Devastating Loss: Victoria Jackson Falls Short In Bid For Commission Seat

It’s all over for these dis-United States. Democracy has been foiled in Tennessee as former Saturday Night Live bimbo and current ditzy ukulele strummer, Victoria Jackson, was defeated in her attempt to save America from communism and … let’s say demonically possessed Keebler elves.

Victoria Jackson

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Jackson’s campaign was likely sabotaged by President Obama who feared her truth-warbling and headstanding patriotism. Sources report seeing Attorney General Eric Holder, domestic terrorist Bill Ayres, and Viet Cong publicist Jane Fonda in the Williamson County area carrying off bags of ballots in biodegradable trash bags. Even more troubling, there were half a dozen black people seen exiting the polling place.

Jackson posted her concession speech on her website where she revealed her disappointment at having failed to win election to the county post she wanted so dearly. She wrote…

“My first reaction? Hmmm. Well, I don’t really like numbers, and Commissioners mostly talk about numbers, the budget.”

Phew. That was close. Had she won she might have had to actually do the job that she was campaigning for. Although that would have put her squarely in line with the rest of the Republican Tea Party politicians who insist that they hate government while begging people to vote for them. It’s the core principle of the right to say that government doesn’t work, and then spend their entire careers trying to prove it by screwing everything up. And speaking of “core,” Jackson couldn’t let this momentous occasion go by without mentioning her favorite conspiracy theories. In comments directed at her opponents she said that…

“…they are not informed about Agenda 21 and Common Core […] and are not aware that the Obama Administration and the fast-moving lunge toward socialism in our country has begun to erase our freedoms.”

That is further evidence of why this loss is so devastating. How can America survive without the wisdom, talent, tenacity, and inspiration of this national treasure? The country is now in full retreat as the forces of evil have prevailed in Tennessee. Here is just taste of what the nation will be deprived of:

Typically, this sad news was buried at the bottom of the lamestream media’s USA Today report announcing the equally distressing news that Tea Party candidate, and Sarah Palin favorite, Joe Carr lost to establishment Republican traitor Lamar Alexander. It’s what they call in the journalism biz, burying the lede.

The Tea Party’s Dream Candidate Files For Tennessee Election

There is joy in Teaville today as perhaps the most admired figure in the ultra-rightist wing of the GOP has answered their hopes and taken concrete steps to embark on a political career.

Victoria Jackson

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That’s right, former Saturday Night Live ukelele strummer, Victoria Jackson, has declared her candidacy for a seat as a county commissioner in Williamson County, Tennessee. As a commissioner Jackson can be expected to bring her unique “knowledge” of economics, urban planning, law enforcement, business development, and government administration to Williamson’s county hall. Plus, she can recite poetry while standing on her head.

Jackson is revered for her policy positions that include support for a White History Month and opposition to gay marriage. She is a staunch opponent of Islam which she characterized in song as being pro-beheading and pedophilia. She promises that her campaign will focus on issues important to Williamson County’s citizens, like resisting the Muslim Brotherhood, battling the U.N.’s Agenda 21 conspiracy, and obstructing Common Core standards for education.

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Once in office Jackson can be expected to be a small government, fiscally conservative advocate for the Constitution and the Christian values that she would unconstitutionally impose on her neighbors. And when the county meetings got to be a little dull, she could whip out her uke and do a chorus of “There’s A Communist Living in the White House!”

If you live in Williamson County, be sure to give Victoria your support and your vote. She told local reporters that she is running a campaign that will rely on word of mouth rather than conventional fundraising, so it may be difficult to donate. But we at News Corpse are wishing her the best and hope that she prevails. Good luck Victoria.

PolitiChicks: Victoria Jackson & Co. Love Muslims And Gays

Here’s a logic puzzle for you: What comes next in this list?

Donald Trump, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich…

Of course, it’s former Saturday Night Live bimbo Victoria Jackson, who is continuing her performance as the greatest comedy hoax of all time. There is simply no way that what she has been doing and saying can be real. The only place her antics could be taken seriously would a Republican primary debate. In fact, if she were to announce her candidacy today she would probably be the next front-runner within days.

