Brothers and sisters, on this, the first Sunday of a new year, a new decade in the sight of our Lord, it is a blessing that we may now profit from the teachings of a new holy messenger of the Word of God. Salvation can now be achieved directly from the Most High – Definition, that is. Our Cable path to redemption is clear and the signals are strong. For we now are relieved of the weekly burden of attending a cold, dank church with uncomfortable pews. Now we can get salvation from the convenience of our sofas. We can worship at the alter of Television and absorb the Good News in the comfort of our homes thanks to the advent of the New Fox News Ministries.
Today’s sermon is one that effects every believer and non-believer alike. It concerns the fate of all who have sinned and, of course, that means everyone. Except for those sinners who have already placed their faith in the Savior and have repented and been saved. They can do whatever the Hell they please. But not so fallen stars like Tiger Woods, whose moral indiscretions require urgent redress. And thank the good Lord that we have the Reverend Brit Hume of the Fox News Ministries to counsel unto the golfer lost in the woods.
Rev. Brit Hume: The Tiger Woods that emerges, once the news value dies out of this scandal, the extent to which he can recover, it seems to me, rests on his faith. He’s said to be a Buddhist. I don’t think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith. So my message to Tiger would be, “Tiger, turn your faith, turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.”
Hallelujah and amen! Repent Brother Woods. It is obvious that those heathen Buddhists have nothing whatsoever to offer a poor sinner. They cannot redeem your cursed soul with the blood of a 2,000 year old martyr, can they? They rely merely on ancient wisdom that holds people accountable for their actions, not by judgment, but by the observance of respect for all creation. They reject the sort of forgiveness and redemption that absolves one of guilt or the suffering of consequences for their behavior. Well, unless you regard karma as a model for a virtuous life and a guide for honorable conduct.
Brother Woods, you must ask yourself if you want to embark on a challenging journey of self-examination and knowledge, or if you wouldn’t rather join the likes of Mark Sanford, David Vitter, John Ensign, Larry Craig, Newt Gingrich, Rudy Giuliani, etc., as adulterous sinners who have been pardoned by the grace of a merciful God. You too can be a great example to the world, just as these bags of scum who have preceded you.
Heed the words of the Rev. Hume, all ye sinners. And follow these teachings as ye have those of Rev. Huckabee and Rev. Beck (see The Gospel according to Beck). Get down on your knees and beseech the Lord Fox for forgiveness. Kneel in the sacred blue glow of the Fox light and submit yourself to its flickering divinity. Because by worshiping at the alter of Fox all sins are forgiven. You are free to start wars; to kill innocents; to torture; to befoul the Earth; to pass judgment on others; to revel in wealth and greed; to deny the less fortunate access to food, housing, or health care; to lie, cheat, steal, and even to live as an infidel with impunity.
Sounds like Heaven, doesn’t it? And what does Buddhism have to offer but a life of peace, awareness, enlightenment, and harmony with all the world? Sounds like Hell, huh? As the Prophet Murdoch said:
“Let there be lie: and there was lie. And Murdoch saw the lie, that it was profitable: and Murdoch divided the lie from the psychotic. And Murdoch called the lie Day, and the psychotic he called Primetime.”
Bless you Brother Brit. And may the Fox be with you.