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Fox News Caught In Massive Nielsen Ratings Fraud

Posted by on April 1, 2010 at 11:44 am. 47 Comments :

Update 4/2/2010: A major development occurred overnight.
It is now April 2, 2010! (no foolin).
Update 5/10/2010: See this new analysis and addendum.

This week saw the release of the quarterly ratings performance data for television programming. Much of the reporting on this story focused on the dominant position Fox News retains in the cable news sector. As has been the case for several years, Fox News smothered the competition and experienced rapid growth while other news programmers stagnated or declined.

While most industry insiders accept the routine pronouncements from the sole ratings provider, Nielsen Media Research, without question, some observers could not help but notice a certain incongruity in the results. How is it, they wonder, that Fox News can be so consistently in the lead despite their obvious niche programming focus on a narrow segment of the viewing audience. The decidedly right-of-center bias of Fox News corresponds to a rather small portion of the national electorate. Republican favorability has been hovering in the mid-twenties for years. So how does this negligible slice of the market translate into such a disproportionate ratings advantage?

The answer may be evident in new disclosures of business relationships that call into question the integrity of Nielsen’s data. With the rollout of its People Meter methodology in the early 2000’s, Nielsen entered the high-tech era of TV market research. It was heralded as a major advancement of data collection that would vastly improve the ability of producers, programmers and advertisers to evaluate the marketplace. But as with any upheaval in the status quo, there were skeptics and dissenters. Chief amongst them was Fox Broadcasting, who argued that the new system significantly under-counted African-Americans, a key component of their audience at the time. There was also a question as to the security of the new set-top boxes that would be recording viewer choices. With the introduction of technology comes the risk of miscalculations and tampering. But eventually the complaints receded or were resolved and the new service took its place as the signature survey product for television marketing.

It was during this time, subsequent to the implementation of People Meters, that Fox News began its rapid ascent to ratings dominance. A prudent observer might wonder how this new system came to report so much more favorably for a network that had fiercely opposed its adoption. What transpired that caused Fox News to withdraw their objections and become the biggest beneficiary of the change?

It has recently been discovered that the Wegener Corporation, the manufacturer of the set-top devices that Nielsen uses, has a long association with Rupert Murdoch and the News Corporation, the parent of Fox News. Wegener was founded by the former management of Scientific-Atlanta, a producer of set-top boxes for cable access and other purposes. One of the other products in Scientific-Atlanta’s line was a device used by Gemstar to provide television program listings to cable operators and their subscribers. Gemstar was an affiliate of TV Guide, which in turn was owned by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. So the executives who were responsible for developing and manufacturing Murdoch’s equipment for Gemstar became the principles of the company providing Nielsen with their ratings collection devices. And around that same time Fox News dropped their objections to the new People Meter service.

It would not be difficult to encode an electronic device so that it would purposefully miscalculate survey data. A simple algorithm to multiply a target by a fixed percentage could produce a result that would artificially inflate one set of figures while keeping it in proportion to a larger set, making it virtually impossible to detect. At present, their is no confirmation that such a deception has been contrived. It would require a thorough examination of Nielsen’s hardware and the ability to reverse engineer the chips inside of it. But for those who presume that it would be an outlandish notion, they would be well advised to study recent news events that uncovered similarly scandalous conduct on the part of News Corp.

One situation involves a digital recorder and satellite receiver made by NDS Group for Murdoch’s Sky network in Europe. Unlike TiVo, the Sky+ system records “personal viewing information,” which is information about your viewing practices that is tied to your contact information (i.e., it’s not kept anonymous, like TiVo’s).

In addition to that, NDS was also charged with using spies and hackers to steal Sky competitor Dish Network’s programming and make it available to viewers for free, thus undercutting Dish’s financial viability. As reported in Wired Magazine:

“The case involves a colorful cast of characters that includes former intelligence agents, Canadian TV pirates, Bulgarian and German hackers, stolen e-mails and the mysterious suicide of a Berlin hacker who had been courted by the Murdoch company not long before his death.