Jackson’s latest project (video below) is an Internet talk show that aspires to be a right-wing version of The View. In the debut episode Jackson shines with her Dadaist comedic stylings. She gets the show rolling with her song about Muslims that casts them as bloodthirsty pedophiles. The ensuing conversation leads to the shared conclusion that “all Muslims are not terrorists but all terrorists are Muslims. That’s just a fact.”

Jackson is quick to point out that she loves Muslims, she just hates what they believe. It’s her Christian faith that requires that she love these people whom she regards as mass murderers. What’s more, she simply can’t understand “why liberals are pro-Muslim and pro-gay, because Muslims kill gays.” I supposed she is similarly confused as to why conservatives are anti-Muslim and anti-gay, for the same reason. The truth about liberals, however, is that they are pro-Constitution, and they know that American Muslims are no more likely to kill gays than extremist, Republican evangelicals like Jackson.

The happy talk continued with Jackson almost opining on matters ranging from Obama’s support for “the thing built on ground zero” [a mosque], to meat preparation “like how Jews do” [keeping Kosher]. This open and freewheeling discussion then turned to the subject of free speech, which Jackson and her co-panelist lamented as having been abolished decades ago:

Jackson: It used to be America, you could say whatever you want. Now everyone can say what you want except if you love the country and God and the family.
Ann-Marie Murrell: If you’re conservative you basically have to shut up and listen and let them say whatever they want. That’s the way it’s been for about 40 years now.

Exactly. Which is why everything they just said has been banned and cannot be heard by anyone, and warrants have been issued for their arrest. Neither can anyone hear their complaints about gay marriage because it infringes on the rights of others. For example, the churches that would be forced to perform marriage ceremonies for same-sex couples. Of course, that isn’t true, but how could Jackson know that. Her research ability has been hobbled by a recent startling and terrifying discovery:

“I just found out that Snopes is owned by George Soros.”

Uh oh. Now where will she go to get the truth about rumors she reads in anonymous chain emails? Rumors like Snopes being owned by George Soros. Just to be sure, I did some research myself on this rumor and discovered this on Snopes:

“The web site is (and always has been) a completely independent, self-sufficient entity wholly owned by its operators, Barbara and David Mikkelson, and funded through advertising revenues. Neither the site nor its operators has ever received monies from (or been engaged in any business or editorial relationship with), any sponsor, investor, partner, political party, religious group, business organization, government agency, or any other outside group or organization.”

That’s pretty definitive, but what else would you expect from a Soros controlled web site? The unabridged idiocy of this group is both hilarious and frightening. And the scariest part is that very little of what is said strays far from the mainstream of the Republican Party and its current crop of presidential candidates. Watch the whole video here:

And if that’s not enough, catch episode #2 here. It’s a classic that focuses on President Obama’s fake citizenship and contains another song by Jackson (“Yes, I am a Birther and I’m really, really proud”). Somewhere Andy Kaufman is squirting milk through his nose.

Victoria Jackson: The Greatest Comedy Hoax Ever

OK…I’m convinced. The recent ravings of former Saturday Night Live resident ditzy blond, Victoria Jackson, have to be part of the most deviously complex comedy hoax ever. Somewhere in a secret bunker Andy Kaufman is obviously plotting this whole thing out. Here is what she writes in her latest column for WorldNetDaily:

“Hitler, like Obama, was a “socialist” who came from a dysfunctional family, had a communist father who abused alcohol, womanized and sired several children from different mothers, had a white mother, suffered child abuse and neglect, moved often, lied about his birth and heritage, changed his name, was a narcissist, rose to power with the help of disreputable men, had the Rothschilds as financial backers, stirred up racial conflict and class warfare, wrote a biography about race at age 35, followed up with another book used to launch a political career, supported infanticide (partial-birth abortion), gave big speeches in stadiums, promised change and a new social order, had youth groups singing his praises, used propaganda, used voter fraud and intimidation, controlled the media, created “crises,” used a poor economy, hated Jews (Israel), pretended to be “Christian,” advocated population control and euthanasia, socialized medicine, formed a private army and then … killed his political opposition with his private army.

Well, I am Obama’s political opposition. That’s why I am concerned.”

