Poor Trump Whines that His Criminal Cases are Cramping His Jet Setting Golf Tourney Lifestyle

Who knew that committing 91 felonies among four criminal indictments would pose such a burden on someone’s time? And why didn’t someone warn Donald Trump that conspiring to illegally overturn an election, stealing classified documents, and inciting an insurrection, would so severely cut into one’s life of luxury?

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This is the tragedy that Trump finds himself in today as he tries to navigate the legal morass that he has made for himself. With cases pending in four jurisdictions, his calendar for the next few months is going to be filled with court dates and depositions and endless meetings with lawyers. Where will he find time to grift off of his gullible flock with pitches for worthless merchandise?

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On Sunday Trump complained that his criminal undertakings have even cut into his jet setting lifestyle and at his international golf resorts. In a plaintive plea posted on his failing social media scam, Truth Social, Trump was despondent over having to miss a golf tournament in Scotland. He sobbed that…

“I have the Staysure Senior PGA Championship in Aberdeen, Scotland, on my great course, and I can’t go. I have to stay around and fight off the Crazed Radical Left Lunatics, Communists, Marxists, and Fascists. I wouldn’t want to be in Europe and watch this COUNTRY DESTROYING Scum work their disgusting and illegal ‘magic’ on unsuspecting Republican ‘leaders’ who just don’t think it is appropriate to Fight Fire With Fire. BUT WE WILL WIN. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”

What a travesty! How could those sinister “Crazed Radical Left Lunatics, Communists, Marxists, and Fascists” force this punishment on poor Donnie? It’s almost like they regard the Constitution as being more important than Trump’s “pursuit of happiness.” And his lily-livered Republican confederates aren’t any better.

In light of this trauma, it needs to be noted that Trump has been complaining that the proposed dates for his upcoming trials are too soon and won’t give him sufficient time to prepare his defense. Although it could be argued that there is no amount of time that is sufficient because he has no coherent defense. He’s so obviously guilty, and he knows it. And so do most of the American people…

SEE ALSO: Post-Mugshot: Trump’s Phony Bravado Falls Apart as Poll Shows Most Americans Say He’s Guilty

More to the point, if Trump is so strapped for time, then why is he upset about not attending a golf tournament in Scotland, when he should be conferring with his attorneys? Well, at least the ones that are still working with him. Perhaps the prosecutors will notify the judges that if Trump has the time to fly off to Scotland for golf today, he’s got plenty of time to be ready for trial in January.

It is also notable that this weekend Trump had the time to participate in a senior golf tournament at his Bedminster, New Jersey, club. In that contest he claimed to have a won with a score of 67. Remarkably, that’s eight shots less than golf legend Phil Mickelson scored on the same course two weeks ago.

On Truth Social Trump assured his cult followers that, with regard to his score, “there is no hanky/lanky,” whatever that is, and that because he is “surrounded by Secret Service Agents” he couldn’t cheat, as if monitoring his golf score was part of their job description. Also, he is implying that he would have cheated if the Secret Service weren’t there, or watching.

Hopefully the judges in Trump’s various cases will take note of the abundance of leisure time in his schedule and book his court appearances accordingly. If Trump wanted more time to travel, play games, hold cult rallies, post online, and do suck-up interviews on right-wing media, maybe he should not have devoted himself to committing so many crimes. Now he needs to buckle down and help his lawyers come up with some marginally plausible lies in his defense. Which, given the realistic legal options available to them, shouldn’t take very long.


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2 thoughts on “Poor Trump Whines that His Criminal Cases are Cramping His Jet Setting Golf Tourney Lifestyle

  1. The people in Scotland don’t want him there. If they could, they would tie him to the rotor of one of their offshore windmills and let him spin in the wind. This is a list of some of the more complimentary things the Scots have called Trump:

    “Custard-flavoured jobby.”
    “Leather-faced piss jar.”
    “Mangled apricot hellbeast.”
    “Bawbag-eyed fuck bumper.”
    “Glaikit heidbanger. Brutal shan basturt. Manky great walloper. Total roaster. Heid-the-baw. Fud.”
    “Toupéd fucktrumpet.”
    “Knuckle-brained fart lozenge.”
    “Blinkered plum.”
    “Huffy wee fuckin bampot.”
    “Utter cockwomble.”
    “Degenerate corned beef face syrup wearing wankstain.”
    “Rug wearing thunder nugget.”
    “Fuckin walloper.”
    “Uncooked pastry.”
    “Hamster heedit bampot.”
    “Rotten orange fucknut.”
    “Onion-eyed flap dragon.”
    “Wee orange rodent.”
    “Mop-headed fud.”
    “Cock juggling thundercunt.”
    “Witless fucking cocksplat.”
    “Gerbil-headed, woodstained, haunted spunktrumpet.”
    “Shitstick fuckface.”
    “Orange shitgibbon”

    Those are not words of welcome in any language. If Trump did try to fly to Scotland, the best thing that could happen would be for him to pull a Prigozhin. The nicest thing the Scots could tell Trump is to “Go take a swim in the Firth of Clyde.” Without a lifeguard.

    One of the better names for Trump from the west side of the pond is “Lord Dampnut”, since it it an anagram of “Donald Trump”.

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