On the hot spot is NDS Group, a UK-Israeli firm that makes smartcards for pay-TV systems like DirecTV. The company is a majority-owned subsidiary of Murdoch’s News Corporation. The charges stem from 1997 when NDS is accused of cracking the encryption of rival NagraStar, which makes access cards and systems for EchoStar’s Dish Network and other pay-TV services. Further, it’s alleged NDS then hired hackers to manufacture and distribute counterfeit NagraStar cards to pirates to steal Dish Network’s programming for free.”

On yet another occasion Murdoch’s news group engaged in some sleazy and illegal behavior to get stories about celebrities and politicians. The Guardian reported that Murdoch paid substantial sums of money to keep this scandal under wraps:

“Rupert Murdoch’s News Group Newspapers has paid out more than £1m to settle legal cases that threatened to reveal evidence of his journalists’ repeated involvement in the use of criminal methods to get stories.

The payments secured secrecy over out-of-court settlements in three cases that threatened to expose evidence of Murdoch journalists using private investigators who illegally hacked into the mobile phone messages of numerous public ­figures as well as gaining unlawful access to confidential personal data, including tax records, social security files, bank statements and itemised phone bills. Cabinet ministers, MPs, actors and sports stars were all targets of the private investigators.”

And if that’s not enough, check into the incestuous and disturbing web of connections Murdoch has to the communists in China. Glenn Beck tried to pull the veil off of this one but was censored by his own employer.

Given the history of sleazy conduct and nefarious associations, is it really that far-fetched to conclude that something similar has taken place with regard to Murdoch’s relationship to Nielsen and the firm that manufactures their ratings collection devices? It would explain how Fox News could wind up with such a dominate lead in the ratings despite catering to a relatively small potential audience. It would explain why Fox suddenly halted their objections to a new process that they previously considered inaccurate and biased against them.

It would also explain a deep discrepancy between the allegedly broad viewing of Fox News and their nearly invisible impact on the political landscape. If Fox were as ubiquitous as they (and the ratings) claim, then why, during the years of their strongest growth, did they fail to move the country to their positions. With a sustained 24/7 propaganda effort, Fox failed to stop the 2006 Democratic takeover of Congress. They failed to stop the 2008 election of Barack Obama despite incessant and false allegations of him being a Muslim, a radical leftist, and a pal of terrorists. They failed to stop the 2010 passage of a health care bill despite charges of socialism, death panels, and national bankruptcy. Does this sound like a network that holds a commanding majority of America’s television viewers under its sway?

To be sure, I am not the first to question the legitimacy of Nielsen’s numbers. Many people in the industry quietly accept what they regard as a flawed methodology simply because there is no alternative – or because proposed alternatives are even less acceptable. When it suits their purpose, even Fox News complains about the ratings. And I’m not talking about simple complaints concerning minor numerical inconsistencies, but allegations of rampant fraud that warrant federal investigation. After basking in the glow of Nielsen’s data, Bill O’Reilly turns around and castigates them as having “major problems…that have benefited MSNBC,” and asserts that…

O’Reilly: “The bottom line on this is there may be some big-time cheating going on in the ratings system, and we hope the feds will investigate. Any fraud in the television rating system affects all Americans.”

Of course the “feds” don’t have any jurisdiction over private market research firms. And it’s rather hypocritical for O’Reilly to suddenly advocate for big government intruding on the free market. But conservatives like O’Reilly are not averse to hypocrisy when it furthers their agenda. And in this case the agenda is to work the refs at Nielsen and suppress any notion that Fox is not the king of the television hill.

In conclusion, if we are to have any certainty as to who the real king of the hill is, we will need to get to the bottom of this lingering controversy surrounding Nielsen’s systems and procedures. The connection to Murdoch’s covert operations and his history of unlawful corporate espionage cannot be dismissed. Nielsen must investigate their equipment providers and perform intensive examinations of the devices they place in viewers’ homes. Anything short of this would leave them open to charges of complicity and render their survey data useless.

Myth Blusters: Sarah Palin Headed For Discovery

Posted by on March 25, 2010 at 10:55 am. 1 Comments :

The news that Sarah Palin’s Alaska has been picked up by the Discovery Channel should not come as a surprise to astute observers. After all, there are great opportunities for synergy with other Discovery properties.

