Humor

Rupert Murdoch’s Birthday Wish To His Staff: STFU You Wankers!

Posted by on March 11, 2012 at 3:54 am. 1 Comments :

Rupert Murdoch

Congratulations are in order for Mr. Rupert Murdoch, the Chairman and CEO of News Corp, who turns 81 today. However, as he surveys the empire that he built he must be bitterly disappointed with the tunnel-blind miscreants he employs. Their obsessive, knee-jerk hostility to all things liberal has clouded their judgment in ways that harm the very interests they are being paid to serve. The result is a rash of friendly fire from within the ranks of Murdoch’s menagerie.

The first casualty is a victim in the Limbaugh-induced war of indecency. Intent on spreading blame to everyone but Limbaugh, Fox News has embarked on a crusade against any liberal (or perceived liberal) who may have said something controversial. It commenced with a Fox favorite for vilification, Bill Maher, but has now extended to comedian Louis CK. Fox News host Greta Van Susteren was so incensed that Louis CK was tapped to provide the comic relief at the annual Radio and Television Correspondents Association dinner that she publicly protested, called him a pig, and declared that she was initiating a boycott of the event. Subsequently, Louis CK dropped the gig. This is an unwelcome birthday gift for Rupert because the comedian also happens to be the star of “Louis” on his FX cable channel.

Next up is the battle between Fox News contributors. Tucker Carlson, one of said contributors, wrote an editorial on his DailyCaller blog that attempted to illustrate a hypocrisy in the media coverage of the Limbaugh controversy. Unfortunately, Carlson chose to include in his example the former LAPD officer Mark Furhman, who is best known for his use of racial epithets that was disclosed during the OJ Simpson trial. Carlson mocked Furhman as a pariah who is probably out of work, and deservedly so because “Nobody wants to be seen with a bigot.” The problem is that Furhman is actually employed by the same Fox News that employs Carlson. So not only is Carlson seen with Furhman, they are colleagues. All one big happy family of bigots. That can’t be making Rupert’s birthday any more joyful.

This is just the sort of thing that can occur when people are so blinded by their prejudices that they lose all sight of anything but their determination to harm their perceived enemies. The ultimate example of this mental defect occurred when Glenn Beck called Saudi Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal a terrorist. Alwaleed is the second largest shareholder of News Corp stock outside of the Murdoch family, and a close friend and business partner of Murdoch.

So anyway, happy birthday, Rupert. And good luck with that loathsome collection of reprobates you call a news team.

The Mutt Romney Blues

Posted by on February 16, 2012 at 12:39 pm. 2 Comments :

For your entertainment pleasure:

The whole story of this animal abuse includes the fact that Mitt Romney’s Irish Setter, Seamus, suffered fear-induced diarrhea that ran down the sides of the car. Romney pulled into a gas station and hosed down the car and Seamus, then put Seamus back into the cage on top of the car and proceeded down the highway for a 400 mile trip.

The video is courtesy of Brave New Films and Ry Cooder.

IT’S OFFICIAL: Trumpney Is Born

Posted by on February 2, 2012 at 3:10 pm. 4 Comments :

Today will be remembered in the annals of political history as the day a hybrid presidential candidate was unleashed on America. A candidate that incorporates the wealth and breeding of a political dynasty with the riches and elitism of a casino boss.

Trumpney

Mitt Romney and Donald Trump have much in common. They are both filthy rich. They have both presided over businesses that went bankrupt. They both like to fire people, as they have said:

Romney: I like to fire people.
Trump: You’re fired.

Perhaps the most significant of their shared characteristics is that they are both proud members of the GOP (Greedy One Percent). That affiliation has got to be the worst timing for a political campaign in a year when the abuse of wealth, corporate power, and the marriage of the two, has become such a volatile political issue.

