OH NO! Tucker Carlson is Turned Off By ‘Less Sexy,’ ‘Unappealing’ Cartoon M&Ms

Fox News has dedicated itself to a bogus brand of “journalism” that seeks out manufactured scandals that they can attribute to “soshalest libruls” whom they blame for the decline of Western civilization. And to keep their audience of consenting chumps buying their Dumb Asp™ Snake Oil, they need to make each new contrivance successively more preposterous.

Fox News, Tucker Carlson, M&M

It isn’t easy to follow up such ludicrous gems as the (utterly fictional) “canceling” of Dr. Seuss and Mr. Potato Head. Or the outrage stirred by the introduction of gay Legos. But leave it to Tucker Carlson to lead the parade of pedantry with a lurid look into the erotic world of cartoon branding characters.

On Friday evening’s episode of Carlson’s program he expressed his personal disappointment in the neutering of the previously naughty M&M candies for whom he lusted:

“The brown M&M has transitioned from high stiletto’s to lower block heels. Also less sexy. That’s progress. M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal. When you’re totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity. They’ve won”

Carlson deserves credit for boldly confessing his innermost desires to “have a drink” with the melt-in-your-mouth seductresses in the confection section of life. He is opening a door for the long oppressed choco-sexuals to come out of their wrappers. Who could disagree with his lament that the candied cartoons are now “deeply unappealing.” And this march toward androgyny is obviously the goal that “they” are pursuing to destroy the family unit. Is there any doubt that all of this just happened to surface two weeks before Valentine’s Day?

Carlson’s salaciousness will now have to be limited to his fixations and flirtations with authoritarian tyrants. Last August Carlson broadcast his program from Hungary where he lavished praise on it’s dictator, Victor Orbán. And he’s going back for more next week. And if that weren’t bad enough. Carlson has also been an avid advocate for Russia and Vladimir Putin. He recently addressed Russia’s aggressions toward Ukraine asking “Why would we pick Ukraine’s side and not Russia’s side?”

Perhaps because Ukraine is a democratic ally and Russia is threatening to invade and annex it. But that’s of no concern to Carlson or Fox News where they embrace totalitarianism and reject democracy. Maybe they just don’t find democracy as sexy as oppression. They would rather slobber over a shirtless Putin riding a horse than listen to Biden articulate rational policies that actually improve people’s lives. Or maybe they just want to watch more candy cartoon porn.

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