First of all, Discovery has been on the forefront of environmental education. They broadcast documentaries on the subject frequently and even have a network devoted to the subject: Planet Green. This melds perfectly with Palin’s broadcast experience on the environment, which centers around her beliefs that global warming is a hoax and that we should “drill everywhere.” Her current employer, Fox News, also has an official position that states its commitment to the planet and reducing its carbon footprint, yet employs climate change deniers to convince their audience that the whole thing was trumped up by fascists and marketing executives at GE. So now both networks present people on air that are diametrically opposed to their official policies – and to science.

Secondly, Discovery’s schedule is loaded with complimentary programming. For instance…

  • Dirty Jobs: A peak into the world of politics.
  • Deadliest Catch: An examination of the loopholes in health insurance policies.
  • Cash Cab: Intimate stories of taxi rides with Washington lobbyists.

I haven’t actually seen any of these shows but I’m pretty sure that’s the gist of it.

But the big opportunity exists with Discovery’s best known show, Mythbusters. Just imagine the wealth of Palin-related material that Adam and Jamie can explore and debunk.

I can’t wait for their show Death Panels; or the trip to Alaska to find out just how much of Russia is visible from Palin’s porch; or their experiments on shooting wolves from helicopters; or the investigation into where that bridge to nowhere really went.

Congratulations Discovery. You have tea-bagged yourselves one heckuva star. I’m sure she will bring to the network a measure of respectability and credibility that you have long sought. And as for viewers…you couldn’t imagine a more compatible demographic of anti-science, God-fearing, creationists. I expect this show to be a ratings bonanza – for about fifteen minutes.

Late Breaking: Discovery will be airing Palin’s show on its TLC: The Learning Channel (which may have to undergo a name change). Her program will appear alongside “What Not to Wear,” “Paranormal Court,” and “Cake Boss.” And soon the premiere of “Sarah and Todd Plus Five.”

Jon Stewart: A Pawn Of The Insurance Lobby?

Posted by on March 19, 2010 at 5:38 pm. 4 Comments :

Last night on the Daily Show, Jon Stewart let down his guard and revealed that he is not the independent voice of reason that he would like everyone to believe. He is not the beacon of truth who slays the hypocrites and deceivers of the international media conspiracy. No, he is just another lackey of powerful corporate interests that want to take over your life. The shocking evidence of this followed a segment wherein he mocked Fox News’ CPO (Chief Paranoia Officer), Glenn Beck:

At the end of this innocuous (and hilarious) comedic skit, Stewart’s true colors were shown. As he announced that the program would be back after a commercial break, a graphic appeared on screen, accompanied by a voice-over, divulging that the Daily Show was brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

PROGRESSIVE Insurance? If you were not previously convinced of Stewart’s complicity in the clandestine plot to destroy America, well, you can no longer feign ignorance. This is an overt admission of his membership in a cabal that hates the principles that made this country great. It is a cabal that includes one-world government advocates and global industrialists like Warren Buffet and Rupert Murdoch. This covert coalition is so thoroughly ingrained in our culture that it brazenly plays both sides of the fence as it seduces and perverts our country, our neighbors, and even our children. If you think you are safe from this threat, think again. Even Glenn Beck has fallen into its web. Pay close attention to his own words:

Beck, 02/20/10: “Progressivism is the cancer in America and it is eating our Constitution. And it was designed to eat the Constitution.”

Do you hear that Jon Stewart? Progressivism was built from the ground up to be hungry for parchment made of – can you believe this? – HEMP! Progressivism just wants to get stoned by consuming the document that enumerates our great nation’s values as if it was a batch of Alice B. Stalin brownies. And after you’re shit-faced (that’s a medical term – look it up), the forces of evil are free to feed you any ludicrous notion that suits their whim, i.e. social justice:

Beck, 11/03/09: “Progressives think they know better than you and they want to control every aspect of your life. […] They like to call it “social justice” or fairness; I like to call it Marxism.”

And with that, Beck prevailed upon his disciples to abandon their corrupt churches for ministering to the poor. With regard to the progressive obsession for control, Stewart ridiculed this threat last night with obscene references to self-gratification. But this threat is all too real. Witness the remarks Beck made on the subject earlier this month:

Beck, 03/12/10: “So here is the deal, if you don’t have insurance and you need to take the government insurance, then the government has the right to regulate every aspect of your life.”

