Humor

Fox News To Hire Judgment Day Preacher Harold Camping

Posted by on May 22, 2011 at 10:22 am. 15 Comments :

Pray for Fox NewsWith his latest prediction of Armageddon behind him, Judgment Day Preacher Harold Camping is looking forward to his new position at Fox News as a politics and religion commentator. The announcement of this addition to Fox’s roster of pundits came this morning from Fox Vice President and Washington managing editor Bill Sammon:

Sammon: We are pleased to begin what we believe will be a long and fruitful relationship with this distinguished observer of American culture, religion and society. Harold has a keen insight into current affairs and a connection to America’s faith-based community. He also has a predictive track record that fits squarely with the team at Fox News.

Sammon is quite correct in that assessment of Camping’s history of forecasting. He is at least as accurate as the stars on the network. For instance:

  • Bill Kristol predicted in 2003 that “American and alliance forces will be welcomed in Baghdad as liberators.” In 2008 he predicted that “Barack Obama is not going to beat Hillary Clinton in a single Democratic primary.”
  • Glenn Beck predicted an economic collapse in November of 2009 and warned his viewers to “find the exit closet to you and prepare for a crash landing. Be prepared, it’s coming. Most likely after Christmas, you’ll start seeing the effects of what they are doing to the economy.” The Dow is up 25%, and unemployment down 10% since then.
  • Newt Gingrich’s prediction about a post-Iraq war was that “once you don’t have Saddam Hussein in Iraq […] the Syrians will start backing down and the Iranians will start backing down.”
  • Dick Morris predicted the candidates for the 2008 race for president would be Hillary Clinton vs. Condoleezza Rice.
  • Sarah Palin predicted that the result of passage of the health care bill would mean that “my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s ‘death panel.'”
  • Cal Thomas Predicted that “euthanasia is coming. You can call them death panels. That’s exactly what they’re going to be.”

A couple of weeks ago a study was released that showed that most pundits are only right in their prognostications about 50% of the time. The numbers were even worse for conservative pundits who, according to the researchers, were wrong more often than liberals.

Camping, a popular Christian radio broadcaster, could flow smoothly into Fox’s lineup. He shares most of the editorial slant favored by the network’s veterans. When reached for comment he said…

“What? Fox News? Oh yeah. Me and Roger [Ailes, CEO of Fox News] had lunch and discussed the return of Jesus. The world is ending, you know? What date is it? Could someone shut the window?”

That’s why Camping should fit right in with the rest of Fox’s commentators. There is certainly nothing in his past that would indicate that he would lower Fox’s average for accurate forecasting. He might even be a good replacement for the departing Glenn Beck. His areas of interest (politics, morality, the end of all human existence) match closely Beck’s favorite subject matter. In fact, with a little make up, Beck’s audience may not even be able to tell the difference.

Join Glenn Beck In Jerusalem For A Special Presentation of Armageddon

Posted by on May 20, 2011 at 5:30 pm. 15 Comments :


[Below are excerpts from Glenn Beck’s VISIT JERUSALEM web site. You can read these selected segments here or click the link above for the complete experience.]

Join Glenn In Jerusalem
Coming this August, Glenn Beck is inviting you to join him on a once-in-a-lifetime pilgrimage to the holiest of lands – ISRAEL.

If you listen to Glenn on the radio, or watch him on TV, you already know that he is a stalwart supporter of the people and nation of Israel, and their role in the fate of mankind. He is an almost solitary voice advocating for a stronger partnership with the United States and in opposition to any proposal that would recognize the sovereignty of the Palestinian heathens occupying Israel’s West Bank and Gaza Strip.

Restoring CourageGlenn knows that Israel is an essential component of God’s plan for the world. He knows that without Israel there will be no Apocalypse. Therefore it is a vital duty for all Christians to protect Israel so that it can be destroyed and God can raise the faithful up to Heaven.

Glenn stands alone in his commitment to the glory of God and his Divine Will. He takes pride in his condemnation of apostate Jews like Nazi-collaborator George Soros. He courageously took on the Jewish Reform movement (the largest denomination of Jews in America) and exposed them as being no different than radical Islamists. He has featured books by renowned scholars like Elizabeth Dilling despite critics who would snub her writing just because of her overt anti-Semitism and Nazi sympathies.

