Humor

Who Says Glenn Beck Isn’t Funny?

Posted by on March 25, 2011 at 3:38 pm. 2 Comments :

Glenn BeckOn his TV program yesterday, Glenn Beck launched into a hilarious routine that simply has to be shared with the world. It concerned his paranoid perception that an army of George Soros soldiers are advancing on him and his motley crew.

Beck: And please, enough, George Soros. He’s got 86 people now on staff at Media Matters. Eighty-six! And the CEO of Media Matters said, “Oh, we need to hire some more.” He was fundraising. “We need to hire some more because it takes a lot of people to correct Glenn Beck’s nonsense.” There are ten people. Ten that work on this program. Ten that put it together. TEN! It takes 86 to try to tear us down.

That’s hilarious. I could hardly…oh wait. He was serious. Beck actually thinks that every employee at Media Matters is assigned to watching and fact-checking his program. That includes the accountants and receptionists. And who does that leave to monitor Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly and Megyn Kelly and, well, everybody else at Fox? Not to mention Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin and Andrew Breitbart and everybody at every other television or radio station, or newspaper or Internet site.

Nope. Beck believes that all of Media Matters is wholly dedicated to bringing him, and only him, to ruin, and that George Soros is personally staked out in front of a wall of TVs directing the effort.

I don’t know how many people are actually monitoring Beck’s program, but I can safely assume that it takes at least a few focused researchers to run down the actual facts associated with his wild proclamations, because I do it myself with some frequency.

The advantage Beck has over those of us who rely on facts is that it takes considerable time and effort to confirm or negate information with documentary evidence of your conclusions. However, all it takes is a good imagination if you’re going to make stuff up.

For instance, it takes only a few seconds for me to claim that Beck once hired Monica Lewinsky as an intern on his old Morning Zoo radio show, and that the show’s producer admitted that they sent Lewinsky to Washington as a prank. It would take a legitimate researcher much longer to look into this assertion, acquire documents, compare dates, seek statements from witnesses, etc.

That’s why it only takes ten people to put together Beck’s show. They really don’t have much to do other than keeping the blackboard clean. And they aren’t distracted with pesky little concerns about honesty or proof. In fact, ten people seems a little high to produce the garbage that Beck puts on the air every day. I could probably do myself with an intern and a box of chalk.

Jon Stewart Skewers Bret Baier Of Fox News

Posted by on March 25, 2011 at 12:41 pm. 8 Comments :

In a rollicking discussion of Fox News and its obvious agenda-driven editorial slant, Jon Stewart leaves anchor Bret Baier literally speechless on a number of occasions. Baier is frequently held up as the example (or “human shield” as Stewart quips) of straight-forward reporting on the network. But that just makes him the proverbial “thinnest kid at fat camp.” Any honest appraisal of Fox has to concede that there is an inherent institutional bias. Stewart tries valiantly to elicit such an appraisal from Baier with little success, but much hilarity.

Stewart: I would not say that Fox’s main thrust is objective news gathering. I would say that their main thrust is…it is somewhat of a cover for a more political operation that exists underneath.
Baier: Come on Jon, really?
Stewart: I don’t think I’m alone in that, by the way. I think that there are other people.
Baier: Why then are we, Jon, the best rated news show?
Stewart: That’s a very interesting point. I wasn’t aware that ratings equals quality. But now that I know that I’m gonna reassess my feelings about the show Three’s Company. But you know that the two are not related. I’m suggesting not that it’s not popular or powerful, so is crack.

Baier is regurgitating what his boss, Rupert Murdoch says, on this subject:

“If we weren’t fair and balanced, we wouldn’t have the number one network in news – by a very wide margin. People believe we’re fair and balanced, and they love us.”

Actually, people watch Fox because it validates their preconceptions. If Fox were balanced their partisan viewers would change the channel. For years I have been making the point that ratings only measure viewership, not content. After all, McDonald’s is the #1 restaurant in America. I don’t think that anyone interprets that to mean that they have the best food. What they have is the cheapest crap that is loaded with filler and seasoning to appeal to the largest number of consumers with the least sophisticated taste. And that’s a pretty good description of Fox.