There you have it. When even Glenn Beck can declare publicly that the government has the right to rule over you like a slave master, then you know the risks are deadly serious. And notice how Beck wavers between a complaint that progressives want to regulate “every aspect of your life,” to an assertion that the government already has that right which he regards as entirely appropriate. This is all carefully designed to freak you out!

It is no accident that Jon Stewart is sponsored by Progressive Insurance. And it ought not to surprise you that Beck was once sponsored by GEICO (but they recently left him along with 100 other advertisers).

Note that GEICO, which is owned by billionaire and Illuminati lord Warren Buffet, was originally known as the “Government Employees Insurance Company.” That’s right! It was a state takeover of insurance by government union thugs. Today GEICO is supposedly engaged in fierce competition with Progressive. This may explain why Beck is so adamantly opposed to the Progressives who are sponsoring Stewart. Or maybe not. In the end they are all a part of the same congregation of villainy and much of the contentiousness may be staged to throw us off.

But whatever you do, don’t be mislead. They are coming after us. They are determined and relentless and, in addition to that, they just keep going and going (which reminds me, watch out for that cap and trade Energizer bill, and take your Avodart). And don’t let the veneer of comedy seduce you into submission. This is not about rodeo clowns and satirists. It is not about laughter and wackiness and goofballs who act like they’re crazy. Never forget these words from someone who knows what it means to be presumed to be nuts:

“I have been laughed to scorn as a prophet; for many a year my warnings and my prophecies were regarded as the illusions of a mind diseased […] I appear in the eyes of many bourgeois democrats as only a wild man.”
~ Glenn Beck Adolph Hitler, September 1936

Malice In Wonderland: Fox News Through The Looking Glass

Posted by on March 2, 2010 at 2:26 pm. 8 Comments :

Tea CrusadesOver the past year the Tea Party phenomenon has attracted a lot of attention from the rightist media. From the beginning Fox News took the lead sponsoring and promoting Tea Party events, dispatching their anchors to literally host Tea Party rallies, and donating hundreds of hours of airtime to Tea Party spokespeople and supporters. Fox News is the de facto Tea Party Channel.

Despite that massive PR push, the Tea Party remains quagmired as a niche clan of exclusionary cultists and corporate dupes. But that hasn’t deterred Fox News from their campaign to Tea Bag America. This morning Fox Nation declared that Tea Parties are going on high alert, and posted recruiting calls for Joe the Plumber’s Tea Party Tax Revolt.

All of this got me to wondering where it will all end. With a major so-called “news” network advocating on behalf of the delusional flank of the conservative crusade, it seems to me that the right stumbled into an abyss and has consumed some mighty potent mushrooms. So, with apologies to Tim Burton, I present…

Malice In Wonderland, Fox News Through the Looking Glass:

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Later this month a new Tea Crusade will commence in the form of another AstroTurf sponsored bus tour. The thrid Tea Bagger Express will conclude in Washington on April 15. On August 28, Glenn Beck will headline his “Restoring Honor” affair at the Lincoln Memorial. That’s an ironic event considering the obvious lack of honor of the host. He just starting claiming that it’s a fundraiser for the Special Operations Warrior Foundation, but he originally promoted it as the launch date for his next book “The Plan.” Also, the date is the anniversary of Martin Luther’s King’s “I Have a Dream” speech at the same location. A couple of days ago, Beck called King a “radical socialist” and questioned whether we should be celebrating a holiday in his name. Now Beck seeks to muddy King’s memory by usurping this historic anniversary to hawk his book. In September Beck’s second annual 9/12 rally will take place on 9/11. This gives Beck another opportunity to tarnish a sensitive anniversary.

Expect all of these events to be aggressively promoted on the Tea Party Channel (i.e. Fox News). And expect there to be more coverage of, and interviews with, Tea Baggers and there proxies in Congress. And above all, expect more confusion, mischief, and deceit on the part of Fox and the right-wing politico-media complex.