Romney’s campaign is already hampered by the popular impression that he is an out-of-touch, elitist, multimillionaire. His previous comments about being one of the unemployed, defending the personhood of corporations, and casually making $10,000 bets, has already hurt Romney with middle-class and independent voters. And now, the day after he told CNN that he “doesn’t care about the very poor,” he hooks up with America’s prime example of extravagant excess. Couldn’t they have waited a week or two?

Not that that would have helped much. According to a recent survey by the Pew Research Center, the Trump endorsement is toxic. The survey revealed that 20% of the respondents said that they would be “less likely” to vote for a candidate that Trump had endorsed. Indeed, the survey showed that Trump would scare off more voters than any of the other people tested.

Finally, Romney will have a lot to answer for. Some of the questions that should be put to him include:

  • Do you believe Obama’s birth certificate is real?
  • Do you believe Obama is a Christian?
  • Do you believe Obama wrote his own books?
  • Do you believe Obama earned his academic credentials?

Those are all issues that Trump has highlighted in his media escapades, and he has made it clear that he would answer every one of those questions in the negative. Where does Romney stand?

So Trumpney has been loosed on the world. And comedians everywhere are gasping for breath as they scribble feverishly in their notebooks. This campaign just keeps getting better. With the potential for endless hilarity, November will come all too soon.

Sunday Funnies Featuring Stephen Colbert And Mitt The Ripper

Posted by on January 15, 2012 at 3:24 pm. 3 Comments :

This election season’s most electrifying development is the announcement that Stephen Colbert has formed an exploratory committee to discern whether there is a “hunger” for him to enter the race for the Republican nomination for President of the United States of South Carolina.

Colbert has already placed in polling that shows him ahead of Gov. Jon Huntsman. And today he appeared on ABC This Week with George Stephanopolous (which is more than Mitt Romney has done). Notably, Colbert appeared in character throughout the interview (which Romney always does).

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player

Clearly Colbert is off to a great start despite it being too late to actually get on the ballot in South Carolina. But in that regard he isn’t much worse off than the so-called “real” candidates like Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich, who failed to get onto the primary ballot in Virginia.

In other news, Colbert’s former SuperPAC (which he transferred to Jon Stewart so as not to run afoul of election law) has released its first ad in South Carolina:

Some may regard that as an over-the-top negative advertisement, but Colbert has made it clear that he is not affiliated with the SuperPAC and that he regards Jon Stewart as a political foe. In any case, Romney has other fictional comparisons he has to worry about.

Mitt Romney - Gordon Gekko

How Stupid Are The Fox/Tea Party Nuts Who Want To Impeach Obama?

Posted by on January 10, 2012 at 12:59 am. 26 Comments :

In case anyone is still wondering how stupid the Fox News/Tea Party crowd is, they have announced that they are trying to raise money to fly a banner over the Super Bowl that will say “Impeach Obama.”

Fox Nation Impeach Obama

That’s right. The Super Bowl, over which it will be illegal to fly. The Super Bowl, which will be held in a covered stadium. These geniuses are plotting to hire an airplane to fly in restricted air space, pulling a banner that no one in the stadium would be able to see, that advocates a criminal procedure for which there is no legal basis. And presumably there are dimwits willing to donate to this quixotic scam.

The video above was posted with their pitch for contributors. It proudly displays a prior banner overflying of the Rose Parade which, due to weather and a late takeoff, they missed all but the last half hour. That ought to convince their victims, I mean donors, to dig deep.

I’ve gotta come up with a really dumb idea to fleece these morons. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m missing a rare opportunity to bank some coin before the Tea Party is over. Any suggestions?

A News Corpse Christmas Carol

Posted by on December 24, 2011 at 3:21 pm. 2 Comments :

Here’s something to think about on this holiday from the Ghost of Christmas Past, Jacob Marley, who learned too late that there were more important things than business:

“Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!”

