Satire

All the (Fake) Reasons Joe Biden Will Be a Worse President than Donald Trump

Posted by on January 16, 2021 at 11:10 am. 4 Comments :

In less than a week Joe Biden will be inaugurated as the 46th President of the United States of America. Kamala Harris will become the first woman to serve as Vice-President. Many people are hopeful that they will undo much of the damage caused by the negligence, incompetence and deliberate malfeasance of Donald Trump and his right-wing Republican enablers in Congress and the press. That’s a monumental task. And, sadly, the lives lost to Trump’s mismanagement of the coronavirus can never be restored.

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Donald Trump, King

For his part, Trump will sink into the lowest state of despair and self pity to date for a sociopathic narcissist who resides in that mental state as a matter of routine. He is already planning his own pathetic farewell party because no one else cares enough to throw a party for him. What will stand as his final address to the American people – delivered following the storming of Congress by his traitorous insurrectionists – will be a video wherein he pleads for “common ground” with the racist, seditionist, violent, conspiracy crackpots who comprise his cult following.

Joe Biden, meanwhile, has his own problems. The nation has spent the last four years bombarded with Trump’s egomaniacal interruptions into their lives on a daily basis. They have probably forgotten the blissful times when they could go for weeks without hearing anything from the White House.

Biden is unlikely to be as obsessed with making himself the center of attention 24/7. And that isn’t the only downside to the Biden presidency. Compared to the unprecedented performance of Trump, Biden will be huge letdown. You know it, I know, Everyone knows it. What follows are just a few of the areas where Biden falls short of his glorious predecessor:

  • Only one ex-wife, and she’s dead
  • No Pillow Lobby representative
  • No experience bankrupting multiple businesses
  • Won’t appoint his unqualified children to White House jobs
  • Rejects “alternative facts”
  • Doesn’t golf
  • Has read and understands the Constitution
  • Hasn’t renounced Muslims, Mexicans, or other liberal commies
  • Believes America is already great
  • Respects the “enemy of the people” (aka free press)
  • Has never been spanked by a porn star
  • Two fewer impeachments than predecessor
  • Released decades of confidential tax returns
  • Prefers Tom Hanks and Beyoncé to Scott Baio and Ted Nugent
  • Evangelicals haven’t declared him “sent by God”
  • No plan to relieve the onerous tax burden of the rich
  • Doesn’t support “very fine people” (white nationalists and Nazis)
  • Owns not one, but two dogs
  • Favors clean air and water over corporate profits
  • Is not BFF with Vladimir Putin or Kim Jong Un
  • Not a single cabinet appointee vows to destroy their department
  • Hires lawyers who reject the legal principle that “truth isn’t truth.”
  • Is still allowed to tweet
  • Isn’t responsible for the deaths of 400,000 Americans
  • Doesn’t spend hours every day watching and regurgitating Fox News

These fatal personality flaws of Biden are the prelude to a fundamentally different country. Those who have worshipped Trump’s manly management style and embrace of the swamp politics of Washington, D.C., are going to be sorely disappointed when Biden brings to the White House the competence and compassion that Trump and his cult disciples have been trained to abhor.

Despite these drawbacks, the nation must somehow steady itself in the face of the certain turmoil that Biden will unleash. Four years from now the people will have another opportunity to restore hate and greed as the dominant values of Republican “leadership.” So long as American isn’t already a socialist sh*thole country by then, with national healthcare, free education, fair elections, an end to racial injustice, rolling back the climate crisis, and all the other horrors promised by those evil progressives.

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How Fox News Deceives and Controls Their Flock:
Fox Nation vs. Reality: The Fox News Cult of Ignorance.
Available now at Amazon.

Donald Trump Seeking Immunity From Mueller in Exchange for Flipping on Don Jr And Melania

Posted by on August 25, 2018 at 11:33 am. 4 Comments :

The past week has seen a flurry of unprecedented activity in Washington concerning the criminal probe of Donald Trump and his Confederacy of Crooks. Most noteworthy are the felony convictions and guilty pleas by Trump’s campaign chairman, Paul Manafort, and personal attorney, Michael Cohen. With respect to the latter, Trump was even implicated as a co-conspirator in unlawful campaign finance transactions.

Donald Trump, Melania, Don Jr

Also in the news were two of Trump’s closest associates who were granted immunity by federal prosecutors. David Pecker is the publisher of the National Enquirer, a tabloid that has gone to great lengths to shield Trump from negative publicity, while harshly attacking his opponents. He has also been a Trump friend and ally for more than two decades. Allen Weisselberg is the long-time chief financial officer of the the Trump Organization with knowledge of nearly everything that goes on behind the closed doors of Trump’s criminal enterprise. The fact that both of these people were offered and accepted immunity indicates that they were complicit in illegal activities and that they have information to share.