That’s right. Victoria Jackson thinks Obama is going to kill her with his private army. BRAVO! That is some righteous comedy. I hope. Oh God, I hope.

Handicapping The Race For Glenn Beck’s Successor

On April 6th Fox News and Glenn Beck announced that his program would be “transitioning” off the air. Reminds me a little of when Charlie Sheen was transitioned off of Two and a Half Men. And so, as the chalk dust settles, it is time to look ahead.

On April 1st, just a few days prior to this announcement, I rather prophetically “revealed” a list of candidates that Fox News was considering to replace Beck. It included such conservative luminaries as Ann Coulter, Andrew Breitbart, and Ted Nugent. Now I would like to offer my own musings on how Fox could fill their 5:00pm slot.

The Favorite: Judge Andrew Napolitano. He is currently the most frequent fill-in host for Beck and holds almost identical views. If anything, he leans even further off the ledge by openly asserting the 9/11 Truther position that the World Trade Center attack was an inside job.

The Gender Card: Laura Ingraham. She has the reliably wingnut views that are a prerequisite for Fox anchordom. More importantly, she fulfills Fox’s blonde quotient. She’s paid her dues filling in for Bill O’Reilly and would bring a sizable radio audience, just as her predecessor did.

The Young Turk: Eric Bolling. He currently hosts a program on Fox’s floundering business network and may be due for a transfer to the mother ship. He has filled in for Beck and appears as a guest on several Fox shows. But this guy may want it too bad. His delivery is that of someone in a permanent state of shock. On second thought, he may have shot.

The Lone Stranger: Juan Williams. Fox shelled out $2 million for Williams when he was booted out of NPR. By giving him his own show they might be able to justify that ridiculous outlay for an occasional commentator. Plus they would fill a dual demographic hole in their schedule by promoting an African-American liberal. However, that is also two strikes against any Fox News hopeful. Even though Williams is barely a liberal, the fact that he isn’t batshit insane might be enough to disqualify him alone. And since Fox’s audience is more than 98% white, the race card isn’t worth much to them.

The Dark Horse: G. Gordon Liddy. This former Watergate burglar would love to bring his radio shtick to television. He has a loyal following and would be able to retain all of Beck’s survivalist products advertisers. He would provide a consistent transition for the American Patriopaths who revere God, gold, and guns.

Of course, there are plenty of other options for Fox. They could poach Rick Santelli from CNBC. He’s the guy who got the whole Tea Party parade marching. Or they could just stretch Bret Baier’s program for an extra hour. That would be cheap and it would refocus the network on news – something which with they have little experience.

And then there’s my favorite contestant: Victoria Jackson. She has Tea Party cred and is guaranteed to never say anything that would go over the heads of the Fox viewers – or their kids.

What You Missed At The Beverly Hills Tea Party

In lieu of the next 1,000 words…

The much ballyhooed Beverly Hills Tea Party took place yesterday and exceeded all expectations – for lameness. It was the epitome of a Beverly Hills Flop. The turnout was a paltry couple of hundred in a city of four million. And, not surprisingly, it was almost exclusively white.

Just to underscore the significance of that, the population of Los Angeles, which surrounds the tiny patch of real estate that makes up Beverly Hills, is only 49% Caucasian. It would be nearly impossible to snap a photo at random anywhere in L.A. County without capturing a fair representation of people of color. Only at a Tea Party could this homogeneity be accomplished. [Note to Tea Partiers: Relax, that’s not a gay reference. Look it up]

What they hope to achieve by staging an anti-tax rally in the heart of one of the most affluent communities in the country is difficult to surmise. The denizens of Beverly Hills are the prime benefactors of Republican policies that favor the rich and well-connected. And since those are the same people who bankroll the Tea Party you can’t help but notice a certain conflict of interest. The sad part is that the Tea Partiers have fallen for this crusade on behalf of the enfranchised insiders and truly believe that these elitist millionaires are fighting for the interests of working and middle class citizens.

