Fox News Says: Jesus’ Real Father Was A Rapist, Claims Hollywood

Dateline: Hollywood, CA, 6/26/2012: Jesus’ Real Father Was A Rapist!

This startling proclamation has been reported by Fox News on their Fox Nation web site. The source for this shocking revelation was identified as “Hollywood.”

Fox Nation on Jesus of Hollywood

I wasn’t aware that Hollywood took official positions on spiritual matters. Was this the result of a vote by the Hollywood City Council (which doesn’t exist because Hollywood is not a city. It is a neighborhood within the city of Los Angeles)? Is there an official spokesperson for Hollywood who decides what Hollywood’s positions are? Is everyone in Hollywood now required to hold this position? And what about the people in Burbank where most of the business described as “Hollywood” actually takes place?


The inspiration for this story was the news that Dutch filmmaker, Paul Verhoeven (not from Hollywood), has succeeded after many years in getting a green light for his production, “Jesus of Nazareth.” It is an adaptation of his own book that reportedly includes speculation that Mary’s pregnancy might have been the result of her having been raped by a Roman soldier. The publisher describes the book saying…

“Paul Verhoeven disrobes the mythical Jesus to reveal a man who is, after all, startlingly familiar to us, a man who has much in common with other great political leaders throughout history, human beings who believed that change was coming in their lifetimes.

Gone is the Jesus of the miracles, gone the son of God, gone the weaver of arcane parables whose meanings are obscure. In their place Verhoeven gives us his vision of Jesus as a complete man, someone who was changed by events, the leader of a political movement, and, perhaps most importantly, someone who, in his speeches and sayings, introduced a new ethics in which enlightened behavior and the embrace of human contradictions transcend the mechanics of value and worth that had defined the material world before Jesus.”

Fox Nation credits the uber-rightist media-bashing site, NewsBusters, with bringing the story to Fox. NewsBusters credits Glenn Beck’s TheBlaze. So you know by that trail of bread crumbs that the story is legit. And who could argue with the assertion that Hollywood is unashamedly anti-Jesus? After all, they have only made thousands of films that venerate Christ from “The Greatest Story Ever Told” to “The Passion of the Christ,” and many more about revered figures in Christianity. Not to mention all the movies about Christmas, Easter, and other events deemed holy by church.

Nevertheless, the Fox Nationalists have deemed that, because a movie is being made about an alternative version of Christ’s life, and all movies represent the official view of Hollywood even though those movies have a broad diversity of differing opinions, that this is proof that it is Hollywood making the claim that Jesus’ father was a rapist. It makes perfect sense – if you’re a lobotomized crackhead – or a Fox News viewer.

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7 thoughts on “Fox News Says: Jesus’ Real Father Was A Rapist, Claims Hollywood

  1. In a way, even a Christian would have to agree that Jesus’ father was a rapist. After all, Mary was impregnated by God while she was already engaged to Joseph. And sending an angel to inform you that you will be carrying the Lord’s son, whether you like it or not, is hardly what you would call consensual.

    • Right, the Holy ghost was an Incubus. Think about it.

  2. And if you’re a lobotomized crackhead AND a Fox News viewer you’re really in trouble.

  3. Well if Verhoeven knows somebody who knows somebody who met somebody once who met Obama once that means Obama is palling around with the atheist anti-christ, anti-religious Hollywood elitists!!! I’m sure FN will have some such nonsense posted by tomorrow. These people are an absolute joke!

  4. Your’e missing the point. In right-wing dog whistle-speak, “Hollywood” means “the Jews.”

  5. This story is probably giving John Nolte the biggest rage boner since HBO decapitated President Bush for Game of Thrones.

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