Sarah Palin Returns To Fox News: Two Desperate Peas In A Pod

This has got to be a hoax. I waited a couple of hours just to make sure there wasn’t a late breaking announcement that the the whole thing was a prank cooked up on Twitter. But so far, the news is holding up.

Sarah Palin has been rehired by Fox News.

This is fantastic news. With all of the dark reckonings in recent weeks – the IRS, Syria, tornadoes, etc. – this could not have come at a better time. It has literally brightened my day. And that’s true even though Greta Van Susteren thinks that Palin’s return will drive liberals crazy. Yeah, right. Crazy with joy.

Sarah PalinYou still have to wonder just how desperate both parties must have been to renew their vows (ironically on the same day that Rupert Murdoch announced that he and his third wife are getting divorced. Coincidence?). Fox had managed to unload some ratty baggage when they ousted Palin. Her star had fallen in every venue. Her books weren’t selling. Her cable reality shows were canceled. Her movie flopped. All she had left was her Facebook postings. That paints a pretty good picture of why Palin would be anxious to grab some attention.

As for Fox, after the 2012 election debacle they hired losers like Allen West, Scott Brown, Erick Erickson, Herman Cain, and Mark Levin. Apparently that star-studded roster was not enough. So they have come a-courting Palin. It’s likely they got her at bargain basement prices. After they split in January, Howard Kurtz reported that Roger Ailes had offered her a low-ball contract at a fraction of her previous salary.

We’ll see if Palin manages to earn her keep this time around. An estimate of her prior stint showed that Fox had paid her $15.85 per word for the three year term of her contract. At the time I speculated that they could get her for $15.85 per hour in six months, which is right about now. I sure hope Fox didn’t overpay.

Run Sarah, Run: Tea Party Trying To Draft Sarah Palin For Alaska Senate

This is the best news I’ve heard all year: Tea Party group hopes to draft Sarah Palin for Senate run in Alaska.

Sarah Palin

Where do I donate? Bringing back Palin to the campaign trail would be more fun than a barrel of Teabaggers. Her barely comprehensible English, her moronic mistakes, her persistent ignorance, her feverish hate-speech – all of these elements of her political style would combine to turn the election into comedy gold.

Never mind the fact that Palin doesn’t live in Alaska (her current residence is in Arizona). And set aside the polls that show her losing to the Democratic incumbent Mark Begich 54-38. Palin’s Tea Party appeal would thrust her into the loser’s circle with a boatload of mocking media.

Even if some unforeseen catastrophe occurred (i.e. Begich suffers a nervous breakdown and grows a Hitler mustache a week before the election) and Palin prevails, her presence on the senate floor would provide more laughs than America’s Funniest Home Videos. And we wouldn’t have to worry about her burdening the nation with idiotic legislation because she would likely resign after a couple of months when she finds out that she is required to do some work and the salary is under seven figures.

So here’s hoping that the Tea Party dimwits promoting her candidacy can lure her into the race. And let’s hope that the GOP throws buckets of cash into her campaign. As happy as I am that fringe characters like Allen West and Jim DeMint have been cast out of politics, it leaves a comedy void that is hard to fill. That’s why I’m counting on Palin to come to the rescue of political humorists everywhere and throw her asshat into the ring.

Sarah Palin Is Pissed That She Couldn’t Get A Date For The Nerd Prom

It’s hard to even know where to begin to respond to this:

Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin calling anybody else pathetic is a textbook example of Acute Delusional Projection. But for her to direct that criticism at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner that she herself has been affiliated with in the past reflects her envy and bitterness that she is now such a washed up old Tea Hag that no one will pay her any attention unless she belches out idiotic tripe like this Tweet. (And I’m happy to oblige).

Palin hilariously includes herself among those Americans who are “working our asses off.” But she’s best known for having quit her job as governor half way through her term so that she could take a cushy million dollar job at Fox News spewing poorly reasoned diatribes once or twice a week in something that sounded a little like third-grade English. To add to her ass-load of work she had a book ghost-written for her and she hosted a reality cable TV show. Well, her show was canceled after tanking in the ratings and Fox declined to renew her contract. Today she has no visible means of support other than her Super PAC that scams donations from misguided Teabaggers.

All in all, her criticism is preposterous. She thinks that it’s inappropriate, in these challenging times, to have any fun and that hard-working Americans are all off somewhere stewing in their misery. Sarah Palin must not know any hard-working people. She clearly doesn’t have the foggiest notion herself of what it means to work hard. However, she does know something about being pathetic.

Here are a couple of choice moments from the White House Correspondent’s Dinner.

Obama dings Fox News:

Obama-Satan

Conan Dings Justice Scalia (sitting with Bill O’Reilly).

Conan-Scalia

Lamestream Humor: NewsBusters Doesn’t Get That The Joke Is On Them

Conservative pundits and personalities have been a rich source of material for satire and mockery. However, there are times when their glassy-eyed incoherence inspires more sympathy than ridicule. And this may be one of them.

NewsBusters

Noel Sheppard, the Associate Editor of the uber-rightist media monitor NewsBusters, posted an item yesterday that was virtually ecstatic over a new commercial for Volkswagon. He notes that it “has put a smile on a lot of conservative faces.” In the ad an envious man (Gary) discusses his intention of getting a new Passat just like the one his neighbor (Brian) owns. Then Brian tells Gary that he bought the last one, but Gary isn’t falling for it and cites a Passat ad in the newspaper as proof. Whereupon Brian says “You can’t believe the lamestream media, Gary.”

What has delighted Sheppard so much is his view that Volkswagon has validated the disparaging dig at the press that Sarah Palin popularized. He is giddy with satisfaction that the word “lamestream” was uttered in the ad. He calls it “delicious” and says it “will surely put a smile on Palin’s face.”

Perhaps so, but that is indicative of the larger problem. This ad is more ridicule than reverence, but Sheppard can’t see past his glee to notice. The clear message in the ad is that Brian’s attempt to discredit the media was an obvious ruse. The ad portrays Brian as the fool for trying to deceive his neighbor by falsely impugning the press. After all, Gary’s newspaper was correct, there are more Passats available. So, if anything, this ad illustrates how dimwitted Palin’s criticisms are.

Just like Brian, Palin’s attempts to discredit the media are an obvious ruse and few people outside of her congregation of teabaggers are fooled. Yet somehow Sheppard regards this as complimentary and evidence of the nation’s adoption of Palin’s reproach, rather than a dramatization of how silly it is. He simply doesn’t get that the joke is on him and his comrades on the right. And it’s so glaringly obvious that it’s a little sad to see him so befuddled.

Sarah Palin At CPAC: Todd Got The Rifle, I’ve Got The Rack (Teat Party?)

The long awaited appearance of Tea Party Queen Sarah Palin at the Conservative Political Action Conference finally went off this morning with a speech that the CPACers gobbled up voraciously. However, as might have been expected by more coherent observers, Palin’s remarks never addressed much of substance.

The entirety of Palin’s Obama bashing and wingnut homilies was broadcast live by Fox News, who didn’t bother to air any of Mitt Romney’s speech yesterday. That should tell you something about Fox News that you probably already knew.

Perhaps the biggest applause line of the speech was after she regaled the crowd with an amusing joke about her boobs. That’s right, her BOOBS! And if you wonder how she worked that into the monologue, it was with reference to the Second Amendment. Still wondering? While extolling the joys of gun ownership, Palin told a story wherein her romantic hubby Todd gave her a gun rack for Christmas. In return, she gave him a shiny new gun. Whereupon she delivered the hilarious punch line: He got the rifle, I’ve got the rack. And the crowd goes wild.

Sarah Palin

The only other notable quote from her insomnia-curing oratory was a rather ironic jab at President Obama. She said that “We don’t have leadership coming out of Washington. We have reality television.”

Sarah Palin

What’s more she opined that it was bad reality television. Well…..I guess she should know it when she sees it.

[Update] Here’s the video:

The Fox News Paranoid Conspiracy Follies And The Collapse Of Society

Last year there was a flurry of panicky hand-wringing by notorious conspiracy mongers like Alex Jones and the fruitcakes at WorldNetDaily and Newsmax. Reports that agencies of the federal government had purchased large caches of ammunition set the rumor peddlers tongues to wagging as they imagined brigades of Obama’s stormtroopers marching into the corn fields and trailer parks of rural America gunning down everything in their path.

This sickness infected much of the right-wing crackpot community and spread via chain letters and the blogs of Psycho Chicken Littles who were convinced by Glenn Beck that the End of Days was upon us. At the time, these ludicrous delusions were smacked down by more rational thinkers including those at PolitiFact. But the acutely deranged conservative mind is not an easy thing to assuage. And as a result the tales of doom persisted and are even now being retold by Fox News and its heralds.

Fox Nation

The latest incarnation of this horror story is a rehashing of the news that the Department of Homeland Security had purchased more than a billion bullets. In the minds of the nutcases on the right, that is evidence that the DHS is plotting a response to some impending disaster scenario wherein they will be forced to kill every person in America five times. That is precisely what Mark Levin, Sean Hannity’s replacement for Sarah Palin, is terrorizing his radio listeners with:

“I’m going to tell you what I think is going on. I don’t think insurrection. Law enforcement and national security agencies — they play out multiple scenarios. They simulate multiple scenarios. I’ll tell you what I think they’re simulating: the collapse of our financial system, the collapse of our society and the potential for widespread violence, looting, killing in the streets, because that’s what happens when an economy collapses.”

Repent sinners – the end is near. Never mind that in the past four years, since George W. Bush actually did come within a hair’s breadth of collapsing the economy, America’s financial state has recovered nearly everything it had lost. The stock market is higher today than it was before the crash. Housing markets are heating up. Unemployment, though still uncomfortably high, is three points lower than its recessionary peak. None of that, however, has any impact on the FoxPods who are stubbornly certain that we are on the brink of disaster.

What makes this particularly idiotic is that the DHS has fully explained the ammunition purchases and that explanation was even reported by Fox News in a wire story from the Associated Press:

“Federal solicitations to buy the bullets are known as ‘strategic sourcing contracts,’ which help the government get a low price for a big purchase, says Peggy Dixon, spokeswoman for the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center in Glynco, Ga . The training center and others like it run by the Homeland Security Department use as many as 15 million rounds every year, mostly on shooting ranges and in training exercises.”

The story goes on to note that these munitions were to be used by “more than 90 federal agencies and 70,000 agents.” In addition they are also used by Immigration and Customs Enforcement, the federal government’s second largest criminal investigative agency. But this exceedingly reasonable explanation didn’t deter Fox from advancing an utterly insane conspiracy theory. It’s what they do and, dammit, they do it pretty well.

[And for good measure…] Sarah Palin couldn’t resist the urge to make an ass of herself:

Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin Look-a-Like Scott Brown Takes Her Place At Fox News

The worst kept secret in cable news has just been confirmed. After having lost the senate seat he held for a mere two years, Scott Brown has been hired as a contributor by Fox News.

Scott BrownFilling a role that was held by Sarah Palin until her recent dismissal, Brown is the new beauty pageant contestant turned politician who was unable to complete a full term in office to be scooped up Fox, just like Palin. His unique experience having done nothing of substance while in office other than criticize the President makes him the perfect acquisition for a network that has made its reputation by avoiding substance and bashing the Obama administration.

Fox has been struggling to persuade people that they are moderating their tone after having been embarrassed by election coverage that was grossly biased and detached from reality. So they canned Palin and Dick Morris as scapegoats for their ineptitude. However, they kept the core of their conservative message machine with Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Megyn Kelly, Neil Cavuto, the Fox & Friends Kindergarten Krew, etc. What’s more, they hired Erick Erickson (who called a Supreme Court justice a “goat-fucking child molester”) and Mark Levin (who thinks even Republicans are socialists) was tapped to fill the Palin void on the Hannity show.

Anyone who believes that Fox intends to adjust their programming to be more neutral is terminally naive. They are merely throwing a life saver to one of their favorite politicians who is still a potential candidate for either the senate or governorship of Massachusetts in 2014. Fox is well known for employing prospective candidates for political office despite the breach of ethics that presents. They are currently allowing Geraldo Rivera to host his own show while testing the waters for a senate race in New Jersey.

Fox apparently was nervous about not having a Palinesque figure on their payroll, and now they can rest easier with Brown filling her designer pumps. Thanks to Brown, Fox’s tradition of shallow analysis and strident harangues will proceed without interruption.

Sean Hannity Taps Manic Mark Levin To Fill The Sarah Palin Void

Now that Sarah Palin has received her walking papers from Fox News,
Mark Levinthe programs that relied on her signature vitriolic commentary have been left to struggle with how to fill the air time she previously consumed with her incoherent rants. The programs most concerned are Greta Van Susteren and Sean Hannity who tied for the most Palin appearances during her tenure as a Fox contributor.

This problem appears to have been solved for Hannity. Conservative screecher Mark Levin announced on his radio show that he will soon begin to make regular appearances on Hannity’s Fox-capades. It’s a fairly reasonable programming decision since the delusional hostility exhibited by Levin is remarkably similar to that of Palin. The transition to this new sneering character should go pretty smoothly. Here are a few of Levin’s recent proclamations that might easily be mistaken for Palin’s trademark tirades:

  • The Muslim Brotherhood has infiltrated our government, it’s called Barack Obama.
  • You can see the pockets of tyranny within our own country.
  • We [elect Obama] again, it’s not a mistake. It’s national suicide.
  • “[ObamaCare] sounds Hitler-esque to me.
  • What kind of uniforms will this national security force wearing? Will they be Brown Shirts? Will they be clicking their heels as they walk?
  • I’ve taken a lot of heat for calling Obama a Marxist.
  • Will that presidential library be in Kenya or Chicago?

I think Levin got almost every Obama haters slander in there: Birther, Nazi, tyrant, Muslim, Marxist, and the Apocalypse. He is nothing if not thorough. And the big bonus is that Fox is getting Levin for free. In his announcement he noted that he would not be an official Fox News contributor and would be receiving no pay for his appearances. Considering the fact that Palin was found to have cost Fox $15.85 per word (a million dollars a year) for her dimwitted dissertations, Fox really scored by dumping her for a reasonable facsimile that costs them nothing.

Hannity viewers must be relieved that they won’t miss a thing when Levin joins the show. They will continue to enjoy the ignorant bleating and crackpot references to liberal fascists and encroaching tyranny to which they have become so accustomed thanks to Sarah Palin. Mark Levin may be the most appropriate substitute Fox could have scrounged up.

Too Funny: Sarah Palin Cost Fox News $15.85 Per Word For Three Years Of Rambling Incoherence

A study just released by the University of Minnesota’s Humphrey School of Public Affairs reveals that Fox News paid a pretty penny for former beauty contestant runner-up and Tea Party queen, Sarah Palin. Here are the highlights of the study’s findings:

Sarah Palin

  • Appearances on Fox News: 151 (Average 50 per year).
  • Cost per appearance: $19,868.
  • Cost per word: $15.85 (189,221 words total).
  • Appearances on Hannity: 55 (Total cost: $1,092,740).
  • Appearances on Greta Van Susteren: 55 (Total cost: $1,092,740).
  • Appearances on O’Reilly and Fox News Sunday (combined): < 20 (Total cost: < $397,360).
  • Number of mentions of Obama: 786.
  • Number of mentions of Reagan: 41.

For the term of her contract Palin worked an average of about one day a week. Often she was literally phoning it in from home, where Fox had built her a million dollar studio. She obviously preferred the lame opinion shows with friendly hosts who would not challenge her shallow diatribes. Or perhaps the other shows withheld invitations because they knew she couldn’t grasp anything of substance.

Of course, we need to take into consideration Palin’s unique style of communication. Her “Word Salad” run-on sentences significantly increased the word count and lowered the average cost-per-word. The anchors on Fox, who work every day, get paid significantly less and were probably not thrilled with the compensation their part-time colleague received. It’s clear why Fox did not want to renew her contract. Six months from now they could probably pick her up for $15.85 per hour (if they were foolish enough to want her).

Fox News Deliberately Low-Balled Sarah Palin According To Reliable Sources (CNN)

Sarah PalinMuch has been made of the news that Tea Party queen Sarah Palin and Fox News, the cable network that served as the PR agency for the Tea Party, have parted ways. The reporting generally implied that Palin had turned down Fox’s offer to renew her contract. That is, in all likelihood, exactly what happened.

However, contract negotiations are more complex than that. And now we have reporting from CNN’s Howard Kurtz that fleshes out some of the ambiguities of the original stories. On his program Reliable Sources, Kurtz expanded on the matter by saying…

“My reporting shows that Fox News did offer Sarah Palin a new contract, but it is what I would call a low-ball offer, significantly less, a fraction of the million dollars a year she had been paid.”

In other words, Fox deliberately made an offer that they knew Palin would reject because they had no interest in retaining her beyond her current contract. As speculated previously here at News Corpse, Fox probably “offered her a moose burger and parking validation to re-up – and even that would have been more than she’s worth.” After all, why would Fox continue to overpay someone about whom Fox CEO Roger Ailes reportedly said he thinks is an idiot?

Palin’s star has been fading fast. Fox News only posted a modified AP story about the separation on their web site. Fox Nation, known for its rabid partisanship and rank dishonesty, didn’t report on it all. As evidence of Palin’s rapidly declining value, her first post-Fox stop was at the Internet’s home of doctored videos and right-wing propaganda, Breitbart News. There she answered a couple of vacant questions from BreitBrat Stephen Bannon, the sycophantic producer of the fawning Palin crockumentary, “The Undefeated” (the most ironically named box office bomb ever, considering it chronicles one of modern history’s most frequently defeated political failures).

In response to Bannon’s query about what she planned to do next, Palin had no answer other than vagaries about her desire to quit “preaching to the choir.” She spoke of “sharing more broadly the message of the beauty of freedom” to a larger audience. She didn’t give any indication of where she would find an audience receptive to her wingnuttery that she thinks is larger than Fox News from which she was just ousted. The narrow appeal of her conservative extremism is unlikely to find much acceptance beyond the tiny choir that is currently singing from her warped hymnal.

Then Bannon asked her where she thinks the country stands today and she launched into a dirty laundry list of every worn out criticism the right has lobbed at Obama for four years. She spoke of deficits and unemployment – problems that resulted from George Bush’s mismanagement of the economy and have improved under Obama. Of course, she also included fabricated controversies about ObamaCare, Benghazi, and gun control, that are a staple of the right’s outrage machine.

Palin told BreitBrat Bannon that “Conservatism didn’t lose.” She blames the 2012 GOP debacle entirely on Mitt Romney, despite the fact that he ran as a “severely conservative” candidate embracing every position held dear to the Republican far-right fringe. And she declares that “we haven’t begun to fight! But we delight in those who underestimate us.” In that regard she must be filled to the brim with delight, because it would hard to have a lower estimation of the woman who thinks a “gotcha” question is “What magazines do you read.”

On the basis of that level of insightful commentary, it’s no wonder that Fox chose to insult Palin with a pittance of her prior pay, and free her to tarnish the reputation of some other news enterprise (i.e. Breitbart). Apparently somebody at Fox has concluded that their reputation has already been tarnished enough.