The festivities were led by ancient pop crooner Pat Boone. And it just got better from there. The speakers roster included the terminally choleric Andrew Breitbart, the neo-fascist David Horowitz, and internationally renowned political analyst Victoria Jackson, who sang her big Tea Party hit “There’s a Communist Living in the White House.” That’s just a representative sample of the reality-based insight emanating from the 90291 stage.

And what Tea Party would be complete without Fox News pumping up the propaganda volume? William La Jeunesse covered the event for Fox like a giddy high school newspaper correspondent at a Justin Bieber concert. After a perfunctory acknowledgment that L.A. is predominately liberal, as are many actors, directors, etc., he says that behind every one of those celebrities are numerous grips, electricians, and production people, who he implies would sympathize with the Tea Baggers. Had he spent more time in Hollywood he would know that those people are mostly union workers who support health care reform, Wall Street regulation, taxing the rich, and other Democratic initiatives that form the basis of the Tea Party’s grievances.

To be sure, there are celebrity types who embrace conservative causes, including those held by the Tea Party. They include inspiring contemporary artists like Chuck Norris, Jon Voight, and Ted Nugent. But if they think that their little soiree in the park adjacent to Rodeo Drive is an indication of their widespread acceptance, they are even more delusional than was previously believed.

The Eight Most Irritating Conservative Celebrities

Art InsurgencyOrdinarily I wouldn’t go out of my way to chastise celebrities for articulating an opinion. In fact, I believe that artists were meant to express themselves and that they are capable of shaping insights in ways that enable people to relate. Contrary to the censorious right-wingers who reduce artists to court jesters whose only value is to amuse, I support the rights and obligations of all people to exercise their freedom of speech – even artists who are often the best at doing so.

However, the uber-conservative magazine Human Events posted another typical rightist paean to the “shut up and sing” nonsense practiced by society’s self-appointed defenders of virtue and approved thought. Their slate of “The Eight Most Irritating Liberal Celebrities” contains some of the brightest and most charitable people in the entertainment business, including in descending order:

  • Robert Redford
  • Matt Damon
  • Al Gore
  • Janeane Garofalo
  • Joy Behar
  • Michael Moore
  • Rosie O’Donnell
  • Roger Ebert

Suffice it to say that Human Events took liberties with the facts. They disparaged these fine, talented people with innuendo and misrepresented their positions and thoughts. They resorted to juvenile insults akin to calling people dumb or fat. They even mocked Ebert’s recent bout with cancer.

Since these are some of the most popular public figures of the day, America doesn’t seem to agree with the folks at Human Events. The irony of that is made clearer when you compare them their counterparts on the right. And therefore, I give you my list of…

The Eight Most Irritating Conservative Celebrities:

Ben Stein
This hybrid actor/pundit’s career was literally built on his being irritating (Bueller?). In the years following that electrifying debut, Stein escalated the breadth of his annoying personality to embrace a free market fantasy that revealed the shallowness of his reputed expertise in economics. Throw in a heap of sexism and a willingness to whore himself out as a spokesperson for disreputable credit schemes and you have a recipe for chronic distemper.

Mel Gibson
Gibson demonstrated his theatrical gifts early in his career. His roles in “The Year of Living Dangerously” and “Mad Max” proved he could tackle depth, action, and humor. Unfortunately, his filmography after that became an almost non-stop succession of vengeance, violence, and scenery chomping as a stand-in for emoting. But what’s worse was his submersion into cultist Christianity and anti-Antisemitism. Nothing is quite as irritating as overt hate-speech.

Chuck Norris
Having to watch this no-talent hack embarrass himself through his atrocious movies is bad enough. But having to endure him on the campaign trail is just cruel. His lame attempts to portray Mike Huckabee as a superhero fell as flat as the notion of himself still claiming that mantle despite his advanced age and decrepitude.

Stephen Baldwin
What can I say? Baldwin was never not irritating. He built on that reputation by starring in unreality shows and begging for donations to “restore” himself from bankruptcy. Clearly Stephen’s brothers hogged all the talent in the family and selfishly left him a miserable loser and a wretched failure. Come to think of it, he may be more pathetic than irritating.

