OH NO! Tucker Carlson is Turned Off By ‘Less Sexy,’ ‘Unappealing’ Cartoon M&Ms

Fox News has dedicated itself to a bogus brand of “journalism” that seeks out manufactured scandals that they can attribute to “soshalest libruls” whom they blame for the decline of Western civilization. And to keep their audience of consenting chumps buying their Dumb Asp™ Snake Oil, they need to make each new contrivance successively more preposterous.

Fox News, Tucker Carlson, M&M

It isn’t easy to follow up such ludicrous gems as the (utterly fictional) “canceling” of Dr. Seuss and Mr. Potato Head. Or the outrage stirred by the introduction of gay Legos. But leave it to Tucker Carlson to lead the parade of pedantry with a lurid look into the erotic world of cartoon branding characters.

On Friday evening’s episode of Carlson’s program he expressed his personal disappointment in the neutering of the previously naughty M&M candies for whom he lusted:

“The brown M&M has transitioned from high stiletto’s to lower block heels. Also less sexy. That’s progress. M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal. When you’re totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity. They’ve won”

Carlson deserves credit for boldly confessing his innermost desires to “have a drink” with the melt-in-your-mouth seductresses in the confection section of life. He is opening a door for the long oppressed choco-sexuals to come out of their wrappers. Who could disagree with his lament that the candied cartoons are now “deeply unappealing.” And this march toward androgyny is obviously the goal that “they” are pursuing to destroy the family unit. Is there any doubt that all of this just happened to surface two weeks before Valentine’s Day?

Carlson’s salaciousness will now have to be limited to his fixations and flirtations with authoritarian tyrants. Last August Carlson broadcast his program from Hungary where he lavished praise on it’s dictator, Victor Orbán. And he’s going back for more next week. And if that weren’t bad enough. Carlson has also been an avid advocate for Russia and Vladimir Putin. He recently addressed Russia’s aggressions toward Ukraine asking “Why would we pick Ukraine’s side and not Russia’s side?”

Perhaps because Ukraine is a democratic ally and Russia is threatening to invade and annex it. But that’s of no concern to Carlson or Fox News where they embrace totalitarianism and reject democracy. Maybe they just don’t find democracy as sexy as oppression. They would rather slobber over a shirtless Putin riding a horse than listen to Biden articulate rational policies that actually improve people’s lives. Or maybe they just want to watch more candy cartoon porn.

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14 thoughts on “OH NO! Tucker Carlson is Turned Off By ‘Less Sexy,’ ‘Unappealing’ Cartoon M&Ms

  1. No self-respecting M&M candy would ever have a drink with *ucker Carlson! In fact, they’re more likely to pull off a stilleto heel & smack him in the head with it for even asking. I sure as hell would!
    If he likes Orban & his ilk so much, try broadcasting that shit as “news” in Hungary. He’d prob’ly be thrown in jail, with the big yellow M&M as his ‘cellie’… wouldn’t that be fun!?!

    The fact that *ucker’s salatious drivel is even on a “news network” is a piss-poor reflection, not just on FauxSpews, but on all U.S. news broadcasting. What juvenile stupity FauxSpews puts forth ~ does anyone really give a dam* what *ucker finds sexy about his M&Ms? What a perv! Don’t worry *ucker, am sure you can still entice kids with candy ~ maybe try “Red Hots”.

    And that folks, is what Fox considers U. S. “news”.

  2. Let me guess. This terrible awful turn of events would not be happening if only his Dear Leader Trump were still in office!

  3. So, does this abhorrent POS poor excuse for a journalist …um… spank his monkey while watching Jessica Rabbit and such cartoon characters? What a sick, sick, sad creature. One keeps hoping he will get a life, but, ….no.

    • I think he does it at M&M commercials too. “Hands above the table, *ucker!”

    • He likes frosting on his candy.

  4. Yeah, every time I see a pack of M&M’s or eat some of them I think sexy. Where does this guy come up with this stuff from? Or better yet, who does his senseless drivel appeal to? Fox news watchers says everything!!!

  5. Who really cares what Tucker is turned off by at this stage in the game? tv writer, Michael Slezak has been quoted to say, Tucker is a “bleary-eyed, hate spewing fart in a Ziploc.” And yet he keeps getting support for his racist, conspiracy driven rants in the way of advertisers. Surely, he would run out of material. And so comes his attack on
    M&M’s chocolate candies.

  6. I remember an urban legend from my high school days (which is further in the past than I care to admit) that green M&Ms were aphrodisiac. Offering someone a green M&M was, then, the same as an invitation to sex. Hence, the sexy image for the green candy. That doesn’t excuse Fucker Carlson; I wonder if he smears Hershey’s chocolate syrup on his wife while she’s wearing a Jessica Rabbit costume? Were his bibles printed in Tijuana?

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