Jacob Marley

Happy Holidays,
News Corpse

Paranoia Runs Deep: Fox News Fears Sinister White House Renovations

Posted by on November 30, 2011 at 10:46 am. 2 Comments :

In a never ending effort to scare the bejesus out of their glassy-eyed congregation, Fox New is now speculating that President Obama is building something nefarious under the White House lawn:

Fox Nation

Oh my. What ever could it be? The suggestion that it might be a bunker is obviously a rouse because the White House already has an underground bunker (Dick Cheney famously hid out there after 9/11). Maybe it’s a lab where they are attempting to reanimate Karl Marx. Perhaps they are moving the classified artifacts from Area 51 to Washington. Could it be a secret prison to hold Rush Limbaugh and Michele Bachmann? Just think of the unholy experiments they could conduct on them.

Whatever it is, we should be dreadfully frightened. Obama is, after all, the Anti-Christ plotting to launch an Apocalyptic holocaust. We must ignore the facts that have already been revealed about this mysterious project. We can’t trust facts. As Stephen Colbert has advised us, facts have a well-known liberal bias. It is our patriotic duty to presume that the most outlandish conspiracies are behind everything that emerges from the Obama White House. What else can we do when we have a Muslim from Kenya steering the nation toward communism? Take heed, America.

Fox News Cooks Up A Toxic Menu Of Pepper Sprayed Lies

Posted by on November 23, 2011 at 1:37 pm. 4 Comments :

The latest travesty of justice celebrated by Fox News is the horrific use of excessive force on a group of peaceful protesters at UC Davis. Lt. John Pike of the Campus Police casually and callously sprayed students with an abrasive substance that has been known to cause permanent harm and even death.

Fox News typically sided with the perpetrators of torture. Just as they cheer the use of waterboarding and drool over the prospect of nuking everything from Iran to Tijuana (and even San Francisco), Fox News embraces the police state oppression of citizens who oppose the economic rape of our nation by wealthy corporations and their benefactors in Washington.

Recently Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told her colleague Bill O’Reilly that pepper spray was just “a food product, essentially.” O’Reilly agreed with Kelly that the police did nothing wrong and he went further to make the absurd claim that “I don’t think we have the right to Monday morning quarterback the police.”

We don’t? Does Bill O’Reilly believe that we live in a society where law enforcement authorities are indisputable? Isn’t that the sort of tyranny that he constantly (and falsely) accuses President Obama of attempting to enact?

The notion that pepper spray is merely a food product, or that waterboarding is just a bath, or that mustard gas is simply a condiment, is evidence of the brutal ignorance that has infected so much of modern conservatism. But it is also evidence of their obsession with diets that are harmful to your health. In the past few months Fox has published numerous articles castigating any effort to educate the American people about the benefits of good eating habits. Fox is similarly dismissive of any effort to protect children from harmful foods. Here is a brief compilation of some of the headlines from their gastronomic propaganda:

  • This Thanksgiving, Media Still Stuffed with Food Police Message
  • NYC Food Police Reach New Low
  • Even Obama’s School Potato Bill Fails
  • Liberals Going After Hot Dogs
  • SF Food Police Urge Meat-Free Mondays
  • Minneapolis Schools Ban Chocolate Milk
  • Food Police Try to Retire Ronald McDonald
  • Obama Identifies the Enemy: Tony the Tiger
  • Food Police Kill Cap’n Crunch
  • Obama Administration Getting Ready to Ditch Food Pyramid
  • Nanny Staters Crack Down on School Chocolate Milk
  • The Food Police Are Back! Coke and Pepsi Banned in S.F.!
  • Obama Food Police Messes With Your Chips
  • Food Police Attack Chocolate Milk
  • SF Hold First Public Hearing to Ban Happy Meals
  • Tater Nots: Gov’t Eyes School Lunch Potato Ban
  • Ronald McDonald Under Attack

With their abundant expertise in the culinary arts, it was only a matter of time until Fox launched their own show dedicated to diet and cooking. And now, with Lt. John Pike of the UC Davis Campus Police, they even have a star talent to helm the program. So stayed tuned to Fox News for the spring premiere of Pike’s Palate.