Yes, Glenn stands alone, but he stands for you. And this is your chance to stand with Glenn, and therefore with God. There’s going to be a lot of standing going on. So know where you stand and what you stand for and where God wants you to stand and what your standing is in His plan. Because God won’t stand for anything less.

Why Restore Courage?
Last August Glenn held a rally in Washington, D.C. to Restore Honor. Before that amazing day there was precious little honor to be found. Now just look at all the honor overgrowing America like a hormonal kudzu. Now Glenn has recognized the critical absence of courage here at home and in the Mid-east’s notoriously coward-ridden nation of Israel. But Glenn, having received instructions from God, is here to Restore Courage or die trying. Here is what Glenn has had to say about this divine mission on which he is about to embark:

  • When I first had this idea, what I saw in my head was a global shockwave. It will ripple across the earth.
  • Possibly for the first time in man’s history, God will remember and make note of what we do there.
  • This is a life-changing, life-altering event.
  • This will be a pinnacle moment in your life. It will define you. In the end it will define you.
  • I want you to know, the very gates of Hell are going to open up against us.
  • It will be expensive to get there. It might be dangerous.
  • Will my event hurt foreign policy of the U.S.? I damn well hope so now.
  • If Israel falls the western way of life falls. That’s not hyperbole.
  • This may be it for our generation or for all mankind.
  • I will stand, I will speak, and in the end, if it be His will, I will die right alongside my brother.

It could not be any clearer. This is a holy pilgrimage to Heaven’s doorstep. This is your opportunity stand with Glenn as he is crucified before the all-seeing eye of television. Yes, you can be there with him as history is made, and maybe ended.


[There’s More! Click here to go to the VISIT JERUSALEM web site for complete details. You will learn about Glenn’s guests and sponsors and what it will set you back to attend. Share it with your friends and family, and conceal from that guy down the street that you never really liked.]

Jon Stewart Slams Fox News’ Commotion Over Common

Posted by on May 12, 2011 at 3:55 am. 6 Comments :

It’s been a few days since Fox News had some ridiculously irrelevant, phony scandal to trump up over President Obama. With the release of the birth certificate and Osama Bin Laden being lost at sea, Fox was running out of distractions to the wildly unpopular GOP proposal to end Medicare and Obama’s rising poll ratings. Lucky for them Michelle Obama provided an opening by inviting rapper Common to a White House event promoting poetry to children.

The ensuing controversy was built on a thoroughly dishonest representation of the lyrics to a Common rhyme from 2007. In typical fashion, Fox Breitbarted Common by truncating his words. The allegedly violent verse that outraged everyone at Fox was really just a poetic description of reality in some communities that ended with this call for peace:

“No time for that cause there’s things to be done. Stay true to what I do so the youth dream come.”

That, however, didn’t stop Fox from riling up their gullible audience with a campaign to elicit fear of this African-American artist and to transfer that fear to the President. You know, the Halfrican Marxist from Kenya. Fox Nation posted eight separate stories on this subject. It is clearly more important to them than the economy, the war on terror, or even Newt Gingrich’s ill-fated presidential campaign.


Thank goodness for Jon Stewart who, once again, managed to put this nonsense in perspective by demonstrating the hypocrisy of Fox and the other hyperventilating martinets of virtue.

Jon Stewart’s Tone Def Poetry Jam Part 1:

Jon Stewart’s Tone Def Poetry Jam Part 2:

Maybe now we can get back to the truly important issues like Bristol Palin’s plastic surgery.

[Update] The Fox Nationalists posted two more stories about Common this morning, for a total of ten to date. In the same time frame Fox Nation posted one (that’s 1) story about the disastrous flooding on the Mississippi. Says something about their priorities, doesn’t it?

Osama Bin Laden’s Death Certificate

Posted by on May 2, 2011 at 9:50 am. 12 Comments :

For the non-believers who watch way too much Fox News:


This may seem unnecessary, but I have already seen comments at Fox Nation by “morans” who doubt that Osama Bin Laden is dead. They argue that since Obama has already released phony copies of his birth certificate, why wouldn’t he lie about this too? They demand evidence: certificates; photos; a body; DNA. They think the sea burial is part of the plot to cover up the hoax.

But what would they do with the evidence? Would they accept a certificate of death? Will they conduct their own DNA analysis in a lab in their basement? The real question is: Will they ever get the psychiatric help they need so badly?