I must say that I have to agree with Alice when she said:

“It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.”

Van Jones ♥’s Glenn Beck

Posted by on February 28, 2010 at 1:50 pm. 6 Comments :

Van Jones received the President’s Award on Friday from the NAACP Image Awards. In his acceptance speech he took the time to acknowledge a special someone in his life.

I can’t say I approve. Glenn Beck has been a relentless foe of Van Jones. He hounded him from the White House with a series of misrepresentations and outright lies. And even after Jones stepped down, Beck continued to smear him. Recently Jones announced that he would be joining the staff at Princeton and working with the Center for American Progress. That news was greeted by Beck with a tirade against both Jones and Martin Luther King, whom Beck called a “radical socialist” and questioned whether we should have a holiday celebrating him.

So now Jones assumes a strikingly tolerant view of Beck hoping to find some sort of unity. As much as I admire Jones, I think he is wasting his time. Beck is not about to reciprocate. He will only use this appeal to fellowship as a springboard for more attacks and ridicule. In fact, he already has in the form of a tweet:

“I love you too,Glad to all live in one country.Will it be the founders country or the one you pushed when with storm?”

Tell me Glenn, which country do you want? The founders country or the one you pushed when you were an alcoholic, drug abusing, dirtbag?

While Jones was unambiguously forgiving, Beck was predictably adversarial. Beck couldn’t resist the urge to jab another blade into his enemy. And that difference between these two illustrates what a waste of time it is to try to appease Beck. Jones ought to initiate a full-blown campaign revealing Beck’s dishonesty. He should join his former colleagues at Color of Change and pursue advertisers on Beck’s show and Fox News. He should not allow Beck to continue smearing people with McCarthyite accusations. He should expose Beck for the divisive, fear monger that he is. He should fight back.

Then if Jones still wants to be magnanimous and profess his love for Beck…whatever. I just can’t go there.

This Is How Stupid Andrew Breitbart Is

Posted by on February 24, 2010 at 11:00 pm. 2 Comments :

The terminally choleric Andrew Breitbart is embroiled in a flame war with journalist Max Blumenthal. The online altercation was sparked by Breitbart’s dishonest defense of ersatz pimp, James O’Keefe. Then it flared up at CPAC.

Blumenthal valiantly, but vainly, attempted to get O’Keefe to sit still for an an interview. He was, however, able to ask O’Keefe’s hooker, Hannah Giles, a few questions. And this display of responsible reporting set Breitbart off on one of his patented petulant tantrums that would embarrass kindergartner.

After having his sneering mug plastered all over YouTube, it was plain that Breitbart was nothing more than a cantankerous old windbag. He’s a little like Don Rickles if you squeezed out every drop of humor. It’s just one insult after another with no substance or civility. He called Blumenthal a “despicable human being,” and “the lowest life form I’ve ever seen.”

And now, to top it off, Breitbart has scored what he must think is the journalistic scoop of the decade. He captured Blumenthal on video engaging in an act so vile it could bring down all of the institutional left in three weeks. Breitbart actually claimed on Fox News that he was going to that, and this must be his endgame.

Breitbart's BoogerWhat was this offending behavior that has so much significance? While Blumenthal was talking to Giles, she alerted him to the presence of something protruding from his nose and he endeavored to remove it. Saints preserve us.

Breitbart posted the video of this on his web site. Well, actually web “sites.” He has featured it on all three of his “Big” web sites, as well as his eponymous Drudge spinoff. The funny thing is that Breitbart, who insists that he wants to be taken seriously by the media, posts a video of a political rival picking his nose, and he thinks it makes his rival look bad. Blumenthal may have been caught in an all too human moment, but Breitbart will now forever be known as the man who breaks booger news. Nice work, Booger Breitbart.

Update: And of course, Fox gets into the booger business by featuring this video on the front page of Fox Nation – with a photo no less.