Pike's Palate

Lyin’ Ass Bitch: Michele Bachmann Appears on the Jimmy Fallon Show

Posted by on November 22, 2011 at 2:17 pm. 4 Comments :

You gotta love this. When Michele Bachmann was introduced on last night’s Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, The Roots, the show’s house band, played a particularly appropriate number as she walked out onto the stage:

Yep, that was “Lyin’ Ass Bitch” by the incomparable Fishbone. This was an inspired selection by The Roots that went undetected by Bachmann. However, Glenn Beck took note and was overwhelmed with apoplexy. He called Fallon a “despicable human being,” and insisted that Fallon fire the band, saying…

“Fire them! You won’t. You know why? Because you’re a girl.”

Way to go, Glenn. The best insult you can come up with is one that shows contempt for all women? And this is what you use for your defense of a woman running for president. Would Bachmann also be incapable of terminating an employee? What would your pal Sarah Palin say?

Beck claimed that he never would have done such a vile thing. He said that he wouldn’t even do that to Michelle Obama or George Soros. But Beck’s phony indignation is repudiated by the fact that he has been far more repulsive in his attacks. He routinely insults Michelle Obama’s appearance and refers to her as a dictator just because she advocates healthy diets for children. And speaking of children, Beck has called the Obama kids stupid. And after apologizing for that he called John McCain’s daughter, Meghan, fat.

As for George Soros, Beck produced a three day series on his Fox News show dedicated solely to Soros whom Beck labeled the “Puppet Master,” an old Nazi slur for Jews. Beck also falsely accused Soros, a Holocaust survivor, of sending fellow Jews to the gas chambers. Soros was nine years old at the time.

And then there’s Beck’s comments on President Obama. Beck has called the President a liar, an idiot, a racist, and a traitor. While the Fallon show, a comedy program, merely played a few bars of a song with a provocative title without ever mentioning the title or the lyrics, Beck has used explicit language to express his repulsive thoughts and he did so on a so-called “news” network.

Does Beck really think that his direct and repeated insults are less abhorrent than a suggestive musical introduction for Bachmann? It should also be noted that this morning Beck made an announcement on his radio program that, although he does not endorse candidates, he would vote for Bachmann, and then he spent several minutes explaining why she is now his choice for president.

This disgusting little hypocrite continues to prove that he has no moral center whatsoever. He behaves like an emotionally stunted delinquent who mocks people he despises but shrinks back into a defensive crouch if anyone should mock him or his idols. I can’t wait for him to appear on Fallon’s show. The band wouldn’t even have to learn a new song. Beck is at least as much a lyin’ ass bitch as Bachmann.

If All Political Ads Were Made Like Mitt Romney’s Ads

Posted by on November 22, 2011 at 10:27 am. 1 Comments :

Yesterday perennial GOP presidential frontrunner-up, Mitt Romney, released an ad that contained an unambiguously dishonest soundbite. The ad played a clip of President Obama saying…

“…if we keep talking about the economy, we’re going to lose.”

However, that clip was taken from a speech in 2008 where Obama was quoting a John McCain campaign spokesman. Here is full quote in context:

“Senator McCain’s campaign actually said, and I quote, if we keep talking about the economy, we’re going to lose.”

Political advertising is an activity that has seen more than its share of lies and deliberate distortions. But this perversion of reality will go down as one of the most brazenly disreputable misrepresentations on record. And to compound the deceit, Romney is defending his ad saying…

“Now, the tables have turned. … President Obama and his team don’t want to talk about the economy and have tried to distract voters from his abysmal economic record.”

So not only does Romney have no regrets about his false representation, he absurdly asserts that Obama isn’t talking about the economy. Of course, anyone paying even the slightest bit of attention knows that Obama has talked about almost nothing but the economy. Does Romney really expect voters to believe his nonsense?

Well, if they believe Fox News then he has a chance. Fox viewers will believe anything they are told. That’s why it would be great to see this alternative version of Romney’s ad played on Fox News: