Humor

How To Be A Media Magnet: Cutting Through The Clutter

Posted by on June 22, 2011 at 11:11 am. 4 Comments :

The state of contemporary journalism is widely regarded as defective by consumers and critics representing a broad diversity of opinion. It seems that the media has no constituency defending its professional lethargy and its reliance on sensationalism and melodrama.

The past few weeks have provided comprehensive instructions on how to be an utterly frivolous and ineffective news industry. When Americans are desperate for information about pressing issues concerning jobs, the economy, health and Medicare, and national security, they are left wanting as the major news enterprises dump loads of salacious gossip, celebrity gaffes, and lurid tales of criminal miscreants. Just trying to be heard over the caterwaul of crapola that passes for news is an Olympian feat. If it isn’t a lewd lawmaker (Anthony Weiner) flooding the airwaves, it’s a murderous mom (Casey Anthony), one of thousands of murderers, but the only one that seems to garner any attention.

Recent surveys have shown that the media is not covering the issues that the people are most interested in. The audience has made its preference clear: they want substance, not sleaze. But the media tone-deafness was demonstrated exquisitely when all three cable news networks cut away from Nancy Pelosi, the Democratic Leader of the House of Representatives, after she informed them that she would only be addressing questions regarding jobs and the economy, and not Rep. Weiner. As is becoming routine, a non-news personality summed it up best by playing a video clip of CNN’s Wolf Blitzer expressing his reluctance to cover the titillating trivialities of the day:

Wolf Blitzer: We’ve covered these kinds of stories, It’s not a pleasure for us. It’s not something we look forward to. I’d much rather be discussing economic issues, jobs, the future of Medicare, national security issues, than talking about this.

Jon Stewart: [Incredulously] What’s stopping you?!

In an effort to enhance the public’s access to the stories that actually impact their lives, I am offering this tutorial on how to get appropriate coverage of the critical matters that face our nation. It is not enough to be brilliantly articulate about a position or to make a coherent case for a policy. You must grab the attention away from the media whores and their enablers in the press corps. Here is how to do just that in a handy shareable infographic guide:


Now get out there and make some news.

Republicans Can’t Take A Joke – Unless It’s Racist

Posted by on June 19, 2011 at 11:53 am. 8 Comments :

Much of the political press is buzzing today over the appearance of an Obama impersonator at the Republican Leadership Conference yesterday.

Reggie Brown took the stage and immediately endeared himself to the audience by taking a shot at Al Gore. This was followed by a long string of “self”-deprecating jokes aimed at President Obama, many of which straddled a racially precarious line.

The audience was unfazed by most of it, laughing heartily at jokes that portrayed the President as Fred Sanford or noted that he only celebrated half of Black History Month. The act was well received by the predominantly white audience with only scattered groans arising when Anthony Weiner’s groin was displayed on the big screen.

Eventually, however, Brown’s act was cut short by an official of the RLC and he was escorted off stage. For the most part the press has uniformly misinterpreted this as being the result of his “racially-tinged” material. But as I noted above, the audience was enjoying the race-based jokes. The boos began when Brown turned to the Republican field of presidential candidates. The first sign of trouble was a joke about Newt Gingrich’s faltering campaign. It escalated with references to Mitt Romney and the Mormon practice of polygamy. And the hook actually came in the middle of a bit on Michele Bachmann. See for yourself:

Clearly the act was aborted when the sensitivities of the crowd were challenged by material aimed at their standard bearers. It was not the racial material, which they welcomed with guffaws. Even Charlie Davis, the CEO of the RLC who made the decision to pull the plug, admitted that the beginning of the routine -the racially suspect part – was funny:

“I just thought he had gone too far,” Davis said. “He was funny the first 10 or 15 minutes, but it was inappropriate, it was getting ridiculous.”

What did he expect? If a comedian is going to impersonate Obama wouldn’t the President crack jokes about his opponents? The character demands that he do so. Personally, I wasn’t offended by any of the material, although I think that it may have been more appropriate for a more racially diverse audience. There was something about these jokes being delivered to such a uniformly white crowd that was uncomfortable. But Brown was not the one responsible for the act’s failure. It was the dumbass Republican operatives who thought that hiring Brown would go over well with this crowd.

Republicans are notoriously deficient of the humor gene. They’ve tried on numerous occasions to develop an answer to The Daily Show with zero success. Their comedic heroes are pathetic wannabes like Dennis Miller, Greg Gutfield, or even Glenn Beck. Part of the problem is that they simply can’t laugh at themselves. The most embarrassing thing about this event was not a misfiring Obama impersonator. It is that they yanked the comic for lighthearted pokes at the GOP, but sat through and appreciated borderline racist material.