CPAC In The House And The Party Don’t Stop

Posted by on February 20, 2010 at 11:25 am. NO Comments :

This is a followup to my column on CPAC’s efforts to make their conference and the conservative movement more appealing to young people. The key component of their strategy was the XPAC lounge, a slammin crib stocked with video games and junk food where Yaffie playas can chill. The “X” is for “Xtreme”. But then there was also this: From the CPAC schedule of events…

11:00
XPAC Rap/Jam Session
Washington Rooms 1-4
Sponsored by Parcbench.com
Live music and special performances by Rappers: Hi-Caliber, Young Cons, and many more!
Open to all XPAC ticket holders

Well…Talking Points Memo attended this highly anticipated throwdown and came away with some compelling video of hip, young, right-wing activists.

Liberals are in BIG trouble now. So throw your tea bags in the air. And wave em like you’re on Medicare. You been served a steaming brew of FAIL.

The Tea Party Nation Is [Still] Revolting

Posted by on February 5, 2010 at 3:24 pm. 4 Comments :

…Have you ever eaten with one?

The assembly of Tea Baggers kicked off with a surprising omission in their Patriopathic™ zeal to commence the festivities. They neglected to praise the Lord with an opening prayer. They also decided to forego the Pledge of Allegiance. In one fell swoop they dissed both God and country. And that’s not all. There were no American flags flying in the convention hall. The organizers blamed the hotel staff for the absence of flags. I wonder if the hotel staff also kept the prayer and the pledge from taking place. Those Opryland hospitality associates are well known socialist sympathizers.

And speaking of socialists, the convention’s opening keynote was delivered by former congressman Tom Tancredo who declared that…

President Obama was elected because “we do not have a civics, literacy test before people can vote in this country.” [And] “People who could not spell the word vote or say it in English put a committed socialist ideologue in the White House — name is Barack Hussein Obama”

The Bagger community regards itself as a movement of “regular” folks. Yet they received Tancredo enthusiastically despite his pronouncement that voters are stupid and shouldn’t be permitted to participate in the electoral process without passing an exam (that most Baggers would fail). And they may have missed a history lesson or two if they think it’s a good idea to advocate a return to Jim Crow-era policies.

Voter registration is a big issue with the Baggers. A recent poll showed that 52% of GOP voters think that ACORN stole the election in 2008. So the Baggers are preparing a counterattack. Bridget Geegan Blanton of Smart Girl Politics led a convention seminar on how to avoid registering Democrats. She said in her state of California, she’s required by law to give a voter registration form to anyone who asks, even a Democrat. But she added that she’s not obligated to mail it in for them. In her remarks she was careful to say that she would give the form back to the voter who could then mail it in on his own. But I wonder how many people in her audience left with the impression that Democratic registration forms collected during Tea Party voter drives need not be submitted?

David Weigel, of the Washington Independent reports that there are more than 150 credentialed reporters at the convention. Since there are about 600 registered attendees, that’s one reporter for every four Baggers. But the the most bizarre news about the news media is that Joseph Basel is one of the credentialed reporters. Basel, you may recall, is one of James O’Keefe’s accomplices arrested in the notorious Landrieu Sting fiasco. So Basel impersonated a telephone repairman in New Orleans, and is now impersonating a journalist in Nashville.

For those wondering, the convention web site says there are still tickets available for Sarah Palin’s speech tomorrow night. The Queen Tea Bagger was not able to sell out the hall. If anyone thinks that 600 Baggers is an impressive showing, please note that two weeks from now the National Wild Turkey Federation is gathering at the same venue. They are expecting 40,000 attendees. And this isn’t a blowout of bourbon drinkers (Aside: Did I note that the Tea Bagger affair is “dry”?). It’s a national organization representing wild turkey conservationists and hunters. Do you wonder why Palin is so badly underperforming the turkey enthusiasts? Maybe it has something to do with this:

Or maybe they just think there are already enough turkeys in politics. The Tea Baggers are currently enjoying a significant over-representation in the public discussion. I wrote about Tea Party Delusion last December. An NBC/Wall Street Journal poll revealed that almost half (48%) of the country either never heard of the Baggers or had no opinion. A new CNN poll confirms those results, as does this one from CBS (pdf), and even this one from Fox (pdf).

Rest up Tea Baggers. Tomorrow is another busy day.

[Update] Joseph Farah of WorldNetDaily closed the day with his patented obsession over Obama’s birth certificate:

“The media, the politicians – all say, no, it’s all been settled. I say, if it’s been settled show us the birth certificate. Simple.”

