Who Is The 2014 Dick of the Year? You Get One Guess

It is with profound relief that we bid farewell to 2014, a year that was consumed by Ebola panic, the rise of ISIL, and the midterm political wrangling with all of the animosities and hyperbole that go along with it. And so to send this year into the anus of history, we pay tribute to the one person who most obnoxiously exudes the foul stench of loutish, self-aggrandizing repugnancy, in the service of lies, discord, and worldwide misery. News Corpse presents…

The 2014 Dick of the Year

Considering all of the worthy candidates, and there were many, there is only one who rises to the level of boorishness required to walk away with the prize. And, conveniently, he was anointed at birth with the name for which the prize is known. He is our very own Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney. Here are a few of the memorable episodes in the Cheney melodrama that secured his victory in the competition for this award.

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The Senate Intelligence Committee published its executive summary of their findings after an exhaustive investigation into the use of torture by the CIA and other national security agencies during the Bush administration. The report detailed the horrific tactics employed that were a clear violation of both domestic and international law. The New York Times saw the report as justification for bringing the culpable parties to trial for their crimes and specifically singled out Cheney. Cheney’s response?

“The report’s full of crap.”

This coming from the man who said that it was “pretty well confirmed” that the 9/11 terrorists were working with Saddam Hussein; that Iraq had sought uranium from Niger; that aluminum tubes could only be used for nuclear centrifuges; that we would “be greeted as liberators” upon invading Iraq; and who still believes that Hussein was hoarding weapons of mass destruction. Cheney’s defense of his misconduct was a thinly veiled play for pseudo-patriotism wherein he asserted that publishing the facts about these atrocities was more damaging than committing them.

Dick Cheney CIA Torture

Always one to encourage fear and foreboding, the Dark Prince of Halliburton made certain that his pessimism was broadcast to the masses who could then be as frightened of the future as he is. So in his media tour to announce the launch of his very own SuperPAC, Cheney once again predicted a flaming demolition of untold thousands of Americans.

“I think there will be another attack. And the next time, it’s likely to be far deadlier than the last one.”

Uh oh. How many thousands of victims does Cheney foresee in his apocalyptic prophecy? How many towering infernos will crumble to the ground? And how imminent is this catastrophe? Well, if the past is any indicator of the future, America can breathe a sigh of relief, because Cheney has been predicting doom for many years with a profound measure of inaccuracy. And his latest prognostication that Al Qaeda has acquired havoc-wreaking Gizmos that they plan to detonate in front of the Fox News building is just as likely to fail.

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Following a speech by President Obama at West Point, Cheney hobbled over to Fox News to tell Sean Hannity that Obama is “a very, very weak president. Maybe the weakest, certainly in my lifetime.” It was discussion that could have been viewed as an invitation to terrorists to launch an attack as soon as possible. But in addition to the near treasonous rhetoric, Cheney re-wrote history to his liking, while mangling it beyond recognition.

“Remember there was a time back in the eighties when the United States was supporting the Afghan Mujaheddin against the Soviets. We had help from others doing that. We ultimately succeeded and then everybody turned around and walked away from Afghanistan. And, of course, then they had a civil war, the Taliban came to power. Ultimately Osama Bin Laden found safe haven there.”

Is it possible that Dick Cheney is so irredeemably delusional that he’s forgotten that Osama Bin Laden was the Mujaheddin leader that the U.S. was supporting in the fight against the Soviets? Bin Laden didn’t just find safe haven in Afghanistan, as if he stumbled over it. He was instrumental in toppling the previous government and installing a friendly new regime (the Taliban), with aid from the Reagan administration. But perhaps the most stupifyingly brain-dead remark in the whole bitch session with Hannity, was Cheney’s assessment of Obama’s grasp of history:

“It’s as though he wasn’t even around when 9/11 happened.”

Seriously? This is coming from the de facto head of an administration that, both literally and figuratively, was not around when 9/11 happened. They ignored an intelligence report with the actual headline “Bin Laden Determined to Strike In U.S.” This arrived a month before 9/11, while President Bush was on a month-long vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. Then, while allowing Bin Laden and other Taliban leaders to escape, they started another war in Iraq that had nothing to do with 9/11.

Dick Cheney

When Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel announced a sensible cut to the Pentagon’s budget as the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq were winding down, Cheney called his pal Sean Hannity to feverishly sound the alarm that Obama was plotting to make America militarily impotent. It was a charge that he couldn’t supoort with substance, so he resorted to his impending doom routine that he has perfected over the past several decades. And in this instance he even managed to throw hungry Americans overboard.

“[Obama] would rather spend the money on food stamps than he would on a strong military.”

Of course, that also happens to be the position of most of the American people. Currently approaching $700 billion dollars, the U.S. defense budget is greater than the combined military budgets of the next ten largest spenders. And even after making the proposed cuts, we will still be allocating more money to defense than China, Russia, the UK, Japan, France, and Saudi Arabia combined.

In addition to the obvious logic of cutting spending when we have the opportunity, it is a policy that is favored by most Americans. This is particularly apparent when compared to the public’s support for programs that benefit the needy. A majority of Americans (59%) favor maintaining spending on programs for the poor over deficit reduction. But when asked about maintaining defense spending, a majority (51%) would rather cut the deficit.

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There are certainly more examples of Cheney’s dickish and deserving accomplishments this year. But these are more than enough to establish his righteous place in the Dick Hall of Fame. As we begin a new year, Cheney will be the one to beat for the many contenders who enviously eye his throne. But look for Jeb Bush, Glenn Beck, Ted Cruz, and Sarah Palin, to make strong moves for their own slice of immortality.


One thought on “Who Is The 2014 Dick of the Year? You Get One Guess

  1. Also worth mentioning would be how Cheney threw the Forgotten One under the bus by explicitly stating that he “absolutely knew what was going on with the CIA’s enhanced interrogation techniques”, a stark contrast to the man’s own declaration of ignorance on the issue.

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