On another matter, Sarah Palin posted a message on her Facebook page that thanked everybody but President Obama. She even used weaselly code language to thank those who “laid the groundwork over the years to make this victory possible.” That’s code for the Bush administration and anyone but Obama. Stay classy Sarah.

History will forever record that President Barack Hussein Obama was responsible for bringing Osama Bin Laden to justice. Not George Bush. Not Zombie Reagan. Not Donald Trump. Not Sarah Palin. This is driving the wackoid wingnuts crazy(er).

Donald Trump’s Skin Is Thinner Than His Hair [Update: Trump Responds]

Posted by on May 1, 2011 at 11:25 am. 12 Comments :

At the White House Correspondent’s Dinner, Seth Meyers mocked both President Obama and Donald Trump. Obama laughed heartily. Trump seethed openly. Clearly he can’t take joke.

Trump’s petulant absence of humor is funnier than Meyers’ jokes. This guy is so full of himself he doesn’t have the good sense to pretend to laugh even though he knows he is on camera. Obviously he is not accustomed to being the butt of jokes. Can you imagine if someone with his emotionally stunted temperament were president? If Sarkozy made a friendly wisecrack Trump would nuke Paris.

[Update] After proving at the dinner that he is an insufferable ass, Trump runs to Fox News this morning to whine to the Fox & Friends Day Care kids that it was a “liberal room” and then blasts Meyers:

“I thought Seth Meyers – his delivery frankly was not good. He’s a stutterer.”

Really? Now he’s resorting to playground taunts? What a pathetic display of immaturity. Trump was obviously unprepared for the attention and seems to believe that he’s unassailable. Before the dinner he was asked by ABC News if he thought that Obama would have any Trump jokes and he said “I wouldn’t think [Obama] would address me.” Good call, Kreskin. Then afterwords he lies saying “Well, I really understood what I was getting into.” Apparently not. And the lameness of his response escalated after that with a ludicrous stab at empathy with the economic travails of ordinary citizens:

“I was certainly in a certain way having a good time listening. I don’t think the American people are having a good time with $5 gas. I was thinking to myself as they were doing this, you know, the American people are really suffering and we’re all [having fun at a gala].”

That didn’t stop him from attending the gala. And if he was thinking about suffering Americans while cavorting with the politicians and celebrities at this event, what does he think about while lounging around in his penthouse or sailing his yacht? Does he really expect that he will be the candidate of the struggling masses when what he is best known for is firing people during a time of high unemployment? That should appeal to distressed voters.

How appropriate that his candidacy is being brought down by a comedian. He really is a joke.

Watch Out Fox News: FTC Seeks To Halt Fake News Sites

Posted by on April 19, 2011 at 2:19 pm. 5 Comments :

Fox NewsFrom the Federal Trade Commission,
April 19, 2011:

“The Federal Trade Commission is requesting federal courts to temporarily halt the allegedly deceptive tactics of 10 operations using fake news websites […] According to the FTC, the defendants operate websites that are meant to appear as if they belong to legitimate news-gathering
organizations, but in reality the sites are simply advertisements aimed at deceptively enticing consumers…”

Fox News is not one of the ten operations cited in this action, but given the description of the violations, could they be far behind? The FTC is taking aggressive steps toward reigning in deceptive practices that “attempt to portray an objective, journalistic endeavor,” says David Vladeck, Director of the FTC’s Bureau of Consumer Protection. “Almost everything about these sites is fake.”

If that is the basis for this action, then Fox News ought to be the next target of the FTC’s investigative unit. They blatantly endeavor to portray themselves as a legitimate news-gathering organization while deliberately deceiving viewers. They employ anchors who openly advocate for political issues and candidates despite claiming to be “fair and balanced,” a slogan that in itself violates the FTC’s truth-in-advertising statutes. In fact, some of their paid contributors are actually candidates themselves.

The Fox network is notorious for making false claims that misinform viewers and produce tangible harm. For instance, they spent weeks promoting heavily edited videos that defamed the community service organization, ACORN. They served as the PR agency for Tea Party interests and events. They disparaged health care reform as socialistic. During that debate a memo from Fox’s Washington managing editor instructed his staff to refrain from using the term “public option” because focus group testing had proven that “government-run” would produce a more negative response.