Followed by a declaration of WAR!

“…take over not only the political institutions, but the cultural institutions, like the press, the entertainment industry, the universities, and yes the churches.”

“Are you ready to engage in a cultural war after we take back Congress?”

“Yes!” the crowd yelled back.

Has It Really Come To This: Boob Bombs?

Posted by on February 2, 2010 at 3:39 pm. 3 Comments :

Boob BombsThe Fox family of propagandists has long been a partner of the world’s terrorists. They vigorously strive to exacerbate anxieties about security, mostly sensationalized and irrational, via their many media platforms. This promotion of dread is the stuff upon which terrorism relies to be effective. Al Qaeda owes Fox News a debt.

Today on Fox Nation, the war to produce evermore trepidation escalated with a featured link to an article on WorldNetDaily warning that the British spy agency, MI5 is “Hunting Breast Implants of Death.”

“Agents for Britain’s MI5 intelligence service have discovered that Muslim doctors trained at some of Britain’s leading teaching hospitals have returned to their own countries to fit surgical implants filled with explosives. […] Women suicide bombers recruited by al-Qaida are known to have had the explosives inserted in their breasts under techniques similar to breast enhancing surgery.”

WND is not reporting this as hypothetical, but as a plot already in progress with armed breasts at the ready. And all of this is according to…well, the subscription-only bulletin of WND’s own editor, Joseph Farah. In fact, there are five solicitations for his $10.00/month G2 bulletin in the brief excerpt posted on WND.

Were we to take these warnings seriously, it would require some adjustment to our transportation security procedures. We would need to start including Scarlett Johansson in our profiling criteria. And because the same explosive devices could be inserted in the buttocks, Jennifer Lopez would have to be added to the no-fly list. New guidelines will have to be written for airport screeners. If you look anything like Johansson or Lopez, you better allow extra time for boarding (and groping).

I, for one, am pretty upset about this. It’s one thing to be nervous about young Middle-Eastern guy with a long beard in the seat next to me. But if I have to be afraid of sitting next to a hot chick with an awesome rack, I don’t think I want to fly anymore. And who’s to say these well-endowed suicide bombers won’t also show up in shopping malls or sporting events? I think I may have spotted more than a few potential terrorists at the Grammys a couple of days ago.

The consequences of this new threat will weigh heavily on the bosom of the national security infrastructure. What new measures will they need to bust the terror plotters who embrace this tactic? And as we jiggle with our defense strategies, will the terrorists just play a game of tit-for-tat? The whole scenario is udderly unpredictable. There will be those who will attempt to knock down these warnings, but the knockers must not be allowed to cleave our resolve. The only way to respond may be to nip it in the bud. But one thing is for sure, we will need keep abreast of the new developments.

Thanks to Fox Nation for opening our eyes to the naked truth (and my apologies for the foregoing).

PRESS RELEASE: Al Qaeda Opens Office In Washington After Supreme Court Ruling

Posted by on January 26, 2010 at 9:17 am. 6 Comments :

The consequences of last week’s ruling by the Supreme Court are becoming more noticeable as corporations move to interpret and exploit the new environment for political engagement. Some surprising players are jumping into the game now that the restrictions from funding electoral activities have been removed. Take, for example, this press release from from Al Qaeda:

Press Release: The United States Supreme Court opens the door for greater expansion of commerce, civic participation, and freedom of speech. Al Qaeda International, Inc. and it’s worldwide affiliates applaud this decision and look forward to engaging more with the American infidels people.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Parachinar, Pakistan, January 25, 2010, Al QaedAmerica, Inc.
The executive committee of Al Qaeda International (AQI) is enthusiastically supportive of the recent United States Supreme Court decision in the case of Citizens United vs. Federal Election Commission. In a narrowly argued case involving political advertising, the Court wisely expanded the scope of their deliberations and ruled 5 to 4 that almost all legal proscriptions on corporate spending on behalf of candidates and issue advocacy were null and void. The prohibition on direct corporate condtributions to candidates will remain in place, but virtually every other spending constraint has been struck down.

