Bill O’Reilly’s Crackpot Conspiracy Zone: Sandra Fluke Edition

Bill O'ReillySensing that his O’Reilly Factor was losing the competition for most ludicrous punditry to his old nemesis Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly has just uncovered the conspiracy of the century. It’s a convoluted scheme that has confounded all other pundit participants. O’Reilly laid out the basics in his Talking Points Memo segment tonight.

O’Reilly: “As we reported last night, the Factor believes the Sandra Fluke contraception controversy was manufactured to divert attention away from the Obama administration’s disastrous decision to force Catholic non-profit organizations to provide insurance coverage for birth control and the morning after pill.”

Did you catch it? The Factor (Bill’s pet name for himself) believes that Fluke was sent (by Obama? Soros? Fidel?) to divert attention away from the perilous issue of health insurance coverage for contraceptives by – get this – talking about health insurance coverage for contraceptives. What could be more devious? It was a brilliant subterfuge, but not brilliant enough to fool O’Reilly. The Obama team should never have tried to outsmart the Factor. Especially with lame antics like this one.

O’Reilly: “Nancy Pelosi staged a mock hearing starring Sandra. After which Rush Limbaugh made derogatory comments elevating her to left-wing martyrdom. So it seems there is a powerful presence behind Sandra Fluke.”

Only O’Reilly could have figured out that Rush Limbaugh was one of the conspirators. The plan would never have come so close to success were it not for Limbaugh’s ham-handed incivility toward Fluke, or so it appeared. And it was O’Reilly who recognized that Limbaugh was the powerful presence behind her.

In hindsight it seems obvious that this whole affair was designed to benefit the President, as O’Reilly observed. Somehow the President’s strategists concocted a plot wherein an unknown law student would manage to manipulate the Republican chairman of a congressional committee to refuse to let her participate, and then she would trick the country’s top radio talk show host into verbally assaulting her. What could be simpler?

O’Reilly even nailed down a suspicious connection. Apparently Fluke is now represented by the PR firm of former White House director of communications, Anita Dunn. And even though that relationship began after Fluke had become embroiled in this national controversy, O’Reilly still thinks there is something significant about her hooking up with a Democratic affiliated firm that employs someone who left her job at the White House over two years ago. A lesser mind might have mistakenly thought that Fluke would sign with a GOP PR firm. And it was a stroke of genius for Dunn to wait almost two and a half years before executing this plot so that people might forget about her presidential resume.

You have to hand to O’Reilly for persevering in his quest to pierce the cloak of secrecy surrounding this chicanery. After all these years the old boy still has it.


16 thoughts on “Bill O’Reilly’s Crackpot Conspiracy Zone: Sandra Fluke Edition

  1. It’s hard to fool a mind like Bill. The most intriguing part was how Ms Fluke tricked Rush into attacking her for 3 straight days.
    It must have been mind control from the WH. Maybe it was Bo.

    He always did look suspicious. Never fear, O’Reilly will get to the bottom of this nefarious plot.

  2. If you are going to write a sarcastic post about this situation, the least you could do is not lie so much.

    • If you are going to accuse someone of lying, the least you could do is point out a single untrue statement. Or is it your goal be a douche bag?

      • Why, yes it is! My goal is to be an even bigger douchebag than Rick Santorum. And I’ve got the sweater vests to prove it!

      • Mark, you know Dave will just find one statistic you had 1.3% off of actual and call that a “lie”.

        • You’re giving him too much credit. If he were able to do that he would have. 😉

      • Lie #1. The Factor is not Bill’s pet name for anything.

        Lie #2. O’Reilly never said Fluke was “sent” by anyone. He said she was being used by the Democrats and that it “may” have gone as high as the White House.

        • Wonder what’s really bugging this guy. Doubt it has much to do with politics.

        • #1. He refers to his show as “The Factor” all the time.

          #2. Watch out for those black helicopters. They’re coming for YOU.

        • He refers to his show as “The Factor” and in an indirect way uses the phrase to speak of himself (or his team) in the third person. And really, Dave, if we’re parsing words here, is that really “lying” on Mark’s part, or just an interpretation? And O’Reilly DID allude to Fluke having a “presence behind her” which is tantamount to being “sent”. Again, you parse words so finely to find “lies” in every sentence Mark writes. Why not just give your interpretation as a way to rebut Mark instead of yelling “liar” every day?

  3. I wonder how Bill O sleeps at night, with all the people he thinks are after him. O’reilly’s not really paranoid, he just seems that way, because of his conspiracy theories. He doesn’t belive any of this shit. He repeats what he is told to by Roger Ailes. That’s all this show is.

  4. One of your finer parodies! I liked and Scarelarious & Hilarifying too.

  5. to abuse a Brillo quote:

    Crap goes in, Crap goes out…never a misfire.

    Brillo is just scared of loosing ground to Bolling and the rest of the Three Stooges Gretch, Retch and Douchebag conspiracy quackery machine.

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