CORRECTION: The most embarrassing thing about this event were the speeches by the actual Republican candidates and their supporters.

[Update] Reggie Brown tells CNN that he was cut off because he went over his allotted time. At least that’s what the RLC told him. But of course, they lied. The RLC president had already made this statement acknowledging that Brown was yanked for the content of his act:

“I just thought he had gone too far. He was funny the first 10 or 15 minutes, but it was inappropriate, it was getting ridiculous.”

Brown should seek a clarification. They are slandering him and lying about it. But I guess that’s force of habit for Republicans. They do that to Democrats every day.

Palin: The Next Generation

Posted by on June 18, 2011 at 1:18 pm. 1 Comments :

For anyone who was worried, the legacy of Alaska’s first failed VP candidate and half-term governor, Sarah Palin, will continue with her daughter, reality TV darling, Bristol. Next week her long-unawaited autobiography, “Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far,” will hit bookstores promising to reveal all of the unsolved mysteries that have befuddled Palintoligists for … well, not for all that long, actually. Mysteries like: Just how drunk was Bristol when “the gnat named Levi Johnston” stole her virtue?

Historians must be frantic with anticipation over this upcoming book. Bristol’s “journey so far” is jam-packed with milestone events that define the American Dream. Events like having defeated David Hasselhoff in a dance contest (an accomplish greater than any her famous Mama Grizzly ever achieved). And then there was … um … OK, that’s about it. The real achievement is on the part of her co-author, Nancy French, who managed to stretch Bristol’s thin life story to 272 pages. There’s a lot of room there for scornful retaliations against ex-boyfriends and recollections of campaign trail shopping sprees.

Bristol Palin Levi JohnstonHowever, Bristol may not want to get over-confident about her status of cultural superiority. Levi Johnston has his own book coming out in September titled, “Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs.” Obviously, this is going to be a summer of literary enrichment. The two books occupy opposite poles of the political sideshow spectrum, at least so far as the titles are concerned. Bristol’s book extols her lack of fear, while Levi’s is analogically frozen in it.

If I thought that these defective progeny were representative of America’s youth I would be stockpiling Prozac. Gratefully, that is not the case. The only thing we have to worry about from the Palin dynasty is an endless stream of reality shows. Look for the Palin’s to appear soon on Extreme Makeover, Celebrity Apprentice, or most likely of all, The Biggest Loser.

Sarah Palin: From Grizzly Mama To Harley Mama

Posted by on May 31, 2011 at 10:59 am. 2 Comments :

The Fox News Party candidate for president and former half-term governor, Sarah Palin, did what she does best this Memorial Day weekend: Exploit others to promote herself.


Palin and Fox are playing an unethical and dishonest game to fatten their wallets. When will Fox News either admit that they know she isn’t running for president, or take her off the air until she comes clean? And more importantly, when will the brain-dead media stop salivating every time the Palin bell rings? The press has no more business hyping substanceless photo-ops for Sarah Palin than they would for Ronald McDonald.

By the way, what’s the difference between Fox News and McDonald’s? One sells cheap crap with lots of filler & seasoning to masses with no taste. The other is a fast food restaurant.

[Update] Palin spoke to Greta Van Susteren of Fox News (of course) and complained about the media saying “this isn’t a campaign tour.” and that “it’s not about me, it’s not a publicity-seeking tour.” Of course not. She is only traveling around in a massive custom bus with full exterior graphics of herself and her non-campaign logo, One Nation (stolen from the union rally last year in Washington, D.C.). Clearly she just wants to be left alone.

Palin also said “I’m like A) I don’t think I owe anything to the mainstream media.” First of all, I want to point out that there was no B or C, etc. She keeps her lists short as befits her attention span. Secondly, I agree with her. she doesn’t owe anything to the mainstream media, and they owe nothing to her. Stop following her, dumbasses!

Fox News To Hire Judgment Day Preacher Harold Camping

Posted by on May 22, 2011 at 10:22 am. 15 Comments :

Pray for Fox NewsWith his latest prediction of Armageddon behind him, Judgment Day Preacher Harold Camping is looking forward to his new position at Fox News as a politics and religion commentator. The announcement of this addition to Fox’s roster of pundits came this morning from Fox Vice President and Washington managing editor Bill Sammon:

Sammon: We are pleased to begin what we believe will be a long and fruitful relationship with this distinguished observer of American culture, religion and society. Harold has a keen insight into current affairs and a connection to America’s faith-based community. He also has a predictive track record that fits squarely with the team at Fox News.

