[UPDATE 4/6/11:] Just a few days after this startling April 1st revelation was published, Glenn Beck and Fox News announced that Beck’s program will end later this year.
[BREAKING: April 1, 2011, New York, NY]
In recent weeks there has been growing speculation as to the future of Glenn Beck on Fox News. Several events seem to be foretelling an imminent severance between Fox and their resident End Times correspondent. For instance:
1) Beck’s ratings are in an unrelenting freefall. The latest quarterly numbers reveal that, compared to just one year ago, Beck has lost 30% of his total audience, and amongst viewers between the ages of 25-54 he’s dropped 37%. He was even bested by Rachel Maddow a couple of weeks ago.
2) David Carr of the New York Times reported that Fox insiders have begun “contemplating life without Mr. Beck.”
3) Joel Cheatwood, Fox’s dedicated executive nursemaid for Beck, is leaving Fox to join Beck’s production company, Mercury Radio Arts – a sign that the network no longer requires a minder for Beck.
4) When Beck was on vacation last month, Fox Business host Andrew Napolitano filled in for him and the ratings barely budged – a signal that Fox could replace Beck at any time without suffering any ill effects.
5) Growing numbers of conservatives are repudiating Beck’s increasingly bizarre conspiracy theories.
6) Seven radio stations have dropped Beck’s show this year (so far). This corroborates the weakness seen in his television ratings.
Apparently these facts are being taken very seriously in the Fox News executive suites. News Corpse has exclusively acquired a confidential memo that cryptically discusses the “WK Day 5pm” time period and lists potential hosts that are under consideration.
The document identifies ten notoriously conservative “candidates” that could conceivably fill Beck’s shoes. The list is duplicated below along with a brief appraisal of the candidate’s pros and cons.
- Ann Coulter
- Pro: Has her own wardrobe of short, black cocktail dresses.
- Con: Thinks she still looks good in short, black cocktail dresses.
- Steve Doocy
- Pro: Connects with the common man.
- Con: Connects even better with CroMagnon Man.
- Michele Bachmann
- Pro: Appeals to Tea Party movement.
- Con: Could send Sarah Palin into a jealous rampage.
- Andrew Breitbart
- Pro: Known for biting commentary.
- Con: Known for biting the heads off rats.
- Ted Nugent
- Pro: Might attract a younger demographic.
- Con: Might shoot random crew members for meat.
- Victoria Jackson
- Pro: Has wide recognition from being a Saturday Night Live comic in the late eighties.
- Con: Hasn’t actually made anyone laugh since.
- Alex Jones
- Pro: Would continue program’s emphasis on government corruption.
- Con: Believes Rupert Murdoch is complicit with government corruption.
- Christine O’Donnell
- Pro: Youthful good looks could turn advertising slump around.
- Con: Could turn staff into ferrets if angered.
- Rush Limbaugh
- Pro: Has a massive audience and a message made for television.
- Con: Has a massive ass and a face made for radio.
- Jon Voight
- Pro: Prestige of having an Oscar nominee on the schedule.
- Con: May be better to go with someone more coherent like Gary Busey.
This memo is the strongest evidence yet that Beck’s days are numbered. His contract expires at the end of the year, but there’s even money that he doesn’t even last that long. Perhaps this is what Beck is referring to when he warns of the Coming Insurrection. It isn’t so much a Perfect Storm that is threatening to engulf the world – just Beck’s world.