In light of this ruling, AQI is announcing the creation of a new corporation to be headquarted in Washington, D.C. USA. Al QaedAmerica will pursue the domestic interests of AQI and invest in businesses that are in accordance with our mission and reflect the broader principles of our worldwide campaign of terror. AQI’s chairman, Osama Bin Laden, appreciates the Court’s good judgment:

Bin Laden: By allowing corporations unlimited financial participation in American politics, the Court recognizes the role of business to impact the civil affairs of a nation. And businesses like ours are uniquely situated to take full advantage of this new expansion of rights in the areas of speech and elections.

The ruling actually gives corporations far greater sway over public management than individual citizens because of the superior ability of corporations to aggregate large sums of money and disburse it effectively to accommodating representatives. Domestic businesses as diverse as Halliburton and Wal-Mart are already planning how they will take advantage of the new freedoms afforded them by this ruling.

While it may not have been the intent of the Court, the ruling in no way inhibits corporations from outside of the U.S. to participate in the same manner as domestic corporations. This presents an attractive opportunity to AQI and many other disruptive enterprises who seek to exploit the American marketplace. Petroleum companies like Saudi Arabia’s Aramco and Venezuala’s Citgo, as well as defense contractors like Korea’s Daewoo and Russia’s Motovilikha, will have ufettered access to the American political system. Corporations around the globe now have the freedom to purchase their own congressmen and senators.All that’s required is a local office through which they can funnel millions of dollars into the pockets of the Great Satan’s political class.

AQI is moving forward aggressively to realize the benefits of this opportunity by establishing its new Al QaedAmerica division. With AQA we will be able to stay at the forefront of global jihad. We take pride in being the world’s premiere provider of senseless violence and murder, and this ruling will permit us to expand into exciting new territories and partnerships. Some examples of compatible business relationships and opportunities we are presently exploring include:

  • The Altria Group. The parent company of Philip Morris has a long and respected history of marketing products that result in the demise of hundreds of thousands of decadent Americans every year. An accomplishment AQI views with admiration and envy.
  • Monsanto. A producer of chemicals and agribusiness products that have multiple applications as poisons, food and water contaminants, and incendiary raw materials for wanton destruction.
  • Delta Airlines. One of the premiere air transportation providers in the world with a fleet of modern aircraft and a presence in every major airport in the nation.
  • Xe. Formerly Blackwater, this private security firm trains dedicated, professional, paramilitary operatives for work in protection, combat, munitions, and intelligence.
  • News Corporation. An inter-disciplinary media conglomerate that includes Fox News, the Wall Street Journal, and an array of international newspapers, broadcasters, and publishers. A valuable partner for any enterprise seeking to influence mass audiences.

In the coming months, look for Al QaedAmerica to be a leader in the exploding market of exploding markets. Our new American division is already stockpiling cash to fund campaigns on behalf of gullible lackeys who will do our bidding. We are identifying initiatives that will enhance our world-class ability to generate fear. These operations are also profit centers as the fear fuels demand for security products in which we are also investing.

We would like to thank our partners in mongering. Glenn Beck of Fox News has been an invaluable ally as he promotes myths that elevate our status and increase the fear quotient upon which we rely to be successful. We are also appreciative of him and his colleagues at Fox for minimizing reporting on this Supreme Court decision, as too much publicity could result in attempts to legislatively supersede the Court. And we would not be where we are today without the help of conservative pundits and think tanks who put in long hours justifying decisions like the one just handed down. We expect the media in general will continue to ignore this decision because they stand to make billions in advertising from the newly unleashed corporations.

And, of course, former President Bush and Vice-President Cheney, who made this all possible by installing Justices John Roberts and Samuel Alito, have our enduring gratitude. Recent missions for martyrs have been extraiordinarily gratifying. And now that we, along with many other corporations, foreign and domestic, can manipulate the American government, the future for jihad looks even brighter.

The next couple of months (years?) it is going to be interesting watching the response from the global business community as they realize they can purchase legislators and legislation. That will be almost as interesting as watching the response from Congress as they struggle with the dilemma of restoring the integrity of America’s electoral system or letting the Court’s decision stand so they can profit from the billions of dollars in new contributions.