Jon Voight
This one-hit wonder has managed to keep his name in the papers by having a very public feud with his more famous (and more talented) daughter, Angelina Jolie, and by drinking the Glenn Beck Kool-Aid by the gallon. With a prominent ignorance of history and government, Voight still mouths off about socialist conspiracies and Constitutional abuses that exist only his Beck-infected brain.

Dennis Miller
One of the saddest stories in the entertainment world is the tale of the once promising newcomer who winds up a pathetic has-been and resorts to desperately grasping for attention by any means he can muster. Even if it means becoming a toady for the likes of Bill O’Reilly and dressing up as a born again neo-con. Miller’s new persona is devoutly conservative, but he retains his penchant for indecipherably obscure references. Listening to him is like sitting through a Xenophanic allocution on Byzantine incandescence.

Ted Nugent
Approaching the nadir of irritatability is the Motor City Jackass himself. Nugent has become a cartoonish proponent of guns and animal massacre. His rants against government spending and social welfare are high decibel testimonials to selfishness and coldhearted disinterest in anyone less fortunate than he is. During the 2008 campaign Nugent brandished machine guns on stage and made obscene threats directed at Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and other Democrats. His behavior crossed the line from irritating to abusive, hostile, and unconscionably grotesque.

Victoria Jackson
To wit…..

Nuff said.

If the editors at Human Events want to get into this battle they first need to explain how they can criticize the left for embracing their Hollywood allies, while simultaneously latching on to their own decidedly less talented batch of elitists. They ought to think twice before provoking a “Battle of the Irritating Stars.” when they have a far more annoying roster of vexatious celebrities. And it is notable that most of their idols are rejects who have no current career opportunities save for appearances on Fox News and at Tea Parties.

[Update] Tim Graham, the Director of Media Analysis at the Media Research Center, has posted a response to this article at NewsBusters. He took a shot at me, referring to News Corpse as a “vicious media-criticism website.” I regard this as a compliment considering the source. NewsBusters is the model for vicious media-criticism websites.

SNL Faceoff: Victoria Jackson vs. Al Franken

Andrew Breitbart’s Big Hollywood is providing us with an intimate look into what has become of a couple of former Saturday Night Live cast members and how their paths have diverged.

First we have Al Franken who holds a degree from Harvard in political science. And while he ended up pursuing a career in comedy, he often featured political content in his work, hosted a radio show on Air America, and authored several books. In short, he was never too far from his academic focus or from the public debate over important issues that faced our nation.

Then there is Victoria Jackson. Jackson is a graduate of Palm Beach Atlantic University, a faith-based institution, where she received a degree in theater. She achieved star status by reciting poetry while doing handstands and portraying an array of ditzy blonds.

Franken went on to become a United States senator. Jackson went on to appearances on Pat Robertson’s 700 Club and a reality TV show for overweight celebrities (Celebrity Fit Club).

Now we can see an example of Jackson’s unique insight into public affairs and political discourse in an article written for Breitbart’s Big Hollywood. Amongst her revelations are accusations that “Obama legally kills babies and now he can legally kill Grandmas!” She continues…

“Hitler did this. He killed the weak, the sick, the old, and babies and races/religions he didn’t like. Hitler also controlled the media. (Where’s the public debate between scientists on ‘Climate Change/Global Warming?’) Hitler had the VW bug invented as the state car. What will O’s nationalized car be? So… kill off the weak. That’s the plan. Tax the workers to death. Erase the middle class. Sounds like the evil governments we studied in high school long ago. The evil governments were : kings, oligarchies, facist, socialist, and communist. Now it’s called the Obama Administration. Sounds like candy or a rock band.”

Jackson is just another in the lengthening list of Tea Baggers who compare Obama to Hitler. But she does so in a distinctly demented tone that disparages Volkswagons, puts climate change deniers on equal footing with peer-reviewed scientists, and seems to think that the Democrats’ proposals to rollback tax cuts for the rich is somehow going to harm workers and the middle class.

To top it off, Jackson relates a tale wherein she harangues the proprietor of gift shop in Burbank with her paranoid delusions. She is surprised that the store’s owner and employees are less than anxious to jump on to her crazy train. After failing repeatedly to get a rise out these poor folks, she writes that she drove away thinking “Ignorance is Bliss.”

She oughta know.