Sammon is quite correct in that assessment of Camping’s history of forecasting. He is at least as accurate as the stars on the network. For instance:

  • Bill Kristol predicted in 2003 that “American and alliance forces will be welcomed in Baghdad as liberators.” In 2008 he predicted that “Barack Obama is not going to beat Hillary Clinton in a single Democratic primary.”
  • Glenn Beck predicted an economic collapse in November of 2009 and warned his viewers to “find the exit closet to you and prepare for a crash landing. Be prepared, it’s coming. Most likely after Christmas, you’ll start seeing the effects of what they are doing to the economy.” The Dow is up 25%, and unemployment down 10% since then.
  • Newt Gingrich’s prediction about a post-Iraq war was that “once you don’t have Saddam Hussein in Iraq […] the Syrians will start backing down and the Iranians will start backing down.”
  • Dick Morris predicted the candidates for the 2008 race for president would be Hillary Clinton vs. Condoleezza Rice.
  • Sarah Palin predicted that the result of passage of the health care bill would mean that “my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s ‘death panel.'”
  • Cal Thomas Predicted that “euthanasia is coming. You can call them death panels. That’s exactly what they’re going to be.”

A couple of weeks ago a study was released that showed that most pundits are only right in their prognostications about 50% of the time. The numbers were even worse for conservative pundits who, according to the researchers, were wrong more often than liberals.

Camping, a popular Christian radio broadcaster, could flow smoothly into Fox’s lineup. He shares most of the editorial slant favored by the network’s veterans. When reached for comment he said…

“What? Fox News? Oh yeah. Me and Roger [Ailes, CEO of Fox News] had lunch and discussed the return of Jesus. The world is ending, you know? What date is it? Could someone shut the window?”

That’s why Camping should fit right in with the rest of Fox’s commentators. There is certainly nothing in his past that would indicate that he would lower Fox’s average for accurate forecasting. He might even be a good replacement for the departing Glenn Beck. His areas of interest (politics, morality, the end of all human existence) match closely Beck’s favorite subject matter. In fact, with a little make up, Beck’s audience may not even be able to tell the difference.

Join Glenn Beck In Jerusalem For A Special Presentation of Armageddon

Posted by on May 20, 2011 at 5:30 pm. 15 Comments :


[Below are excerpts from Glenn Beck’s VISIT JERUSALEM web site. You can read these selected segments here or click the link above for the complete experience.]

Join Glenn In Jerusalem
Coming this August, Glenn Beck is inviting you to join him on a once-in-a-lifetime pilgrimage to the holiest of lands – ISRAEL.

If you listen to Glenn on the radio, or watch him on TV, you already know that he is a stalwart supporter of the people and nation of Israel, and their role in the fate of mankind. He is an almost solitary voice advocating for a stronger partnership with the United States and in opposition to any proposal that would recognize the sovereignty of the Palestinian heathens occupying Israel’s West Bank and Gaza Strip.

Restoring CourageGlenn knows that Israel is an essential component of God’s plan for the world. He knows that without Israel there will be no Apocalypse. Therefore it is a vital duty for all Christians to protect Israel so that it can be destroyed and God can raise the faithful up to Heaven.

Glenn stands alone in his commitment to the glory of God and his Divine Will. He takes pride in his condemnation of apostate Jews like Nazi-collaborator George Soros. He courageously took on the Jewish Reform movement (the largest denomination of Jews in America) and exposed them as being no different than radical Islamists. He has featured books by renowned scholars like Elizabeth Dilling despite critics who would snub her writing just because of her overt anti-Semitism and Nazi sympathies.

Yes, Glenn stands alone, but he stands for you. And this is your chance to stand with Glenn, and therefore with God. There’s going to be a lot of standing going on. So know where you stand and what you stand for and where God wants you to stand and what your standing is in His plan. Because God won’t stand for anything less.