Even with routine reporting that is objectively factual, Fox purposely manipulated their broadcasts. They reported falsely that President Obama spent $2 billion on an overseas trade mission. They invented stories about the Department of Justice declining to prosecute civil rights cases if the plaintiff was white (and then failed to report that those allegations were proven false by an independent Congressional study). And on more than one occasion their anchor scripts and on-screen charts reversed the numbers for polling to show that the President, or the Democratic position, was disfavored by respondents when the actual poll result was the opposite.

To be clear, the FTC actions in the announcement above were taken in response to complaints levied about companies marketing acai berries for weight loss. But are the allegations really that different? If there is an institutional objection to fake news operations selling dubious nutritional products, wouldn’t it be even more critical to police fake news operations selling lies that could influence legislation and elections that impact millions of lives?

I don’t expect to see the FTC halting fake news operations like Fox any time soon. But it would be nice if they could prohibit the word “news” from being used in conjunction with such an operation. And if phony programs that misrepresent weight loss can be regulated to protect consumers, then why not phony programs that misrepresent news?

Donald Trump Is Too Modest

Posted by on April 11, 2011 at 3:47 pm. 7 Comments :

On Fox & Friends this morning, Donald Trump displayed the vastness of his elephantine ego. The man who is so stupid that he has to keep telling people that he thinks he’s smart; so incompetent that he has to keep asserting that he would be the bestest president ever; that man is now convinced that he is the sole target of the President’s wrath.

Donald Trump: Obviously I hit a nerve because they’re fighting me. I don’t hear them talking about Mr. Pawlenty or anybody else. They’re talking only about Trump. I can tell you, I’m their worst nightmare.

The “Donald” is far too modest. He is the whole nation’s worst nightmare. Trump was reacting to comments made by Obama advisor David Plouffe regarding Trump’s polling and his obsession with Obama’s birth certificate. Of course the Fox & Friends folks clipped off the question that Plouffe was asked:

Christianne Amanpour: What do you make of Donald Trump raising this [birth certificate] issue? Do you think it’s going to be a big issue in the campaign?
David Plouffe: I don’t. I saw Donald Trump sort of rising in the polls, and given his behavior and spectacle I hope he keeps on rising. Because there’s zero chance that Donald Trump would ever be hired by the American people to do this job.

So Trump had not hit any nerve, Plouffe was merely answering a question. He wasn’t the one who brought it up and his answer made it clear that he couldn’t care less about Trump, except insofar as the pleasure he would get from running against the bumbling billionaire.

For the record, the only polls in which Trump is rising are with Republican primary voters. His numbers amongst the whole electorate are near the bottom along with Sarah Palin. And if he thinks he’s going to get anywhere by designating himself Obama’s worst nightmare, take a look at some other candidates who have laid claim to that role:


If Trump is intent on joining this fraternity of losers, he has my wholehearted support.

The Palin/Bachmann 2012 Music Video

Posted by on April 5, 2011 at 2:49 pm. NO Comments :

Actor D.C. Douglas has produced and released an online music video today entitled “A Sarah Palin/Michele Bachman Ticket” in an effort to galvanize the Tea Party and ultraconservative Republican base. The music video features imagery of America’s Founding Fathers against a political anthem for the GOP primary race and an ultimate Sarah Palin/Michele Bachmann ticket.

You may remember Douglas from having been fired by GEICO for having left a disparaging voicemail for the folks at FreedomWorks.

LEAKED MEMO: Fox News Considers Glenn Beck’s Replacements

Posted by on April 1, 2011 at 10:49 am. 15 Comments :

[UPDATE 4/6/11:] Just a few days after this startling April 1st revelation was published, Glenn Beck and Fox News announced that Beck’s program will end later this year.

[BREAKING: April 1, 2011, New York, NY]
In recent weeks there has been growing speculation as to the future of Glenn Beck on Fox News. Several events seem to be foretelling an imminent severance between Fox and their resident End Times correspondent. For instance:

1) Beck’s ratings are in an unrelenting freefall. The latest quarterly numbers reveal that, compared to just one year ago, Beck has lost 30% of his total audience, and amongst viewers between the ages of 25-54 he’s dropped 37%. He was even bested by Rachel Maddow a couple of weeks ago.

2) David Carr of the New York Times reported that Fox insiders have begun “contemplating life without Mr. Beck.”

3) Joel Cheatwood, Fox’s dedicated executive nursemaid for Beck, is leaving Fox to join Beck’s production company, Mercury Radio Arts – a sign that the network no longer requires a minder for Beck.