Stewart continues to search for some sliver of integrity from Baier, noting that even Fox’s hard news is “framed through a prism of this more conservative ideology.” When Stewart points out that by watching Fox “you would think the greatest threat to the country is ACORN, the Black Panthers, and Fannie Mae,” all that Baeir can must is a whimpering
“That’s not fair.” But later Stewart lands a blow that staples Baeir’s lips shut completely:

Stewart: A guy gets fired from NPR for being taped undercover saying “I think the Tea Baggers are,” blah, blah, blah. He said a bunch of terrible things. Roger Ailes said, on the record, NPR are Nazis. Doesn’t that strike you as odd?
Baier: {crickets}

Exactly! The hypocrisy at Fox is legendary. Baeir responded the only way he could. He certainly couldn’t defend the retention of an executive who called his peers Nazis. But neither could he criticize his tyrannical employer and expect to live through the night.

More often than not the interview segment on the Daily Show is my least favorite. Stewart has a tendency to be exceedingly deferential to conservative guests in order to ensure that they continue to take his calls (IMHO). But this segment was classic. Stewart was aggressive yet respectful, and importantly, funny. That’s a tricky routine with a high degree of difficulty.

Sarah Palin Question Stumps Jeopardy Contestants

Posted by on March 11, 2011 at 10:05 am. 3 Comments :

For those who think that Sarah Palin is a serious candidate for president (or sewer inspector), they may need to adjust their perspective a bit. In addition to having dreadful approval ratings that have gone steadily downward since her debut in national politics, she is also such a trivial factor in American life that she is almost invisible.

On Monday, March 7, 2011, Jeopardy featured this question in the category Hearts: Her latest book is titled “America by Heart: Reflections on Faith, Family and Flag”

Not one of the contestants knew that the correct question was “Who is Sarah Palin.” And remember, to become a contestant on Jeopardy you need to be exceptionally intelligent with a well-rounded store of knowledge that includes history, science, popular culture, literature, and, yes, politics. Yet none of them had ever heard of this book. That’s a sign that Palin’s pop celebrity status is waning, and it’s a good sign for America.

The problem is that the media still drools over her like a Pavlovian mutt craving a moose bone. I think that when Jeopardy contestants are stumped as to the identity of this half-term governor, failed VP candidate, and vacuous purveyor of ghost written Twitter and Facebook posts, the press corps should be asking themselves the question that none of the Jeopardy players could come up with: “Who is Sarah Palin.”

Sarah Palin is a non-entity in American politics. To the extent that people pay any attention to her at all, it is to express their almost universal disgust. Continued coverage of this self-serving ignoramus is a combination of journalistic fraud, incompetence, and laziness. Just stop it already.

The Perfect Storm: A Glenn Beck Delusion

Posted by on February 24, 2011 at 10:28 am. 7 Comments :


If the above picture frightens you…good! We are at a crucial time in not only our nation’s history, but also in the history of the entire Western world. There are powerful forces at work that, when looked at individually, are still quite serious but each seems somewhat manageable. However, when we examine these events and the possibility that they could happen collectively, well–then my friend, we’re facing something I like to call The Perfect Storm

[Note: I removed the link to Beck’s “Perfect Storm” site because it was generating a security warning. Visit at your own risk: http://archive.glennbeck.com/perfectstorm/index.shtml]

That is Glenn Beck’s introduction to the web site dedicated to his Apocalyptic prophesy of the End of Days for America and beyond. The page is a collection of unrelated links to news stories of crisis points in the world that add up to some imaginary and coordinated global catastrophe. Are you scared yet? Even though a couple of weeks ago Beck said that “I don’t ever want to frighten you,” he must not have meant it because that’s almost all he ever does. And, as he states above, he thinks it’s a good thing. So don’t get too comfortable when he attempts to pacify your fears, because the worst is still to come.

In recent weeks Beck has proffered his vision of an impending doom. It is, says he, being triggered by a series of foreboding occurrences that he describes alternately as an “Archduke Ferdinand moment” or “The Coming Insurrection” or, of course, The Perfect Storm (…orm…orm…orm…ormmm).

This terrifying event, in its most recent manifestation, consists of a wave of international unrest from Cairo, Egypt to Madison, WI. In Beck’s spaghetti-tangle of a brain, all of these uprisings are a part of the same global conspiracy to impose a worldwide Caliphate ruled by Sharia law under the tyrannical direction of the Puppet Master, George Soros. And if there is one thing of which Beck is certain it’s that The Perfect Storm that he has been warning about is upon us. He made that specific declaration this week:

“It’s called The Perfect Storm. And I can’t honestly believe that we’re finally here.”

