal significantly.

This revelation comes on the heels of the New Hampshire primary where Garrett reported with titillating excitement that Hillary Clinton’s campaign was floundering and that a staff shake-up was imminent.

“…some of the top advisers to former President Clinton are set to join to Hillary’s faltering campaign as early as tomorrow…Carville and Begala’s strategic advise will now carry greater weight than that of the original team that devised a strategy that has led to a defeat in the Iowa caucuses and a likely defeat in tonight’s New Hampshire primary.”

Garret was only one of many whose prescient observations presumed the fall of the house of Clinton. But he alone swept away the veil that barely hid the forms of Carville, Begala and their naked ambitions.

As it turns out, Carville vehemently denied that he was becoming entwined with the Clinton campaign:

“Fox was, is and will continue to be an asinine and ignorant network. I have not spoken to anyone in the Clinton campaign about this.”

And Begala uttered similar protestations:

“…whoever told you I am joining Hillary’s campaign fed you some bum info. It’s just not true […] I’m not coming in as a volunteer, or as an adviser, or as a strategist or anything else.”

Undeterred, Garrett continued to report the personnel changes and insisted that his sources were impeccable. He told Begala that he would “take it under advisement.” Just to be clear, he was telling Begala that what his sources were saying about Begala was better than what Begala was saying about himself. He then gave Begala this assurance:

“I am not trying to screw you […] I’m careful and don’t have a reputation for pulling stories out of my ass. I’m not now. The sourcing is strong, very strong, or I wouldn’t go with it.”

You can almost hear the strength oozing from Garrett’s baneful wale. Perhaps he is lamenting having promised not to screw Begala. But it is notable that he made no such promise to Sen. Craig.

In the end, it is not possible to provide skin-tight confirmation of Garrett’s dalliance with Craig. Though the evidence at this time is somewhat less than circumstantial, I have confidence in the faithfulness of my sources. But should this flare into a climax of reportorial passion, I vow to treat Garrett with uninhibited fairness. When I receive his call denying that there is any truth to the scandalous allegations herein, I will gladly take it under advisement.

The War On New Years Day

Posted by on December 31, 2007 at 3:05 pm. NO Comments :

Now that Bill O’Reilly has declared Mission Accomplished in the War on Christmas™, it may be a good time to redeploy our forces to the battle for New Years Day.

What? You say you’ve never heard of the War On New Years? Well, the New Years War is indeed less well known than the Christmas conflagration. It could be characterized as the Afghanistan of the Holiday Hostilities. But like Afghanistan, it is fully engaged and may have even more significance than other Season’s Grievings.

The battle, as always, is centered on a religious dispute. The celebration commemorating the passing of the year is based on a calendar that presumes time began with the birth of Christ. However, according to heathens like Secular Progressives and, let’s say, Jews, it is not the dawning of 2008 at all. The Jewish calendar is already up to 5768, having been based on a Biblical triviality that no one cares about anymore – the year G-d created the Earth and everything else. And Rosh Hashanah rings in the new year sometime around September.

It’s fair to say that the enemies of New Years have not been as successful as the enemies of Christmas. There are no major department stores that prohibit their employees from wishing their customers a Happy New Year, and New Years decorations can be displayed even in government facilities. Although there have been scattered reports of pagan retailers compelling greetings to be confined to “Happy Gregorian Day.”

Women’s groups are also up in arms due to the traditional characterization of time as an old man, as in “Father Time.” Mother Time is nowhere to be found. This is particularly disturbing because the New Year is often depicted as an infant who was seemingly conceived by its father.

While the ACLU has yet to take any War on New Years cases, it is just a matter of … um … time. It would be better to prepare for battle than to be caught off guard and find ourselves reduced to wishing each other a Happy New Orbit Around the Sun.

Actually, that doesn’t sound half bad. Happy Orbit Day everybody!

Fox Pews: The Right Before Christmas

Posted by on December 24, 2007 at 7:46 pm. NO Comments :

The Right Before Christmas

Twas the day before Christmas
And all through the news
The networks were vying
To peddle their views

The Secular Media
Pretending to care
Broadcast their services
Over the air

CNN’s query for
Me and for you
Was what would Lord Jesus
Himself really do

MSNBC
Wants to share with us all
The party from Radio
City Music Hall

But one network more
Than the others declares
Its devotion to
Christianity’s prayers

From 24 hours
Its schedule was sliced
To give almost half
To the glory of Christ

Which compels one to wonder
Regarding Fox News
T’would be better to hail
The net as Fox Pews

On this holiday eve, I thought it would be interesting to take a look at the programming served up by the big three cable news networks. Not surprisingly, they all offered specials related to Christmas. It is, of course, entirely appropriate to produce programs that will be of interest to such a prominent percentage of TV consumers on a day of great national significance. But it was nonetheless a little jarring to discover the extent of Fox News’ sermonizing.

Christian content consumed nearly half (11 hours) of the 24 hour period pre-Christmas. The programs included an airing of “Miracles: Facts, Fictions, and Faith,” two airings of “One Nation Under God” hosted by Newt Gingrich, three airings of “The Birth of Jesus,” and five airings of “The Rick Warren Christmas Special.”

Despite the declaration of victory issued by General Bill O’Reilly, the War on Christmas is still raging and Fox doesn’t appear ready to stand down. After all, both Rupert Murdoch and the White House sent out “holiday” greetings this year. So as an extra measure of security, Fox is implementing its own surge strategy by scheduling nine straight hours of Gen. O’Reilly himself on Christmas day. Who better to spend the Lord’s birthday with than the man who proclaimed that:

“Every company in America should be on its knees thanking Jesus for being born. Without Christmas, most American businesses would be far less profitable.”

Now that’s Christmas spirit! I wasn’t even aware that companies had knees. But it is uplifting to know that Jesus was born to increase profit margins. Never mind those moneychangers in the temple.

Somebody Alert Bill O’Reilly And Fox Security

Posted by on December 13, 2007 at 1:33 pm. NO Comments :

From The White House:

MRS. BUSH: Barney and Beazley, I’m so proud that you all wanted to become National Park Junior Rangers. Our national parks are so important. And in fact, the lawn where you play is part of our national parks.

President Bush and I wish everyone a very happy holiday.

What? No Merry Christmas? Is this evidence that The First Lady is offering aid and comfort to the Secular-Progressive enemies in the War on Christmas? Has the President cut and run? Have the terrorists won?

No need to fear – T-Warrior is here. Have no doubt that before you can slide down the MoonBat-pole, Bill O’Reilly will step forward and denounce this insult to America’s favorite religion: Christmasism. Never mind that only a couple of days ago O’Reilly declared victory in the War on Christmas, crediting himself with the glory he feels he so richly deserves. We have already seen those “Mission Accomplished” banners that didn’t really mean that any mission had been accomplished. So now, as always, the goal is to stay the course. Because surrender to the far-left, gay, flag-burning, pot smokers who murdered our savior, is not an option.