Not wanting to get left holding the bag, Trump himself is reported to be seeking an immunity deal. After all, why should he take the fall if he can point his bony fingers at other dumb suckers? Sources say that Trump is willing to spill his guts about the meeting with Russian operatives at Trump Tower that was set up by his son Don Jr. and Manafort. Nearly everyone involved in that secret meeting has lied repeatedly about what took place. And that includes Trump, who recently outed himself as having deliberately deceived the nation. Consequently, it will be interesting to get his testimony about what actually occurred, if he can be relied on to tell the truth (a longshot at best).

What’s more, Trump has been carefully watching the case of Rep. Duncan Hunter, who was just indicted on corruption charges. Hunter was the second person in congress to endorse Trump’s presidential campaign. It’s tangentially noteworthy that Trump’s first congressional endorser, Chris Collins, has also been indicted. And his third is the embattled Attorney General, Jeff Sessions.

Of particular interest to Trump is Hunter’s legal strategy of blaming his wife for any wrongdoing. It’s a bold move that most defendants (or decent people) would shy away from. But Trump appears to regard it as a show of strength and a sign of masculinity. Therefore, he is also offering the special counsel incriminating information on his wife, Melania. The First Lady has not been been implicated yet in any of the shady dealings by Team Trump, but the President believes he can link her to nefarious activities due to her being an immigrant with suspect loyalties to America.

This concession to the Mueller and company is a stark turnaround for Trump who has expressed in no uncertain terms his utter disdain for “flippers.” He regards them as “rats” and conversely sees people who resist cooperating with law enforcement as being loyal to their fellow mobsters. But then Trump is getting some very dodgy legal advice which he says comes from the shows he watches on TV.

It is not known whether Mueller is considering immunity for Trump. For one thing, he doesn’t appear to have any information on the sort of bigger fish that immunity is generally granted to hook. He is the biggest flounder in the cesspool. Furthermore, his request just smells like another stab at desperation to avoid being impeached, indicted, and imprisoned himself. For those and other reasons, Trump may be disappointed in his quest to escape responsibility for his misdeeds and corruption. Perhaps he’d have more luck if he had an embarrassing video of Vladimir Putin in a Moscow hotel with urinating hookers. Oh wait, that was Trump too.

How Fox News Deceives and Controls Their Flock:
Fox Nation vs. Reality: The Fox News Cult of Ignorance.
Available now at Amazon.

Donald Trump Fires His Daughter Ivanka In An Easter Sunday Staffing Rebirth

Posted by on April 1, 2018 at 10:19 am. 2 Comments :

Virtually every alleged achievement that Donald Trump talks about is portrayed as the greatest accomplishment of its kind in the history of the world. Needless to say, that is never actually true. However, there is something that Trump could claim as record-setting if he were of a mind to. That’s the pace at which he has lost members of his administration, from cabinet secretaries to personal assistants. The people he touted as “the best” have scattered like leaves in a hurricane.

Ivanka Trump

Now the President has made what may be the most surprising personnel decision since his inauguration. His daughter Ivanka, and her husband Jared Kushner, have been exiled from their White House posts, according to sources familiar with the situation. Insiders say that Trump was generally satisfied with the progress (or deliberate lack thereof) on the projects that were assigned to them. But he was infuriated by comments that Ivanka has made to the press in recent weeks. For instance:

  • During the Alabama Senate special election, Ivanka appeared to criticize Republican Roy Moore saying that “There is a special place in hell for people who prey on children.”
  • In remarks that could easily be attributed to her father’s record of serial sexual harassment and assault she said “I have no reason to doubt the victims’ accounts.”
  • Speaking about the GOP tax bill, Ivanka said “I’m really looking forward to doing a lot of traveling in April when people realize the effect that this has.” That was interrupted by Trump as meaning that she wanted to get out of town so she wouldn’t have to answer difficult questions about why it failed to help anyone.
  • For some inexplicable reason Trump saw this comment as whining: “There is a level of viciousness [in the media] I was not expecting.”
  • And this sentiment may have been the most maddening of all: “I really try to avoid getting drawn into politics. […] I care more about the country than politics.” Trump is adamant that all of his team put his political interests above everything else. Ivanka crossed a line here.

In addition to those blunders, Ivanka also made an unforgivable error on Twitter last Christmas by aiding and abetting the enemies in the War on Christmas:

There were hints of these terminations recently in the news. Reports from inside the White House indicated that Trump was secretly steering Chief of Staff John Kelly to help him push Javanka out. Kelly was said to be amenable to this because he never thought she should have had an official role in the administration in the first place.

Also, recent disclosures by porn star Stormy Daniels and Playboy model Karen McDougal may explain Trump’s willingness to cut Ivanka loose. They both independently revealed that Trump told them that they remind him of Ivanka. Therefore, he has an inexhaustible pool of potential replacements for the position of First Daughter. So why not take advantage of this holiday weekend to start the process of upgrading? What better day than April First/Fools? 🙂

How Fox News Deceives and Controls Their Flock:
Fox Nation vs. Reality: The Fox News Cult of Ignorance.
Available now at Amazon.

UPDATE April 2, 2018: In case you haven’t already figured it out – – – April Fools! Sorry to disappoint y’all. I wish it were true too. Maybe soon all the Trumps will be gone.