Perhaps the reason that Beck is wallowing in some measure of disbelief is that he was equally certain that The Perfect Storm had arrived on a few prior occasions (h/t MMFA):

01/31/11: I’ve been talking about The Perfect Storm [and] an Archduke Ferdinand moment […] I believe that Tunisia or Egypt may be that moment.

11/30/10: The time that I told you would come of The Perfect Storm is here.

11/15/10: This is The Perfect Storm I told you about five years ago.

08/12/10: I told you five years ago, Perfect Storm. It’s here.

05/03/10: It is The Perfect Storm theory that I told you five years ago. I told you a year ago it is coming on shore. Here it is, gang.

03/25/10: I’ve talked about almost — gosh, probably eight years now. A Perfect Storm would come. It’s here.

04/28/09: [T]there is a Perfect Storm that has come onshore. I’ve been talking about it for years, and it just came onshore.

11/24/08: I’ve been talking about The Perfect Storm for five years. It has come to shore and everyone has said to me, “You’re right, it is crazy.”

11/21/08: We are headed for dangerous times and this is The Perfect Storm that I have been warning about.

07/15/08: We’re in The Perfect Storm that I’ve been warning coming, we’re in The Perfect Storm.

06/30/08: I’ve been predicting The Perfect Storm for months. But now with oil prices soaring and stocks plummeting, the storm is finally coming ashore.

So that’s a dozen declarations in two and half years of the advent of the Judgment Day that Beck has been prophesying for five years, or eight years, or a few months, depending on which declaration you choose to believe. It appears that his storm falls somewhere short of perfect. Beck is like the street preacher with the sign insisting that “The end is near,” who has been parading up and down 6th Avenue for thirty years. He’s like the evangelist who says that Jesus will return on Friday, and then spends Saturday scrambling to come up with a new date.

In February of 2009, Beck addressed his fixation in a letter to his congregation:

“The ‘Perfect Storm’ message has been tough for me to bring to you. It takes a toll on me and I know it takes a toll on you. Several of my closest friends and colleagues told me that if I didn’t shut-up with all the ‘gloom and doom’ talk my ratings and advertising would suffer—they were right—but I owed it to you to keep bringing you the message, and I did.”

Indeed, Beck did keep bringing the message…and bringing it, again and again. And his ratings and advertising did suffer. He’s lost about half his audience on Fox News and more than 300 advertisers have refused to permit their ads on his show. But did that stop him? Of course not. He is divinely inspired. He is also supported and protected by Roger Ailes and Rupert Murdoch who have made him the face of their so-called “news” network. On his Perfect Storm web site Beck promised that he would…

“…do my part by keeping this page updated and making sure you have access to the most current information.”

The page was last updated in May of 2008. I guess managing the fate of mankind has interfered with his promise to do his part.

Pope Glenn BeckYet his disciples continue to have faith in his vacant pronouncements. They follow blindly, convinced of his infallibility. How many times does he have to get it wrong before people will throw up their hands and stumble off to find another Snake Oil peddler? Is their faith in St. Beck so powerful that he could tell them that Obama is the Anti-Christ and they would buy it? To be fair, Beck hasn’t made that allegation yet. He merely hosted the author of “What Obama and the Antichrist have in common” on his program to explain the connection between Egypt and Wisconsin.

As Beck continues to sermonize on the evils of democratic uprisings in the Middle East, and the danger of the Madison Brotherhood and teachers’ unions in Wisconsin, remember that he is only seeking to protect the world from what he says is the single, unified goal of all the enemies of mankind: KAOS! (Where is Maxwell Smart when you need him?)

So beware, America, and stock up on water, guns and gold. Nail shut your bunkers and get down on your knees and repent harder than you’ve ever repented before. Because The Perfect Storm is here and it will wash away all the sinners and non-believers. And then it will brew a lovely pot of tea.

Jubilant Crowds Rejoice As Murdoch Steps Down

Posted by on February 11, 2011 at 10:51 am. 8 Comments :

News Corporation Chairman and CEO Rupert Murdoch has resigned and left New York City for his resort in Montauk ending his fifty year reign as a media monarch.


The era of Murdoch has officially ended and citizens the world over are celebrating. There has been no word yet as to the whereabouts of Fox News CEO Roger Ailes, but reports indicate that the news enterprise is being handed over to leaders within the Public Broadcasting System.