Why Restore Courage?
Last August Glenn held a rally in Washington, D.C. to Restore Honor. Before that amazing day there was precious little honor to be found. Now just look at all the honor overgrowing America like a hormonal kudzu. Now Glenn has recognized the critical absence of courage here at home and in the Mid-east’s notoriously coward-ridden nation of Israel. But Glenn, having received instructions from God, is here to Restore Courage or die trying. Here is what Glenn has had to say about this divine mission on which he is about to embark:

  • When I first had this idea, what I saw in my head was a global shockwave. It will ripple across the earth.
  • Possibly for the first time in man’s history, God will remember and make note of what we do there.
  • This is a life-changing, life-altering event.
  • This will be a pinnacle moment in your life. It will define you. In the end it will define you.
  • I want you to know, the very gates of Hell are going to open up against us.
  • It will be expensive to get there. It might be dangerous.
  • Will my event hurt foreign policy of the U.S.? I damn well hope so now.
  • If Israel falls the western way of life falls. That’s not hyperbole.
  • This may be it for our generation or for all mankind.
  • I will stand, I will speak, and in the end, if it be His will, I will die right alongside my brother.

It could not be any clearer. This is a holy pilgrimage to Heaven’s doorstep. This is your opportunity stand with Glenn as he is crucified before the all-seeing eye of television. Yes, you can be there with him as history is made, and maybe ended.


[There’s More! Click here to go to the VISIT JERUSALEM web site for complete details. You will learn about Glenn’s guests and sponsors and what it will set you back to attend. Share it with your friends and family, and conceal from that guy down the street that you never really liked.]

Jon Stewart Slams Fox News’ Commotion Over Common

Posted by on May 12, 2011 at 3:55 am. 6 Comments :

It’s been a few days since Fox News had some ridiculously irrelevant, phony scandal to trump up over President Obama. With the release of the birth certificate and Osama Bin Laden being lost at sea, Fox was running out of distractions to the wildly unpopular GOP proposal to end Medicare and Obama’s rising poll ratings. Lucky for them Michelle Obama provided an opening by inviting rapper Common to a White House event promoting poetry to children.

The ensuing controversy was built on a thoroughly dishonest representation of the lyrics to a Common rhyme from 2007. In typical fashion, Fox Breitbarted Common by truncating his words. The allegedly violent verse that outraged everyone at Fox was really just a poetic description of reality in some communities that ended with this call for peace:

“No time for that cause there’s things to be done. Stay true to what I do so the youth dream come.”

That, however, didn’t stop Fox from riling up their gullible audience with a campaign to elicit fear of this African-American artist and to transfer that fear to the President. You know, the Halfrican Marxist from Kenya. Fox Nation posted eight separate stories on this subject. It is clearly more important to them than the economy, the war on terror, or even Newt Gingrich’s ill-fated presidential campaign.


Thank goodness for Jon Stewart who, once again, managed to put this nonsense in perspective by demonstrating the hypocrisy of Fox and the other hyperventilating martinets of virtue.

Jon Stewart’s Tone Def Poetry Jam Part 1:

Jon Stewart’s Tone Def Poetry Jam Part 2:

Maybe now we can get back to the truly important issues like Bristol Palin’s plastic surgery.

[Update] The Fox Nationalists posted two more stories about Common this morning, for a total of ten to date. In the same time frame Fox Nation posted one (that’s 1) story about the disastrous flooding on the Mississippi. Says something about their priorities, doesn’t it?

Osama Bin Laden’s Death Certificate

Posted by on May 2, 2011 at 9:50 am. 12 Comments :

For the non-believers who watch way too much Fox News:


This may seem unnecessary, but I have already seen comments at Fox Nation by “morans” who doubt that Osama Bin Laden is dead. They argue that since Obama has already released phony copies of his birth certificate, why wouldn’t he lie about this too? They demand evidence: certificates; photos; a body; DNA. They think the sea burial is part of the plot to cover up the hoax.

But what would they do with the evidence? Would they accept a certificate of death? Will they conduct their own DNA analysis in a lab in their basement? The real question is: Will they ever get the psychiatric help they need so badly?

On another matter, Sarah Palin posted a message on her Facebook page that thanked everybody but President Obama. She even used weaselly code language to thank those who “laid the groundwork over the years to make this victory possible.” That’s code for the Bush administration and anyone but Obama. Stay classy Sarah.

History will forever record that President Barack Hussein Obama was responsible for bringing Osama Bin Laden to justice. Not George Bush. Not Zombie Reagan. Not Donald Trump. Not Sarah Palin. This is driving the wackoid wingnuts crazy(er).

Donald Trump’s Skin Is Thinner Than His Hair [Update: Trump Responds]

Posted by on May 1, 2011 at 11:25 am. 12 Comments :

At the White House Correspondent’s Dinner, Seth Meyers mocked both President Obama and Donald Trump. Obama laughed heartily. Trump seethed openly. Clearly he can’t take joke.