4) When Beck was on vacation last month, Fox Business host Andrew Napolitano filled in for him and the ratings barely budged – a signal that Fox could replace Beck at any time without suffering any ill effects.

5) Growing numbers of conservatives are repudiating Beck’s increasingly bizarre conspiracy theories.

6) Seven radio stations have dropped Beck’s show this year (so far). This corroborates the weakness seen in his television ratings.

Apparently these facts are being taken very seriously in the Fox News executive suites. News Corpse has exclusively acquired a confidential memo that cryptically discusses the “WK Day 5pm” time period and lists potential hosts that are under consideration.


The document identifies ten notoriously conservative “candidates” that could conceivably fill Beck’s shoes. The list is duplicated below along with a brief appraisal of the candidate’s pros and cons.

  • Ann Coulter
    • Pro: Has her own wardrobe of short, black cocktail dresses.
    • Con: Thinks she still looks good in short, black cocktail dresses.
  • Steve Doocy
    • Pro: Connects with the common man.
    • Con: Connects even better with CroMagnon Man.
  • Michele Bachmann
    • Pro: Appeals to Tea Party movement.
    • Con: Could send Sarah Palin into a jealous rampage.
  • Andrew Breitbart
    • Pro: Known for biting commentary.
    • Con: Known for biting the heads off rats.
  • Ted Nugent
    • Pro: Might attract a younger demographic.
    • Con: Might shoot random crew members for meat.
  • Victoria Jackson
    • Pro: Has wide recognition from being a Saturday Night Live comic in the late eighties.
    • Con: Hasn’t actually made anyone laugh since.
  • Alex Jones
    • Pro: Would continue program’s emphasis on government corruption.
    • Con: Believes Rupert Murdoch is complicit with government corruption.
  • Christine O’Donnell
    • Pro: Youthful good looks could turn advertising slump around.
    • Con: Could turn staff into ferrets if angered.
  • Rush Limbaugh
    • Pro: Has a massive audience and a message made for television.
    • Con: Has a massive ass and a face made for radio.
  • Jon Voight
    • Pro: Prestige of having an Oscar nominee on the schedule.
    • Con: May be better to go with someone more coherent like Gary Busey.

This memo is the strongest evidence yet that Beck’s days are numbered. His contract expires at the end of the year, but there’s even money that he doesn’t even last that long. Perhaps this is what Beck is referring to when he warns of the Coming Insurrection. It isn’t so much a Perfect Storm that is threatening to engulf the world – just Beck’s world.

Fox News, GOP Falling Into Obama’s Trap

Posted by on March 31, 2011 at 10:11 am. 4 Comments :

Our Kenyan, socialist, terrorist sympathizing, tele-prompted President is apparently also a devious, evil mastermind. Despite frequent assertions from the right that he is an incompetent, inexperienced, failure, he has somehow managed to lure Fox News and innumerable Republican politicians and pundits into his web of deceit, reducing them to nothing more than his unwitting lackeys.

The talk about whether or not Barack Obama is a citizen of the United States with a valid birth certificate to prove it has accelerated in recent days. Fox News anchors and guests are ratcheting up the speculation as to his eligibility to serve as president. The Birther Brigade, led by conspiratorialists at WorldNetDaily, believe that they are on a crusade to rescue America from an evil, dark-skinned, interloper, but now another leader of the white-wing suspects something even more insidious:

Karl Rove: Barack Obama wants Republicans to fall into this trap because he knows it discredits us with the vast majority of the American people when they do.

That’s right. All the talk of Obama’s birth certificate is part of an over-arching plot to bring down the Republican Party. And with the vast majority of that talk emanating from Republicans you can see the danger inherent in this brilliant scheme. Obama has GOP candidates, Fox News analysts, and much of the Tea Party effectively doing his bidding as they sabotage their own agenda. Just last night on the Bill O’Reilly program Donald Trump escalated his Birther rhetoric:

“People have birth certificates. He [Obama] doesn’t have a birth certificate. He may have one but there’s something on that, maybe religion, maybe it says he is a Muslim.”

Who knew that Republican presidential candidates could so easily be suckered into phony White House plots? Who knew that the president Rush Limbaugh refers to as a “man-child” (a synonym for “boy”) could execute such a sophisticated strategy to destroy his enemies? And who knew that so many supposedly intelligent, conservative, patriots would succumb to his scheme?

Who knew? Only the omnipotent Obama. And maybe George Soros.