The announcement, delivered during Fox & Friends, set off a frenzy of celebration, with protesters shouting “America is free! No more lies! No more lies!”

PBS issued a communique pledging to carry out a variety of media reforms in a statement notable for its commitment to diversity, independence, and free speech. PBS’s statement alluded to the delegation of power to local broadcasters and it suggested that NPR would supervise implementation of the reforms.

Responding to the rapidly unfolding events, the White House released a statement saying that they are monitoring the situation closely and the President will speak directly to the issue very soon. The spokesman added that, “We are hopeful for a positive outcome and we congratulate the American people for their stunning and well-deserved victory.”

A thrilled Keith Olbermann said, “The American people have won. But it is now up to us to insure that journalistic ethics are restored and maintained.” Senator Al Franken, a former comedian and radio broadcaster, stopped to comment on his way to an emergency White House briefing and told reporters, “Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh God. Ha ha.”

Glenn Beck was reached at his gold-brick bunker in South Dakota surrounded by an armory and barrels of non-fluoridated water. But when asked for a comment he shouted from a crack in the door. “Marxists. Oh Mommy, Marxists. The Archduke Ferdinand Caliphate has begun. I won’t talk to the Jew media. Leave my property and take George Soros with you.” He then commenced firing genetically modified corn seeds at the press causing numerous tiny bruises, but no serious injuries.

The State Department was in disarray as news reports continued to update the situation. As diplomats scurried from ….. Oh wait a minute. There is new information coming in over the wire right now. What’s that? What is…..It wasn’t Murdoch, it was Mubarak?

Umm…..Never mind.

Happy New Fears Day

Posted by on January 1, 2011 at 1:36 am. 16 Comments :

From Glenn Beck and Fox News:

Happy New Fears Day


And best wishes for a year of full of trepidation, paranoia, and lunatic conspiracy theories featuring our Kenyan Marxist president and dictator, Barack Hussein Obama.

Yours Truly,
Glenn Beck

Bonus Beck Quote of the Year: “America, I’ve got to shoot straight with you: I think I’ve wasted your time.” March 10, 2010.

Jon Stewart Puts The So-Called “Real” News To Shame – Again

Posted by on December 14, 2010 at 2:23 pm. 3 Comments :

Last Thursday the Senate voted down a bill that would have provided health care for the 9/11 first responders, many of whom are suffering debilitating illnesses as a result of their heroic efforts following the worst act of terrorism in our nation’s history.

The James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act of 2010 failed to pass because every Republican senator voted against it. By contrast, every Democratic senator voted for it (with the exception of Majority Leader Harry Reid who changed his vote to “no” so that under senate rules he could bring it up for another vote).

As if it weren’t bad enough that the GOP once again put politics before people, the media exacerbated the insult by virtually ignoring the story altogether. There seemed to be a firewall erected across the mediasphere to insure that Americans didn’t learn that a pack of heartless Republican hypocrites had voted to let America’s heroes suffer and die.

However, there was at least one channel on your TV dial where you could have actually been informed about this significant issue. Guess which one:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Lame-as-F@#k Congress
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog</a> The Daily Show on Facebook

Jon Stewart has repeatedly insisted that he is only a comedian on a fake news show. But his work belies his modesty, just as it indicts the purveyors of “real” news as unprofessional hacks with a vested interest in maintaining a corrupt status quo. Stewart once again demonstrates why many regard him as more trustworthy than the conventional press, and he does it with passion, honesty and, of course, humor.

Glenn Beck’s Amazon Wish List Revealed

Posted by on December 6, 2010 at 2:50 pm. 2 Comments :

You’ll never guess what Glenn Beck wants for Christmas. Here’s a hint: It’s something he really, really needs.

Well, you don’t have to wonder any more. The crack investigators at News Corpse, with help from Glenn Beck Unhinged, have discovered Beck’s Wish List on Amazon.com.


Stop by and consider helping to make Glenn’s holiday the best ever.

Fox Spews: Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly And The Simpsons

Posted by on November 23, 2010 at 4:00 pm. NO Comments :

Fox Spews: An irregular column featuring selected morsels of regurgitated nonsense from everyone’s favorite propaganda pit.

Sarah Palin’s Alaska Ratings Plummet
 

After setting a TLC ratings record last week, Sarah Palin’s reality show plummeted for its second episode.