Trump’s petulant absence of humor is funnier than Meyers’ jokes. This guy is so full of himself he doesn’t have the good sense to pretend to laugh even though he knows he is on camera. Obviously he is not accustomed to being the butt of jokes. Can you imagine if someone with his emotionally stunted temperament were president? If Sarkozy made a friendly wisecrack Trump would nuke Paris.

[Update] After proving at the dinner that he is an insufferable ass, Trump runs to Fox News this morning to whine to the Fox & Friends Day Care kids that it was a “liberal room” and then blasts Meyers:

“I thought Seth Meyers – his delivery frankly was not good. He’s a stutterer.”

Really? Now he’s resorting to playground taunts? What a pathetic display of immaturity. Trump was obviously unprepared for the attention and seems to believe that he’s unassailable. Before the dinner he was asked by ABC News if he thought that Obama would have any Trump jokes and he said “I wouldn’t think [Obama] would address me.” Good call, Kreskin. Then afterwords he lies saying “Well, I really understood what I was getting into.” Apparently not. And the lameness of his response escalated after that with a ludicrous stab at empathy with the economic travails of ordinary citizens:

“I was certainly in a certain way having a good time listening. I don’t think the American people are having a good time with $5 gas. I was thinking to myself as they were doing this, you know, the American people are really suffering and we’re all [having fun at a gala].”

That didn’t stop him from attending the gala. And if he was thinking about suffering Americans while cavorting with the politicians and celebrities at this event, what does he think about while lounging around in his penthouse or sailing his yacht? Does he really expect that he will be the candidate of the struggling masses when what he is best known for is firing people during a time of high unemployment? That should appeal to distressed voters.

How appropriate that his candidacy is being brought down by a comedian. He really is a joke.

Watch Out Fox News: FTC Seeks To Halt Fake News Sites

Posted by on April 19, 2011 at 2:19 pm. 5 Comments :

Fox NewsFrom the Federal Trade Commission,
April 19, 2011:

“The Federal Trade Commission is requesting federal courts to temporarily halt the allegedly deceptive tactics of 10 operations using fake news websites […] According to the FTC, the defendants operate websites that are meant to appear as if they belong to legitimate news-gathering
organizations, but in reality the sites are simply advertisements aimed at deceptively enticing consumers…”

Fox News is not one of the ten operations cited in this action, but given the description of the violations, could they be far behind? The FTC is taking aggressive steps toward reigning in deceptive practices that “attempt to portray an objective, journalistic endeavor,” says David Vladeck, Director of the FTC’s Bureau of Consumer Protection. “Almost everything about these sites is fake.”

If that is the basis for this action, then Fox News ought to be the next target of the FTC’s investigative unit. They blatantly endeavor to portray themselves as a legitimate news-gathering organization while deliberately deceiving viewers. They employ anchors who openly advocate for political issues and candidates despite claiming to be “fair and balanced,” a slogan that in itself violates the FTC’s truth-in-advertising statutes. In fact, some of their paid contributors are actually candidates themselves.

The Fox network is notorious for making false claims that misinform viewers and produce tangible harm. For instance, they spent weeks promoting heavily edited videos that defamed the community service organization, ACORN. They served as the PR agency for Tea Party interests and events. They disparaged health care reform as socialistic. During that debate a memo from Fox’s Washington managing editor instructed his staff to refrain from using the term “public option” because focus group testing had proven that “government-run” would produce a more negative response.

Even with routine reporting that is objectively factual, Fox purposely manipulated their broadcasts. They reported falsely that President Obama spent $2 billion on an overseas trade mission. They invented stories about the Department of Justice declining to prosecute civil rights cases if the plaintiff was white (and then failed to report that those allegations were proven false by an independent Congressional study). And on more than one occasion their anchor scripts and on-screen charts reversed the numbers for polling to show that the President, or the Democratic position, was disfavored by respondents when the actual poll result was the opposite.

To be clear, the FTC actions in the announcement above were taken in response to complaints levied about companies marketing acai berries for weight loss. But are the allegations really that different? If there is an institutional objection to fake news operations selling dubious nutritional products, wouldn’t it be even more critical to police fake news operations selling lies that could influence legislation and elections that impact millions of lives?

I don’t expect to see the FTC halting fake news operations like Fox any time soon. But it would be nice if they could prohibit the word “news” from being used in conjunction with such an operation. And if phony programs that misrepresent weight loss can be regulated to protect consumers, then why not phony programs that misrepresent news?