The Man Who Calls The Elections For Fox News

Tomorrow is election day, children. It is one of the most cherished privileges of being an American citizen, and one of the most solemn responsibilities as well.

Many people take great pleasure from having the ability to help to choose who will lead our great nation, and they believe that by voting they are playing an important role in that choice. However, most are unaware that sometimes this process is not as straight forward as one might think.

After millions of well intentioned consumers citizens have gone to the polls to cast their votes, our friends in the media spend many minutes, and millions of dollars, figuring out who really won the election. They add up numbers given to them from computers and pollsters and other pundits, and when they are certain that they can make a reasonably close guess – BAM! – they announce it on television and America has a new president.

At the nation’s biggest and most dishonest cable TV news network, Fox News, the man in charge of making the final call sits in a busy TV studio with lots of electronic devices and a hotline to Republican campaign operatives. His name is John Moody, and he is also the Executive Vice President of the Fox News Channel. Mr. Moody’s job is so important that he gets to write memos every morning to tell all the news anchors what to talk about on that day (although Mr. Moody downplays this communication making the profound distinction that, “It’s not even called a ‘memo,’ it’s an editorial note.”) In one of these editorial notes that Mr. Moody distributed the day following the elections of 2006, he made some fascinating observations concerning the broad scope of victory enjoyed by the Democratic Party:

  • “The elections and Rumsfeld’s resignation were a major event but not the end of the world.”
  • “…let’s be on the lookout for any statements from the Iraqi insurgents, who must be thrilled at the prospect of a Dem-controlled congress.”
  • “The question of the day, and indeed for the rest of Bush’s term, is: ‘What’s the Dem plan for Iraq?’
  • “In the House, the newly empowered Dems will shed some fraternal blood before settling in.”
  • “Just because Dems won, the war on terror isn’t over.”

As you can see, Mr. Moody has a cheerful and sunny view of the disastrously rotten outcome produced by the majority of voters who all seem to have made the wrong decisions. We should all be grateful that people like Mr. Moody are on the job and looking out for us, even when we don’t know what is in our own best interest.

Good news, kiddies. Mr. Moody will be looking out for us again tomorrow. He will be the executive in charge of making the final call on all of the state presidential elections, and on the national race as well. This job may be easier this year because it appears that Mr. Moody already made the call. In a posting on his blog last week, he wrote about an alleged attack on a volunteer for John McCain’s campaign by an African-American thug who was also a Barack Obama supporter. Mr. Moody concluded the post saying that…

“If the incident turns out to be a hoax, Senator McCain’s quest for the presidency is over, forever linked to race-baiting.”

Well, it was hoax. That would settle the matter for most people, but at Fox News no one is ever accountable for anything they say. So Mr. Moody will take his place in the studio and prepare to make his call on who wins the presidency as if there were really any doubt.

It should be noted, however, that at Fox News there is always doubt. That comes from being able to make up the news as you go along, something the reporters at Fox News take great pride in. So if Mr. Moody wants to declare McCain the winner after Obama receives the majority of electoral votes, he may just do that. There is historical precedent for this. The man who called the election for Fox News in 2000, when George W. Bush was crowned, was John Ellis, Bush’s first cousin. So, as you see, news is whatever you want it to be, if you work for Fox.

Have fun tomorrow, children, and remember to vote. Just because Fox News doesn’t care about honest reporting or elections doesn’t mean you can’t still exercise your Constitutional rights. And be sure to keep an eye out for Mr. Moody’s morning memo on Wednesday to see how Fox will spin the landslide victory of Barack Obama, if they decide to report it at all.


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