Sarah Palin’s Alaska fell 40% on Sunday night to 3 million viewers.

Not many were in the key adult demo either. Only 885,000 viewers were ages 18-49, dropping 44% from last week.

In fact, the median age of the show is 57 — that’s 15 years older than TLC’s average.

Gee. Who would have guessed that a program featuring a failed VP candidate and half-term governor, whose public approval is on par with herpes, would have trouble holding a television audience?

Glenn Beck’s Media Conspiracy Unraveled
 

During Glenn Beck’s Week of Soros, Beck advanced his theory that Soros was attempting to take control of the media. He offered as evidence a glimpse of a blackboard that he never showed close enough for the audience to see the elements of Soros’ alleged media empire. Well, I finally tracked down the source for Beck’s allegations. Wouldn’t you know, it was an article on Andrew Breitbart’s notoriously dishonest BigJournalism.

Beck’s Blackboard and BigJournalism’s media map (click images to see full size):

For the record, the Soros empire consists of NPR and a collection of mostly Internet media reform organizations. There is not a single prominent radio station or TV network or newspaper. Some empire. For comparison, Rupert Murdoch’s media empire consists of Fox News, Fox Business, the Fox Entertainment Network, FX, Fox Radio, the Fox TV Station Group, 20th Century Fox Studios, the Wall Street Journal, the New York Post, Harper Collins Publishers, MySpace, Hulu, and much more domestically and internationally. Which one sounds like a mogul trying to take control of the media to you?

Bill O’Reilly Strikes Back At The Simpsons
 

Last night The Simpsons took another swipe at their Godfather Rupert and Fox News. The segment had Murdoch arriving at a meeting of media moguls in a helicopter with the Fox News logo and the motto “Not Racist, But # 1 With Racists.” Not surprisingly, Bill O’Reilly took offense at this saying…

“Continuing to bite the hand that feeds part of it, Fox Broadcasting once again allows its cartoon characters to run wild. Pinheads? I believe so.”

Presumably O’Reilly is disturbed that the folks at one Fox division would disparage another. So his reaction is to do the same thing. How is O’Reilly calling the producers and writers of the Simpsons pinheads any different than what the Simpsons did? Except that the Simpsons were joking and O’Reilly was serious. It seems to me that it is O’Reilly who is “biting the hand that feeds” him. And it’s a much bigger and more profitable hand because the Simpsons routinely get about twice the ratings that O’Reilly does.

Glenn Beck Goes Full Blown Contrailer

Posted by on November 20, 2010 at 2:06 pm. 6 Comments :

These are boom days for conspiracy theories. You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting one. And who do you think killed the cat? Hmm?

We’ve seen the Birthers who demand to see President Obama’s birth certificate. We’ve seen the Truthers who allege that the U.S. government was in on 9/11. We’ve seen the Tenthers who cite the Tenth Amendment to the Constitution as justification for declaring everything from health care to income taxes as unconstitutional.


Now we have the debut of the Contrailers. Let me have Contrailer Creator Glenn Beck explain it to you:

Did you see the story today about the Chinese missiles and military? How many submarines they’re buying and how many missiles they have? And how they can destroy everything here in America with their missiles?

Do you really believe that that was an airplane contrail off the coast of California? Do you really believe that? Really?

That was a two stage missile. And don’t take that from Glenn Beck. Take that from Glenn Beck who knows an awful lot of people in the military.

Who launched that missile? Do you thinks it’s the military? I told you when that happened I don’t know enough about missiles.

Oh I do now. Oh I do now. And I talked to some military experts who know all about missiles.

What they’re telling you on television is bullcrap.

Really? That’s an airplane. Hmm. That’s an airplane. Shooting right out of the water. That’s an airplane. Why is it that it had the little…It had the little flame at the end?

I mean I lived in Florida. I’ve seen space shuttles launch before.

Come on. Two stage missile. That’s what that was.

Beck goes on to offer his theory for what the mysterious trails were:

China launches a missile to let everyone in the world know, including the United States of America, and especially the president of the United States of America, know how impotent you are.

There you have it. China somehow managed to navigate a submarine into the Los Angeles harbor without anyone catching on. Then they fired off an ICBM into the Pacific. And they took that risk and expense in order to emasculate the President. Makes perfect sense. Except for this.

You do know that insanity runs in his family, don’t you?